The Breen Egosystem

Max35

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Chapter 1: Truth in Silence

Rapid breathing, growing loader, it was becoming more deafening by the moment. All he remembered was a flash of light, and an instant ringing sound in his ears. Then the echoed, desperate breathing came, like the final breaths of a dying man being multiplied hundreds of times across the steep unforgiving walls of an endless canyon.

And then there was silence, not an eerie silence that might have yielded some danger, just dead air. “Silence, your most blatant fear”, a thought crept slowly into his mind. “So much of a hindrance to yourself that you addressed your people more often than problems would arise, you would rather hear your own hollow voice than the truth of silence all around you. Now, there is only separation from your kind. No lesser brethren to guide , no lost soul to shepherd. If your shriveled, mortal carcass could be called a soul”. The thoughts became more insidious, taking on dimensions of their own as they spoke to him.

Dr. Breen’s vision returned, but the images his eyes received were blurry and out of focus. But their context seemed to burn his eyes, like a newborn baby being exposed to a bright light. “You are born undone, witness all that you have foreseen and wished only then will you begin to know the truth.” Those images were filled with nostalgia and pain flashing by at light‘s speed, until one finally came into focus. He was moving much slower now, except that now he was seated in a coldly decorated interior of a tram that was creeping towards the darkness of expansive tunnels. Everything was starting to look familiar to him, almost instantly.

The dark, winding tunnels, trams creeping along on the lower level tracks. Even the man in the neatly pressed blue suit sitting across from him staring into nothingness, looked familiar. His mouth moved, but no sound came out. Another thought popped instantly into his mind. “Greetings, Dr. Breen”. A hollow echo of those words remained in his brain until he forced himself to answer.
 
thats really good and atmospheric, keep it up
 
Any other opinions on this?. Is this another dud like the others?, lol. Too boring perhaps?.
 
I like it, although it looks a little plain.

Just make more, my friend.
 
i like the originality of it. DR.Breen as the main charector, who would have thought of that.
 
Chapter 2: Patrons of Humanity

“Greetings”, Dr. Breen hesitated, not knowing the man’s real name. Hearing his own vocals startled him. Not another word passed between the two men, and when the tram slowed to a stop the blue-suited man stood up and silently walked away. When the door slid shut again, an automatic voice intoned “Now inbound for Sector D Administrative Offices and Control facilities”. As he neared the next stop, another voice could be heard overhead. “It has taken me a quite some time to realize that what we are doing, experimenting with teleportation and time alteration, is for the good of humanity. This is not some trivial pursuit by an impassive government, rolling the dice and hoping for a bettering of all the societal problems that plague the world”.

The voice took a brief pause and continued “This technology is the key that will unlock all the bounty that we as a people deserve. Perseverance is all that separates us from the bestial populace. For all of you at this moment, persevering for the good of all mankind, you are the true patrons of humanity. Remember, our divinity is caught only in that grey expanse of mystery. Once that mystery is solved we as a species have limitless potential.” Dr. Breen looked up as the speech repeated itself, or rather himself. The voice was his own, and strangely enough it was a philosophy he didn’t share at the moment.

The tram came sliding slowly to a stop, at a cavernous entry bathed in darkness. A large metallic walkway stretched out across the black expanse, leading to the unknown. “Hello, please make sure all administrative pass cards and identification measures are removed when you exit the tram, thank you,”. The automated voice spoke for one last time as Dr. Breen exited the tram. The door closed silently behind him. A security guard materialized from the shadows with a simple greeting. “Hello, Harold” was Dr. Breen’s simple reply.

Once inside the Administrative Offices, Dr. Breen instantly felt at home. The main lobby was dimly lit with small lamps scattered around the various tables and desks placed about the room. He approached the receptionist. “Good morning, Dr. Breen, the other Administrators are waiting for you in the main office. Dr. Breen nodded his assent and continued. Wondering why he was being forced to relive what he had set in motion so many years ago. He quickly traversed the dimly lit corridors, and once he reached the carpeted interiors of the main administrative building he let himself relax. As he approached the polished , mahogany door he paused and took a deep breath. Then he grasped and quickly turned the handle and stepped inside. There were three men standing there, two in lab coats, the other was the mysterious blue-suited man he had seen on the tram.

Also, here is the summary for the whole story if anyone cares to read it.






Summary:

“Egosystem” is a metaphor for Dr. Breen’s detrimental personality traits, subtly stating that one can’t exist without the other (like Ecosystem). After Breen’s travel to the alien world, he is enlightened by the “Combine Advisor” to alleviate his negative persona. Going through long-dormant memories, feelings of fatality, and uncontrollable narcissistic fantasies, Dr. Breen is finally enlightened and assumes otherworldly knowledge.
 
Wow.

Your writing style is quite original, but a bit taxing on the eyes. I quite like it, atmospheric and stuff...
 
Thanks for your comments, Jintor. And if I may ask, what do you mean its a bit taxing on the eyes?. Don't worry, I'd rather know than keep on doing what I'm doing. Oh, and I'm going to try and work on Chapter 3 today, might even have it posted.
 
It looks to me like you're writing all those paragraphs each in one breath. Somehow. I dunno...
 
A nice angle to take; a strong sense of mystery and some very good use of metaphor. But somehow- even though I can't quite place it- I'd agree with Jintor that there's an almost hurried quality to it, but I'm not sure whether that's a positive or negative thing- it may just be because the chapters seem so short.

Either way it's definitely a good start to what I'm sure will be a lengthy and interesting fanfic :D
 
Chapter 3: The First Epiphany

“Its good to see you, old friend”, one of the scientists, with partially graying hair and dark brown skin said, standing up and shaking Dr. Breen’s hand. “You as well, Dr. Markhus. Come let us discuss these matters quickly”, Dr. Breen replied. “Certainly, Dr. Breen I would like you to meet Dr. Jerold Mason, he has been overseeing the experiments in the Anomalous Materials lab, he has some interesting things to tell you”, the scientist continued.

“Well, I’m not sure interesting would be the correct word Terrance, rather baffling. Anyway, yesterday we were conducting a normal teleportation exercise using the crystals we found on the Border World Xen. Our research associate Gordon Freeman was our guinea pig for the duration of the experiment. While he was between the teleportation gaps, he witnessed some….perceptual distortions during the trip.” “He hallucinated?”, Dr. Breen asked, baffled. “One could say, although that hasn’t been proven”, the blue suited man spoke up, obviously weary of the conversation.

“Perhaps Dr. Freeman’s account of the events should be taken more seriously. We are, after all, dealing with the effects of teleportation, and the aftermath of time alteration as well”, Dr. Breen stated cautiously. “We’ll soon see, a follow up experiment will be taking place tomorrow, bright and early”, Dr. Mason said, standing up. “Yes, we will have our definitive answers tomorrow, wouldn’t you agree Doctor?”, the blue suited man asked, his tone partially stoic, but it carried a note of sarcasm that he instantly picked up. Dr. Breen simply nodded.

That night Dr. Breen lay paralyzed in his quarters. Something was holding him down, it had something to do with his inability to free himself from the previously dormant nostalgia that was trapping him. But there was something else, something more ephemeral forcing him to not move. Forcing him to contemplate on his past actions, and compelling him to wander down the dark road of consequence and alteration. He already knew what he was going to do tomorrow. Dr. Breen eventually nodded off to sleep, only to awake a few hours later to the dull, soft green glow that was being emanated by the lamp on his nightstand. Pale grey walls greeted his hungry eyes.

Dr. Breen quickly readied himself and boarded the tram. The dark tunnels that took him down to the Anomalous Materials lab looked as dismal and despairing as before, but at that moment he wasn’t concentrating on them, or any visceral stimulation for that matter. After exiting the tram he numbly made his way to the anteroom overlooking the cavernous test chamber. The small window provided made it seem to him that he was gazing out a submarine into a sea of dilapidated orange that, when one looked up, eventually dissipated into nothingness.

A few scientists greeted him, and Dr. Breen responded in kind. He waited patiently for Gordon Freeman to arrive in the test chamber, wearing the dark orange HEV suit that had quickly become a staple for low-lying research associates. But, after the experiment took place, he knew Gordon Freeman would be nothing close to anonymous. So, he would have to stop the experiment from happening at all. When Gordon Freeman finally arrived, it took several minutes for the specimen to appear, rising up from a lower level. He was readying himself, his fidgeting gloves betraying his nervousness but he was stoic in the eyes.

Dr. Breen quickly took action. Moving to the computer station near the window, he pressed several buttons and spoke into the speaker. “Dr. Freeman, this is Administrator Wallace Breen, I am ordering you to step away from the platform and abandon the specimen, I repeat leave the specimen where it stands”.

Dr. Breen made his way down to the ground level of the test chamber, he walked through the entrance of the chamber, gazing into the eyes of the man who had destroyed and saved the lives of many. But he never got a chance to speak with him, a howling sound like a strong wind filled his ears, and his vision grew dimmer by the second until he was lost in darkness.

“Ah, you have reached your first Epiphany. You have finally realized that your actions on that day, however an indirect role, were flawed and carried along by an ocean of Narcissism we must address soon. You alone thought you could direct the fate of humanity. There is potential in your form, but alone and unenlightened you are nothing. Enlighten you I will, and once this is done, you will be more than willing to except your fate”, the thoughts invaded his mind again but he didn’t try to fight them as before. Soon silence reigned again, and he felt his own thoughts scatter and lose their identity, it frightened him but in the end the central nugget of his mind was torn apart and he surrendered to a type of unconsciousness that could only be described as inhuman.



Oh, and thanks for the comments Edcrab, strangely enough I already know how it is going to end.
 
Any comments on Chapter 3?. Does it suck a**, or is it moderately readable?
 
yes, dually noted, but other than that how is the story coming?
 
Yes, I'd have agreed that chapter length was an issue- number three was a half-decent length but they do seem rather short as installments go. Then again I'm hardly qualified to comment :x

As for the story itself, I'll admit I found it somewhat confusing at first- but the direction you're taking is far more defined now, and I like your approach to Breen's inner turmoil :D
 
Chapter 4: Your Old Friend Narcissism

Dr. Breen regained his weary consciousness atop a crumbled roof that gave him an excellent view of the pale blue horizon stretching out infinitely. He sat up slowly and went to the edge of the building. The narrow, winding streets and run-down plazas gave him an instant identification of his surroundings. City 14. It was a city he rarely visited, an uncouth slum whose inhabitants seemed to be as useless as the crumbling streets they tread upon. The only redeeming quality of the city was that the residents revered him. They were safe and content in their roles, and did nothing all day but sit on the dilapidated benches scattered around the various plazas and listen to the many Breencasts specifically preformed for the inhabitants of this city alone.

It was in this place that he felt more above everyone else, and it was here that the elevated sense of self began. He was sure that “The Voice” in his head had resurrected this specific place for a reason, just like Black Mesa. Without another thought he made his way down to the inside of the building. He was greeted with a dim, enclosed space that must have been reserved as a residential complex. Dr. Breen had provided for his citizens well, he thought, even in this dismal place. He went past several half-closed doors and ignored the murmurs and whispers of a populace that had nothing left, no sense of purpose, only a sense of safety and continuity. At least he had offered them contentment, he thought to himself. There were few places in the pre-Combine world that had given such a sentiment.

Descending a winding staircase, he was faced with a cavernous lobby, with a few civilians sitting on overstuffed couches and other furniture that had seen better days. There was something about this area that had a melancholy air about it. There was a stench of rot and mildew, as if the people themselves were emitting that undesirable smell because of their stagnancy and inaction. Dr. Breen approached a young man that seemed to be in his mid-twenties. He was a handsome man with pale, blue eyes and chiseled facial features. Even though his eyes were harsh and penetrating they were destitute and lacked purpose.. He frankly sat down next to the man, and gave him a brief smile. The man returned the gesture politely but uncertainly. “Do you know who I am, young man?”, Dr. Breen asked lightly. “Of course, your Dr. Breen you saved us from….well, something worse than this place”, the man responded, giving Breen an almost defiant stare.

“And are you truly content here?, is there something that arouses your interests?” “I-I’m not supposed to answer that”, the man asked this time looking down at his lap. “Don’t be afraid to answer me”, Dr. Breen said, but the man refused to speak about it. “Come, lets take a walk, we both could use a little exercise. This won’t be anything like the Routine Fitness Tests the Civil Protection officers force upon you. You are free to roam here you wish”. The young man got up and followed Breen out of the lobby and into the main plaza of the city, which was rather wide and boasted large buildings on either side. “What’s your name?”, Dr. Breen asked the man. “#1234235”, the man responded. “No, I mean your real name, what were you called before your identity was lost”. “Jason”, the man said after some hesitation. Dr. Breen grunted his acknowledgement.

The young man seemed distracted, instead focusing his attention on the buildings, he seemed to study their curves and their impressive heights with immaculate detail that most would ignore. Dr. Breen turned to face Jason. “Impressive aren’t they, the buildings, this is the most architecturally endowed part of the city, but City 17 boasts even more spectacular sights, if you look at the right places and look hard enough”. “I’m not allowed to relocated for another six months”, Jason replied, a downtrodden tone in his voice as if he had already contemplated the decision.

Dr. Breen was slightly moved by Jason’s inner ambition. It must be hard for a man who loves to create and build to live in a world that is destitute and is constantly being stripped away, he thought. For just a moment, something pierced his inflated sense of self, and he wondered what was the point anymore before his mind settled itself again. When they came to a fork in the street, Jason instinctively went down the right path before drawing back. “It’s alright, as I said, you can go anywhere you choose”, Dr. Breen reassured. They eventually came to what was once a park, some of the beauty remained . Many trees gave much appreciated shade to the area. Jason went to a bench and sat down “tired”, he murmured. But, he seemed to be looking for someone, rather than concentrating on the architectural sights of the area.

Almost a half an hour went by then he saw Jason straighten his posture . He seemed to grow more nervous as the moments passed, then he followed his gaze. There was a women sitting on a bench just a few feet away from theirs. She seemed to be about Jason’s age, maybe slightly younger. An attractive women, with long blonde hair and a slender physique. Jason glanced at her every few seconds, and she would respond in kind. “Would you like to speak with her?”, Dr. Breen asked. “Uh-I”, Jason stuttered. “Don’t worry, Civil Protection won’t interfere, you have my word”. Jason got up uncertainly and sat next to the women. She was about to move away, but Jason gestured towards Breen and she sat back down, uncertainly. They started to talk their natural flirtation suppressed through years of practice. Eventually though, they both began to smile, such happiness in such a dismal place seemed to draw the attention of Civil Protection, and an officer closed in on them. But Breen stood up hastily, and gestured the officer away. He nodded and turned around, strolling in the opposite direction.

Soon enough they stood up and the women walked away, while Jason approached Dr. Breen.. “Um, thanks”, Jason said appreciatively. “Let’s go back to the residential complex for now, I need to rest”, Dr. Breen answered. “Shouldn’t you be-”, Jason started but halted himself. “I think it would be best if I slept the way my citizens did, for tonight”, Breen replied. “Well, okay but I don’t think you’ll like it at all”, Jason remarked. “I appreciate your honesty”, was Breen’s simple reply. The two of them walked back to the residential complex in silence. Before leaving the park, Jason looked back one last time. Breen left the man to his private anguish.

The streets were less crowded now and any Civil Protection officers milling around were resting in the shade of the larger buildings and the sparse shadows offered by skeletal trees. When they reached the depressing darkness of the interior of the tenements, Jason said a quick word to Dr. Breen and hurried up the steps. It seemed to Breen that Jason was in far more turmoil than before he had talked to the women. Understandable in a way, given that he had just given a man a taste of something he could never have. He didn’t dwell on the thought long, it would only lead to further anxiety. That night he took the room next to Jason’s. It was completely silent for some time, and Breen lay sprawled out on a sunken mattress staring up at the dusty ceiling.

Suddenly, he heard a sound from the room next door--Jason’s room. Voices followed, Breen tried to resist the urge to listen but it failed miserably. “What are you doing here, Civil Protection could--”, he heard Jason burst out quietly. “I thought that nice man was protecting us”. “That was just a one time thing, I was nothing to him but…an experiment or something. I don’t know, I just think you being here isn’t a good idea. “I wish we could”, he heard the women say faintly, but she didn’t finish. “I know”, Jason replied in a low frustrated voice.

Dr. Breen slowly elevated himself and opened the door as quietly as he could and slipped down the hallway and out into the dark courtyard that was lit only by the stars above. A faint drizzle had begun to fall, but Breen didn’t mind. He walked the streets slowly, but intent on his destination. It was almost an hour before he reached the large plaza that held within it the Communications and Suppression building. He ran up the steps hastily and into the main lobby. Massive columns set in rough concrete greeted his view. Two Civil Protection officers glanced at him and stepped to either side of him. Breen walked slowly past them and approached the communications console. A large green button with the words “Suppression Field” written under it caught Breen’s eye, he reached for it. “Sir, that will shut off the Suppression field--” “I’m fully aware of what it does officer, back to your business or I’ll personally make sure you receive permanent off world assignment!”. The officer stiffened and looked away.

Breen pushed the button and stood back, the building shook for a moment and then all was silent. “It is done”, Dr. Breen commented and turned to walk out of the building. He made his way back to the tenements on a tide of elation, when he reached the lobby he didn’t have the strength to traverse the stairway, instead he collapsed on one of the couches. Morning came all too quickly, but Breen found himself instantly refreshed. When he found the will to actually stand up, he walked up the steps and approached Jason’s door , he knocked lightly. The blonde women answered the door, a barely white sheet wrapped around her small body. “Is Jason with you?”, Breen asked lightly. She nodded quickly and turned away. Jason’s sleepy features meet him.

“Dr. Breen, I’m sorry”, Jason started but Breen held up a hand. When you are ready meet me outside, I have a proposition for you”. Jason nodded once and closed the door and Dr. Breen hurried outside. He stood for awhile, laying against an old oak tree. Jason re-appeared eventually, giving Breen a shy smile. Breen took that as a sign that his plan worked. “Jason, as I already told you, I have a proposition for you”. “What if I granted you access to City 17 and allowed you to pursue a career in architecture, provided of course that you can have any company surrounding you that you choose.

“You mean Heather can come with me?”, Jason said incredulously. Breen nodded “You can leave as early as this afternoon”. He saw Jason’s eyes widen. Then they grew dark “For what price”. “None”, Dr. Breen stated simply. “Thank you, thank you!”, Jason impulsively shook Breen’s hand. He immediately ran into the tenements and several hours later the three of them were at City 14’s train station. “Thank you again, Dr. Breen. “You don’t need to thank me, I should have done this a long time ago”. Jason nodded then said “I think Heather has something to say to you”. The women spoke for a few moments, reiterating Jason’s appreciation. “Well, you two should leave now if you want to leave . The train waits for no one, you both know that. They both managed a smile, and Dr. Breen said goodbye to them and turned away. They boarded the train. As the train crept forward, Breen turned back and met Jason’s eyes. There was a quickening in them and that was all Breen needed to justify his actions.

That howling sound returned and he once again met with darkness. He wasn’t sure what he learned, but he wept uncontrollably. He had controlled humanity’s fate to an extent that they had depreciated the will to live. Breen willingly surrendered to that unearthly unconsciousness, and as his thoughts were torn away yet again, so was the sadness as well.

I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, I tried to make it considerably longer than the others.
 
Much better! Not just in the sense that it's a very healthy size but also because it really seems to be going places- must be incredibly bizzare for Breen to undergo all these flashbacks. Great description!
 
Jintor said:
Your writing style is quite original, but a bit taxing on the eyes. I quite like it, atmospheric and stuff...
I haven't had the time to read through the whole thing yet (I will, as it definitely shows promise from what I have read :) ), but I think I know what Jintor was saying. Your paragraphs are quite long. My best suggestion is to make sure you always start an new one when a new speaker starts talking. It's the correct way to write dialogue and it helps break things up a little, making it easier on the eyes.

Glad to see you writing some longer chapters. I'm looking forward to getting a chance to reading the whole thing through.
 
Thanks for the comments tinyxipe. I'll try to be a little more patient with my formatting. I'm already starting the next chapter "The Fatality Game". Although I am perplexed about how I want the story to end. There was one ending I was thinking of, but because of some recent inspiration I may go another path. Don't be surprised if I add an "alternative ending" when I finally finish this thing.
 
I just read the whole thing through. Very nice! You've caught my interest and I certainly want to see where you're going with it. I'm glad to hear that you are already planning out an ending. I think it helps to have at least a general idea of where you want things to go. I like your descriptions and atmosphere and it's good to see Breen doing a little soul searching. :)
 
Here it is!, chapter 4. I added some horror and action elements to "spice things up" so to speak.



Chapter 4: The Fatality Game

Dr. Breen awoke to a strong sense of fatality. He was sure it was irrational, but he couldn’t help but stay huddled in the fetal position for a few more seconds. Eventually, he crawled to a sitting position and looked around.

“Fatality”, a long-drawn out whisper spoke “face your fear”. A tingling sensation chilled his spine and spread across his face. He sighed against the mental torture and forced himself to stand. Dr. Breen was in a small anteroom, bare except for a few crates in the corner. A tiny square window eluded to the dismal nature outside, it was raining heavily. He almost missed the shuffling footsteps approaching his directions over the harsh pounding of the rain. The steps were predictable and consistent, a clumsy thud followed by a drawn out scraping sound against the decaying floors. Giving into the fear he tore open the door and ran down the shadowy corridor.

Bumping into a large, impassable object, Breen backed away. The object seemed to creep closer and once it moved into the light Breen couldn’t make a sound. It was Gordon Freeman, the walking post-mortem version anyway. It wasn’t just the dull, pale skin that gave away the man’s biological limbo. But the fixed green eyes, frozen jaw, and stiff, stubborn limbs were the main evidence that man was no longer among the living. The tattered HEV suit still clung to his back, being supported by a deformed, tortured spine.

When Breen managed to make a sound, it was a horrified scream and he backed away clumsily. “I won’t kill you”, and ephemeral, unidentifiable voice said “not until you’ve come to terms with death, or the illusion of it”. But Breen wasn’t paying attention, instead he was running down hallways, frantically closing doors behind him. When he reached a silent, medium-sized room he stopped to catch his breath.

“Fear, an embarrassing frame of mind for an ivory tower intellectual”, the voice commented, oblivious to Breen’s psychotic frame of mind. “What do you want?”, Breen asked, almost hysterical with fear. “Want?, its not what I want, but what you need. For almost a decade, you supposedly sacrificed yourself for the greater good, why not do so again. But its you who will benefit this time. Fear is unlike you, it must be eliminated. A stoic plateau must be reached, and then you must blow it to pieces!”, the voice’s texture elevated to a scream and Breen clutched his thinning hair and closed his eyes shut tighter and tighter until they burned.

He heard the approaching thuds again, but this time they were coming from all directions. “Don’t be afraid of death, embrace it as continuity, from your perspective, but others as well. Grey, skeletal hands broke through the windows, sending shards of glass everywhere. Doorknobs rattled violently. The first figure to clumsily enter the room looked familiar to Breen, he studied the stern face, bald head, and wiry frame. It was Eli Vance. “Do you remember him?”, the voice started up again. “If it were not for your fear of the eventual end, had you tried to capture and eliminate the threat that was Dr. Vance, you wouldn’t be in this situation as we speak”. At the point, another figure broke into the room. This creature’s frame was much smaller than the other behind it. It had shoulder-length black hair, stiff with age, its almost delicate head bent back in some form of eternal torture, its mouth twisted in silent agony. But it was the eyes that scared him the most. The irises had rolled into the back of the head, leaving blank white abysses staring impassively at him. He was positive it was Alyx. Breen gasped shortly before backing away.

“How can this be?”, Breen started. “An illusion within an illusion, look your fear in the face and give it the kiss of death!” the voice demanded. Breen shouted in frustration before tearing out of the room and running as fast as he could down the narrow corridor. He swung open the door at the end and slammed it shut once inside. He turned to face the room, his expression of relief turning to horror as he stared at the sight. A body was suspended upon barbed wire blood oozing from where the sharp pieces of metal stuck. The figure, what was left of it, was obviously female. Long red hair, fell in jumbled strips across the strained shoulders. “Judith?”, Breen half-whispered, already knowing it was her before looking into decaying, tortured dead face.

“She betrayed her alliance, then you, look into the face of betrayal!”, the voice demanded. Breen stiffened. Betrayal is nothing in the face of survival, she did what she had to stay alive, Breen’s rebellious thought seemed to anger the voice, because the body suspended upon the wires began to dance, its disfigured, limp form impossible to watch. He once again tore from the room and took the next door to the right, emerging from a side entrance of the house into the pouring rain. The ground sloshed under his feet, instantly soaking them.

It was sand, and it began to move beneath him. He groaned in exasperation, and fear. Breen began to job across the wet sand, gliding as quickly as he could from one low dip in the sand to the other. He eventually reached a plateau of sand, there was a small cottage that had been built upon it. He was almost afraid to go inside, but he forced himself. It was better than what awaited him out there in the pouring rain. He ran up the incline and into the small first room. There was a torn, stained bed there, a shiny object caught Breen’s glance in the darkness. A weapon, was his first thought. He grasped at it but it wouldn’t come loose, he tugged at it harder and the limp fingers holding the gun came from the sockets. He stifled a scream and, with his eyes closed, brushed the fingers away.

The gun appeared to be a .357 magnum. Breen shrugged, not the preferred weapon of choice, but it would make due, considering this was an illusion, supposedly. Although it felt more real than his prior life ever had. Dr. Breen hesitated for a moment, then inched his way back out into the rain. His feet began to ache but he ignored them. Once he reached the bottom of the slope, he looked up into the torrential rain. “I’m ready,” he shouted. “I’ll give you hell if that’s what you want!”, Breen continued in his high voice.

The sand began to churn again, this time, large scaly, faceless creatures appeared. Their red eyes piercing into him. He raised the gun and fired while his hand shook. He missed. He aimed again and one of the creatures fell to the ground silently. The others closed in and Breen fired impulsively until the chamber was empty. Then one of the creatures leapt and scraped a gigantic claw through Breen’s chest. He slumped to the ground in silence.

Suddenly Breen was outside himself, left to stare at his dead “body”. Now being twisted in positions that were impossible in life. The irises had rolled into the back of his head, and Breen glared into those twin, ivory nightmares for what seemed like an eternity. The darkness didn’t claim him for awhile and he was left to wonder about what really happened. Was he at the whim of some higher being, or had he gone completely insane?.
 
It's great, like it always has been -natch!-, but it still somehow reads to me as if the personissuddenlytalkingveryfastandrunningallhiswordstogethersortoflikethis. But in a less exagerated way (is that how you spell it?...)
 
I see what you mean Jintor, I don't know thats just how I write (and how I talk from what ppl tell me :P). Oh btw for anyone who cares, I've completely thought the ending out, and IMHO it will blow your minds! (maybe I'm biased). Mainly because its unexpected. Anyway Chapter 5 "West Psychosis" should be ready to post in the next day or two.
 
Hey, Evilsloth, did you mean Chapter 4 was weird, or just the story in general?. I thought the story was getting a little dry, so I injected some excitement into it.
 
Okay, IMHO I really didn't feel the story was going anywhere, so I decided to end it prematurely. The next two chapters are god-awful short, but I summed it up as best I good. Oh, and the summary at the beginning of this thread was an unintention hoax I'm afraid. Anyways, comments these last two chapters would be appreciated.


Chapter 5: West Psychosis

Dr. Breen woke up screaming, his pale grey hands clenched in an unforeseeable anger. Eventually, he grew tired and fell silent. He sighed and looked at the dark, crimson gash on his chest. It spread from one end of his chest to the other. “So, you have finally calmed down enough to see reason. Or what is left of it in you “, the voice began again. Dr. Breen twitched, and he found when he tried to speak, an empty whoosh of air was expelled from his lungs.

“I have seen death many times, but yours was less…..tangible than the rest. You proved yourself an able metaphysical soldier, while a few flaws need to be corrected, you show limitless potential in this area. Something that couldn’t be said of my earlier experiments. I think you have earned a view of your mentor, a glimpse anyway, but it is all you need for now.”

A strange manatee-like being formed itself a few feet in front of him, obviously holographic, for a creature of that size would have been uncomfortable in a room of such small proportions. “There you have it, the light behind the mask. What is behind yours, darkness, pure crimson, or sheer nothingness?.”, the voice enquired.

Dr. Breen showed no emotion towards what he was sure was an apparition. “You think I’m an illusion, don’t you?. You think that I will eventually disappear, but as long as your mental stigma remains I will remain. You must admit to yourself and me of a blatant fallibility. You are hopelessly flawed, you will come to see that. Oh, and if you are looking for an identity from my being, you may refer to as the “Advisor” of the Combine Empire. Perhaps now that I have given you my true identity, you will be more compliant”, the voice observed.

Breen remained silent. “Very well”, said the advisor. “I will see you are tormented in your silence until you learn to comply. Compliance is the central ingredient for an efficient soldier of your caliber.” Almost instantaneously Breen began hearing a multitude of voices. Tortured groans and screams filled his mind while he was assaulted viscerally by images of the undead and unspeakable violence. He was killing them, slashing through them with no remorse, his family and friends, and random citizens of an urban decay.

Chapter 6: Simple Irony (No Empathy Allowed).

Dr. Breen emerged from his illusions with full alertness. The voices inside his head began to quiet themselves. “Silence” was the last word he heard from them, and he looked around. Astounded, he found himself back in his office at Black Mesa. Every picture frame, every piece of furniture, was where he left it more than ten years ago.

The last decade of his life was no more than a lie, no more than a prolonged hallucination spanning a few days that clogged his memory and perception of time. It was clear that he had gone insane. Alone in that dimly lit room, Dr. Breen decided what he was going to do. He nodded, yes, it was the only way. His jaw quivered and he clenched it shut and pulled open the middle door of his desk and pulled out the .357 magnum he had kept for simple protection.

It took every ounce of sanity Dr. Breen had left, and the last vestiges of a stygian depression for him to pull the trigger. Silence greeted him, and he didn’t hear time and space come screeching to a halt as the blue suited man cut through the illusion of Dr. Breen’s office. All color and substance were washed away until nothing but blackness and Dr. Breen’s body remained.

The gman looked down at the stoic expression on Dr. Breen’s face, and smiled. He had corrupted others before, not as subtly, and the ones that didn’t comply were dispersed by a wave of his hand. Breen’s deterioration was much more subtle. There was no empathy inside the gman, but he enjoyed the simple, dramatic irony he caused Dr. Breen that day.

The blue-suited automaton shifted away from the destitute scene of death, satisfied. Irony abounded, among other things. Multiple character Paradoxes, archaic retribution of the soul, it was the most powerful death the gman had experienced in awhile, well worth the wait and sinking down into the human pit of logic once again. With that thought, the gman faded away from reality, and time itself, waiting like a predator in the darkness stalking his next prey.
 
Thanks Jintor. So, hehe, anyone else care to tell me how the ending turned out?.
 
I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. I liked how you started the story and was very curious about where you were going with Breen's conscience. The end seemed pretty rushed. But...I understand why you did it. There's no use dragging out a story you're not interested in and I do have to thank you for at least finishing it up for us.

One other observation, there were a couple of times (only a couple!) where I felt like you were trying a little too hard with your adjectives. Sometimes the simpler words can have just as much impact. That said, really did enjoy a lot of your descriptions.

I hope this didn't sound too negative. I do hope you will be writing more for us!
 
well, thanks tinyxipe for being honest. I know the ending was rushed, I was more concerned with the conceptual opinion, for instance "Whoa!, I can't believe HOW it ended!". Besides the fact that it was rushed, what did you think of it?. Did it have the surprise factor I was going for?. To be honest, there were several endings I chose from, and one of them would have been more inclined to Breen's conscience I suppose. I may write that in the coming days.

Also, give me an example of how I was trying to hard with my adjectives, believe it or not it comes natural although I can see a need for correction I guess. As for the writing more part, I'm thinking up a story entitled "Paradox Man", bascically it fleshes out who the gman is and what his objectives are. I'll probably write the alternative ending to this first though.
 
To be honest again, I think the surprise factor would have worked better if it had a bit more time to build. I was just starting to feel some sympathy for Breen... and then it ended. I'm not saying it was bad, it just didn't have the emotional impact (for me) that I think you were going for. My tastes tend to run more towards the subtle though, so others may have a completely different take on the ending. I did like how the G-man came across as some sort of psyche-predator. That was a nice effect.

As far as the adjectives go, rereading the ending, they didn't stick out as much. I think when I read "the last vestiges of a stygian depression" soon followed by "blue-suited automaton", "destitute scene of death" and "archaic retribution of the soul", I felt a bit pummeled. :) Don't get me wrong. I'm all for creative use of description and lovely big adjectives...they just seemed to follow fast and furious and seemed a little overwhelming. I don't recall feeling that way anywhere else in the story, so it may have been that you were just trying to fit a lot of description into a small space...

Once again, I hope I don't sound too negative. I think you do have talent and that's why I'm trying to give you some specific feedback. I would definitely like to see what you have for an alternative ending.
 
Hey, tinyxipe, I would rather you be honest than to keep going on with my mistakes. I know what you mean now be over-using adjectives. Who knows?, I might cut out Chapters 5-6 and re-do it from there. There were two more lengthy chapters I wanted to include, so I may go with those first.
 
I thought it was very good, although I'd also agree it felt a little... compressed. I too think that if you used less low usage vocabularly your metaphors and similies would have far more impact, as they wouldn't be lost in a sea of (admittedly high-quality) description. I kept having to re-read segments to appreciate their full force :O

Definitely looking forward to your next fanfic!
 
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