Struggling with poem

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BF2slut

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I was wondering if I could get some advice, i'm having a terrible time with this poem i'm trying to write. I've spent 3 hours and came up with 3 terrible stanza's. It's not for an assignment, i'm aware it's bad.
 
writting poetry is easy when you ignore pace, meter, and rhyme :D
 
you forgot the part where you slit your wrists
 
Literature counts as Art so stick it in the Art forums :D

-Angry Lawyer
 
We'll be shunned there D:

Your poem isn't really bad BF, just kind of...generic. Use different nouns and adjectives. Be metaphorical. Compare her to something....insert sociopolitical commentary....
 
Are you writing this for someone? You might want to drop that "I don't want in your pants bit" it sounds awful, like you're writing a jolly little rhyme for a valentine's day card or something. That second stanza needs some reworking.

First stanza's fine I guess. I like the last one, but the 'frequently' is a bit long and makes the line kind of clumsy. 'Beautiful silky hair' is also kind of cliche,but I suppose it could still stand if you can't think of anything. Something along the lines of the 'rain in your lips' bit which is cool.

I hope it helps you get in her pants (which you don't want in)
 
http://www.rhymezone.com/

That's all you need really. If you're trying to make it rhyme that is.
Otherwise I suggest you get down what you want in just short sentences (so you have just the meaning of the poem infront of you and what you're conveying), then grab a thesaurus or look online for one, and start altering.

Uuuhm, like DeusEx said. Don't be cliche with stuff if you really want to make an impact. I tried writing a praise poem once and they are the most annoying things to write if you don't know what you're doing.

Buh I'm rambling a bit. I have a couple of poems I wrote for Valentines day. If you want some inspiration I could PM you them.
 
Nat Turner said:
lol, then it ceases to be poetry and becomes prose.
Click to expand...
God I hate non-rhyming poetry. If it doesn't rhyme then it's just a prose sentence describing something. NOT POETRY.

Ahem, ventage.

EDIT: BF2Slut it wasn't bad for a first attempt. Have you written any before?
 
DeusExMachinia said:
I mostly write non-rhyming poetry :(.
Click to expand...
Sorry I just have a thing about it. Have so much trouble writing it.
 
Non-rhyming poetry can be great. I think it often cheapens the sentiment to tie something into a meter which makes it sound forced and unnatural, and chuck in rhymes which are just there for the sake of being there...'because it's a poem'.
 
dekstar said:
Sorry I just have a thing about it. Have so much trouble writing it.
Click to expand...


It's cool. I can't stand people who write 2nd person stories. They're so annoying D:
 
DeusExMachinia said:
It's cool. I can't stand people who write 2nd person stories. They're so annoying D:
Click to expand...
You mean like: "So then you walk into a room and there were a billion soldiers waiting to take your virginity" ?
Yeah that sounds sucky.
 
That and "John walks to the bar. He see's Janice. Janice proceeds to perform fell..." you get it. Stuff like that.
 
Here, just use this peom I wrote in 6th grade:

*ahem*

There once was a man named Dick Ryder,
Who's undies got tighter and tighter.
His crotch hurt like hell,
'Twas making him yell,
So he burned off his balls with a lighter.

:D
 
Laivasse said:
Non-rhyming poetry can be great. I think it often cheapens the sentiment to tie something into a meter which makes it sound forced and unnatural, and chuck in rhymes which are just there for the sake of being there...'because it's a poem'.
Click to expand...

That's why I tend not to like rhyming poetry :)
 
I started over and spent a couple hours, came up with this.. any better? What can I improve?

What the hell am I thinking?
Is this what I really want?
I feel like I’m sinking,
These feelings frequently haunt,
I could end up drinking.

Does she know?
Could it just be lust?
I find myself skid row
But these feelings aren’t unjust
I could end up snortin blow

Could I be setting myself up?
Does she see anything in me?
I’m just a young pup,
But my care isn’t free
Should I just speak up?
 
Bear in mind I'm totally not good at this:
First: axe that 'frequently'. Doesn't scan. Neither do lots of other bits.
Second: I don't think the rhythm of it works. Whether you did it on purpose or no, there's kind of a sense of rambling, rolling, very quick and breathless uneven progress - like when you start running down a hill and you go too fast and you can't stop. Which is pretty apt. Right idea but it isn't quite working and just seems slapdash.
Third: consider the connotations and sounds of the words you use. :O
 
I would cut off the last line of each part. For me, the last lines just sound totally out of place. Either that or you could snip the first lines instead, or maybe even add a 6th line.
 
does it have to be serious? just make up some random shizz, and make it rhyme.
 
BF2slut said:
I started over and spent a couple hours, came up with this.. any better? What can I improve?

What the hell am I thinking?
Is this what I really want?
I feel like I’m sinking,
These feelings frequently haunt,
I could end up drinking.

Does she know?
Could it just be lust?
I find myself skid row
But these feelings aren’t unjust
I could end up snortin blow

Could I be setting myself up?
Does she see anything in me?
I’m just a young pup,
But my care isn’t free
Should I just speak up?
Click to expand...
Change that one line and you're set. The rest seems pretty great, especially that last stanza! :)
 
BF2slut said:
I started over and spent a couple hours, came up with this.. any better? What can I improve?

What the hell am I thinking?
Is this what I really want?
I feel like I’m sinking,
These feelings frequently haunt,
I could end up drinking.

Does she know?
Could it just be lust?
I find myself skid row
But these feelings aren’t unjust
I could end up snortin blow

Could I be setting myself up?
Does she see anything in me?
I’m just a young pup,
But my care isn’t free
Should I just speak up?
Click to expand...

pup.jpg


You are hereby given the mental label of a small puppy. Whenever you post from this point on, I will visualize you as such.
 
I think it was better when it didn't rhyme. Depends who you're writing it for though.
 
OvA said:
pup.jpg


You are hereby given the mental label of a small puppy. Whenever you post from this point on, I will visualize you as such.
Click to expand...
...one that makes polls!
 
This any better? What else should be changed?

What the hell am I thinking?
Is this what I really want?
I feel like I’m sinking,
These feelings frequently haunt,
I could end up drinking.

Does she know?
Could it just be lust?
I find myself skid row,
But these feelings aren’t unjust,
I’ve reached a plateau.

Could I be setting myself up?
Does she see anything in me?
I’m just a young pup,
But my care isn’t free,
Should I just speak up?
 
Shameless plug! Woot... because murdering people never gets old.



There once was a time, when I was happy,
Sharing my days with my wife, my queen.
But today I found that she betrayed me,
And our love was no longer pristine.

I have given myself to this woman,
All that I know, and all which I can.
I stood by her side and loved her,
A love replaced easily by another man.

The pain and anguish I feel from this,
Is like that of knives driven deeply home,
Aimed at my chest and piercing the heart,
Plummeting me into the darkness I gloam.

Laughter echoes in my ears... I hear him.
Though I cannot see where he stands,
His taunts merged with the melodious voice,
Of the love he has snatched from my hands.

Together they mock me, whispering dirty tales,
Of the deeds they have done, and the pleasures,
Given and received, behind my ever faithful back,
And all the wonders of her now tainted treasures.

The louder growing voices tear at my soul,
When yet another voice rings out, calling,
Drawing me near to a large gloomy mansion,
Promising to bring to an end, their galling.

The large doors opened, expecting me,
Ushering me toward a flight of stairs.
My feet pattered up, crying heard above,
As I stood, whispering silent prayers.

Dark mists, clinging to the shape of a woman,
Dancing about, around the center of a room.
She faced opposite, and as I moved to turn her,
Her blank, expressionless face had been exhumed.

Staring back, was both nothing and everything,
Her skin was featureless, smooth and rounded.
Yet it resembled the faceless many who hurt me,
Not a care or expression, my heart they pounded.

Without a tongue or even a mouth, she spoke,
Her haunting voice informing me of a quest,
Which could cease the torment, ease my mind.
I must venture out, my love awaits my wrest.

Stumbling from the manor, striding across town,
I found my way towards her lover's house.
The door creaked open, allowing access within.
Clothes were strewn everywhere, pants and blouse.

Bursting through the bedroom at the back,
They gazed up at me in naked surprise.
My hand gripped her wrist, I lifted my foot,
And stomped down between his thighs.

Escorted roughly into the plant filled yard,
They stood huddling, eyes filled with hate.
For long moments I stood, just staring,
Contemplating their ultimate fate.

Forever they are together, yet surprisingly,
I feel joy in my heart that they are bound.
For now their voices no longer lingered about,
Their bodies lay in pieces, buried in the ground.
 
Feces.

Want a good poem? Go listen to "The Green Automobile" by Allen Ginsberg. It'll blow your mind.
 
Pfft. Listen to "Vincent" by Don McLean. It'll make you cry your heart out.

-Angry Lawyer
 
Don McLean, dear attorney?

And I thought you had such impeccable taste... :shakes head:
 
What the shens? HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE "VINCENT"?

You lose at life.

-Angry Lawyer
 
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