Post your favorit joke

[ALEXDJ]

Post your favoit joke people

here is mine:

rich man walks in the bar with a bag of money and a horse
he says,"anyone who can make my horse laugh will get this bag of money". everybody tries for a long time but no sucess. Then this one drunk comes up to a horse, whispers something and the horse just goes off laughing like crazy. He refused to say how he did it.

a week later the same rich man comes in the bar with his horse and a bag of money and says, "this time who ever can make my horse cry will get this bag of money" everybody tryies but not one can make his horse cry, finnally the same drunk takes the horse into a small room, walks out a second later with the horse crying its eyes out. People asked him how he did it and he says "first time, when i had to make that horse laugh, i said that i have a bigger dick then he does, today i showed it to him"

 

[ríomhaire]

I love 'yo mama' and 'paddyman' jokes.

 

[Wraith]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

[The Monkey]

Some Norway-stories:

What do you find at the underside of an opened Norwegian can?
The text "Open here".

Why do Norwegians use hats instead of helmets when riding bikes?
They tested both by dropping them of a cliff.

How many Norwegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) 3, one to hold the bulb and two do turn the chair.
2) 1001, one to hold the bulb and 1000 to turn the house.

Boring!

 

[ALEXDJ]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

good one, haven't heard it anywhere else

 

[ALEXDJ]

I love 'yo mama' and 'paddyman' jokes.

tell us some

 

[ALEXDJ]

who about this one

how many sadistic men, does it take to screw in a light bulb

3
one screws in a light bulb
another one kicks the chair from underneath the first guy
and the last one, beats the first guy til first blood

 

[Tr0n]

Yo mom is so fat she...mmmm...cracked the world!

HAHAHAHA...ha.. *sigh*

 

[evil^milk]

teh funny:

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html

 

[ríomhaire]

Yo mama's so dumb she starved to death in a supermarket
I cannot be bothered to do more, there are websites of them

 

[Absinthe]

I'd rack up a few warnings if I posted my favorite joke.

 

[Garfield_]

A dog ate its own poo and the poo asked why

 

[The Dark Elf]

Post your favorite joke hmm..


Duke Nukem forever development.

 

[Dynasty]

2 sausages in a frying pan.
1 says to the other: 'god its hot in here'
other one says '**** a talking sausage'.

oxymoron: microsoft works

if all else fails you must still be using windows.

pcs are like AC units...they shut down when you open windows.

blonde and a brunette jump off the top of a building. why did the brunette hit the bottom first? because the blonde stopped to ask for directions.

man comes running home shouting with glee. her runs into the living room and his wife looks up from reading her book. looking confused, she stares at her husband. her husband shouts,
'I WON THE LOTTERY!!! PACK YOUR BAGS!!!'

his wife springs up and start screaming with him. jumping up and down shes shouts 'where should i pack for??!?!!!'

husband replies: 'i dont care just get out'

 

[Angry Lawyer]

An ageing woman goes to a plastic surgeon's office.

"Doctor, I need a facelift. But I don't want to have to come back in a few years time to have it done again when it all droops. Can you suggest a permanent solution?"

The surgeon thinks a moment, goes into his medical cupboard, and returns with an oven knob. He affixes it to the back of her head.

"Whenever you feel saggy, just give this a twist, and it'll strech your face, and you'll look ten years younger."

So she twists it - and amazingly, she looks young again. So, she pays him, and walks off home.

Two years years down the line, she returns to the surgeon.

"Your invention is fantastic! Every time I've sagged, I've given it a twist, and I'm young again! However, I've noticed a couple of side effects. For one, there's these massive bags under my eyes."

The doctor looks closely.

"Those aren't bags, ma'am, those are your breasts."

"Well, that explains the beard, then."

-Angry Lawyer

 

[CyberPitz]

A girl walks into confession....

"Father for I have sinned, I have called a boy a "Son Of a Bitch"

Father replies, "Why did you do that?"
"Well he grabbed my arm..."
"Like this?" Said the father grabbing her arm....
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he grabbed my breasts!"
"Like this?" said the father feeling her breasts.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a bitch"

"But he took off my clothes!!"
"Like this?" Said the father stripping her naked.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he stuck his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!"
"Like this?" Said the father demonstrating.....

----5 MINUTES LATER-----
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"
"But he has AIDs!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"



ahhh, I can never forget it.

 

[ALEXDJ]

An ageing woman goes to a plastic surgeon's office.

"Doctor, I need a facelift. But I don't want to have to come back in a few years time to have it done again when it all droops. Can you suggest a permanent solution?"

The surgeon thinks a moment, goes into his medical cupboard, and returns with an oven knob. He affixes it to the back of her head.

"Whenever you feel saggy, just give this a twist, and it'll strech your face, and you'll look ten years younger."

So she twists it - and amazingly, she looks young again. So, she pays him, and walks off home.

Two years years down the line, she returns to the surgeon.

"Your invention is fantastic! Every time I've sagged, I've given it a twist, and I'm young again! However, I've noticed a couple of side effects. For one, there's these massive bags under my eyes."

The doctor looks closely.

"Those aren't bags, ma'am, those are your breasts."

"Well, that explains the beard, then."

-Angry Lawyer

hahaha
lmfaf

 

[ALEXDJ]

Yo mom is so fat she...mmmm...cracked the world!

HAHAHAHA...ha.. *sigh*

just give up, you don't have what it takes

 

[jimbo118]

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple :|

 

[jimbo118]

A girl walks into confession....

"Father for I have sinned, I have called a boy a "Son Of a Bitch"

Father replies, "Why did you do that?"
"Well he grabbed my arm..."
"Like this?" Said the father grabbing her arm....
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he grabbed my breasts!"
"Like this?" said the father feeling her breasts.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a bitch"

"But he took off my clothes!!"
"Like this?" Said the father stripping her naked.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he stuck his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!"
"Like this?" Said the father demonstrating.....

----5 MINUTES LATER-----
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"
"But he has AIDs!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"



ahhh, I can never forget it.

lol thats good,i loved to tell that to my devout catholic auntie

 

[rpgprog]

wats tunafish + tunafish

Spoiler

FOURnafish

 

[Edcrab]

Can't think of my own favourite- so here's my insane aunt's favourite!


Woman walks into a vet's surgery holding a clearly dead duck. She explains that she doesn't know what's wrong with her duck, and begs him to examine it.

The vet nods and she deposits it on the table- he looks it over and tells her that he's very sorry, but that her duck is dead.

"What?" she cries, "you can't just look a my duck and tell me he's dead!"

"Very well," the vet agrees.

He claps his hands and a Labrador comes into the room. The dog tilts his head towards the duck, has a good long sniff, and then shakes his head and walks out.

The vet clicks his fingers, and a young cat slinks into the room. She leaps onto the table, and begins pawing the duck. Eventually, she stops, shakes her head, and walks out.

"I'm sorry, but your duck is most definitely dead," he tells her.

The woman accepts the horrible truth. "How much do I owe you?"

"£365."

"What?! Just for telling me my duck's dead?!"

"Well, if you'd believed my diagnosis, it would have just been £15. But what with the cat scan, and the Lab report..."

 

[Mattigus]

see my sig

 

[Qwert93]

Once, a french man went to see a doctor. He said," Big Boss, no fart." the doctor told him to tell his boss to eat beans for a week.

One week later, the french man went to see the doctor again. He said, " Big boss, no fart." the doctor told him to tell his boss to eat beans for a month.

One month later, the french man went to see the doctor again. He said," Big boss, no fart." The angry doctor told him to tell his boss to eat beans for a YEAR.

One year later, the french man went to see the doctor again, looking very sad. The doctor asked him," What happened?" the man told him," Big fart, no boss."

 

[Bad^Hat]

I must post these in every one of these threads, but oh well.


A bit of bacon and a sausage are sitting in a fry pan. The sausage turns and says "getting pretty hot in here, eh?", to which the bacon replies, "holy crap, a talking sausage!"


Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Cause someone threw a fridge at him.


What do you get if you combine a knife, two bits of bread, butter and jam?

A jam sandwich with a knife in it (I made this one up ).

 

[jondy]

Pitiful, BH

There are these three beekeepers sitting in a bar, discussing their bee-to-hive ratios. The first beekeeper is in his element.

"After extensive research, I've concluded that running my hives at about 50,000:1 gives the best results."

The second beekeeper thinks this over.

"Actually, I keep 200,000 bees in four hives, so I'm running at a similar ratio myself. I've had fantastic honey yields this year."

The third beekeeper chips in, "I keep 1 million bees in one hive."

The first beekeeper looks shocked. "Isn't that somewhat cruel?"

"Nah, f*ck 'em"

 

[Anthraxxx]

What??? no dead baby jokes??? Pfft... fine!

What's red, white, and screams a lot?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt


What's more fun that throwing a dead baby off of a cliff?
Hitting it with a baseball bat!


What's more fun than hitting it with a baseball bat?
Catching it with a pitchfork!!

 

[Recoil]

Weren't you the guy who caused the last joke thread to be closed?

 

[Anthraxxx]

I dunno. Was I?

/me wonders

 

[Recoil]

Yeah, b/c of that baby jokes... ah well.

Here's my best: A balls rolls around a corner and falls.

...

...

pretty funny, eh?

 

[el Chi]

Pitiful, BH

There are these three beekeepers sitting in a bar, discussing their bee-to-hive ratios. The first beekeeper is in his element.

"After extensive research, I've concluded that running my hives at about 50,000:1 gives the best results."

The second beekeeper thinks this over.

"Actually, I keep 200,000 bees in four hives, so I'm running at a similar ratio myself. I've had fantastic honey yields this year."

The third beekeeper chips in, "I keep 1 million bees in one hive."

The first beekeeper looks shocked. "Isn't that somewhat cruel?"

"Nah, f*ck 'em"

That shouldn't be funny but it is Bravo.

This joke's a bit odd - you have to ave a slightly "acquired" sense of humour, so I reckon lots of people won't find it funny, but bollocks to y'as.


A really drunk man stumbles out of a pub all rowdy and sees a nun across the road. So he goes up to her and starts shouting at her and generally acting abusive.

He starts to walk off, but then smacks her in the face. She falls over and he punches her a few times whilst she's still on the floor.

He starts to walk off again, but then comes back and kicks her on the floor a few times.

He starts to walk off again, but then comes back, spits on her. He points down at her and shouts:

"HA! Not so tough now, Batman!"

 

[rpgprog]

That shouldn't be funny but it is Bravo.

This joke's a bit odd - you have to ave a slightly "acquired" sense of humour, so I reckon lots of people won't find it funny, but bollocks to y'as.


A really drunk man stumbles out of a pub all rowdy and sees a nun across the road. So he goes up to her and starts shouting at her and generally acting abusive.

He starts to walk off, but then smacks her in the face. She falls over and he punches her a few times whilst she's still on the floor.

He starts to walk off again, but then comes back and kicks her on the floor a few times.

He starts to walk off again, but then comes back, spits on her. He points down at her and shouts:

"HA! Not so tough now, Batman!"

that is very funny, kinda cruel but still amusing

 

[Ennui]

"HA! Not so tough now, Batman!"

lmao, that's great. if a bit mean.

 

[Bad^Hat]

"Nah, f*ck 'em"

Hahaha, that was great.

"HA! Not so tough now, Batman!"

Oh, that was just class

Here's another groaner -

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyers", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the nonnegotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being nonnegotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (Receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (Light Bulb).

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

 

[Danimal]

Try telling that one at a party, Shens.

 

[CREMATOR666]

I dont tell jokes, I laugh at them

 

[SimonomiS]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar, the bartender goes; "Whats this some kind of joke?"
*holds up "LAUGH" card to the audience*

 

[ship]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



















































































Because he was dead.

 

[evil^milk]

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl
Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.


sorry... i just find these really funny

 

[Danimal]

'Yo mama is so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil
'Yo mama is so stupid that she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death
'Yo mama is so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone
'Yo mama is so stupid she gets hit by parked cars.