Science Jokes

[TheSomeone]

Principal Heisenberg once said that if you know where you are that you don't know where you're going, and vice versa. This explains how people get lost.

Schrodinger said that if you put a cat into a box sealed so tight that you cannot observe anything inside of it, and leave it in there long enough, that the cat will die.

Issac Newton's law states that once apples reach a certain age, they fall off of tree branches. This theory that things fall due to their age is backed up by the fact that its mostly old people who fall and can't get up.

Lastly, my friend who is really into logic, says that you cannot both pee and not pee at the same time. I would agree with this, as I don't even see how it's possible.

Einstein said that the faster you go, the more time slows down. This explains how people falling off of cliffs can see their life flash before their eyes.

This thread is about discussing laws and theories such as these.

 

[Razor]

With a topic title of two words, you seemed to of missed the definition of both words in the thread, this means i officially declare this thread mislabeled due to the following reasons:

1. There is no science in it.
2. There are no jokes in it.

 

[TheSomeone]

1. I made references to several scientific experiments in my post.
2. If you can't see the humor you either just skimmed the first two lines or have no sense of humor.

 

[bliink]

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street, the first atom turns to the second in a panic.
"I think I just lost an electron!!" it shouts
"Are you sure??" the second replies
"I'm positive!"

 

[bbson john]

The Principal Heisenberg, it is the velocity, not simply where you are goin'. (Velocity contains direction, tho.)
That's not the point of Schrödinger (or preferably, oe) cat. The point of it is that you DON'T know whether the cat is dead or not, FOOL!

 

[Dumb Dude]

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street, the first atom turns to the second in a panic.
"I think I just lost an electron!!" it shouts
"Are you sure??" the second replies
"I'm positive!"

 

[Raxxman]

If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.

 

[Hectic Glenn]

Complete the ionic half equations for the following reaction!

Fe + Cr2O7 --> FeCr2O7

Yeah it's not a joke is it...

 

[bbson john]

"Fluoride ion, can you tell me what is your charge?"
"Negative"

That's stupid...

 

[Solaris]

:|

"Fluoride ion, can you tell me what is your charge?"
"Negative"

That's stupid...

 

[Murray_H]

Hey look, my body is riddled with cancer!

Science will save you!

RIP

WHAT A JOKE!

 

[jondy]

Hey look, my body is riddled with cancer!

Science will save you!

RIP

WHAT A JOKE!

LOL

 

[99.vikram]

It's not exactly a science joke, but to save this thread -

Husband : ( Returning late from work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love your computer more than me, or are you trying to be funny?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : I made a grave mistake marrying an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : Did you get your your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was the woman in the car with you this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot

 

[Murray_H]

It's not exactly a science joke, but to save this thread -

Husband : ( Returning late from work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love your computer more than me, or are you trying to be funny?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : I made a grave mistake marrying an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : Did you get your your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was the woman in the car with you this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot

It's not exactly a joke either.....:dork:

 

[99.vikram]

Okay, here's a joke about science...

One day in heaven all the famous scientists decide to play hide-and-seek. Everyone goes and hides somewhere except Newton, who draws a square on the floor and sits inside it.
When Einstein finishes counting he turns around to see Newton, who refuses to accept that he has been caught. He says angrily, pointing at the square on the floor, "I'm Newton per metre square. That makes me Pascal."

I've read many variants of this one.

 

[The Brick]

0.999... = 1 OLOLOLOL


And rofl @ bliink

 

[Dekstar]

"Dave, what do you think of the process whereby heavy molecules of naphtha or petroleum are broken down into hydrocarbons of lower molecular weight?"
"Crackin'!"

 

[JNightshade]

What's better than swinging a baby around on a clothesline?
Stopping it with a shovel.


Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "Dead Baby", not "Science".

 

[kirovman]

There's nothing funny about Science.

 

[TheSomeone]

The Principal Heisenberg, it is the velocity, not simply where you are goin'. (Velocity contains direction, tho.)
That's not the point of Schrödinger (or preferably, oe) cat. The point of it is that you DON'T know whether the cat is dead or not, FOOL!

Somebody didn't get the jokes.

 

[Beerdude26]

Okay, here's a joke about science...

One day in heaven all the famous scientists decide to play hide-and-seek. Everyone goes and hides somewhere except Newton, who draws a square on the floor and sits inside it.
When Einstein finishes counting he turns around to see Newton, who refuses to accept that he has been caught. He says angrily, pointing at the square on the floor, "I'm Newton per metre square. That makes me Pascal."

I've read many variants of this one.

HAHAHAHAHA BEST JOKE EVER XD

 

[kirovman]

I heard that the Earth is not flat, and that the concept of a geocentric universe is flawed.

LOL

 

[Raeven0]

This thread is not funny.

How about a lawyer joke? Political science!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by
Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by
Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India
by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as
I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and
God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to
before the beginning of time, the world, as we know it AND the FHA. I hope
you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.

 

[xombine]

What's better than swinging a baby around on a clothesline?
Stopping it with a shovel.


Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "Dead Baby", not "Science".

LOL

What's the difference between a bucket of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

 

[Greatgat]

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who get it and those who don't.

 

[JNightshade]

It's those who get BINARY, noob

 

[Greatgat]

It's those who get BINARY, noob

That would be a rather key part of the joke, wouldn't it? Well, for reasons for which I choose not to share, I've only had four hours of sleep in the last two days. I'm tired, stressed, and can live with the shame of ****ing up a one line joke. So there.

 

[Link]

His way works. Say it to a group, and there will always be one who says "I don't get it..."

 

[Greatgat]

Yar. And sorry for being a bit waspish in my reply, JNightshade. I've been having a rough month.

 

[Dalamari]

Science Jokes

No.

 

[Ravioli]

"isnt it nice here in the forest billy?"

"no mom, there is so many trees in the way!"

well not really science, maybe Earth Science.

 

[TheSomeone]

Lol here is a good science joke:

You're doing it on purpose. I dont see how you can not understand it never reaches one.

I could keep doing it forever-it never reaches one

.99999999999999999999... goes on forever with 9's.

No you never reach it- like you said there's an infinite amount. Because of this it is NOT one.

.9999999-- goes on forever. It never reaches one.

Nope you need to stay in school apparantly
.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999

Goes on forever. How ever many 9's you can think of it's never one. It's smaller than one.

I proved it via common sense. You're stuck thinking within an inefficient set out of boundaries. Look at it yourself and realize .999... repeating NEVER REACHES ONE.

IT NEVER REACHES 1

I must applaud how many times he was able to reword the same thing.

 

[Murray_H]

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I get my results in a few hours

I'm doing a skience degree

I'm scared

Lol

 

[TheSomeone]

skience?

 

[Murray_H]

like science, but kooler

 

[MorganFreeman911]

Precicely.

 

[Feath]

Think of this as a Computer Science joke:

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.

 

[Raeven0]

This one involves engineering, chemistry, and mathematics.

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel.

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

 

[TheSomeone]

This one involves engineering, chemistry, and mathematics.

LOL! I liked that one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 

[99.vikram]

Ths one made me LOL.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a formal gathering, where the hostess approached him and and asked, "Would you mind telling me how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

And this one's a little sexist, but whatever -

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer a day each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.