Best jokes you heard

specialmax

specialmax

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Heres a couple:

Ok theres a boy named Hairy Hairy Humper now He has a girlfriend named harry.
Now harry goes up to him and says "wanna have sex tonight?" Humper says "no"
"I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!!!11!" Says harry. So humper agrees and comes with her. "wanna have sex now?" "no" says humper. "ILL GIVE YOU COOKIE!!111!"
So humper agrees. There having sex and his mom barges in. "OH MY GOD HAIRY HAIRY HUMPER!!!" His mom says. "MOM IM TRYING IM TRYING!!!" Says humper XD!!

Then theres a good one about a farm.

Ok so a guy has a farm but no animals so he go's across the street to get some animals. "Ok I'll give you my ass" (a donkey) says the other farmer. So he gives him the ass, it likes being scratched behind the ear. "Next I'll give you my cock". So he gives him the cock. So the farmer is crossing the street. A woman comes by. "Hey can you hold my cock while I scatch my ass?"


LOL!!! Ok post your own. I'm sad I gots ear infection :(
 
That joke was so funny, it made me lose an electron!

Are you shure?

I'm positive!! :LOL:
 
Did you hear about that person who stabbed that one Reese Whatever actor?

(who? Witherspoon?)

No, with her knife!

HAHAHA. :|
 
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this display of emotion, and nervously watch as
the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
 
The most I can think of right now is some lewd non-sequitir involving sex with an infant, so I don't think I'm going to post a joke.
 
Whats long and hard and full of seamen?

A submarine :D

Whats big,hairy, and has one eye?
A CYCLOPS HAHA!
 
What did the sailor find in the toilet?

The Captain's Log
 
Why was Gman humping an ATM?
Because it said insert pin.
 
I'd have to go with the best loke that ever lived...

Permerga!

ROFLOL!

:|
 
Ok, so St. Peter is guarding the gate to heaven, but he really has to go pee. Looking around he sees Jesus walking by. So he says, "Hey Jesus, can you come over here and cover the gate for a few minutes while I take a piss?"

Jesus replies, "I dunno, guarding the gate isn't really my job."

"Aw come on, it's easy, all you have to do is just ask each person what their life story is and basically get them to judge their own souls. I'll be back in a couple minutes."

"Well okay, but be quick," says Jesus.

So St. Peter runs to the loo and Jesus stands their guarding the gate. The first man walks up, and He has a thick white beard and heavy eyebrows. He looks to be very old and his expression is very sad.

"Well... umm tell me about your life," says Jesus

"You see," says the man. "I've spent my whole life searching for my son."

"Oh yeah, I'm kind of the same," says Jesus. "I spent my whole life looking for my father."

"Oh no, it's not like that," says the old man. "My sone was very special, he was different than ordinary men."

"I was sort of the same, I was different from everybody else down on Earth."

"Not just different," says the man. "The people hated my son. My son had MAGICAL powers!" now in a trembling voice.

"I had magical powers too, and people hated me for it too," says Jesus.

"No no, it's not like that," says the man, sounding very agitated now. "My son has NAILS through his WRISTS!"

Jesus holds up his handsd and shows the holes where he was nailed to the cross. "I had nails in my wrists too."

Then Jesus looks at the old man, and the man stares back at Jesus, and there's a silence for a momment. And Jesus shouts, "FATHER! and rushes forward to the man"

And the man shouts, "Pinocchio!"
 
How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
 
Actually, I found the "f*ck a rock" joke very funny. Also...


There are 4 girls and a mother in a car. The first girl asks "mom, why is my name Rose?" The mother responds "well, because the first thing to touch your head when you were born was a rose." The second daughter asks "why is my name Lily?" and the mother responds "because when you were born, the first thing to touch your head was a lily." The third daughter asks "mom, why is my name Violet?" and the mother, now losing her patience, responds "because the first thing to touch your head when you were born was a violet."
The fourth girl just kind of gyrates and makes demented moaning noises, and the mother promptly snaps "SHUT UP, CINDERBLOCK."
 
These aren't really jokes..but they can be jokes on other people:

How to be Annoying in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.


Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.


Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.


Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.



Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.


Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.


Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.


Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, "Just in case..." mysteriously.


Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.


Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.


Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.


Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."



Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.


"Disk fight!"


Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not.


Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.


If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong Song" whenever there is processing time required.


Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.


Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.


When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.


Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.


Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.


Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.


If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.


Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.


Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.


Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and continue working.


Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.


Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.


Attempt to eat your computer mouse.


Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.


When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.


Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.



Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.



Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)


Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.


Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.


Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.



See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.


Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.


Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.


Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then walk out.


Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then calmly sit down and begin to type.


Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."


Two words: Tesla Coil.
 
Steve_O said:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't **** a rock.
Click to expand...
Way to EXTREME! Funny none the less.
 
Oh were doing dead baby jokes?? Why didn't you say so!


what's black and white and red all over?
interracial couple in a car accident

what do you tell a women with two black eyes?
nothin, you already told her twice

why couldn't heller keller drive?
because she was a woman

how many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
none it should be open when she brings it to you

what does michal jackson like best about twenty-eight year old boys?
there's twenty of them

how do you circumsize a a redneck?
kick his sister in the jaw

oh someone mention another touchy subject, i totally forgot i had those
 
husband comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. She sees the flowers and says "I guess you want me to spread my legs again for you hmm?" upon which the husband replies why? haven't we got a vase?

harharhar
 
Whats with all of these disgusting baby jokes? :frown:

Anyways,

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100. 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house round

:D

( <3 to the irish)
 
How can anyone find dead babies funny? Thats just sick, theres got to be something seriously wrong with you if you find that funny.
 
Cormeh said:
Whats with all of these disgusting baby jokes? :frown:

Anyways,

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100. 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house round

:D

( <3 to the irish)
Click to expand...


*sobs* I'm Irish! *sobs* Well, sort of.
 
How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him

Hmm, i can't think of any good, non-sick ones.

Oh well.

Should i tell them?
 
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
 
I'm not going to argue with you about this, but I will say that I'm all for jokes, just not disgusting, sick minded ones.
 
How long does it take to cook a cat in a microwave?
3 minutes 57 seconds

That's not a joke, it's just true.
 
StardogChampion said:
How long does it take to cook a cat in a microwave?
3 minutes 57 seconds

That's not a joke, it's just true.
Click to expand...

lies!!

EDIT: inappropriate link, I guess. But it's 10 minutes the least!

 
So, there's a man travelling along in China and needs a place to spend the night.
He runs into an old man, and asks him if he knows where he can find lodging.
The old man told the man to follow him home and he could sleep there that night, under one condition:
He couldn't sleep with the old man's daughter. If he did, the old man would use 3 Chinese torture techniques on him.
Figuring that the daughter would be old and ugly considering the age of her father, the man willingly agreed.
Much to his surprise, she was young and beautiful, and flirted with him all evening. That night, he went into her bedroom and :naughty: until 3 in the morning. He then went to his own room and slept 'til morning.
He woke up to find a large stone on his chest. On it read a note "Chinese torture 1: Large rock on chest". The man rolled his eyes, thinking smugly to himself "is that the best the old man has?". He throws the rock out the window. Suddenly he notices a sign above the window "Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". The man turns pale, panics, and jumps after the rock, figuring "a broken bone or two is better than castration". As he falls, he notices one last sign:
" Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed frame"
 
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"
 
Sulkdodds said:
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"
Click to expand...
Lawlz :D

Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender says : "Hey, want a beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not" and dissappears.
 
Why did the stock market crash?
It was using Windows 95.
 
Anime joke.

How many supersayans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but it takes 5 episodes.
 
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