Mr.Reak's Loveshack

[Mr.Reak]

People always ask me one question for some odd reason. “What is love?” they ask. How do you respond to that? Been I bit younger, I would say “love is wonderful feeling, a mix of anger, frustration, madness, passion, uncertainty, complete happiness. You keep that mix in a bucket and then you spray it all over yourself, once you meet someone special.” That’s what I would say, a year ago perhaps, or maybe two, let’s make it 3 years ago. Actually, I would say it before I ever met American women, crazy bitches who have no idea what the want. I can write long essay about American women, who are once again completely insane sluts with no brain cells what so ever.
But I should leave my bitterness out of this thread, instead I will gave you super helpful tips on how to find THE ONE in your life. This forum composed of 100% male audience, so we will be hunting for female partner.


1.) How to spot a girl.

Well, it’s not that hard. The only problem you will have with that if :
a) you didn’t leave basement of your parents for 10 years
b) you live in San Francisco
c) you live in the middle of ****ing nowhere ala Antarctica.

So, if you are none of above, you just go to the mall or on the street, and start to search for creatures with two hills sticking out. You also have special object, given to you by Mother Nature, so you can detect girls more easily. If it gets hard, you are on the right pass.

2.) Scan the girl

So now your object pointed you to the right direction, time to check out what it pointed to. Remember when people say looks don’t matter, go for the personality? Bullshit, who are you gonna trust, some idiots or your penis? That’s what I thought!

Main thing about women, bigger their breast size, the smarter they are. You will ask, why Japanese women are so smart while having no breasts at all? Well, Japanese women are god damn stupid, men did everything. Plus we dropped two atomic bombs on japs, do you want to date Godzilla-mutated-women-with-small-breasts? That’s what I thought! Aim for biggest size, I tell you. Ass plays not that big of a role, so we won’t discuss it.

So, if woman has big tits, nice ass, and sexy legs, plus blond hair, GO FOR HER! It’s a woman of your dreams, your penis doesn’t lie, she WAS MADE for you!

3.) Talk to her

She is a perfect fit, now it’s time to actually say something. Women hate good guys, they like assholes. Read as follows:

“Hey ‘ho”
“Excuse me?”
“SHUT UP BITCH” *slap*
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Suck my dick ‘ho!” *take out your penis and slap her around with it*
“SOMEONE HELP… *gulp*”

Well there you go, you scored your first date. If she calls police, run, because girl was stupid for not noticing the size of your penis. Remember though, size does matter, and 3 inches is perfectly normal, everything bigger is a god given gift and woman must love you for that.

However if girl sucked it hard, plus sucked your best friends penis too, for some cash, that means she is hard worker and will get far in life. She is a perfect fit.

4) Date her

So first date went over smooth. Now what? Time to have great sex! Who said women want to talk, hey you can’t talk with mouthful. So yeah… what else can I suggest here? Women don’t really like gifts, but they sure like to cook and clean your house. If she doesn’t want to, beat her up, women get horny for tough love.



So, that was pretty easy, am I right? But what if there are some problems in relationship?
Of course, I can share questions people ask me:


Q: Well, my girlfriend says I pay more attention to her sister, who is pretty hot btw. What should I do?
A: Sleep with the sister, of course. Tell your girlfriend it will be a test of your love and that you need just to make sure. She will understand, if she doesn’t.. well **** her sister and brake up with her. Get a new girlfriend, with a hot best friend.

Q: My girlfriend doesn’t want to give me blowjob.. what’s the problem?
A: Problem is, that she is still your girlfriend. Find new one.

Q: What should I give my girlfriend on her birthday? I am completely out of ideas!
A: God damn, didn’t you read the guide? Your penis is enough of a present. How many times should I say that?

Q: Seems my girlfriend want a marriage, I don’t think I am ready yet. What can I do?
A: What’s marriage? No, I mean seriously, what are you talking about?

Q: She wants kids for two years now… I said no all the time, but now she gone crazy and started put holes in my condoms. Help me!
A: Take baseball bat and beat the shit out of her and her vagina. Remember what I told about tough love? It will surely help!

Q: I think you guide is total bullshit. My girlfriend likes me for personality and I like her even more, she is so sweet.
A: Hey, I am sorry that your fat ass found some ugly looking ass whale over at Anime Con, and now you guys kiss and watch crappy anime shows. Shut up loser and go cry to your mommy.



Anyway guys, if you have any questions about relationship, ask me and I will surely help you out! I AM MR.REAK AND I AM GOOD AT MAKING LOVE WITH MY PENIS!

 

[Varg|Hund]

/me cuddles Mr Reak.
Great, as always :E

 

[CyberSh33p]

You could write a dating bible my friend! I took this advice and since reading have already had 30 sex and 4 girlfriends!

Mr. Reak For pres!

 

[blahblahblah]

Great advice for the average HL2.net forumite. :thumbs:

I must ask, what does it mean if you prefer burnettes, Mr. Reak?

 

[Mr.Reak]

Great advice for the average HL2.net forumite. :thumbs:

I must ask, what does it mean if you prefer burnettes, Mr. Reak?

That means you are still a virgin.

 

[blahblahblah]

That means you are still a virgin.

Just asking for the shy people here. Cause I...uh...uhh...prefer blondes with Double D's.

 

[CrazyHarij]

Haha, genius.

 

[Mr.Reak]

Just asking for the shy people here. Cause I...uh...uhh...prefer blondes with Double D's.

Of course that’s the case

 

[Dedalus]

whoa. so that's what i've been doing wrong all these years. cool, i'm off to the streets of london to find me a woman!

 

[ailevation]

Reak is great.

 

[Dr. Freeman]

im almost beginning to think Munro pays this guy for these weird yet interesting threads.. tho this particular thread is anything but weird :E

 

[DoctorGordon]

So wait a minute here, you've actually done step #3?

 

[Alec_85]

Enlightening. Very enlighrening :E Great stuff here.

 

[Tr0n]

I always like reading your stories.You should right a book or somethin!

 

[Z|insane]

Awesome as per usual Reak!!!!

 

[SLH]

"The key to a womans heart is through her parents, have sex with them and you're in." -Zap - Futurama

 

[Recoil]

Teh funneh!!!!11one

 

[lePobz]

Which part of this is funny? I seem to be missing it...

Oh that's right, it isn't funny. You people need to get out more.

 

[Mr.Reak]

Which part of this is funny? I seem to be missing it...

Oh that's right, it isn't funny. You people need to get out more.

Here we see a sexually frustrated person. See guys what it does to you, being alone all the time? You lose perspective of reality, you become grouchy, a party pooper (not like anyone invited you on a party).

This is a guide to success, not a love story, so I will guide you lePobz. First change your nickname, you have traits of French in it. Women hate French, they love Freedom though. Are you a terrorists, WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA SO MUCH?!

Second, get rid of a gay thing jumping in your signature, are you a man or up-ass-taker?

Third, why the hell am I helping you, with such ugly WHITE face nobody will date you at all. Oh well, smile once in a while, might help. Get a tan, more of it.

 

[PvtRyan]

Great read Reak

But it's a bit redundant, I get EVERY girl with just on pick-up line, and have sex with them on the first date. Just ask them "does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?" and they'll be all over you, or all over the ground.

 

[Maxi]

Man you rock! I love your stories... you should put all your stories in a book and sell it!

 

[lePobz]

Here we see a sexually frustrated person. See guys what it does to you, being alone all the time? You lose perspective of reality, you become grouchy, a party pooper (not like anyone invited you on a party).

That may be true, except for one slight error on your part.

My GF was round this morning, we were home alone. What we did exactly i'll leave up to your imagination, but it's safe to say I am neither 'alone' nor sexually frustrated.

Infact, Reading what you say just makes me ask what you think is so funny about it? Maybe an effect of being alone and sexually frustrated for so long makes you write crap like that...

 

[Mr.Reak]

Great read Reak

But it's a bit redundant, I get EVERY girl with just on pick-up line, and have sex with them on the first date. Just ask them "does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?" and they'll be all over you, or all over the ground.

See, man knows what he is talking about, he is not a loser, he is a sex machine! Rape is not a crime, if nobody knows about it.

That may be true, except for one slight error on your part.

My GF was round this morning, we were home alone. What we did exactly i'll leave up to your imagination, but it's safe to say I am neither 'alone' nor sexually frustrated.

Infact, Reading what you say just makes me ask what you think is so funny about it? Maybe an effect of being alone and sexually frustrated for so long makes you write crap like that...

Stop lying to yourself, it wasn’t your girlfriend, it was cardboard cut out of Britney Spears.
Didn’t you read any of my thought-provoked stories? You just don’t understand them, they are so complicated, like Matrix: Reloaded.

 

[evil^milk]

Which part of this is funny? I seem to be missing it...

Oh that's right, it isn't funny. You people need to get out more.

yep.

sorry!

 

[h00dlum]

Stop lying to yourself, it wasn’t your girlfriend, it was cardboard cut out of Britney Spears.

hahah that was funny...yes it was!! OH YES IT WAS!!

 

[lePobz]

That was funny? Pardon my french, but what the F**K?

Is Mr.Reak some sort of e-clown that does seemingly un-funny things that you just can't help laughing at?

Guess i'm just immune to your rather toxic humor, Reak... Sorry.

 

[Korgoth]

I love Mr. Reak. Buy his books and passage in the complete audio tape set people. For only 12 easy payments of $19.95 you could score like I do.

I used to be a loser who sat at home playing counter strike until 4 in the morning up until the point my sugary soda would put me in a diabetic coma only to recover three days later with a massive head ache, and two new mexicans staying in my house.

But since i recieved my Mr. Reaks "penis magic: you can sexceed" in the mail. I've been clubbin' bitches at the club, and i'm near as many ho's deep as gene simmons!!! Thats what I call results.

Act today folks! For a limited time offer, and only if you act right now (supplies are limited) you will recieve FREE!! Mr. Reak's "special" blend cocktail mix. Thats right folks, one slip of this magice powder into her drink and you don't even have to waste time with small talk!

And thats not all!!! If you call within the nexst five minutes, you will recieve our added bonus, FREE OF CHARGE, mr reak's "how to leave the country to dodge child support and civil suites in under 20 hours"... 95 pages of pure genius. Get outta town post haste. Mr. Reak will teach you how to befriend Paco, and with his 87' chevy astro, you'll be a south american citizen before you can say "guatamala" WooT!

Don't wait! Act today!!!

1-800-REA-KROX
(sorry no C.O.D.)

 

[K e r b e r o s]

Which part of this is funny? I seem to be missing it...

I've read this before on another webpage. But that was two years ago. I've heard about it on TV, but its reference only placed it at the shows creativity and not an outside resource.

So, its not new to me. If it where, I might've had a greater "funny moment".

Oh that's right, it isn't funny. You people need to get out more.

It has its own "Funny". I shared that, "funny" moment. But, I dont take to heart this doctrine of mishaps.

Here we see a sexually frustrated person.

you SURE? (Seems like if as we scroll down your wrighting, keeping quoted your reply, we find out its...)

Actually, I would say it before I ever met American women, crazy bitches who have no idea what the want

I can write long essay about American women, who are once again completely insane sluts with no brain cells what so ever.

looks don’t matter, go for the personality? Bullshit, who are you gonna trust, some idiots or your penis? That’s what I thought!

Plus we dropped two atomic bombs on japs, do you want to date Godzilla-mutated-women-with-small-breasts?

Time to have great sex! Who said women want to talk, hey you can’t talk with mouthful.

...YOU!

See guys what it does to you, being alone all the time?

Well, reading the essay on the very top of this, "topic", really brought that into clarity who was more alone. :naughty:

To be honest, I dont mind Mr. Reaks commentary or wrighting. Its just his attitude afterwards.

You lose perspective of reality

...and write articles about how women suck because your pathetically lame at picking them up. No wait, thats rude. I should leave you with some hope here:

Men. Get them. Get them good.

But see, I was thinking a reply like this too...

You lose perspective of reality

...and also believe that if you carry on the immaturity from your first rant, not rather "guide", that people will be amazed at how gifted you are living in your own world. Well, we are. :dozey:

Well, im stuck between the two. So maybe I'll pick up on one of them being the better, and remove the "unadapted" replies"

First change your nickname, you have traits of French in it. Women hate French, they love Freedom though.

Mr. Reak, huh. First, change your nickname, you have traits of not using Deodorant in it. Women hate smelly men, they love good smelling men though.

While its all fun and games until someone gets hurt, the French jokes do kind of get old. Besides, this topic was about American Women, not...you. American Women like French names and accents they actually think its sexah.

Are you a terrorists, WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA SO MUCH?!

Its so great to see he is able to implement the lesser of a world social problem into one of his "own." Jumping from women to terrorism, someone must be bouncing between a future in his life.

Second, get rid of a gay thing jumping in your signature, are you a man or up-ass-taker?

Im a man. But I'm also a up-ass-taker. That thing however, jumping in LePobz signature, does get a man of your tastes going. You know what? Mr. Reak, I bet your gay.

Stop lying. Everything you associate with always has a homosexual trait or name. If im not careful, I'll have one too...

Third, why the hell am I helping you, with such ugly WHITE face nobody will date you at all

...? I dunno. Actually, I've been wanting to date men more based on the preferences you provide of women. I know thats not true, but the last thing I want to be is a strungout man like you. /sarcasm

Oh well, smile once in a while, might help. Get a tan, more of it.

So his comment to, "the get out more" statement. But I think its true, Mr. Reak. lePobz is right, you've not dated much, let alone ...

...left basement of your parents for 10 years

...

Maybe an effect of being alone and sexually frustrated for so long makes you write crap like that...

It does. Because some people have no other outlets. So when people laugh, they feel their opinion is actually gratified. So then they go back to dating...

...and come back wrighting stuff like that.

See, man knows what he is talking about, he is not a loser,

No person prompted the possibility of him being a looser. Or, a Loser. As...you said.

But he does know what he is talking about. He communicated it rather effectively, so now he gets the response every mature person dreams of getting. The old, teenager barf up of, "SEE COOL PEOPLE, HES NOT A LOOSER, BECAUSE HE SAID SOMETHING AND STOOD UP FOR HIMSELF"/sarcasmoftehbully

Rape is not a crime, if nobody knows about it.

Since you started the tradition of this, I'll have a go at it. Once this is over. My post.

Stop lying to yourself, it wasn’t your girlfriend, it was cardboard cut out of Britney Spears.

HEHEHEHEHEHE! SNICKER*SNICKER*SNICKER*SNICKER* /sarcasm

Didn’t you read any of my thought-provoked stories?

You mean, your CAPABLE of wrighting something intelligible? ...damn... I just thought you were the forums e-comic.

Is Mr.Reak some sort of e-clown that does seemingly un-funny things that you just can't help laughing at?

Sorta.

Oh yea, heres that thing I promised.

Tuna in a can, means its fresh sealed!

 

[oldagerocker]

erm.... 'yes'. Anyway, Mr Reak has female wallhax, so watch it. he'll take your women if you do so much as blink.

 

[K e r b e r o s]

Mr Reak has female wallhax, so watch it.

I know he does...

/ikidikid in my long post of death. I'll let it boil over first, then come back to see if its the right temperature.

 

[HatRabit]

I tried step 3 with my brothers girlfriend.

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......

Spoiler

It didnt work

 

[OrrA]

some of you people take Mr.Reak way too seriously for your own good

If you don't like his posts, don't read them. If you do, enjoy. That's all. :cheese:

 

[K e r b e r o s]

some of you people take Mr.Reak way too seriously for your own good

If you don't like his posts, don't read them. If you do, enjoy. That's all.

Thats too bad Mr.Reak did'nt insult you based on the opinions shared.

 

[OrrA]

Thats too bad Mr.Reak did'nt insult you based on the opinions shared.

Why would I care if he insulted me? I find some entertainment in his saddistic humour because I know he doesn't actually believe all he says, or at least I hope :|
Whenever i see some kind of post or whatever like this, I don't take it fully seriously, if you do you'll just get insulted or angry, and where's the fun in that? :E

I'm sure he absolutely enjoys pissing some of you off though :dozey:

 

[CyberSh33p]

I TALK ALOT

that was a huge waste of time, and you only make yourself look the dumber...

 

[Korgoth]

yeah sh33psies got a point....

 

[OrrA]

Definitively.. I didn't even bother reading such a long post aimed at attacking Mr.Reak, it's obviously a waste of time :rolling:

 

[Neutrino]

Some stuff

You people taking this seriously are hilarious.

 

[Mr.Reak]

BAHAHA, thank you K e r b e r o s, thank you so MUCH! Posters like you make this forum so much better, I had a great laugh reading your respond to my crap. Sarcastic attacks were the best part, my self-esteem is down now, I am on the brake of taking my life.

P.S. French jokes will get old only when at least one of them Frenchman take a shower.

P.S.S If people still think everything I write is true... well good for you I guess.

 

[K e r b e r o s]

Hahaha! Good laugh! Times like this are ones to remember. ...never...gets...old...