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Teh_Poet

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Okay, I'm starting to write this book. Basically, I'm not sure about this paragraph, and I want to see the opinions of others. Tell me how it sounds.

Taxis, buses, men with suits, and briefcases, high school children with skateboards and scooters. A lady in a black dress walked by, talking to her husband over the cellphone about their financial problems. A group of teenagers were just coming back from shopping, ready to go to the Movie Theater. Lawyers. Business men. Shopkeepers, security guards, salesmen. Individual functions, coming together to form this intricate network.
 
I don't get it, just be carefull with the "and " you use it to much.
 
Too many individual phrases clumped together.
 
Sounds good, I just edited it a bit, tell me how this sounds:

The city moved by. Taxis, buses, men with suits and briefcases, high school children with skateboards and scooters. A lady in a black dress walked by, talking to her husband over the cellphone about their financial problems. A group of teenagers were just coming back from shopping, ready to go to the Movie Theater. Lawyers. Business men. Shopkeepers, security guards, salesmen. Individual functions, coming together to form this intricate network.
Everybody was just doing their job.
 
oh noes! you made a fatal mistake!
teenagers arent allowed to be away from home that long!
either that or they have to be studying!

iono im failing writing...although were not actually learning anything
 
ne0_shiny said:
oh noes! you made a fatal mistake!
teenagers arent allowed to be away from home that long!
either that or they have to be studying!

iono im failing writing...although were not actually learning anything
Click to expand...

Maybe you would learn if you listened...
 
what's the deal with the capitalizations?
Movie Theatre?

The one phrase that sounded kind of weak to me was
"A group of teenagers were just coming back from shopping"

It's all very clever and thought provoking which is good for an opening or something. But I find stories that go on like this for too long can sometimes make my head hurt and don't really go anywhere. Read Fugitive Pieces to get what I mean.

Also, this line is inconsistent
Taxis, buses, men with suits, and briefcases, high school children with skateboards and scooters
Click to expand...
the comma before "and briefcases" doesn't make any sense. It would seem to classify briefcases along with the taxis, and highschool kids. If it's just an item with the men, as in "men with (suits and briefcases)" then you don't need the comma inbetween them because there's only two items just like "skateboards and scooters".
 
did noone else care how he had no complete logical sentences in that entire paragraph. unless that was done for effect. and to that I say. good job at making an effective incoherent paragraph.
 
it's . called . artistic . license
 
Yeah that is artistic liscence, and if you read any books... it's used allot to spead up a peice of text or make it exciting.
 
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