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KagePrototype said:You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....
The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.
/me runs away
So, this bum is sitting on a bus. A few rows ahead of him, there's this professional looking man, and in the row ahead of him, there's this hot brunette. The bum watches as the man leans forward and whispers to the brunette, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"What!?" cries the shocked young woman.
"Oh, I said, particularly nasty weather." the man replies.
"Oh," says the brunette. "Yes, it is". At the next stop she gets off and a redhead gets on, who sits in front of the professional man. A few minutes later the man leans forward:
"Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"Pardon me!?"
"I said, particularly nasty weather."
"Oh! Yes." A few stops later, the redhead gets off, and a blonde gets on. She sits in (you guessed it) the seat in front of the professional man. A few minutes later,
"Tickle your ass with a feather?"
The blonde turns around and smiles, "Your place or mine?" The two of them get off at the next stop.
Through all of this, the bum (remember him?) has been watching. It took the guy three tries, he thinks, but he finally got there. I'll have to give that a shot, thinks he.
At the next stop, a bag lady gets on. She sits in front of the bum. The bum leans forward and drunkenly slurs, "SHOVE A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS??"
The bag lady turns around, "What did you say??"
The bum says, "Oh, uh... PRETTY ****ING COLD OUTSIDE, ISN'T IT?"
There three honeymoon couples staying in a hotel in Barbados. The first night of the honeymoon, the three new husbands are gathered in the bar, swapping wedding stories and stag night tales when the talk turns to the age old question - does one actually have sex on the first night of one's honeymoon?
After some discussion, they reach the agreement that, yes, it was almost obligatory but that still leaves another question - how many times?
In order to find out the three husbands agree that if they have sex that night, in the morning they'll order the full English Breakfast to signify without alerting the wives to what's going on. Any more than once, they'll proclaim with extra toast. And then they finish their drinks and retire.
The next morning, the first husband to the breakfast table smiles at the others' tardiness, happily order the full breakfast and two extra slices of toast.
The second husband arrives, his new bride is also sleeping in. He looks at the first's plate and toast, smiles, and orders the full breakfast and four extra slices of toast
The third guy arrives looking dishevelled and exhausted. He grins at the others, and calls for the waiter.
"I'd like the full breakfast, please. And seven extra slices of toast." As the others look impressed, he calls to the waiter once more. "And waiter? Could you make three of those slices brown?"
Three guys are standing in line to get into heaven ...
... but apparently, heaven's getting really full today, so Saint Peter is under strict orders to not let anyone in unless they've had a really terrible death.
St. Peter tells the first guy in line, "Hi, I'm really sorry, but I just can't let you in unless you've had a bad death. So, what's your story?"
The first guy says, "Well, I've just been having a terrible day. I've been suspecting that my wife's been cheating on me, so I come home early, to my apartment on the tenth floor. And when I come in, I know I've caught her, I can just feel it. But try as I might, I can't find the guy anywhere! I search through the whole apartment but he's nowhere to be found. Finally, I come out to the balcony, and he's there, he's hanging off the railings of the balcony! So I start kicking him, stepping on his hands, but he's still hanging on! Finally, I just go inside, get a hammer, and hit his hands until he falls. But when he falls, he just hits a bunches of bushes, and he's still alive! I get so angry, I run inside, I grab the refrigerator and I throw it at him. I think it hits him, but all that stress and anger gets to me, and I die then and there.
St. Peter thinks this is a pretty bad death, so he lets him in. The second guy in line comes up to Peter and Peter tells him the same thing - heaven's getting full and he can't let him in unless he's had a bad death.
The second guys says, "Man, my day's been really strange. You see, I live on the eleventh floor of this apartment building, and every day I go out to my balcony to stretch and do some exercises. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I slipped, and I fell off my balcony! Luckily, I was able to grab ahold of the balcony's railings below me, and I'm holding on until somebody can save me. Finally, the balcony's doors open and I think I've been saved! But man, the guy who comes out just goes psycho on me! He starts kicking me and hitting me - eventually he just goes inside and gets a hammer, so I just give up and let go. But after falling ten stories, I hit some bushes, and I'm okay! Just as I'm getting up and brushing myself off, this refrigerator comes out of the sky and lands on me, killing me then and there.
St. Peter agrees that this is definitely a strange death, so he lets him into heaven. Finally, the last guy comes up in line, and St. Peter tells him the same thing he's told the other two guys, heaven's full and you need a good story to get in.
The last guy says, "Dude, picture this: I'm naked, sitting inside this refrigerator....
This one is funny. Another long-winder, but it's not as bad as the Juan joke.
A man is driving down a deserted country road when his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and starts walking until he encounters a monastery. He knocks on the door and is let in by a little old priest. The priest takes the man in, giving him a place to stay for the night.
As the man is lying in his bed, he suddenly hears beautiful singing. It is the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and it is emanating from somewhere within the monastery. He gets out of bed and searches the monastery for the rest of the night, but with no luck.
In the morning, as he is leaving the monastery, he asks the old priest, "What was the source of that beautiful singing? I searched for it all night but couldn't find it. Please tell me, I have to know!"
The priest responds, "I can't tell you that--you're not a priest."
Finding the source of the beautiful sound becomes the man's obsession, and so he decides to become a priest. He goes to a seminary and studies for years and years in order to become a priest. Finally, on the day he is ordained, he drives full speed back to the monastery. He knocks on the door and the old priest answers.
The man says to the old priest, "Now that I'm a priest, can you tell me the source of that beautiful singing?"
The old priest says, "Yes, take this key. The source is behind that door."
So the man unlocks the door and sees before him--an immense staircase, leading up so high he can't see the top, and so steep it's almost impossible to climb. So he starts climbing the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, and he finally gets to the top, where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he climbs back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"
And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."
So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a vast forest. So he starts crossing the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, and he finally gets to the end of the forest where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"
And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."
So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge ocean. So he goes back into the forest and collects some wood to make a raft. He gets on his raft and starts crossing the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, and he finally gets to the other side of the ocean where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"
And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."
So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge desert. So he starts crossing the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, and he finally gets to the end of the desert where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"
And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."
So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. He can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him--but the door is locked. So he goes back down the mountain, he almost FALLS OFF, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a hut up there with the source of that beautiful sound in it, but it's locked. PLEASE, can I have the key?"
And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."
So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. The can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him. He puts the key in the lock, turns it, opens the door, and there in front of him is the source of the singing.
Now pause and wait for your audience to ask: "WHAT WAS IT?"
I can't tell you that--you're not a priest!
KagePrototype said:lol, I'm sorry. The funny part is watching other people's reactions to it.
Ouch .theagentsmith said:Joke 1:
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.
(I know you've heard it. And I know its cliché. So shut up. :smoking: )
Joke 2:
An Italian, an Englishman, and a Chinese man all walk into a bar. The bartender says:
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
HAH! WHOO! YAY!
Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
A: Shove it in.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A: Take out the elephant and shove it in.
Q: An elephant and a giraffe have a race, who wins?
A: The elephant, the giraffe is in the refrigerator.
Q: All the animals have a meeting, which animal is missing?
A: The giraffe, it's in the refrigerator.
Q: A man is trying to cross a lake known for its dangerous crocodiles, how does he cross?
A: He walks across, the crocodiles are at the meeting.
Q: An American travels to Antartica for a research project, who does he consult about the cold climes before going?
A: The giraffe, he's been in the refrigerator.
Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.