"I'm so bad at sex" dot com

CptStern

CptStern

suckmonkey
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this site is pretty funny/NWS?

http://imsobadatsex.com/

A girl I bang regularly came over, and I guess I was too high to get really into it, so I was like 7/9th's hard. The condom came off at some point, i didn't realize it, she was extremely tight. The next day I got a text saying, "Thanks for leaving that treat inside me, it felt like i was giving birth to an eel". I'm so bad at sex.
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Zombieturtle's friend?

During my first sexual experience with my current girlfriend, after a few light ales we got cosy on the sofa in front of possibly the lamest film ever broadcast. Needless to say it wasn't long before we had gotten bored and started the love. After our clothes had been flung across the room she attempted, to what I can only describe as some sort of mounting move. After lifting one leg over me her supporting leg slipped of the sofa and my penis then felt the full force of a falling lady, I was in agony. Sir Edmond Hillary would be spinning in his grave. But never the less, like a true trooper I continued the dirty deed until I managed to shoot my load all over her ample and lovley boobs. Upon closer inspection my jizz turned out to be mixed with blood, this poor lass now covered in bloody jizz had broken some blood vesseles in my shaft. I'm so bad at sex
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Now this one is good. Probably fake, of course, but:

A few months ago I was hooking up with a girl while insanely inebriated, like I'm talking five-alarm ****ed. I had ingested, to quote Hunter S, "a whole galaxy of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers," the only logical course of action was sex at this point. The problem was I literally had no idea how do it, I couldn't remember. My first problem was finding my penis, it had shriveled away into a prunish nub due to my dehydration, I found the little critter and we (said critter and girl) started going at it. It was probably the blood rushing to my head and the drugs flushing my system clean of anything rational, but I was starting to see things. The second problem came when the girl appeared to have four vaginas, I was seeing quadruple, I was able to get my wits about me enough to understand that this wasn't some four vagined-land monster, no, I was the monster. But I had to pick a vagina to stick it into, I felt like I was on some twisted Japanese game show, where picking the wrong hole would spell certain doom. I closed my eyes, prayed to whatever deity covers these sorts of dilemmas and hoped for the best. Bad decision, she slapped me and kicked me out of her apartment, to this day I don't know where I stuck my penis, I can only hope the next time I see her at the bar she isn't wearing an eye-patch. I'm so bad at drugs, I'm so bad at sex.
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I spent all of high school absolutely in love with this cute, quiet girl who was spectacular. We were in different crowds, I played sports, she wrote for the school newspaper and was part of the Christian Book Club. Anyway, I spent all of grade nine slowly showing her how much I cared, and eventually in grade ten she agreed to start dating me. Everything in our relationship was dreadfully thought out and painstakingly slow, our first kiss wasn't until grade eleven and the thought of having sex with her was just absurd. In grade twelve I made this fabulous gift for her as sort of a graduation gift, and the idea of having sex was brought up. (NOTE: she was willing to have sex despite the fact her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ would look down on her) So after talking about it for a while one night when my parents were out she came over with the expectation that sex would occur. We're about to have sex and she asks if she can put on a song, I say "why not?" She goes on my computer and plays "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton and sets it to repeat. I'm slightly freaked out, but whatever, as soon as I put it in her she begins to whisper the lyrics, her tone was so terrifying that I almost lost my boner, then as soon as "my first time, hard to explain, rush of blood and a little bit of pain," was sung she burst into tears. I pulled out, asking if she was ok, she said "you're my first mistake." We never spoke again. I'm so bad at sex.

I think I have a tear.

After months of trying to get my girlfriend to orgasm I finally found the spot. She was thrashing about, clawing my back which instantly set me off. After I finished she pushed me off and ran to the bathroom. After returning I asked her how it was. She was having an asthma attack, not an orgasm. I'm so bad at sex.

This one brought me back though.
 
This was going to be the first girl I pounded as a college student and also my first drunk sex experience. Apparently drinking while having sex can down grade the experience. This girl and I went back to my room and after 20 minutes of her convincing me to have sex even though I was puking I caved. I put my itunes on shuffle and we went at it. Everything was going great until the "Benny Hill" theme song came on that really put a bummer on the situation. While trying to still have sex I also attempted to reach the controller to change the song and while doing so my bed frame caved sending both of us naked across the room and into my guitars. She hurt her head and started to cry and left. ****ing Benny Hill. I am so bad at sex.
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That made me lol like a jack rabbit in winter!
 
lol ^

benny hill theme song during intercourse?

I must do this.
 
Good idea. I forget the name of the song though.

Google:

The song is 'Yakety Sax'
 
Oh man some of these story's are epic...
: D I could write down some horrible experiences, but ill spare you guys

-dodo
 
I just get an address not found but I'll just take your word for it and assume its full of many amusing stories about sexual escapades.
 
Here's a good one:
to our younger members, condoms kill all sensation and make ejaculation hurt to ****, just don't wear them
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half of this community said to themselves "condoms hurt?" and the other half said to themselves "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG"
 
Some of these are gold, classic shit.
 
CyberPitz said:
D: Even if the girl is on the pill, I'm still scared shitless when I don't use a condom. I'm a paranoid man.
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What's the point of having a girl friend if you can't enjoy the fact she's on birth control?
 
Kids, dont listen to these fungus penii, if you dont wear them your dick grows legs...

-dodo
 
No Limit said:
What's the point of having a girl friend if you can't enjoy the fact she's on birth control?
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Well, the fun just seems to disappear when she gains a parasite in her belly. Two forms of protection ftw! Better safe than sorry, according to Church Guy.
 
CyberPitz said:
Well, the fun just seems to disappear when she gains a parasite in her belly. Two forms of protection ftw! Better safe than sorry, according to Church Guy.
Click to expand...

I guess in theory you might be right. But birth control is enough protection for me as long as I trust she's taking it. If you're that worried about it then pull out; shit loads better than using a condom.
 
Id rather use a condom then get some nasty STD...
Plus it isnt that terrible to use one.

-dodo
 
I am talking in terms of a girlfriend, not some random pussy. And if your girlfriend is full of STDs you've got problems.
 
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