Good jokes!

Korgoth

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ah, who doesn't enjoy a good joke eh?

-So what did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
-"We better get some support, otherwise, someone will think we're nuts!"

Got any to share? :cheers:
 
ewwwwwwwww that's grosss

Chris_D EDIT: Joke removed, yours was worse. ALOT worse. Watch what you say.
 
This one's stolen from Hollow Man and probably quite old but I think it's funny.

Superman is flying through Metropolis looking down on the roof tops and realises he's horny. He swoops a little lower and notices Wonder Woman lying completely naked in the sun tanning herself. He says to himself that he has to get himself some from Wonder Woman and he realises that as he's Superman he can just dive down, give her a few quick pumps and be gone before she realises anything's a miss.

So he does and flies off. Wonderwoman sits up and screams "What the **** was that?!" then the Invisible Man stands up and says "I dunno, but my arse hole is killing me".
 
Oh man thats was great! :E
Heres an old one but good one (never know, someone may not have heard it yet!)

-This pirate walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and asks for some rum... The bartender kind of stares at the pirate for a moment and looks down and notices he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants! He says "Alright i'll fix you a drink, but I have to ask, What the hell is that steering wheel doing in your pants?" The pirate replies "Argh! I dunno, but its drivin' me nuts".... (yeah I know, everyones heard it before :upstare: )

:cheers:
 
There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.

And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.

His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell be 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the provinces Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president has the murdered. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.

You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....

The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.

/me runs away
 
Oh...my...God...

A goldie oldie:

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
 
LMAO! Thats was great kageprototype!

-So this kid came downstairs for breakfast one morning, sat at the table, and asked his mom where his food was, his mom replied "You don't get any food until you do your chores, feed the pigs, feed the chickens and feed the cows.". The kid stood up and stormed outside mumbling "stupid chores, stupid animals, why do they get to eat before I do!!" so he went to the pigs fed them, then in anger kicked them... He went to the chicken coupe fed them and then kicked them, then he went to the cows, fed them, then kicked them too. After he got back in he sat down at the table only to find an empty plate with a single piece of toast on it. "Why is this all I get mom!?" "well son, you don't get any milk because you kicked the cow, you don't get any bacon because you kicked the pig, and you don't get any eggs because you kicked the chickens" At that time the father came walking downstairs and tripped over the pet cat, he cursed loudly as he kicked the cat across the room. The boy looked up at his mom and said "Do you want to tell him or should I?"
 
KagePrototype said:
You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....

The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.

/me runs away

/me chases!

I just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading that joke, for THAT punchline :O

:D
 
It's the single most evil joke in the world. It's even better in real life, since you can talk slowly and really drag it out. :D But then again, they do tend to try and kill you, so I don't really reccommend it for IRL encounters.
 
HAHAHHAHAHAHA KagePrototype! THAT WAS AWESOME :D

Uh, let's see...

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change :)

How many Irish men does it take to change a lightbulb?
15. One to change it and 14 to sit around and drink brandy.

How many MIT graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, but it takes him 20 years to do it.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN! YOU DON'T KNOW!

How many teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw you. [I made this one up myself]

How many narcicists (sp) does it take to change a lightbulb?
One; he holds the bulb and let's the world revolve around him.

What do you get when you cross a buddhist and a lutheran?
Someone who stays awake at night thinking about nothingness.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Lutheran?
Someone who knocks on your door and then forgets why they came.

All jokes were on the Praire Home Companion Joke Show...and I've remembered a lot of them, but check out http://www.prairiehome.org/ to see more (and to listen, it's a great show).
 
BTW, if you want to talk about good jokes, take a listen:

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2004/05/29/

That's the last show. Listen to the beginning of Segment 2, Segment 3, Segment 4, Segment 6, and Segment 8.

FUNNY stuff, it is :D If you like that kinda music, listen to it, but I only like it because of the great scripts :D

BTW, all sound effects are done from a guy, I mean no tech, it's all him :D
 
Ok, here's a few more (no, they're not anticlimatic long-winders :P )

So, this bum is sitting on a bus. A few rows ahead of him, there's this professional looking man, and in the row ahead of him, there's this hot brunette. The bum watches as the man leans forward and whispers to the brunette, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

"What!?" cries the shocked young woman.

"Oh, I said, particularly nasty weather." the man replies.

"Oh," says the brunette. "Yes, it is". At the next stop she gets off and a redhead gets on, who sits in front of the professional man. A few minutes later the man leans forward:

"Tickle your ass with a feather?"

"Pardon me!?"

"I said, particularly nasty weather."

"Oh! Yes." A few stops later, the redhead gets off, and a blonde gets on. She sits in (you guessed it) the seat in front of the professional man. A few minutes later,

"Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The blonde turns around and smiles, "Your place or mine?" The two of them get off at the next stop.

Through all of this, the bum (remember him?) has been watching. It took the guy three tries, he thinks, but he finally got there. I'll have to give that a shot, thinks he.

At the next stop, a bag lady gets on. She sits in front of the bum. The bum leans forward and drunkenly slurs, "SHOVE A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS??"

The bag lady turns around, "What did you say??"

The bum says, "Oh, uh... PRETTY ****ING COLD OUTSIDE, ISN'T IT?"

There three honeymoon couples staying in a hotel in Barbados. The first night of the honeymoon, the three new husbands are gathered in the bar, swapping wedding stories and stag night tales when the talk turns to the age old question - does one actually have sex on the first night of one's honeymoon?

After some discussion, they reach the agreement that, yes, it was almost obligatory but that still leaves another question - how many times?

In order to find out the three husbands agree that if they have sex that night, in the morning they'll order the full English Breakfast to signify without alerting the wives to what's going on. Any more than once, they'll proclaim with extra toast. And then they finish their drinks and retire.

The next morning, the first husband to the breakfast table smiles at the others' tardiness, happily order the full breakfast and two extra slices of toast.

The second husband arrives, his new bride is also sleeping in. He looks at the first's plate and toast, smiles, and orders the full breakfast and four extra slices of toast

The third guy arrives looking dishevelled and exhausted. He grins at the others, and calls for the waiter.

"I'd like the full breakfast, please. And seven extra slices of toast." As the others look impressed, he calls to the waiter once more. "And waiter? Could you make three of those slices brown?"

Three guys are standing in line to get into heaven ...

... but apparently, heaven's getting really full today, so Saint Peter is under strict orders to not let anyone in unless they've had a really terrible death.

St. Peter tells the first guy in line, "Hi, I'm really sorry, but I just can't let you in unless you've had a bad death. So, what's your story?"

The first guy says, "Well, I've just been having a terrible day. I've been suspecting that my wife's been cheating on me, so I come home early, to my apartment on the tenth floor. And when I come in, I know I've caught her, I can just feel it. But try as I might, I can't find the guy anywhere! I search through the whole apartment but he's nowhere to be found. Finally, I come out to the balcony, and he's there, he's hanging off the railings of the balcony! So I start kicking him, stepping on his hands, but he's still hanging on! Finally, I just go inside, get a hammer, and hit his hands until he falls. But when he falls, he just hits a bunches of bushes, and he's still alive! I get so angry, I run inside, I grab the refrigerator and I throw it at him. I think it hits him, but all that stress and anger gets to me, and I die then and there.

St. Peter thinks this is a pretty bad death, so he lets him in. The second guy in line comes up to Peter and Peter tells him the same thing - heaven's getting full and he can't let him in unless he's had a bad death.

The second guys says, "Man, my day's been really strange. You see, I live on the eleventh floor of this apartment building, and every day I go out to my balcony to stretch and do some exercises. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I slipped, and I fell off my balcony! Luckily, I was able to grab ahold of the balcony's railings below me, and I'm holding on until somebody can save me. Finally, the balcony's doors open and I think I've been saved! But man, the guy who comes out just goes psycho on me! He starts kicking me and hitting me - eventually he just goes inside and gets a hammer, so I just give up and let go. But after falling ten stories, I hit some bushes, and I'm okay! Just as I'm getting up and brushing myself off, this refrigerator comes out of the sky and lands on me, killing me then and there.

St. Peter agrees that this is definitely a strange death, so he lets him into heaven. Finally, the last guy comes up in line, and St. Peter tells him the same thing he's told the other two guys, heaven's full and you need a good story to get in.

The last guy says, "Dude, picture this: I'm naked, sitting inside this refrigerator....
 
Did you head about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
he sold his soul to santa

Heh, Kage's joke reminds me about the one with the bouncing brick :)
 
I remember the one about the three deaths...fuuny stuff.

The second joke was great too, but the first was so so.
 
This one is funny. Another long-winder, but it's not as bad as the Juan joke. :)

A man is driving down a deserted country road when his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and starts walking until he encounters a monastery. He knocks on the door and is let in by a little old priest. The priest takes the man in, giving him a place to stay for the night.

As the man is lying in his bed, he suddenly hears beautiful singing. It is the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and it is emanating from somewhere within the monastery. He gets out of bed and searches the monastery for the rest of the night, but with no luck.

In the morning, as he is leaving the monastery, he asks the old priest, "What was the source of that beautiful singing? I searched for it all night but couldn't find it. Please tell me, I have to know!"

The priest responds, "I can't tell you that--you're not a priest."

Finding the source of the beautiful sound becomes the man's obsession, and so he decides to become a priest. He goes to a seminary and studies for years and years in order to become a priest. Finally, on the day he is ordained, he drives full speed back to the monastery. He knocks on the door and the old priest answers.

The man says to the old priest, "Now that I'm a priest, can you tell me the source of that beautiful singing?"

The old priest says, "Yes, take this key. The source is behind that door."

So the man unlocks the door and sees before him--an immense staircase, leading up so high he can't see the top, and so steep it's almost impossible to climb. So he starts climbing the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, and he finally gets to the top, where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he climbs back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a vast forest. So he starts crossing the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, and he finally gets to the end of the forest where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge ocean. So he goes back into the forest and collects some wood to make a raft. He gets on his raft and starts crossing the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, and he finally gets to the other side of the ocean where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge desert. So he starts crossing the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, and he finally gets to the end of the desert where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. He can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him--but the door is locked. So he goes back down the mountain, he almost FALLS OFF, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a hut up there with the source of that beautiful sound in it, but it's locked. PLEASE, can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. The can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him. He puts the key in the lock, turns it, opens the door, and there in front of him is the source of the singing.

Now pause and wait for your audience to ask: "WHAT WAS IT?"

I can't tell you that--you're not a priest!

I'm going to be banned now, aren't I?
 
KagePrototype said:
lol, I'm sorry. The funny part is watching other people's reactions to it. :D

That is funny! Those stories are great... :D

[edit] Eh! A BUG! I FOUND A BUG! YAY. I'm supposed to be after that quote...not before! :cheers:
 
God dammit, Kage, good thing I learned my lesson the first time.
 
lol these have been great so far guys, lets keep em' going. This way come the weekend when we are all getting liquored up with friends we will have something to keep them entertained! :)
 
I LOVED that second one, Kage. I'm gonna go torture some friends with it :D

There's another one my a friend hit me with awhile ago, it took him almost three hours to tell. I don't wanna write it all out so I'll summarise it so you can tell your friends. It's telling the tale of molly the moth and how she's the best runner in her class. I know moths don't run but bear with me. So she practiced every day and every night running all around the room. She went along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall (repeat a few times each time you say it for effect :P). Then came the school athletics day, and Molly was very excited. All the little moths lined up at the starting line and BANG, off went the starting gun. She went along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, AND SHE WON!!!!!! She was extatic, and all her classmates showered her with praise. She was the fastest little moth in the school.

Okay so basically you keep doing this all through high school, universtity, a national moth racing event, the Moth Olympics, whatever, you can make up your own events just to draw it out basically. Just every time have the practice in the room going along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, and the main event, and she wins every time. But at the Moth Olympics, or whichever you have last, she's up against the fastest runner in the moth world, Victoria. And Victoria is a fierce competitor, for she's managed to eliminate all other moths thus far. Then the race starts, she goes along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, along the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the wall, and she's coming across the floor to the finish line when Victoria bursts out infront of her, tripping her and making a break for the finish!! AND SHE LOSES!!! Molly was so crushed that she'd come this far only to face defeat, she couldn't hold back the tears, she balled her eyes out.

Have you ever seen a moth ball!?!?

:D
 
So a guy walks into a bar with a piece of ashphault under his arm. He ask the bartender for a beer, and one for the road!
 
I used this one as a sig. T'was too long.

Girl1: Dad, why's my name Rose?
Father: When you were born, a rose fell on your head.
Girl2:Why's my name Dandy?
Father:When you were born, a dandylion fell on your head.
Girl3:Ruigfklgfdlkgdfg;lalhfa!!!
Father:Shutup Cinderblock:|
 
Joke 1:

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.
(I know you've heard it. And I know its cliché. So shut up. :smoking: )

Joke 2:

An Italian, an Englishman, and a Chinese man all walk into a bar. The bartender says:

"What is this, some kind of joke?"


HAH! WHOO! YAY!
 
theagentsmith said:
Joke 1:

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.
(I know you've heard it. And I know its cliché. So shut up. :smoking: )

Joke 2:

An Italian, an Englishman, and a Chinese man all walk into a bar. The bartender says:

"What is this, some kind of joke?"


HAH! WHOO! YAY!
Ouch .
 
Probably one of my favourite jokes ever, a kid I know with ADD made it up :D

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Cause someone threw a fridge at him :laugh:
 
So, you like randomness do you?

Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

A: Shove it in.

Q: How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A: Take out the elephant and shove it in.

Q: An elephant and a giraffe have a race, who wins?

A: The elephant, the giraffe is in the refrigerator.

Q: All the animals have a meeting, which animal is missing?

A: The giraffe, it's in the refrigerator.

Q: A man is trying to cross a lake known for its dangerous crocodiles, how does he cross?

A: He walks across, the crocodiles are at the meeting.

Q: An American travels to Antartica for a research project, who does he consult about the cold climes before going?

A: The giraffe, he's been in the refrigerator.

Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A: A pool table.

Great for parties :D
 
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