Remember The Alamo!!!

X-FacToR

X-FacToR

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There were four men on a plane: a British man, a French man, a Texan, and a Mexican.

The pilot warned them that the plane was about to crash and that if the other three jumped out, one person would survive.

So the British man says "Long live the Queen!" and jumped. This pumped up the French man so he says "Vive la France" and jumps. This really pumps up the Texan and he says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out the Mexican guy.
 
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

'Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?' asked the doctor.

'Sure, after the police leave,' replied the attorney.
 
X-FacToR said:
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

'Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?' asked the doctor.

'Sure, after the police leave,' replied the attorney.
Click to expand...

lol, very good!
 
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, 'Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.'

'That is very kind of you,' said the doctor emotionally, and then added,

'Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change


Feal free to post jokes you think are funny you have found or made up etc.
 
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife
for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. "We
even called
up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,! "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the jar open!"

Why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated aarrgh!
 
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank, shortly after midnight their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!!"
 
A guy walks in a bar and says 'last night I got so drunk that I blew chunks' and the bartender says thats nothing the other day a guy told me he got so drunk he crashed his car, got in a fight with his wife, and bumped a candle and burnt down his house. Then the man says no you don't understand chunks is my dog!


LMFAO took me a minute to get that one.
 
A penguin was driving down the road when his car broke down. He took the car to the garage and while he was waiting he went and got some ice cream. The poor little penguin got the ice cream all over his beak. When he went too get his car the repair man said 'What happened, it looks like you blew a seal.
 
lol all of those are quite funny. u could just put them allin 1 post tho
 
An old man was riding on a city bus. The bus stopped at a regular stop along its route. A young punk-rocker got on and sat down across from the old man. The punker had the usual SPIKED, MULTI-COLOR hair, along with dangling feathered earrings. The punker noticed that the old man was staring at him, and finally became disgusted and said, 'Old man, what in the bloody hell are you staring at? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young and full of life like me?' The old man replies, 'Yes, I once screwed a parrot. I was trying to find if you might be my son!'

Corny maybe, made me laugh.

Two potatos are standing on a street corner. How do you tell which one is the prostitute? Answer: The one with the sticker that says IDAHO.

What do you get when you cross PMS with ESP? A bitch who knows everything!

This lady walks into a bar. She says to the bartender 'Bartunner, give me a martunny.' So he gives her one. She drinks that down and ask for another. He gives her one and she drinks that one. Well, about an hour later she sittin' there and she says 'Bartunner, boy do I have heart burn.' By then he's getting fed up with her. 'Lady, first of all it's not a martunny, it's a martini. I'm not bartunner, I'm bartender. And you don't have heartburn. Your boob is in the ashtray!

Women are evil!

An old farmer married a young girl. He worked so hard on his farm that the poor fellow had no energy left for his wife. After some time passed his wife told him that what he was doing to her wasn't fair ignore her way he did and that he should go to the doctor for some help. He went to his doctor and told him that he was so tired from working during the day that he had nothing left for his wife at night. The doc told him why don't you try going home early in the day. The farmer said that he had tried that but by the time he walked home he was too tired to do anything. The doc said then try this take a shotgun with you when you leave in the morning and when you get the feeling fire a shot up in the air. Tell your wife when she hears the shot to run out to meet you in the field and do it there. So he thanks the Doc and leaves. Two weeks later he's walking in town and the Doc sees him. He say's hey farmer Brown how did my idea work out for you. The farmer says Doc for the first week it was great but then hunting season started and I haven't seen her since.
 
Short but sweet...

A guy walks into a store.
He buys potato chips, icecream and cigarettes.
The cashier, a pretty girl, smiles and asks him; "You're single, right?"
The guy says; "Yeah, how did you know?"
The girl says;

"Because you're so god damn ugly!"


:)
 
A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs
to shift. She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she
asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible
explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The
little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold
flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath,
and loudly exclaims,



"Just what I thought . Dual exhaust."
 
Shuzer said:
A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs
to shift. She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she
asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible
explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The
little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold
flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath,
and loudly exclaims,



"Just what I thought . Dual exhaust."
Click to expand...

............ lmao
 
What did the mom say to michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me but you're in my son."
 
Man I got some crazy gass today, im like a fart machine (energizer bunny style) must be the beer...
 
Remember that Michael Jackson flash game? Man that was great fun.
 
X-FacToR said:
I didnt get to play that. (hopefully it was sick and wrong)
Click to expand...

You had a net gun, and the little boys tried to get off your ranch.. lol
 
knock knock

Who's there?

Little boy blue.

little boy blue who?

little boy blue michael jackson...

(yes i know its spelled different)
 
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
 
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
 
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
 
Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.
 
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom Mark as unread


1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
 
oh yeah. oops. I copied and pasted these jokes from funny.com.....
 
I know one about public bathrooms:

A guy walks in a public restroom of a gasstation. He has to take a shit real bad and quickly sits down on the toilet.
While he's sitting there the guy from the toilet next to him suddenly says "Hi, how are you doing sweety?"
He thinks by himself "well that's certainly odd, this idiot starts talking to me while we're on the toilet, better not upset this freak" and he replies with "Err... hi yeah I'm doing fine, I've been eating some beans last night, but it's going alright"
Then the guy nextdoor goes "Any plans for this afternoon?" and he thinks by himself "I gotta get out of here as soon as possible" and he replies with "no not really, I'm visiting my parents later on this afternoon.".
The he asked "Do you wanna come over at my house tonight?" the guy thinks by himself "Ok this is it, I'm outta here" and he says "No rather not, thank you" and while he wipes his ass and zips up pants he hears the guy nex to him say: "Alright honey, I've gotta hang up now, some weird moron next to me keeps talking to me."

Another one:
A guy comes home from work and he finds his girlfriend packing up her suitcase and she's about to leave. He asks her "What's this all about?" and she shouts "I'm leaving you, I've just found out you're a pedophile!"
The guy says "Ooo big words for a 7-year old!"
 
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!'

'How did you know?' he asks.

'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
-------------------
You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?'.

'Absolutely! What's the second question?'
------------------
Three men die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, the guard who let's people into heaven tells them that what kind of car they drive into heaven will depend on how many times they cheated on their wives. The first man is asked: 'How many times have you cheated on your wife?' He answers: 'Never.' The guard says: 'Then you will get to drive a Ferrari into heaven.' The second guy is asked: 'How many times have you cheated on your wife?' He replies: 'I have cheated on my wife two times.' The guard says: 'That's okay, you're forgiven. You get to drive a Volvo into heaven. The third guy is asked: 'How many times have you cheated on your wife?' He admits: 'I've cheated on my wife five times.' The guard says: 'That's okay, you're forgiven. You will drive a station wagon into heaven.' The next day, the guard sees the third guy sitting by the station wagon crying. He goes up to him and says: 'It's okay, you're forgiven, don't worry about the station wagon.' He replies: 'It's not that! I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!'
------------------
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though,

So Peter had to tell the first one, 'Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?'

The first man replies: 'Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding'.

And he continues, Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off, and my wife was quiet. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay, and my wife still looked quiet and cool.

'I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. This time my wife got mad and killed me with a fork.'

'That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,' said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter asks for his story.

'It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.'

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

'Picture this,' says the third man, 'I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...'
----------------

Last one takes a second
 
A cruise boat sank and there were only seven survivors, 6 men and 1 woman. The stranded on an island. After a few days, the men couldn't take it anymore, and decided that each day, one of the guys could have sex with the woman and sunday was a resting day. This went okay for a couple of weeks, but then the woman died.
The first week the men were alright, so were they the second week, the third week was almost unbearable and after the fourth week they decided to bury the woman...

The masochist against the sadist: 'Hit me! Hit me!'
The sadist: 'No!'
 
I prefer the version

The saddist said to the masochist "Im gonna take this paddle and smack you, then im gonna tie you up and hit you some more.
The masochist replied "Really?!"
The sadist then said "No..."
 
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