Greatest comic evar.

sinkoman

sinkoman

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Ron White: So, i'm talking to my friend the other day, and he goes...

Friend: The world would be a much better place if there were less queers!

Ron: Well, I think that we're all gay, it's just to a certain extent.

Friend: That's not true, i'm not gay at all!

Ron: Yes you are, and I can prove it.

Friend: Ha, bring it.

Ron: Ok, do you like to watch porn?

Friend: HELL YEAH! You know I love porn.

Ron: Ok, do you watch scenes with just two women?

Friend: No, I watch men and women make love.

Ron: Ok, do you like it when the guys got a half flacid penis?

Friend: HELL NO I LIKE IT WHEN HE'S GOT A STIFF THROBBING CO...
 
Oh, now I see that 'comic' refers to 'comedian' rather than 'graphic novel'. I was thinking 'yes, very funny, but where are the pictures?'
 
Sulkdodds said:
Oh, now I see that 'comic' refers to 'comedian' rather than 'graphic novel'. I was thinking 'yes, very funny, but where are the pictures?'
Click to expand...
"Ron White", his name, didn't tip you off?
 
Now that you mention it the name rings a bell, but for all I know he could have been a character in the comic.
 
Sulkdodds said:
Now that you mention it the name rings a bell, but for all I know he could have been a character in the comic.
Click to expand...
R U SERIOS?
U CANOT B SERIOS.

blue_collar_comedy_tour_the_movie.jpg
 
Sulkdodds said:
Oh, now I see that 'comic' refers to 'comedian' rather than 'graphic novel'. I was thinking 'yes, very funny, but where are the pictures?'
Click to expand...
Me too :laugh:
 
I hate Larry the Cable guy, the sterotype is annoying, even if there are people like that around here...
 
Is Ron White related to Barry White?

Yeah baby... my oh my... yeah baby.
 
OvA said:
I hate Larry the Cable guy, the sterotype is annoying, even if there are people like that around here...
Click to expand...

He's the one out of the 3 (or 4 in some shows) that I can't stand.
 
OvA said:
I hate Larry the Cable guy, the sterotype is annoying, even if there are people like that around here...
Click to expand...
Yeah "Git R Done" got old fast, but his actual comedy is pretty good, I like it.
 
Given the title of this thread, it needs to instantly switch topics to this:

120204calendar3.jpg


or this:

bill-hicks_061503.jpg



no other comedians come close.
 
RakuraiTenjin said:
Yeah "Git R Done" got old fast, but his actual comedy is pretty good, I like it.
Click to expand...

He would be much better if he dropped the cut up flannel shirts and talked like a normal person, which he does off stage.
 
YOU HAVE FAILED TO SWITCH TOPICS AT A SUFFICIENT SPEED.

hemhem. MITCH!

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! ****. Seven. I need more dice."

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.


You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.


This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."


I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.


At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."


I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...


I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.


This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.


I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".


My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.


I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

Why are there no during pictures.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.


I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree
 
sinkoman said:
Ron White: So, i'm talking to my friend the other day, and he goes...

Friend: The world would be a much better place if there were less queers!

Ron: Well, I think that we're all gay, it's just to a certain extent.

Friend: That's not true, i'm not gay at all!

Ron: Yes you are, and I can prove it.

Friend: Ha, bring it.

Ron: Ok, do you like to watch porn?

Friend: HELL YEAH! You know I love porn.

Ron: Ok, do you watch scenes with just two women?

Friend: No, I watch men and women make love.

Ron: Ok, do you like it when the guys got a half flacid penis?

Friend: HELL NO I LIKE IT WHEN HE'S GOT A STIFF THROBBING CO...
Click to expand...

".....I did not know that about myself!"

Yes, that was on last night. Funny guy. But he's used that joke waaaaay too many times.
 
Half of those you wrote down two or three times... and yes, he is a great comic.
 
Ennui said:
no other comedians come close.
Click to expand...

Well, I don't watch much standup comedy, just what's on when i'm on.

Maybe that's why the jokes seem so fresh to me :)
 
I can't believe I just read all those lines Ennui. Lots of repeats btw. Some are different versions of eachother...

Some of them I don't get... Like the dry clean one, and "Why are there no during pictures."
 
vegeta897 said:
I can't believe I just read all those lines Ennui. Lots of repeats btw. Some are different versions of eachother...

Some of them I don't get... Like the dry clean one, and "Why are there no during pictures."
Click to expand...

1.For dry cleaning you have to take it to a special place that does it, and he's too lazy.

2. Before and after photos
 
Ahh, thanks OvA.

Speaking of pictures, I especially liked the "This is a picture of me when I was younger..." one, hahah. :)
 
I would put Dennis Leary, Dane Cook, Lenny Bruce, and Brian Regan ahead of Ron White...

Actually, I would put a lot of comedians before Ron White, but I guess he isn't too bad...
 
Dalamari said:
I would put Dennis Leary, Dane Cook, Lenny Bruce, and Brian Regan ahead of Ron White...

Actually, I would put a lot of comedians before Ron White, but I guess he isn't too bad...
Click to expand...
Denis Leary FTMFW.
 
Dalamari said:
I would put Dennis Leary, Dane Cook, Lenny Bruce, and Brian Regan ahead of Ron White...

Actually, I would put a lot of comedians before Ron White, but I guess he isn't too bad...
Click to expand...

As I said, I don't have my perspective on the standup comedy world. I watch what's on, laugh, and go "this guy's good!"

I should probably watch more :)
 
RakuraiTenjin said:
Yeah "Git R Done" got old fast, but his actual comedy is pretty good, I like it.
Click to expand...
Git R Done is retarded, as "I'm Rick James Bitch!".

You're not Rick James, and your a flaming retard.

Arr it bothers me. :(
 
I dont see whats so funny about this Ron White guy.
 
He's just about average, but because the other dimwits around him suck rocks it makes him better out than he's suppose to be.

Larry the Cable Guy (or should I say Heath Inspector, can't be both...) is the biggest comedic hack to have gotten it big, I don't for the life of me understand why people think he's funny. Do they actually hear the repetitive bullsh*t he spews out? His whole act consists of those 1 liners, I admit it was funny for about the first 2 minutes but then you realize his whole act is based on the same sequential sh*t and the hilarity screeches to a halt.
 
Sparta said:
I dont see whats so funny about this Ron White guy.
Click to expand...

Well, I guess it's just that I thought that was such a golden line.

Might make a poster out of it.

OOH, i'll put it at the bottom of my Murray_H poster!
 
><

Comediants are comedians, really...
 
Talking of which, I'm going to see Bill Bailey when he swings around here. \o/
 
I just want to see Billy Connely. Maybe he's overrated, maybe he's not, but I like him.
 
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