Need a writer?

[Deleter]

If any mod team is looking for a writer-NOTE NOT IDEA MAN- I'm open. I'll write anything between 1-30ish pages. I prefer SciFi, but am open, just post if you're interested. Or just post to tell me how bad of an author I am, I don't care :thumbs:. Here's a sample of my current WIP:

"Ieth looked down the crevice formed by the two corpses of what had been at one time office buildings. Darkness pervaded the area, rendering his action futile. Not even a dim shape to give an idea of what was in there. He took a step away from the gap. A sharp hiss acted as a rewind on his control; his foot stepped back to where it had been before. His body was no longer his own as it began traveling further into the black maw. The air was still and morbid, a sense of death hung on it that rendered it almost toxic. He bothered not with preparing to meet whatever was in there. Should it be Satan himself it couldn't be much worse than it was now. The very nature of the being was evil enough to bring all darkness to it. He felt his already diminished grasp on reality fade as reality turned to nightmare. A faint red hue permeated the darkness, instilling fear into his mind. He felt his life was not the only thing threatened here but his entire soul. Whispers found their way into his ears and maliciously attacked whatever was left of his weakened resolve. Coldness, death, darkness, suffering, all were his fellows as he slipped into fear stronger than strength itself. His life, soul, and existence were forfeit."

 

[Tynan]

I think you should simplify your writing a little bit. Your metaphor to sentence ratio is extremely high.

 

[Analognovelist]

Also, I would very much consider trying to move your writing from the passive(ie, He was doing) to the active (ie. He did) You need alot of work on mechanics in general I think

 

[Deleter]

hmm, interesting. I get different types of criticism from writers in writing forums, maybe I should post more here, lol. anyway, thanks for the comments.

 

[Crispy]

Also, I would very much consider trying to move your writing from the passive(ie, He was doing) to the active (ie. He did) You need alot of work on mechanics in general I think

Sorry but your example for the passive is actually an example of the imperfect tense (a continuous action which is taking place in the past).

Active present: He does
Passive present: (Something) is done by him

Active past: He did
Passive past: (Something) was done by him

[Edit:] More examples...

Active past: The car crashed into a tree
Passive past: The car was crashed into a tree

 

[Pesmerga]

You seem to be putting too much emphasis on making it sound good and not giving the reader a descriptive view of what's happening.

Ieth looked down the crevice formed by the two corpses of what had been at one time office buildings. Darkness pervaded the area, rendering his action futile. Not even a dim shape to give an idea of what was in there. He took a step away from the gap. A sharp hiss acted as a rewind on his control; his foot stepped back to where it had been before. His body was no longer his own as it began traveling further into the black maw. The air was still and morbid, a sense of death hung on it that rendered it almost toxic. He bothered not with preparing to meet whatever was in there. Should it be Satan himself it couldn't be much worse than it was now. The very nature of the being was evil enough to bring all darkness to it. He felt his already diminished grasp on reality fade as reality turned to nightmare. A faint red hue permeated the darkness, instilling fear into his mind. He felt his life was not the only thing threatened here but his entire soul. Whispers found their way into his ears and maliciously attacked whatever was left of his weakened resolve. Coldness, death, darkness, suffering, all were his fellows as he slipped into fear stronger than strength itself. His life, soul, and existence were forfeit

My version...
Ieth peered into the gap of the two abandoned buildings. Darkness enshrouded the opening as if light had chosen not to enter this eery passage. The breeze picked up behind Ieth, and for a brief moment, he felt that same darkness in the alley now in his heart, decaying his spirit. His body jolted into a locked position, unwilling to move even his jaw in order to scream in panic. Now without control, the darkness dragged him into that same shrouded opening inbetween the two giant stone witnesses. Being pulled into that abyss felt like a thousand cold hands pulling him into the dismal hole, and the further he went, silent whispers echoed throughout his mind, maliciously attacking what was left of his weakened resolve. Now Ieth's only sense that he was still living was the pain that streamed in his blood, and yet still unwilling to scream in fury as he continued to be hurried to whatever fate might be waiting for him at the end.

I really liked some of the parts of yours, but the way you got to them and the way you continued them was ucky, imo. Good setting, though.

 

[Deleter]

hmm, thanks. This is a rough draft just so you know. it is really interesting (and helpful) to hear comments from you, so thanks again. Just out of curiosity, Pesmerga, around what age are you?

 

[Darkside55]

You guys are going about this wrong. Far too much simile and metaphor; it sounds like bad Max Payne dialogue (as redundant as that might be). Detail is good, I put lots of detail into my writing, but don't let the details bog down the scene. There is a lot to be said for simplicity. You're both writing as if you want to overtly convey your point to the reader, which is, from what I can gather by reading the passages, is that the darkness of Ieth's surroundings mirrors the emotions within him. That is your focus.

Edit: I think that an example might help, rather than just that brief paragraph there, so I will link you to a fanfic post of mine that is slightly similar to what you wrote.

This may help explain it better.

 

[Pesmerga]

Deleter - 15.

You guys are going about this wrong. Far too much simile and metaphor; it sounds like bad Max Payne dialogue (as redundant as that might be). Detail is good, I put lots of detail into my writing, but don't let the details bog down the scene. There is a lot to be said for simplicity.

While I don't feel like I need to correct myself to you, that peice was done in 3 minutes. And while there's something to be said about simplicity, there is also something to be said about immersion. And the point of that passage was to give the reader an idea about where Ieth was going, and how shitty the situation was.

 

[Darkside55]

While I don't feel like I need to correct myself to you

Am I detecting some hostility there? Calm down, I'm trying to help you out here. Saying, "Oh it only took me three minutes," doesn't matter at all. However I do understand the fact that it's hard to write something you don't have your heart in, like trying to rewrite someone else's work. That's precisely the reason I didn't bother trying to recreate what Deleter said. I'm just trying to give you guys some critiques. If you didn't want any, you shouldn't have posted your work then, should you?

And again, while I could tell where Ieth was going, and the overuse of comparisons made it extremely plain how dark and menacing the situation was supposed to be, I didn't feel immersed in the passage at all. Reading something like,

"Now Ieth's only sense that he was still living was the pain that streamed in his blood, and yet still unwilling to scream in fury as he continued to be hurried to whatever fate might be waiting for him at the end."

just takes me out of it.

Subtlety is important to immersion, that's why I made that comment. When someone reads something, they're imagining things in their head. Not everyone will imagine the same thing, and that's one of the joys of reading. When your mind starts creating what the scene looks like, what the scene feels like, when you begin to understand what Ieth is going through that's what's immersive.
Look at it this way: in old horror movies, there would always be a creaky door at the end of a hallway. The camera would show the protagonist creeping up to the door, turning the handle, wrenching the door open...and screaming! But they'd never show you what was behind the door. People were afraid without seeing what was behind the door because their minds made up things far worse than what the directors could've told them was in there. That's subtlety. They're forcing you to think of the details, not beating the viewer over the head with them.

 

[Deleter]

DarkSide55-thanks for the comments.
I never thought of half the things you guys are talking about. Such as how his inner feelings reflect the outer, w/e. This really was just written with a sudden inspiration, not much time and zero planning. But thanks to all of you who have given comments.