Butt Turtle

[Tollbooth Willie]

So a man and a priest were out playing golf and the man tees up his ball, swings and misses. Enraged he screams out "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!" The priest looks at him with surprise and says "My God how can you talk like that? I am a man of the cloth and speaking such words would surely land me in trouble! Don't let it happen again."

A few holes later the man tees up his ball, swings and misses and screams out "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!" The priest again says "My boy don't use such harsh words! I am a man of the cloth and those words can land one in deep trouble!"

Later the man tees up his ball again, swings and misses and screams out "GOD DAMN F*cK IT I MISSED!" Thunderclouds appear and a bolt of lightning strikes down the priest. The sky opens up and a voice says "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!"




Jokes thread GO.

 

[jverne]

So a man and a priest were out playing golf and the man tees up his ball, swings and misses. Enraged he screams out "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!" The priest looks at him with surprise and says "My God how can you talk like that? I am a man of the cloth and speaking such words would surely land me in trouble! Don't let it happen again."

A few holes later the man tees up his ball, swings and misses and screams out "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!" The priest again says "My boy don't use such harsh words! I am a man of the cloth and those words can land one in deep trouble!"

Later the man tees up his ball again, swings and misses and screams out "GOD DAMN F*cK IT I MISSED!" Thunderclouds appear and a bolt of lightning strikes down the priest. The sky opens up and a voice says "GOD DAMN F*CK IT I MISSED!"




Jokes thread GO.

my god, i lol'd so pristine. good one willie

 

[Minister]

Have you about how hard the economic recession is hitting Japan?

The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up, the Kamikaze Bank has gone into a nosedive and there is something fishy going on with the Sushi Bank.

:naughty:

 

[jverne]

Have you about how hard the economic recession is hitting Japan?

The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up, the Kamikaze Bank has gone into a nosedive and there is something fishy going on with the Sushi Bank.

:naughty:

GTFO


lamechar

 

[Acepilotf14]

So God, Noah, and another guy were playing golf. Noah swings, and hits it pretty far. God swings, and also hits it pretty far. The other guy swings, where it lands in a water hazard, is eaten by a frog, which is grabbed by a hawk, which spits it out onto the green and into the hole.

Noah tells God, 'I hate playing with your son.'

 

[mortiz-Redux]

A blonde needs some money so she decides to do some odd jobs for her neighbours. She goes around knocking on people's doors asking if there's anything she can do. She has no luck until she knocks on this one guy's door, "Yeah, you can paint my porch" he says "actually I was just about to pop out for a couple of hours, if you'd like to start now there's paint in the garage", she agrees and the guy takes off. A couple of hours later the guy returns and blonde eagerly comes out to meet him "Finished" she says. "Already!?, that was quick! Here's your money" he gives her the money and just as she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way mister, that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari".

 

[Dog--]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo 'Drizzle.



What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

 

[Sheepo]

What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Spoiler

Telling your parents you're gay.

Blatantly stolen from somebody in the last joke thread.

 

[PvtRyan]

Jesus saves, but only Buddha makes incremental backups

---------

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do Anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

---------


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.

The bartender looks at the line going out the door, pours two beers and walks away.


---------

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

[Solaris]

Did you hear about those soldiers who were killed whilst picking up a Pizza in Northern Ireland?

They ordered a plain dominos and got a goodfellas with two extra toppings.

 

[Dr. Breen]

A fat, portly woman dies and goes to Heaven, but before she can pass through the Gates, she is greeted by St. Peter. He asks her if she would like to be reincarnated as anyone else down on Earth before entering Heaven.

After a minute of thinking, she finally knows the answer and jubilantly responds with the name, "Virginia Pipelini."

St. Peter begins searching for the name but to no avail. Puzzled, he asks the woman for proof of such a person, to which the woman quickly pulls out a newspaper article:

"3,000 Men Lay Virginia Pipeline"



Back in the old day, two southern, black sisters dress up to go to the town square to have their picture taken. While they're sitting down, the man adjusts the bellows under the veil on his studio camera.

The younger sister asks, "Myra, what's he trying to do with that thing?"

The other replies, "Hush, little sister, he tryin' to foh'cus!"

"Thuh bote o' us?"

 

[Jintor]

Three doctors are talking about their favourite patients to operate on. The first one says, "I like librarians. You open them up, and everything is neatly alphabetised." The second says, "I like engineers. You cut 'em open and everything is neatly numbered and compartmentalised." The third goes, "I like lawyers. They're gutless, spineless, and interchangable at both ends."

 

[Warped]

i can watch this all day if i got paid for it.