The Echelon Operation: The Invisible Army

[Tantalus]

THE ECHELON OPERATION:
THE INVISIBLE ARMY

Written by Tantalus


Prologue

The year 1748 changed our lives, more than you could imagine. It is the reason that today, more than 250 years later, we are being controlled. And why is this? The reason that 1748 had such an impact on us was because that was the year that Adam Weishaupt was born. In case you haven't heard of him, he was the supposed founder in the Illuminati, a Bavarian conspiracy theory, targeted towards global dominance, the dominance they have gotten close to obtaining. The conspiracy ended after Weishaupt was caught 1784, or at least that's what everyone thought. But they’re wrong. After he was caught, he fled to Gotha. From there he secretly communicated to the Illuminati through his publications, like An Improved System of Illuminism, and A Picture of Illuminism. It took them generations for them to revive after he died in 1811, but they are now more dominant then you could ever dream of.
The Illuminati way is definitely not through militia. They'd be wiped out if they tried that. You could say it was like the way the "fifth column" worked in World War II. Assassinations, bribery, blackmail, and espionage. These guys specialize in knowledge. That's what they think the true source of power is.
Just like the Free Masons, the Illuminati have three main degrees. First is the Entered Apprentice. Their duties aren’t important. They just need to prove their loyalty to the “Invisible Order.” They teach them how to the basics of being an Illuminant, such as how to pick out other Illuminants without revealing anything or looking suspicious. As soon as you’re done with training, you move to the second level, the Fellow Craft. After this step, you are given more information, and actually given real jobs. At the top there are only three people. They run the whole thing, and they have direct control on everybody under them. Nobody knows anything about them, not even their name or where they are stationed. Nobody knows how they are picked, or anything else about them.
They are the most powerful men in the world.

 

[Tantalus]

Chapter One: The Assassin

My codename is Adam, and as an Illuminati assassin I take out targets, silence certain people, and put potential witnesses under the curtain. As one of the Illuminati's best, I hit every target every time, because assassins that fail their task become the targets for other assassins.
My target was a former Illuminati operative, which made the job much more delicate. I managed to rent an apartment across the street from his, but it didn’t matter. Not so much as his shadow was ever visible through the windows, and I was running out of time. That only meant one thing- I had to get inside.
Being trained by the Illuminati, my quarry was always alert, so it would not be easy to get in undetected. On his apartment door, he had an imported Swiss lock—considered impossible to pick, but that would be no problem. My main concern was the deadbolt. Not accessible by key, this was unlocked by a radio transmission. My electronic pick wasn’t responding, which meant one thing: someone knew how to reprogram the receivers ROM.
He knew enough that whenever outside of his apartment, he was either seen clearly or invisible, which meant that there was no way to kill him elsewhere. I kept sharp eye at the quarry’s door. To get in, he would have to use the transmitter, which with the right equipment I would be able to intercept… equipment that I had.
Of course, security would get suspicious if I stood by his door all day, so I had to figure out a way to inconspicuously set the equipment up near his room. But inconspicuous is not a word when you’re against an ex-Illuminati… especially if he’s worried.

Eventually I managed to hide the equipment a nearby vent when the hallways became empty. The next time he used the transmission to get into his room, it would instantly alert in my apartment across the street, letting me know he his home and giving me access in… of course assuming the hallways are empty. I carefully got my equipment ready… my lockpick, transmitter, and, of course, my pistol.
I stared at my pistol, remembering the first job I had done with it. It was a lawyer who had found out too much while working on his case. I pointed the gun at him, and hesitated. Why should this man be dead? He was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time… wasn’t there another way to silence him?
Then it came. A surge of power, flowing through my body, finally reaching the finger that pulled the trigger. After that it became easier to kill… each victim consuming my emotions, turning me into the cold-natured assassin I now am…
But emotions didn’t matter, did they?

The hall was completely empty as I deftly unlocked the Swiss masterpiece that held the door shut. I heard a click, and silently crept in after opening the deadbolt. I heard a noise across the hall, and silently slipped into a doorway.
He proceeded forward into the room, and as he walked past, I held my breath and stepped out and held the pistol barrel against his forehead.
"You move, you die. I need answers"
"To what?" He replied coolly.
"Who do you work for?”
He thought for a second, looked searchingly into my eyes, then at the pistol, then back to me.
"Why don't you ask yourself that."
His answer made me lose my concentration for a second. He continued, "You work for the Illuminati as I once did, and you do what they tell you. Kill this person, get rid of this person. They treat you like a machine, and you act like one. Is this how you saw yourself five or ten years ago?”
"Hey! I'm the one asking the questions!"
But the question tugged at my mind. And as I thought about it for just a second, that’s all he needed.
In one swift move, he knocked me to the ground, grabbed my pistol out of the air and pointed it at my head.
“I believe you want to do the right thing, so I’ll give you a choice. You leave this building, knowing that you will be constantly hunted by your past as I am. Otherwise,” he cocked the pistol, “I pull the trigger.” I stood up, took of my goggles and looked him in the eye.
“Goodbye.” I said.
“Oh, we will meet again.”


As I walked down the alley, I pondered his comment about being hunted. I heard a noise behind me and immediately ducked, and a bullet whizzed past my head. I instinctively reached for my pistol, which wasn’t there. I sprinted down the street to a group of abandoned apartment buildings, where I ran through several doors with bullets peppering all around me. Through one of the only unbroken windows left in the building I could see an alley. Pulling my arm around my stomach I threw myself full forced against the window and it shattered as I roll out and onto the alley floor. Jumping up, I started sprinting for the street, when a black BMW M3 pulled up and the door popped open as I hear a female voice.
“Quick, get in!” I dove into the open door and drove off.
Questions flashed through my mind. How did the Illuminati know that I would fail, and how did this woman know where to pick me up? Why couldn’t I kill my target, when I had never before hesitated in my objective?
“There’s a war going on that the Illuminati doesn’t want to be let out in its ranks. I am part of the resistance, and so is the man that you just failed to assassinate.” I shifted my weight nervously. “You will be a loss for them… and a gain for us.” She handed me a pistol.
“Welcome to the Invisible Army.”


Light shone through the broken shards of what used to be the windows in the upper stories of an abandoned apartment complex in the rougher part of New York City. Behind me, the boards of the room creaked the slightest bit, and reaching into my coat pocket, whipped out my pistol and spun on my heel and brought the barrel to the man’s forehead in the blink of an eye.
"It's ok, he's on our side!" The mysterious woman quickly explained, pushing my gun aside.
"I see you've met Aloysia." He said, as if my reaction had no effect, and with that he nodded in the woman’s direction behind me. “I'm Mason... you must be Adam.” He offered a hand, and I took it in mine, and we shook.
“When do I start working for the Invisible Army?” I asked.
“Right now. Follow me.” He responded. I followed him through the abandoned building as he talked about the Invisible Army.
“For safety reasons, none of us know our leader name, and he hides his face from us. He realized that the Illuminati has been coming more and more corrupt within itself, so he left and formed the Invisible Army.” He explained.
“Why didn’t the Illuminati stop them?” I asked.
“They repeatedly tried to assassinate him, but the last thing that they want is their people to panic. That’s why they didn’t tell you who you were assassinating tonight.” He stopped walking, and so did I. I looked around the room, which was different from all of the rest. The floor was padded, and there were various weapons hanging on the walls. A single camera hung from the corner, and a man in all black—from his mask to his socks—stood in middle of the room.
I heard the door shut behind my, and turned around to see that Mason had left the room.
"Welcome Adam." said the man in black. "I’ve been expecting you. I know that the Illuminati put you through training, but they held you back in fear you would become to powerful for them to handle."
Slowly, and purposefully, the man strode to a table in the far corner of the room, and from the table, retrieved two samurai style swords.
"Show me your skill.” He said, tossing me one of the swords.
I looked at the blade that had been given me, the cold hard steel showing a reflection along its surface.
I brought the blade up, and waited for the man to make his move. Bringing the blade over his head, he swung in a downward ark, and the blades sparked as they struck together.

 

[Tantalus]

If you read these, please post possible improvements/reviews. Thanks to all who read!

 

[Reaktor4]

Is it supposed to be realistic? Its a bit far fetched sounding. And there are some mistakes.

 

[Gray Fox]

Nice writing, keep it up. :thumbs: :thumbs:

 

[Tantalus]

Is it supposed to be realistic? Its a bit far fetched sounding. And there are some mistakes.

No, it is supposed to be far fetched... please show me the mistakes, I would love to fix them.

 

[Tantalus]

Chapter Two: Kleptomania

Nathan Ex—the nonpareil of his profession: burglary. He’s pulled stunts that no one had thought was possible, such as robbing a bank without anyone knowing until the next day… twice. There is one thing that sets Nathan out from most burglars—he has never broken a promise. If he tell you that he is going to rob your store at three, he’s not going to be late.
But why does he steal? It’s not the money— Nathan would readily admit he has enough of that. The answer is obvious enough… he thinks it’s fun, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. He’s a living example of a perfect crime—he’s never made a mistake… except once. And that was to rob one of the Illuminati fronts. Nathan, being the genius he was, wasn’t completely nescient of the Illuminati, so he didn’t intentionally warn the most powerful force on the earth when he was going to be at their front door. He was there at 8:00, and so were they.

Nathan awoke, having no idea at what just happened. He looked around: he was in a small conference room, where he was sitting in a chair with his hand cuffed behind his back. A blonde man was watching him intently. When he noticed Nathan was awake, he spoke, and with a portending sureness. “You are known to be able to escape from anything, but this time you’ve dug a hole a little too deep. As a principal, we never waste talent, so we will give you a choice. A Hobson’s choice, that is. You help us with our… organization, and we’ll give you a life that is as exciting, if not more so, as your previous one.”
“And if I refuse? What are you going to do, kill me?”
The man sighed. “We’ll keep you locked up in solitary until you change your mind.”
Nathan thought about this for a while. “What kind of an organization is this? What am I contributing towards?”
The blonde man now spoke with a certain pride. “We are the overseers of the world. We are the guidance that humanity needs on its goal of perfection. We are…” Nathan abruptly interrupted.
“What do you mean, we? Don’t you have an identity of your own?”
The interrogator stared at him for a while, and then spoke. “Our goal is for the good of mankind. None of us seek self glory.”
“So the cost of being part of this society is what? Losing ipseity for your crusade? I think I chose solitary.”
“So be it.”

Nathan woke up feeling as if he were intoxicated. He tried to shake it off and looked around at his surroundings. It appeared to be a basement, by the smell one of a coffeehouse or restaurant. He could faintly hear the sound of traffic through a small window towards the ceiling.
The room was completely bare. There was nothing, except two doors: one to a bathroom, and the other, which was locked heavily, that obviously led upstairs. The room was small and dark. Judging by the light coming in from the fogged window, it was almost lunchtime, which was soon confirmed by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. The door opened, and a man walked in with a plate that contained the vilest looking food Nathan had ever seen. He didn’t care, however, and stuffed it down. It didn’t taste terrible, almost like scrambled eggs. The man waited until Nathan had finished, and took the plate and utensils, leaving Nathan alone until dinner.
Nathan hated the dullness of this prison. He knew that he couldn’t fake alliance for the Illuminati: they watched to close for that, and he would certainly be hunted down. But he had to escape somehow…

 

[The Dark Elf]

Pretty good I guess.. I'll read it properly when I've the time/remember.

Your probably best off posting it somewhere thats geared for this kind of thing though, unless its HL based then it should go in the fanfic section.

 

[Tantalus]

Pretty good I guess.. I'll read it properly when I've the time/remember.

Your probably best off posting it somewhere thats geared for this kind of thing though, unless its HL based then it should go in the fanfic section.

Well, it isn't really HL based... unfortunately, I'm desperately in need of some constructive criticism, and this was the best place I could think of.

Well, at least I put it in off topic!

 

[Spartan]

Terribly cliched and cheesy. And moves too quickly.

 

[Reaktor4]

No, it is supposed to be far fetched... please show me the mistakes, I would love to fix them.

Well its just mostly spelling/grammar mistakes but also you cant reprogram rom can you? And, like spartan said it is pretty cheesy and fast moving.. its sorta confusing actually because of the sudden change of focus in the second chapter. And why didnt nathan just knock out the guy with the food and escape?
Another thing, secret organisations (or at least the ones that i have any knowledge of) generally dont think its a good idea to force people to join them, thats just asking to be exposed.

 

[Spartan]

Since you're writing about an assassin, remember to avoid flashy things. If you're in doubt, ask yourself: what would 47 do?

 

[The Silhouette]

theres some cheesey dialogue, if any one thing ruins a story or movie for me, its cheesey dialogue. I know its supposed to be somewhat fictional but still, avoid cheeseyness.

 

[Spartan]

As one of the Illuminati's best, I hit every target every time, because assassins that fail their task become the targets for other assassins.

Why is this? It's "cool" and all, but terribly inefficient. Why spend the time, money and resources to train someone and then kill him?

On his apartment door, he had an imported Swiss lock—considered impossible to pick, but that would be no problem.

Hmm, I wonder. This is just a guess, but if the lock's designers, no doubt master locksmiths, can't pick it, how could you?

He proceeded forward into the room, and as he walked past, I held my breath and stepped out and held the pistol barrel against his forehead.

Big mistake. Even I, with little training, could disarm you if you held a gun at my forehead. Now, considering that the protagonist is dealing with a highly trained person, he'd be very stupid to get that close.

Why couldn’t I kill my target, when I had never before hesitated in my objective?

Didn't he hesitate with the lawyer?

"Welcome Adam." said the man in black. "I’ve been expecting you. I know that the Illuminati put you through training, but they held you back in fear you would become to powerful for them to handle."

Ok, this is just too cheesy to be true, especially since the protagonist is clearly an amateur.

Slowly, and purposefully, the man strode to a table in the far corner of the room, and from the table, retrieved two samurai style swords.
"Show me your skill.” He said, tossing me one of the swords.

Why would a modern day assassin be trained in sword fighting techniques? It's completely useless in this day and age. He doesn't even carry one (and how could he - everyone would notice).

If I were to write a story about an assassin, I'd use the Hitman games and Bourne Identity as reference. They are realistic enough.

 

[Bad^Hat]

It moves way too fast but I like the writing in several parts.

 

[Tantalus]

Big mistake. Even I, with little training, could disarm you if you held a gun at my forehead. Now, considering that the protagonist is dealing with a highly trained person, he'd be very stupid to get that close.


Didn't he hesitate with the lawyer?


Why would a modern day assassin be trained in sword fighting techniques? It's completely useless in this day and age. He doesn't even carry one (and how could he - everyone would notice).

I agree, I've decided to take out the sword fighting technique. It is very corny.

Also, I've decided instead of holding the gun to the forehead, keeping it locked to the hip and holding the 'target' with the other arm.

Yes, he did hesistate on the lawyer, but the lawyer was too scared/inexperienced to do anything.

 

[Spartan]

Probably the easiest way to control someone with a gun would be to point it at him from afar, and order him to lie down. That's what police officers do. The advantage of a gun is that you don't have to get close. If you get close, the target can easily deflect your gun and disarm you. And you don't even need to be a superassassin to learn that.

 

[Tantalus]

Probably the easiest way to control someone with a gun would be to point it at him from afar, and order him to lie down. That's what police officers do. The advantage of a gun is that you don't have to get close. If you get close, the target can easily deflect your gun and disarm you. And you don't even need to be a superassassin to learn that.

But in this case, the point is that the illuminati assassin is good, but not quite as good as the other person.

 

[Tantalus]

So far, the main complaints are cheesy dialogue and too fast paced? I'll be able to fix that, especially the dialogue: I was starting to get sick of it myself.

 

[Tantalus]

Chapter Three: The Operations

Each day, the in black man and I fought. One day it was swords, the next it was bare hands. As they days passed, I lasted longer and longer against him, and I became exceptionally skilled in all sorts of fighting. Then, one day, Mason came up to me after breakfast.
“Our leader says that you are ready. Follow me.” I followed him to the briefing room. He led me to a desk. “These are our weapons.” He said, pointing to the items on the desk. Two pistols with suppressors, and an assassin’s one-shot sniper rifle with a scope.
“Chose one.” Mason said. I took one of the pistols, and Mason took the other.
“Who gets the rifle?” I asked.
“I do.” Said a familiar voice from behind me. I turned around to see the man that I had tried to assassinate earlier. “I told you that we would meet again.” Mason spoke up.
“Adam, this is Justin, Justin this is Adam.” We shook hands.
“What are we supposed to be doing?” I asked, and Justin answered.
“Unlike the Illuminati, the Invisible Army don’t have limitless money. Most of our money we steal from the Illuminati and a new chance has just popped up for us. One of the companies that the Illuminati own is getting sued, and they are bribing the jurors. We know that they are sending a truckload of bearer bonds through New York, and we need to get them.”
“Well, what do we do?” I asked.
“You and Mason are going to take secure the truck, even though it should be heavily protect. I’ll watch over you two from above.” Mason looked at his watch.
“Let’s go.”

It was Mason, Justin, and I in the car, with Aloysia as the driver.
“How often will I be doing operations?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“It depends on how often we need you. One week I worked every day. Another time I went a month without working. We have it pretty easy- the surveillance crew works 24/7.” Mason answered.
“Surveillance? What kind of surveillance?”
“How else did you think we would know about the bearer bonds?” Mason said. The car stopped, and Justin walked out. I moved to open the door, but Mason held me back.
“Not yet.” I looked out the window, and Justin walked into an alley and started to climb a ladder.
“Where do we go?” I asked. I then answered the question myself. In the alley across the street, three men were unloading bearer bonds onto the ground from a van. They appeared to be ready for anything, as the Illuminati trained them to be. None of them stuck out in the crowd—blonde hair, brown eyes, and in the vicinity of 6’0. I watched these men for a few minutes, but one caught my eye and I immediately looked away.
Aloysia looked through the window, and then at Mason.
“It’s time.” She said. “See you back at base.” Mason and I got out of the car, and Aloysia drove off.
“How are we getting back?” I asked. Mason nodded towards the van. We started to walk into the alley, and one of the men saw us. He whispered something to the other two men. They continued to unload, but occasionally glanced our way. Suddenly, one of them pulled out their pistol and pointed it towards me. With amazing reflexes, Mason pulled out his pistol killed him in a single shot. Then I pulled out my pistol, but they had disappeared. I turned around, and one had a pistol to my head
“I dare you to move.” He said with a mischievous, almost boyish grin on his face. I dropped my gun to the ground. I glanced over to see to see how Mason was doing, and he was in the same position as I was.
“Who are you?” One asked.
Mason answered, “We are your worst nightmare.”
I felt the men next to me fall, and I grabbed his gun out of the air and shot the one with the gun to Mason’s head. I looked at him, and he grinned weakly. Then we both looked to the building across the street, and on the roof we could faintly see the silhouette of a black figure against the sun.

 

[Tantalus]

Chapter Four: The Daedal Abscond

After days of trying, Nathan had finally done it- he managed to keep a sharp object out of sight of his captors. Hidden underneath the peeling caulk of the toilet was hidden a knife from one of his dinners. He had complained to that his meal needed salt, and after the guard finally agreed to get some Nathan hid the knife. Of course the guard noticed the missing knife, but after a thorough search of the chamber and repeated claims from Nathan that he simply hadn’t been given one, they finally gave up.
Now, each day between meals and attempts to win him over, Nathan painstakingly removed the rubber off the basement window. He was careful to not let it show. Any indication Nathan was trying to escape would leave him stuck there indefinitely. Finally, the day came. Nathan finally finished peeling the rubber perimeter off the window, and he now could remove it. This night would be his night of escape.

Nathan had just finished eating dinner, and watched the window waiting for dark. The guards came by every five minutes, so he had to work quickly. Nathan peeled off the rubber and threw it on the ground. The window came off easily, and he set it down carefully. He looked out, and noticed something he hadn’t seen through the fog: a set of rusty bars. Nathan knew that it would be impossible to replace the window, so he thought fast. He ran into the bathroom, and took the cover off the top of the toilet. He rammed it against the bars, which broke off easily.
As Nathan crawled through the window, the door started to open. Just as he got out, a bullet sped past, barely missing him.
He was free.

Nathan immediately went to his apartment, realizing that the Illuminati would have confronted him there earlier if they had known where it was located. It was untraceable: all of the paperwork had been signed and paid for by Christopher Smith, an alias that Nathan had invented for various purposes—mostly paranoia.
Nathan closed all of the shades and set up his homemade security system—if anyone opened the door, the alarm would go off. He went to his bed, ready for a good night’s sleep, but there was a problem—there was someone already on it.
The man sitting on the bed was about six foot two inches, and was well built. He had blonde hair, was dressed in all black, and had a voice full of confidence.
“Congratulations, you are one of the very few who has escaped the grasps of the Illuminati.” The man said. “I am one of those few as well.” An unspoken question rang through the air: Who are you?
“I can’t tell you my name, but you can call me Karl. I am part of an Illuminati resistance…”

Nathan was stunned. He thought that he had been relatively knowledgeable about the hierarchy in the world, when he really had no clue. Karl had left him with nothing more than an address and a proposition- a chance to take a shot at the Illuminati, and then go back to his ‘normal’ life. He knew one thing: if the Invisible Army could find his apartment, the Illuminati sure could… and his suspicions were soon to be confirmed.

 

[Dan]

read robert ludlum.
My other comment is that your style is very action/event oriented. There is very little description of surroundings that will draw the reader into the world. Rather it's Nathan (verb) (stuff), Nathan (verb) (stuff). Make a visual image of the setting and capture every detail of that image.