Please critique my story

[Saruke]

This is an expanded and revised portion of my previous story thread

I thank you all in advance for your help.

The Argo was never meant to be a military vessel. It?s first purpose was to be a luxury liner for some rich coreworlder, but the war had changed all that.

You could still see the original silver hull plating if you looked hard enough. Peeking out from under the bleak grey of the Ceristeel armor plating and EM shielding, it served to make the ship look all the more out of place. It?s feeble class 1 offensive systems were torn out and replaced by a fully loaded class 5 weapons compliment designed to repulse any threat.

In every way she was a child of the war, born in peace and tempered by the fires of war she had become a symbol of inner strength and determination, a beacon of hope to those who served with her and quiet strength to her Captain.

But now the war was over, peace had come to the galaxy and The Argo became an antique relic, rusting away at the bottom of a junk heap.

It was there that Rivas found her, a scrap of her former glory. The trader had tried to bargain when Rivas made his offer but he could remember the look of relief on the trader?s face when he bought her. At first he didn't even know why he bought her himself, but he guessed that when he saw the rusted hull of the Argo he saw a fellow soldier in need, an old warrior who shouldn't turn into another casualty.

But the noble ambitions he once had were soured by the reality of this new galaxy and the lofty dreams Rivas once had were replaced by mundane necessities. The Argo was now a mercenary ship, her captain was an old soldier and her crew assembled from the dregs of society. It was poor life for such a venerated ship but it was a free existence only occasionally visited by the darker realities of this world and as misfortune would have it, this was such a time.

Money had been particularly tight recently so when the man approached him approached him about doing a job which paid more money than he had ever seen, he accepted without thinking. Half a galaxy later he thought he was beginning to have second thoughts,

"What's our current location Kak?"

The red Saurian turned to study his console. Standing over seven feet in height the giant reptile struck an intimidating figure which was only accentuated by the alabaster mud that webbed over his body, the meaning Kak chose to keep a mystery.

"We are currently seven days out from Sentinel station and two days from the target." Kak said in his usual whispery slither.

"Good..." Rivas studied Kak for a moment. It had been six years since The Argo had crashed on Kak?s home planet. He still remembered the thick hot smell of the jungle and how the planet seemed to burst with life.

It was there, on that strange jungle world that he and his crew had been captured by Kak?s tribe, a society of sentient reptilian humanoids who, unfortunately for them, were nowhere near a technological level appropriate for contact. Kak?s people saw the coming of The Argo as the herald of the apocalypse and her crew demons sent by their ancient god of death. Kak, who had been in some position of authority, Rivas never understood how their society actually worked, was the only one who had been sympathetic to his crew.

That sympathy turned to devotion when Rivas had saved Kak from one of the jungle?s fiercer denizens and Kak chose to free them from their bondage and stay with them when they left his planet.

My only fear is that I'm summarizing plot points too quickly.

 

[Pesmerga]

Your fears are well placed. You're going too broad- you need to narrow your attention to something concrete. I'm not sure where I am. I jumped from buying an old warship to being in the middle of a galaxy near some planet where some reptilian thing named Kak used to live.

Pretend you're telling the story to an adult. These "class 1 weapon systems" references mean nothing to me. You're getting way too specific on points that you should simply let the reader imagine for himself. Well written science fiction doesn't rely on specifics but rather universal ideas that readers can relate to. If you want to make a point about how an old warship used to be a luxury liner, do it in one sentence and as sparsely as possible.

Avoid explaining everything. You're trying to tell a story not write a documentary. The part where you explain why Kak is loyal to Rivas- totally unnecessary. It's like listening to a kid with ADD. Cut out everything you don't absolutely need.

I have no idea who this Rivas person is, I'm not sure why he's even part of the story. Who is he, why is he here, and what is he doing. The story needs purpose. I can tell you don't know where this story is going. Write a brief synopsis of what happens, what kinds of themes you want to portray, and always keep in mind who your reader is.

 

[theotherguy]

Here's my edit:

The Argo was never meant to be a military vessel. Its first purpose was to be a luxury liner for some rich core-worlder, but the war had changed all that. You could still see the original silver hull plating if you looked hard (word choice?)enough. Peeking out from under the bleak grey of the Ceristeel armor plating and EM shielding, it served to make the ship look all the more out of place. Its feeble class 1 offensive systems were torn out and replaced by a fully loaded class 5 weapons compliment designed to repulse any threat. (Tense confusion on this sentence, try using active voice here)

In every way she was a child of the war, born in peace and tempered by the fires of war, she had since become a symbol of inner strength and determination. A beacon of hope to those who served with her , she signified quiet strength to her Captain. But now the war was over. Peace had come to the galaxy and The Argo became an antique relic, rusting away at the bottom of a junk heap.

Rivas found her there, a mere scrap of her former glory. The trader had tried to bargain when Rivas made his offer but he (antecedent confusion) could remember the look of relief on the trader's face when he bought her. At first, not even he knew why he had bought her -- but when he saw the rusted hull of the Argo, he saw a fellow soldier in need, an old warrior, one to be protected from becoming yet another casualty.

His noble ambitions soured by the reality of this new galaxy, his dreams replaced by mundane necessities, Rivas became jaded. The Argo was now a mercenary ship, her captain an old soldier and her crew assembled from the dregs of society. It was poor life for such a venerated ship; but it was a free existence only occasionally visited by the darker realities of this world and, as misfortune would have it, this was such a time.

Money had been particularly tight recently, so when the man approached Rivas offering a job which paid more money than he had ever seen, he accepted without even thinking . Half a galaxy later (measurement confusion) he thought he was beginning to have second thoughts.

"What's our current location Kak?" Rivas asked.

The red Saurian turned to study his console. Standing over seven feet in height, the giant reptile had an intimidating figure, one only accentuated by the alabaster mud webbing over his body, the meaning of which Kak chose to keep a mystery.

"We are currently seven days out from Sentinel station and two days from the target." Kak hissed in his usual whispery slither.

"Good..." Rivas studied Kak for a moment. It had been six years since The Argo had crashed on Kak's home planet. He still remembered the thick, hot smell of the jungle and how the planet seemed to burst with life. It was there, on that strange jungle world that he and his crew had been captured by Kak's tribe, a society of sentient reptilian humanoids, who, unfortunately for Rivas' men, were nowhere near a technological level appropriate for contact. Kak's people saw the coming of The Argo as the herald of the apocalypse, her crew demons sent by their ancient god of death. Kak, who had been in some position of authority, (Rivas never understood how their society actually worked) was the only one who had been sympathetic to Rivas' crew.

Kak's sympathy became devotion when Rivas had saved Kak from one of the jungle's fiercer denizens and Kak chose to free them from their bondage and stay with them when they left his planet.

 

[Saruke]

I know this is contradictory from what I originally asked of you,

I was wondering if may be you could point out something that's good so I could keep it in my later works?

 

[Pesmerga]

Your spelling is decent. I mean, what do you want me to say? It's a tiny exert. Good job on ... putting yourself out there!

 

[kineaesth]

Your spelling is decent. I mean, what do you want me to say? It's a tiny exert. Good job on ... putting yourself out there!

Excerpt? Yeah. Saruke, it has promise, but it's really difficult to make judgments with so little.

 

[Pesmerga]

Excerpt, right. Decent spelling, Saruke!

 

[Saruke]

.....thanks....

 

[theotherguy]

I know this is contradictory from what I originally asked of you,

I was wondering if may be you could point out something that's good so I could keep it in my later works?

What's good: Your analogies and physical descriptions are pretty good. Your word choice is also quite decent.

What's lacking: You're using too much passive voice. For example, instead of "she became dirtied", or something like that, try "time dirtied her hull". You need to vary your sentence structure a bit, and always remember to avoid antecedent confusion by using pronouns only when its absolutely clear who you're talking about. Combine many of your lines into larger paragraphs. You have too many tiny paragraphs.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Er, I'm fairly sure this is like a 'story-plan' and not the actual story, amirite?

 

[Saruke]

There possible story ideas but I don't I just sort of write and see what comes.

For instance I wrote a new version of this passage today which is about 50% new stuff. (it's on a different comp so I can't post it yet)

The reason it's so jumbled is because this is how I write. Every time I change it and try to make it better until it's acceptable.

 

[theotherguy]

There possible story ideas but I don't I just sort of write and see what comes.

For instance I wrote a new version of this passage today which is about 50% new stuff. (it's on a different comp so I can't post it yet)

The reason it's so jumbled is because this is how I write. Every time I change it and try to make it better until it's acceptable.

Though that will save you editing work in the future, it will make writing anything substantial incredibly difficult. Its best to write it right the first time, but generally writers do first drafts of large passages and then edit later. Its much easier to edit by writing out your entire story, so you know exactly where its going. Then you can read through the whole passage, one page at a time, as if you were the reader. With your knowledge of what comes ahead in your writing, you should then be able to edit it to make it less confusing to the reader, and consistent with the rest of the work. Then, before you publish, you send it to an editor, who will read it and suggest changes / point out minor errors. If you can't afford an editor or don't want to publish, just have a few people you know read it over and tell you what they found confusing.

The best way to improve your writing is to read. Read everything you can, especially good literature by skilled writers, and over time you won't need to edit as often, because the words will come out as easily as if you were reading them.

 

[Saruke]

That's sounds like a very structured and efficent way to do things and I have not doubt it's effective but when I try to do it that way it feels like I'm handicapping myself because though one part of my story might be a good idea, I might (in reality definitely) have a better one down the road and if I plan it out too much I'm stuck using that mediocre idea.

That's just my personal opinion and it's a style that feels most natural to me.

(as for books if you have any you think I should read I'll be more than happy to do so.)

 

[Pesmerga]

http://www.halflife2.net/forums/showthread.php?t=138778&highlight=reading

Good examples there.

 

[Saruke]

Hey everybody I'm trying to describe the bridge of the starship and theres a big window at the front that looks out into space and I was wondering if anyone had a better word for that instead of "view screen" or "window"

Peace

 

[knut]

Forward observation deck?

/generic sci-fi movie word throw-in

 

[Saruke]

That's a good idea except for the fact its a window on the bridge and observation deck sounds like all you can do is observe,

and on the bridge of a ship you supposedly do....... other stuff.

 

[Sulkdodds]

An alternative approach would be to not take time out to describe the bridge. Just show it by virtue of what's happening there. Maybe you don't need to say there's a window or a viewscreen; space just expands, forbidding, in front of them.

 

[knut]

That's a good idea except for the fact its a window on the bridge and observation deck sounds like all you can do is observe,

and on the bridge of a ship you supposedly do....... other stuff.

I was thinking of a Star Destroyer at the time - no idea why one of them in particular - where all the commander(s) appear to do is stand with their hands behind their back looking though great big windows.

But yeah, good point.

 

[Saruke]

An alternative approach would be to not take time out to describe the bridge. Just show it by virtue of what's happening there. Maybe you don't need to say there's a window or a viewscreen; space just expands, forbidding, in front of them.

Thats a possibility but it's always hard to tell where the line is between pandering to your readers and being too obscure.

While some may get theres a window there others may just be like "wtf?"

 

[:~:FaR:~:AwAy:~:]

I thought it was built good. The spelling and detailing were good too. Better than what I can do! ;(

 

[Saruke]

what are you refering to?

 

[:~:FaR:~:AwAy:~:]

For me, how well the words paint a picture in my mind gives me an impression on the story. The psychical description is really good. If I'm making no sense, just tell me. ><;;

 

[Saruke]

oooooh your talking about my story!

lol well in that case thank you and I hope you'll tune in a couple days from now when I'll have my revised and expanded edition all ready for your reading pleasure (or displeasure..... Pesmerga)


hehehehe

 

[:~:FaR:~:AwAy:~:]

^^ For a minute there, I thought I made you mad. >< *still learning things around here* ^^;;

I will definetly tune in ^^ The story's interested me

 

[Saruke]

Oh and in response to a much earlier post by sulkdodds no I will not be posting any sort of plot summary since I don't want to give away my ideas and because of how much my stories change as I write them it would be extremely unreliable

 

[Sulkdodds]

Thats a possibility but it's always hard to tell where the line is between pandering to your readers and being too obscure.

While some may get theres a window there others may just be like "wtf?"

I don't think so, as long as they're aware from the context what's going on. I am very 'black box' about sci-fi technology; for all I care, there could be a forcefield that is acting as a window, there could be a genuine window (unlikely - it's a vulnerability) or, most plausibly, the bridge is actually located far back in the ship, and armoured, and what the characters see is a near-flawless virtual or holographic representation. Such things could be communicated by how the characters act around the view (if the Captain says "Reverse view, please", and the view changes, it's fairly obvious it's a computer-controlled hologram. You could even have the characters stand within a great big holo representation, nebulae drifting past their faces, pointing to floating planets and marked-up enemy sightings. This is not necessarily the right approach, but you should be aware that there are options other than the standard and fairly clumsy approach of taking time out to describe what the bridge looks like (story stops. new paragraph. "The control room was wide, with rows of computers running left-to-right...").

I'm not very qualified to give you a sci-fi reading list, but I'll try to keep it concise...

Arthur C. Clarke - 2001: A Space Oddessey
AFAIK Arthur Clarke is the god of 'hard' sci-fi, which is focused on scientific realities and plausability. It is also worth reading Ringworld by Larry Niven and Foundation by Isaac Asimov. For a bit of bizarre space opera, check out Dune by Frank Herbert.

For the new, socially-focused, radical SF of the 1970s (ish), I recommend you get hold of short story collections by Philip K Dick and Ursula K LeGuin. Dick, especially, is a proponent (or simply manifestation) of the theory that the real heroes of sci-fi should be the new ideas. Also get short stories by Ray Bradbury.

William Gibson's Neuromancer is the primary example of the 'cyberpunk' style that evolved in the 1980s, emphasising grimy near-futures where humanity has not improved, only sped up, where technology is the tool of gigantic corporations and rogue governments, and where information is the ultimate power.

Considering what you are writing, you will be most interested in the military science-fiction of Robert Heinlein, or the space wars of Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game and Joe Haldeman's The Forever War. I also highly recommend Iain M Banks, specifically the first three novels of his Culture series, for a modern and acutely political take on action sci-fi. This paragraph is the one I would priorities as I believe these stories and authors bear most similarity to what you are attempting.

Finally, for visions and ideas that seem to make much previous sci-fi antiquitated, have a look at Cory Doctorow and Charles Stross. Their bizarre post-singularity fables can mostly be found for free online, and are pretty short reads, not to mention mind-boggling.

At the end of the day, though, it might be best to avoid sci-fi, and just read whatever's good; in this way you will not be trying to react to what has already gone, and will be working, in a sense, independently.

 

[:~:FaR:~:AwAy:~:]

That is quite the list. :upstare:

 

[Sulkdodds]

For practise, do a short story. Get a good idea, or just a good story structure, one which is strong, even if it's not original (perhaps a twist)! Then execute it. Get it all down. Then you can get to editing it. This is honestly a useful method. What you said earlier about your ideas changing and not wanting to put things down is not a good idea; once you get to the point where you are prepared to write about something you need to start writing it immediately. If your ideas change, you can edit things later. Really, you can. As it is, you risk ever-procrastinating, adjusting your story over and over again but never actually getting started on it.

 

[:~:FaR:~:AwAy:~:]

'adjusting your story over and over again but never actually getting started on it.' '*raises hand* that's me and I admit it. ;(

 

[Saruke]

I'm not writing for any sort of goal or objective I write because I need to write. There are just ideas that I have that I can't help but put to paper.

As for not getting started that's not a problem I have already completed several works satisfactorily so I don't feel the need to change or rush my unorganized and inefficent writing style

P.S. I will tell you this, I'm what you'd call a soft sci-fi writer. It's just that I don't like to ask the reader to make huge leaps of the imagination just because I can't do my job.

 

[theotherguy]

I'm not writing for any sort of goal or objective I write because I need to write. There are just ideas that I have that I can't help but put to paper.

As for not getting started that's not a problem I have already completed several works satisfactorily so I don't feel the need to change or rush my unorganized and inefficent writing style

P.S. I will tell you this, I'm what you'd call a soft sci-fi writer. It's just that I don't like to ask the reader to make huge leaps of the imagination just because I can't do my job.

A soft sci-fi writer is one who focuses on character interactions and psychological/socological sci-fi. A hard sci-fi writer focuses on what is actually scientifically possible, thus you'd be making greater leaps of the imagination if you were reading soft sci-fi. However, this can make hard sci-fi extremely tedious because of its detailed analysis of the scientific plausibility behind the scenario.

 

[Pesmerga]

Art out of necessity? Sounds IMPRESSIONIST OF YOU.

 

[Saruke]

I totally agree with you about the tediousness of 90% of hard sci-fi novels but I don't think a sci-fi writer should use "a wizard did it" excuse if you know what I mean.

 

[theotherguy]

I totally agree with you about the tediousness of 90% of hard sci-fi novels but I don't think a sci-fi writer should use "a wizard did it" excuse if you know what I mean.

Exactly. One has to find a balance between the technical details and the hand waving. The problem with most sci-fi is that the literature really suffers as the writer takes far too much time to explain the setting. Sci-fi writers often fall into the trap of being little more than setting describers, their plots, and most importantly their theme, being totally lost in the technical jargon.

The only real hard sci-fi writer who got around this, in my opinion, is Arthur C. Clarke.