Left 4 Dead:Outbreak Part I

[Gman]

My atempt at a L4D story.

Left 4 Dead:Outbreak
Part I
By MegaanthraxSlaylica

A group of survivors dragged themselves to the abandoned street.They were exhausted and had been going on for days.They were low on ammo and were hoping that another vicious horde would not ambush them.
If things weren't bad enough rain pelted them and there destroyed clothes."Wait" said Ronald.Ronald was a young man who is a qualified doctor with short brown hair and a pump-action shotgun.The four of them stopped in their tracks as they seen a man who was standing in the darkness.The young woman with a Uzi submachine gun sneaked up to the man."Hello?" said Jane.She is a Africian american with black hair and a Dawn of the Dead t-shirt.The man turned around and screamed the four survivors blew him apart with there pounding weapons."YEAH!!!" said a teenager.Otto was his name and metal is his game.He has curly black hair and a t-shirt with the name SLAYER printed on his shirt and shorts down to the knees.He was a identical twin to The Simpsons's Otto.Then there was Harry.A old horror film actor.While working on the TV zombie show he had to dress up as a zombie.So he is wearing a basic zombie suit.His head was the only exposed bit of his body.He was a balding man with grey hair."Good job it ws only one". said Otttto leaned on a flashing car.The other three all shouted "NO!!!".Out of every crack in the buildings zombies came sprinting at them.The streets were flooded with the Horde.
Trying to fight off the horde was not easy even if you did have lots of ammo,nevermind having only three clips at the least.The ran for refuge into a small store.They barricaded the windows and tryed to hold off the remaining undead.Suddenly a huge roar came out of nowhere."TANK!!!".The tank burst through the poor barricade and tryed to pummel Jane.
Hunters crawled in and tryed to pounce Otto.They ran into a small cuboard and locked the door."We are Left for Dead!!"said Ronald panting.
(To be countinued)
Part II coming soon.
So did you like it?

 

[FrostedxB]

Might I suggest spell check and some proof reading for grammar? It wasn't too bad, but there were several points where the story made no sense because the grammar was atrocious.

IE - The man turned around and screamed the four survivors blew him apart with there pounding weapons.

Did the man scream that the survivors were shooting him?
Also, their pounding weapons? What is a pounding weapon?

And where was this...cupboard? On an empty street that apparently wasn't so empty?

Be a bit more descriptive too. An African American girl with black hair doesn't quite give the reader a good idea of what Jane may look like, or her facial expressions when she see's the young man.

EDIT: Also, paragraphs would help make this much easier to follow.

 

[kineaesth]

They ran into a small cuboard and locked the door."We are Left for Dead!!"said Ronald panting.
(To be countinued)
Part II coming soon.
So did you like it?

This is a fantastic ending.

 

[Gman]

Do you think?

I mean it was alright to me.

What was cool about the ending?

 

[Wanted Bob]

I agree with Frosted. Story would be much easier to read if it was separated into paragraphs and if the grammar was improved. Being more descriptive would flesh out the story too. Everyones gotta start somewhere though, so keep writing.

 

[Gman]

I tryed my best anyway.At least someone liked it.

Eyes at kineaesth.

 

[kineaesth]

Oh, yeah, I mean, I laughed, I cried

Anyway I moved your thread to the correct forum

 

[MJ12]

This is a fantastic ending.

Part II

"Suddenly, another group of survivors ran into the cupboard with them and locked the door. "We are Left for Dead TOO!!" said the second group panting.

 

[ríomhaire]

It took 6 years for someone to register the name Gman?