Good evening...

[el Chi]

...and welcome to the "Who Gives a Shit? News" with me, your host, el Chi.

Tonight's main headline: Actor Depp tops autograph survey
Celebrity autograph expertees have tonight made the shocking decision that actor Johnny Depp has what is probably the best autograph of any current actor on the globe.
Depp had this to say:
"Erm... What?"

Conversely, Cameron Diaz is tonight submerged in scandal after being labelled the worst autographer in Hollywood. Ms. Diaz herself was unavailable for comment, however a source close to the star said:
"F*ck off and get a life, you stupid tw*t, before I f*cking come down there and f*cking kick the living sh*t out of you, you c*nt."

The repercussions of these revelations have been far-reaching indeed, with celebrities everywhere reconsidering their autographing technique; stocks in pens shot through the roof, whilst gold, coal and spandex all plummetted.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair's official line on the matter was a solid "No comment", however leader of the opposition, David Cameron was far more vocal on the topic:
"You see this is clearly a very serious matter. The bad things about this matter in question are probably all Labour's fault, and the fault of immigrants that Labour let in. The good parts about this matter - and there aren't many - are things that would be done far better under a Conservative government. Oh, and I care about the environment. Honest I do."
Striking words from Mr Cameron, there.

To re-cap this evening's main headline; some people who write about and read about famous people's handwriting tonight issued their opinions on who was good at it and who was not good at it.

I've been el Chi, and this has been the "Who Gives a Sh*t? News"
Good night.

 

[TheSomeone]

Hhahahaha


el chi unleashes some respectable comic genius.

 

[Danimal]

Well I guess the clear message delivered by this is: "Who gives a shitty shit that has been shat on by a shit monster made of shit-smelling shit?"

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Well I guess the clear message delivered by this is: "Who gives a shitty shit that has been shat on by a shit monster made of shit-smelling shit?"

I don't know, but who gives a shit?

 

[Jintor]

As you can see, the weather is really who cares. Because, even if a hurricane is bearing down on your house, this minute, it seriously doesn't affect me. More as it happens.

 

[KagePrototype]

Heh, reminded me of this:

--------------------------------

George Clooney grows goatee: world grinds to halt

In a move that shook the world, Kentucky born heartthrob George Clooney has grown a goatee, it has been revealed today.

Clooney, best known for his role as Dr. Sensitive-yet-Rugged in TV's ER caused further consternation among his legions of female fans by donning a dark-hued sweatshirt.

Sources close to the World's most eligible bachelor state that beard growth started in earnest at 11 a.m. on July 10th, but a leaked memo, which has fallen into the hands of E2, puts the first sightings of stubble nearer the 12 p.m. mark.

Around water-coolers and Coke machines in offices from Tokyo to Tenerife, the shock waves could be felt. Women downed tools and gasped; some being forced to grab hold of nearby desks to steady themselves. The cost to businesses is expected to run into the hundreds of millions.

The United Nations Commission for Making Women Stop Drooling and Do Some ****ing Work claimed Mr Clooney had acted in "A very irresponsible manner" adding: "The chin furniture itself would have had serious repercussions, but the world's press have compounded the problem by adding substantial fuel to the flames."

Clooney today refused to comment, but is said to be saddened that he can't forget to buy razors for a couple of days without the U.N.C.M.W.S.D.D.S.F.W. climbing all over his back.

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node=George Clooney grows goatee: world grinds to halt

 

[el Chi]

Marvellous

And now the sport.
Some men yesterday walked around a park and swotted a small white ball with a stick in the vain attempt to try and get it in a series of holes. Onlookers stood by and looked on in silence, wearing bored expressions and intermittently making congratulatory mumbling noises.
One fan had this to say: "I've never been so tear-enducingly bored in all my life."

Elsewhere, in a dimly lit room, two men hit coloured bals with a stick on a green table for hours on end, causing chaos to TV schedules, much to the horror of normal people:
"What the f*ck was that about? I mean seriously, who gives a sh*t?"

 

[Parlez]

Breaking News!!!!!
The famous actor Chuck Norris has broke his neck after slipping on a banana peel. Also in latest news the Chinese government is trying to make a plasma gun that shoots egg rolls. That is is for news with Darth Sidious now let me hand it back over to el Chi.

 

[CptStern]

fire Darth please


this is the kind of news that makes me stand up and say "who gives a shit" ...but I guess that's point ...or is it? :O

 

[Cormeh]

It's like reading the sun whenever big brother's on TV.

Actually, it's like reading the sun.

 

[el Chi]

Aaaah, The Sun.
My housemates and I were talking about it yesterday and how the writers are essentially pandering to their audience by dumbing-down the style. My housemate said, with a hilarious mix of genuine amazement and dismay:
"I mean, their writers are actually educated..."

 

[ComradeBadger]

Yup, I remember finding that out myself

Ooo Chi git on msn for a seccy-wec

 

[el Chi]

I'll always remember my GCSE English teacher (partly 'cause I fancied her in many, many ways) saying how the level of language etc. for the average edition of The Sun was at the reading level of like 9 year-olds or something. Possibly lower.

 

[ComradeBadger]

My GCSE English teacher was a cokehead.

She wasn hilariously crazy.. dunno why, but she also had that 'vintage bintage' attraction about her :E

MSN - I wish to see if you want to go to Electric Gardens

 

[Asknoone]

Hahaha

 

[Sulkdodds]

Russell Crowe would have been named the worst autograph signer, but Mr Cyrkin said he had been nicer to fans in recent months.

Aw, makes you feel all warm inside doesn't it? Bahaha.

Mr Charlesworth and Ms Philips, my English teacher and my media teacher (my friend's media teacher and his english teacher) had rooms next door to each other and, since they were all that existed of the media department and were the only english teachers on their floor, were always borrowing stuff from each other and interupting each other's lessons. Our English class and media class used to taunt them by constantly implying they were together; whenever Mr Charlesworth mentioned 'his girlfriend' everybody would shout 'Miss Philips!' When quizzed, Philips herself would shyly refuse to say anything, which only added fuel to the fire.

Then we found out they actually were together and she was pregnant with his child. They're getting married now, I think.

 

[Jintor]

*gasp*

 

[Azner]

BREAKING NEWS FLASH! Weird things are happening in schools... SKIP EM!

 

[ComradeBadger]

Aw, makes you feel all warm inside doesn't it? Bahaha.

Mr Charlesworth and Ms Philips, my English teacher and my media teacher (my friend's media teacher and his english teacher) had rooms next door to each other and, since they were all that existed of the media department and were the only english teachers on their floor, were always borrowing stuff from each other and interupting each other's lessons. Our English class and media class used to taunt them by constantly implying they were together; whenever Mr Charlesworth mentioned 'his girlfriend' everybody would shout 'Miss Philips!' When quizzed, Philips herself would shyly refuse to say anything, which only added fuel to the fire.

Then we found out they actually were together and she was pregnant with his child. They're getting married now, I think.

SCANDAL

 

[Sparda]

LOMFL

-that is all