I just want someone to listen...

[poo poo head]

Another night gone by, tonight i got no sleep. Honestly, all i want to do is talk to someone, to tell them everything and get it off my chest, it seems like it has been built up for so long. What sucks is that there really isn't anybody to talk to except to people here...which is kinda sad if you think about it.

Over the months i have written down lots of stuff, mainly on post its and in hand written journals. Many of which have been destroyed along with drawings and other crafts i have made. I threw them away myself out of anger. Anyway, the point is i still have much written on my laptop. It is a lot, about 12 pages actually, some small, some long. All of them are about the way i have felt, what i've thought about, and what i've gone through...

I want to post this for 2 reasons:

1. I seriously have no one else to talk to right now. Those who i've tried to show this to don't want to read it because they tell me to get away from it, but i think it helps to talk about it. The doctors are the ones who told me to do this and to discuss it with others.

2. Some of you (at least from what i have read) don't fully understand what it is like to have severe unipolar disorder (i.e. Clinical depression). Maybe this can help.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't sleep, don't wanna eat, i'm trying to have fun, but even that is hard. Ugh...I think i'm gonna go for an early mornin walk...But to be honest, i don't know if i want to come back...

I'm just gonna leave you with this...hope it works

 

[Barnz]

Hello.

 

[Kula Meenur]

Talk mate, we're listening.

 

[Adrien C]

You really have a talent at writing, I encougare you to keep it up, it could be your ticket out. Some parts are really well done.

Keep it up buddy, hang in there, you can make it. Remember, " Dieing is easy, living is hard." Be strong

 

[Solaris]

That was a very interesting read, well written, surprisingly so.

 

[mortiz-Redux]

yeah it was definitely an interesting read.

 

[Tyguy]

check your inbox bud...

Depression is one of the worst experiences you can go through. it challenges your integrity, self esteem, and your role on this planet. I completely understand your train of thought from personal experiences and you are not alone, in any way, shape, or form. Don't be fooled by the masks people wear to hide their true self. I can be the life of a party, but as soon as I come home im an anxious wreck.

Even though every fiber of your being is telling you to sucomb to these feelings, you have to overcome that urge to be upset. Do things that make you happy and ignore the things in life that bring you down. **** people and their opinions, you are who you are, and your the only person that can change your life. See a therapist, talk out your problems....

You are part of a vast array of individuals who share the same feelings and depression and there are many people out there (like me) who would love to help you out. Congrats on getting it off your chest, it's the first step of many to feeling better.

 

[Omnomnick]

That big page of writing was tl;dr :|

But I did notice you own a mac...no wonder you are depressed D:


But seriously, my dad suffers from Depression, he has to take tablets to stop himself becoming really depressed, and me and my two brothers kind of keep him happy. Try and talk to some of your family, like your parents etc. Maybe stay with them for a few days or so, that should help.

 

[Madagascar]

"I read this book, it was called The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I honestly didn’t like it. For those who haven’t read it, its about some kid who feels sad despite the fact that he has had a better life than I did and still feels sad. If he was a real character, I’d challenge his ass to switch lives with me and see how he likes it. "

Hahaha.

 

[Solaris]

I think the original poster needs to try and get out of the 'victim' mindset. That is never helpful, nor healthy. It is never a good idea to identify yourself as a victim.

You're using your past to justify your current state of affairs, instead take responcability. 'All this shit happened to me' is an okay statement to make. But you need to accept it and think of it as a neutral fact, if your angry at your father for where you are, it stops you taking responcability to change it.

 

[Tyguy]

I think the original poster needs to try and get out of the 'victim' mindset. That is never helpful, nor healthy. It is never a good idea to identify yourself as a victim.

You're using your past to justify your current state of affairs, instead take responcability. 'All this shit happened to me' is an okay statement to make. But you need to accept it and think of it as a neutral fact, if your angry at your father for where you are, it stops you taking responcability to change it.

Generally, that's the idea. But it goes alot further than this. There's an unavoidable self-loathing mindset that is extremely hard to break free from, whether it's due to his upbringing or maybe he just has mental issues. (Don't we all) I can tell you personally that OCD has RUINED parts of my life and I have been working hard to try and get everything back together. When you finally come to the realization that you are unhappy in this world, it's hard to reverse that. I will agree that thinking positively is absolutely a great trait to have, but in my case, I always see the bad before the good, that's just something I have to work on in the future.

Anxiety is another facet of depression which can't simply be turned off. You can rationalizer all day how successful you are or how important your life is, but if you are pre-disposed to being depressed and anxious, you face alot of difficult challenges in your life. It's a mental handicap and people need to realize that its neurological, not just some learned behavior.

But Solaris has a great point...when these feeling of despair hit, adding to them worsens your situation and will only make it harder to get better.

 

[VirusType2]

I kept wanting to hit the spell checker.

Well, I read it, I don't have a lot of help.

You did mention wanting to exercise artsy things as a means to creative stress relief, but you didn't mention anything physical. When I was a kid I liked to do tricks on a skateboard and freestyle bike. That is artful and physical. You can also think about a form of martial arts. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, get your mind off your problems, and is a great source of enjoyment, not to mention a great hobby.


If you aren't OK without them, then don't give up on the medications. My sister is on something and it's dramatically changed her life. She leads a normal life now. She's getting married this month. When I talk to her soon, I can ask her what she has taken, and what she is taking now, what worked for her. It could be helpful to you.

Hang in there. My friend, go hug your mother.

 

[Dinkleberry]

Sounds like you've gone through a lot of shit that others around you haven't... so try not to worry about your social skills - if you manage to get out of the hole (and I really hope you do!!), it takes practise to connect with different people, but it'll come eventually. And the thing about the ladies - the low self esteem and lack of confidence could be the main thing holding you back there. It might be wasted words me saying this, but if you chill out a bit about that particular subject, and just think 'I need a friend, not a girlfriend right now', and start from there. I've made this mistake enough times to have learned it, but if you don't think you could be friends with the girl you've got your eye on, she's not worth persuing (in this state of mind anyhow - perhaps a bit of casual screwin when you're feeling grand isn't out of the question).

By the way, do you have any plans for your future? leave school, get a job, go to college?

I'm often clueless about people-related stuff, so please someone correct me if this sounds like bad advice.

edit:
Also, I dunno if you've heard this, but depression leads to trains of thoughts going through your head that seem crazy and irrational when your mood changes. Take your bad thoughts with a pinch of salt, they're being influenced heavily by your condition... especially if you're not sleeping so well

 

[Ennui]

Reading through it. So far it's quite an interesting, engaging read, not common for people's journals or for people who write things on the internet in general.

 

[Dog--]

Get a new hobby and always keep yourself busy, never be bored. If you can't find anything to do, go out and dig a hole. (I'm serious, go and dig whenever you're bored, eventually you'll have a huge hole you can do lots of stuff with). Buy a bow and arrow for $100 practise shooting, buy an airsoft rifle, shoot with that as well, hell try setting up a plywood board and throwing some kitchen knives into it, you'd be surprised how well these things work.

I didn't read or attempt to read the attachment, as my computer is retarded with viruses right now, so I can't download a thing past 5kb. Besides web pages :\

 

[McGooTheWise]

Bro, you are a very deep thinker. I understand completely, I was once in your shoes. Too deep for my own good, keeping myself up at night with random thoughts, nobody to talk to on an intelligent level, but then, I was a loner. The best thing you can do is meet new people. Make new friends, and see if you can't find a girl you can have a crush on. If you're too shy to do anything about it, it's still better to think of someone in such a way than to feel alone so much.

I recommend writing lyrics, keep a notebook handy and a writing utensil, you have a unique mind. You will be able to take it far. The idea you used when you talked about "energy" blew me away, so if you can dissect things like that think of the other things you could think up... You could create a different universe.

Also, if you are into any music, I encourage you to learn an instrument. If you can't express yourself to others through words, do it through music.

Good luck, Man, and no matter what, never stop kicking. It's not worth it to kill yourself, as I can only imagine one scenario where it would be. Yet, since it seems you're still young, you've got your life ahead of you still. To kill yourself yet, with such powerful thoughts in your head, would be a great waste. Not that you said you would, but depression does take that road time to time. Just keep that in mind.

 

[Moto]

You're a cool dude, pph. I know how you feel in some respects. Things will get better, bud.

 

[taviow]

Good luck man, never give up.

 

[Sheepo]

Best of luck man, I've been going through some tough times lately.

 

[CrazyHarij]

You're not alone, and you're not different from other people. You're a deep thinker, totally. I've felt like you feel from time to time. Try to get out and experience a change of setting, it's not difficult to have fun once you open yourself to the possibility of having fun. You're not a victim of someone else. Sitting alone easily gets you into a downward spiral, but you can change that VERY quickly, my friend.

 

[VirusType2]

If you are old enough, getting a job would be the best thing for you.

Meeting and interacting with people and peers, and having some fun is usually encouraged, as long as you keep busy.
Developing friendships, in fact most intimate relationships begin at work.
Self-esteem
money
independence
pride
experience
less time to think about sad things
a reason to get out of bed

 

[TimoJay]

every1 knows the reason for life is to manipulate energy in order to reproduce.

 

[Adabiviak]

I'm pretty close to a couple of people who have various forms of depression (one is 'mild' bipolar disorder, the other just gets acute depression for about a month out of the year, then it's gone).

If there was some thing that I could write here or say that would make it better, I'm sure I don't know what it is. If it was as easy as that, well, you probably wouldn't be here.

You mentioned a couple of drug regimens that you'd tried. Did any of them work? One of my friends went through a tough time trying different ones until they settled on one that worked pretty good (Lithium, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.) Come to think of it, I'm not sure what he finally settled on.

 

[L3N!N]

I didn't read it, but I didn't come here to read your short stories. I came here to tell you something.

Depression, well, I haven't experienced it. But I'm not saying that I don't sympathize for you, because I actually have an inkling of a feeling of what you're going through. But there is one known cure. And one word can describe the cure, can be the cure, and IS the cure.

Active. Always, always, always be active. I know this is a tight knit community of friends, and I respect that. But HL2.net isn't the only place you can be, and seeing as you wrote all of that stuff shows that you know that. But you need to go take a long jog, push your body over the edge and find you limits. You need to do something that really gets you worked out, do something really energetic and athletic. Take a hike, a long 50 mile one over the spawn of a week (don't get lost) and make sure the hike is hard.

Your mind is your army; you have to control it's every movement and decision, but never let the opposing army take over. You are the one behind that mind, not something else. You can get over this, and you will.

 

[99.vikram]

That was a surprisingly good read. Even if this is the internets, it probably helps to remember that other people go through the same things sometimes.

I can't say that I've ever had it that hard, but I do have mild OCD, and these occasional rituals look weird to others. I also think about life, the universe etc. a lot more often than my friends (even though I know there are no answers). I just feel kind of desperate to show myself that I'm not just another person in a crowd. It also makes social situations very tiresome, constantly thinking about what the other guy is thinking about you. And if I don't watch myself, this happens every time I'm in a crowd. It drains your energy sometimes.

The truth (my truth, anyway) that I have discovered in the last few months is that life has no value, people have no value, and work has no value. The best anyone can do is stay happy by keeping busy and making it easier for others to be happy. I promise, keep working and learning and you'll eventually forget how meaningless the underlying reality is.

A little hypocrisy is okay! Even if you don't believe in love, popularity etc. work towards it anyway.

Make new friends, and see if you can't find a girl you can have a crush on.

This. Get a reason for living, even if it is illogical.

Bro, you are a very deep thinker.

Not this. At some point you're going to have to face up to the fact that no, you're not smarter than the rest of your friends. They just figured out a lot earlier than you that some questions don't have answers. Thinking about deep subjects is important of course, it's what gives you identity. But you can't let it consume your life like this.

Remember that statistically, it's unlikely that you have discovered some hitherto unknown truth about the universe

 

[Tyguy]

poo poo head hasnt come back since his initial post...not a good sign

 

[CrazyHarij]

Not this. At some point you're going to have to face up to the fact that no, you're not smarter than the rest of your friends. They just figured out a lot earlier than you that some questions don't have answers. Thinking about deep subjects is important of course, it's what gives you identity. But you can't let it consume your life like this.

most people don't even get around to those questions

 

[CrazyHarij]

poo poo head hasnt come back since his initial post...not a good sign

he's reading our posts

 

[Qonfused]

Fantastic read. Not in the traditional "fantastic" obviously, but very well written and insightful.

I'm not sure what to say, really. Keep in there. I know the feeling of no one to talk to. Makes you feel alone.

 

[Mr-Fusion]

I for one, am not listening.

 

[Gemma]

Some people say 'try art' it releases your emotions onto a page
Didnt work for me though
(I just felt everything i did was shit)
But maybe it could work for you?
i duno
but.....its hard yuh
I know how you feel

 

[Robert-]

Definitely try to find a hobby you enjoy, preferably one that consumes your life (i.e: Warhammer ,WoW, Magic Cards, etc.). Stick to it for a while, it might make you feel better. Especially if you find like-minded people who have the same hobby as you.

 

[taviow]

Last Activity: 16-09-2008 10:32 AM

D:

 

[VirusType2]

Last Activity: 16-09-2008 10:32 AM

D:

No, I believe he is fine. He's in a ward though and can't jump on here whenever.