Full of Regret

[Teh_Poet]

I stand here alone,
Alone and with fear.
Oh how I wish I had known,
Oh how I wish you were here.

I look to that day,
That day with you there.
How dearly I’ve paid,
How I’ve sat here in prayer.

I made a bad choice,
It’s now clear to me.
But to just hear your voice,
It would help me to see.

But now I am lonely,
And I know it’s my fault.
You were the force which drove me,
You were the answer I sought.

The answer has faded,
And the truth cuts me deep.
The truth seems so bladed,
Now forever I weep.




So, how does it look? Any awkward parts? Constructive Criticism, please....

 

[Tr0n]

Depressing.


Thats all I can think of.

 

[skarrob]

You thinking about your girlfriend or wife that you lost do to playing to much hl2?

 

[Tr0n]

You thinking about your girlfriend or wife that you lost do to playing to much hl2?

Probally thinking about how much he hates people like you and it made him sad. ;(

 

[Teh_Poet]

You thinking about your girlfriend or wife that you lost do to playing to much hl2?

You mean "due" to?

 

[Malfunction]

fault and sought don't rhyme all to well, but that's pretty sweet

 

[Qwert93]

Sad, but it's quite... professional.

 

[CREMATOR666]

You must be one depressed dude :|

 

[eatbugs]

Is this poem from personal experience, or just made randomly?

 

[Teh_Poet]

Is this poem from personal experience, or just made randomly?

Personal experience, sadly enough.

 

[Vorac1ous]

I stand here alone,
Alone and with fear.
Oh how I wish I had known,
Oh how I wish you were here.

I look to that day,
That day with you there.
How dearly I’ve paid,
How I’ve sat here in prayer.

I made a bad choice,
It’s now clear to me.
But to just hear your voice,
It would help me to see.

But now I am lonely,
And I know it’s my fault.
You were the force which drove me,
You were the answer I sought.

The answer has faded,
And the truth cuts me deep.
The truth seems so bladed,
Now forever I weep.




So, how does it look? Any awkward parts? Constructive Criticism, please....

Silly emo girl...

 

[oldagerocker]

Another great poem i really like this one... its perfect.

 

[el Chi]

Silly emo girl...

Constructive criticism, if ever I heard it.

The answer has faded,
And the truth cuts me deep.
The truth seems so bladed,
Now forever I weep.

Personally, I would've said "The truth seems so jaded,"
Firstly because "bladed" isn't a word. Second of all, whilst bladed fits in with the implied self-harm, it's whiny; jaded suggests vicious bitterness beneath your sorrow, rather than rubbish self-pity.
Also, the rhythym of it seems a bit off-kilter. It's very short and snappy, and coupled with the AB-AB rhyming scheme this sets it up for a jauntier tempo than the subject matter seems to demand.
Unless you were purposefully going for that dichotomy, but it didn't seem like it to me.

Other than that, not bad at all, in a kind of silly emo girl kind of a way Good stuff.

 

[lePobz]

I don't like poems ... they never make sense because the writer is restricted to using rhyming words instead of the words they would have used to make it accurate.

roses are red
violets are blue
my name is lepobz
and i sniffs teh gl00

 

[Teh_Poet]

El Chi, how about this:

Now the answer has faded,
And the truth cuts me deep.
The truth seems so jaded,
Now forever I weep.


(BTW, great advice on using jaded instead of bladed)

 

[oldagerocker]

I cant stand Carrel Anne Duffy Poems... we did them at gcse or As level, cant remember which... hated it
Later on we did Blake, he's excellent

 

[Teh_Poet]

pretty much the worst poem i have EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

What crawled up your ass and died?

 

[Zeus]

Pretty sad poem

 

[jimbo118]

What crawled up your ass and died?

look at his av

 

[Hectic Glenn]

That poem woulda wanted to make me hurt myself a few days ago but now i think i can say it was pretty good considering the point you are trying to get across. But i couldnt feel more different *does stupid dance*

 

[el Chi]

Shm0zy's av says it all, really...

That poem woulda wanted to make me hurt myself a few days ago but now i think i can say it was pretty good considering the point you are trying to get across. But i couldnt feel more different *does stupid dance*

Damn, what crawled up your arse and took ecstacy?
Sounds like you've got a bad case of DISCO FEVER.
<Dances with Glenn>

 

[StardogChampion]

It's a nice poem.

One thing I will say is that I've practically seen that poem 100 different times over. Just visit any goth's website, or speak to this guy I know called Ross. I'm trying to say it's kind of cookie-cutter. There's nothing that makes it different/better than the millions other similar ones out there.

 

[staticprimer]

I think the ABAB, CDCD, etc rhyme scheme is used far too much. There are many other forms of poetry. What makes a great poem is not rhyming, or even content. Its all about how the poem flows, and giving a poem rhyme is like giving it a fake flow. Make it flow through use of syllabels and then add ryhme later.

 

[spookymooky]

look at his av

Is that a picture of you in your avatar? It always looks like Kerry to me when I see it out of the corner of my I when reading your posts...

On Topic:
The theme is a pretty universal one, so thats nice, also the language is pretty good. However, I dislike the short lines, and rhyming pattern. It chops it up, and restricts ideas to quatrains. Despite the pattern your using, I think its quite excellent. I would recommend you experement with some free verse. It would probably help make the poem more cohesive.

 

[ComradeBadger]

im so emo it hurts


Seriously, you may feel that way - it's nicely written - but it's just so cliche.

 

[jimbo118]

Is that a picture of you in your avatar? It always looks like Kerry to me when I see it out of the corner of my I when reading your posts...

On Topic:
The theme is a pretty universal one, so thats nice, also the language is pretty good. However, I dislike the short lines, and rhyming pattern. It chops it up, and restricts ideas to quatrains. Despite the pattern your using, I think its quite excellent. I would recommend you experement with some free verse. It would probably help make the poem more cohesive.

why do you fancy me? :naughty:

also kerry?whos that?john kerry,isnt he grey-haired?

 

[spookymooky]

why do you fancy me? :naughty:

also kerry?whos that?john kerry,isnt he grey-haired?

I think its the angle, and the chin...some odd combination. John Kerry was the horse-like man who ran against Bush in the election.