Some lyrics I wrote.

[McGooTheWise]

I guess this is the place to post this... I regularly write lyrics, but I like these the most.

I call it "Look."


Though I try
With every fiber of me
I cannot find
That which I seek
Start to cry
Feel so below me
Dry your eyes
There more to see

Walls painted red
With blood I have spilled
Lost inside my head
The ones I killed
Bang on the wall
Of the cage they're in
Destroy myself
So they may live

And yet she
She glares
As the room
Turns to stare

Force a feeling
Not necessary
Force my love
Not healthy

Dry your eyes
You've done nothing wrong
Looked to the sky
Feeling strong
Can walk again
And let it feel right
That I still breath
That I won't die

Yet she
She glares
For wanting
To be taken there

Force a feeling
Not helpful
Force my anger
So hateful

Try again
I'll try again
One more
Try again




By the way, my lyrics don't reflect anything in my life. I see someone else's life and write how I'd feel about it as if it were my own.

 

[Sledgehammer]

By the way, my lyrics don't reflect anything in my life.

This is incorrect. You cannot possibly write lyrics without taking any inspiration from your own life (and if you can, I bloody admire you). Sure, it may only be a very small amount of inspiration that's actually from your own life, but it'll always be that way.

Nice lyrics by the way. I like the imagery, even if it's a little hard to grasp.

Some criticism:
Choruses feel very out of place in poems (this is not really criticism, it's more the fact that I'm not a big fan of choruses).
The rhyming is old. Sometimes it looks like you sacrifice the (seemingly interesting) story to be able to make a rhyme. Sometimes it works very cleverly, sometimes, not so much.

I see someone else's life and write how I'd feel about it as if it were my own.

Yeah, from my experiences, the first-person narrator is by far the most powerful narrative (you won't see much of my writing though, as it's mostly in Danish).

 

[McGooTheWise]

I agree completely on everything you said. But I just try to beat it to death till i get it right, which has worked well so far.

Well, the first part you quoted was a bit of an exaggeration, like I said, I put myself in that place, and i guess based on my experiences this is how I'd feel about it.

What is a part that lacks the punch, though, like you were talking about?

 

[Tyguy]

i'm going to freestyle some lyrics...

i pinched a loaf
of this i sworn
as i took an oath
to reveal any corn

texture is ripe
and the shape is round
my lyrics are trite
but my poo is brown

(chorus)
i do not lie
take this as word
for i am but a pawn
in a world meant for a turd

i do not bellow
nor instigate
i simply allow
myself to defecate

(back to verse)
i break out in sweats
and my hart will race
as my friend emerges
at an incredible pace

until it's out
my strength will continue
no cause is as righteous
then that which is in you

 

[Dog--]

I poo'd.

 

[Zephos]

i'm going to freestyle some lyrics...

i pinched a loaf
of this i sworn
as i took an oath
to reveal any corn

texture is ripe
and the shape is round
my lyrics are trite
but my poo is brown

(chorus)
i do not lie
take this as word
for i am but a pawn
in a world meant for a turd

i do not bellow
nor instigate
i simply allow
myself to defecate

(back to verse)
i break out in sweats
and my hart will race
as my friend emerges
at an incredible pace

until it's out
my strength will continue
no cause is as righteous
then that which is in you

Beautiful.

 

[jondy]

oh shit, i cried

almost as good as cupcakes of doom