Myownsavior2000
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The Epoch of Lulz, a Half Life story (Prologue), [The man behind the crowbar]
Many people have enjoyed the grandiose story of Half Life the valve classic that inspired so many of us from how we raise our children and remembering that using the shotgun is the best way to kill Bullsquids, to our educational system which we learn eventually falls apart in a freak accident which results in inter-dimensional travel, but I digress… We all remember the highlights of this exalted adventure, from Gordon’s first tram ride into black mesa to getting reunited with Dog after a long journey.
With all that we learned about the intricacies of life from this saga of Iliad like proportions with more action than some unscrupulous combination that could only result from the love child of a Jason Statham movie that had intercourse with Bill Paxton while watching the Special Olympics, but again I digress. Even with all that we know about the story, one has to ask him or herself, was everything documented? Or were there parts left out in order to avoid the embarrassment of parties that will remain to unmentioned in this expose. *cough* *cough* Valve *cough*
Now, I am here to present information that might come as a surprise to many, please have a seat before proceeding
<intermission>
Why didn’t the ghost have any children?
……………………………………………………….______________________-----------------------------------------…………………………………….____________________------------------------________________________---------------------<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Cause he’s not apparent!!! NOW YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT JOKE EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS THE WORD AND HATE ME FOR IT!!!
<intermission/>
Are you seated yet? Good, Gordon Freeman was in fact responsible for very little of the events of Half Life, The true man responsible was a very enigmatic character simply named Lulz. Very little is known about this man or where he was even found, but he was indeed the perfect stuntman. Lulz had a rare condition which allowed him to be the perfect man to take on all of the challenges which Gordon was pitted against; since birth he could not feel any pain. He was completely immune to pain which gave him superhuman like strength and agility (comparable to that of James Murphy but a lot more cost effective and less rusty with much less maintenance required) the V word saw this as a great asset because of everything they could subject him to.
The second thing that must be known about our enigmatic protagonist is that due to some otherworldly rip into the space time tabouleh continuum he is also virtually indestructible. He is able to break bones, tear skin, and take lightning blasts to the dome, (and does because of the sheer enjoyment he gets out of it) now, he does die but because of the above mentioned reasons he rematerialized completely unharmed and with no memory of the incident. Vavleh (name changed to protect parties which would prefer to remain anonymous) could not resist, within days he was shadowing Gordon and was being taught the trade. Everything seemed to go swimmingly, until Gordon’s fateful first day at black Mesa. It was thought that the enigmatic antagonist GMan orchestrated the resonance cascade by bringing in a specific set of Anomalous Materials which would cause such a reaction.
This was a misconception, which was made by a lot of us here (IRL) but something occurred that changed the world as we know it today. It was discovered that a crowbar was dropped from the upper platform in the Test Chamber which chipped the test materials and caused this horrific accident. The irony is that same object was the only reason Gordon Freeman was even able to escape unscathed from the whole ordeal by finding it shot through a wall in a hallway (which also explains why a crowbar was found on the floor of a research center completely out of place and with no other obvious use, CONSPIRACY??! I THINK SO!). It was later discovered that it was in-fact Lulz’s doing that caused this accident and was hidden to not embarrass Vulva (name changed to protect parties which prefer to remain anonymous).
This is when Valgus (name changed to protect parties which prefer to remain anonymous), realized that they made a grave mistake by hiring Lulz, whose overt and quite amazing abilities were only overshadowed by his Intelligence, which can only be compared to that of a wet sock and whose attention span could not even be measured in the smallest measurement of time known to man (Planck time: 5.391 × e?44 seconds, That's 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000005391 of a second! Impressed?? You should be, if you don’t like my story at least you learned something) which made any task impossible for the big lovable retarded lug yet strangely entertaining because he seamed ridiculously annihilation resistant. Thus the truth behind the Epoch begins; from now on you will learn the real story about The Man behind the Crowbar.
Many people have enjoyed the grandiose story of Half Life the valve classic that inspired so many of us from how we raise our children and remembering that using the shotgun is the best way to kill Bullsquids, to our educational system which we learn eventually falls apart in a freak accident which results in inter-dimensional travel, but I digress… We all remember the highlights of this exalted adventure, from Gordon’s first tram ride into black mesa to getting reunited with Dog after a long journey.
With all that we learned about the intricacies of life from this saga of Iliad like proportions with more action than some unscrupulous combination that could only result from the love child of a Jason Statham movie that had intercourse with Bill Paxton while watching the Special Olympics, but again I digress. Even with all that we know about the story, one has to ask him or herself, was everything documented? Or were there parts left out in order to avoid the embarrassment of parties that will remain to unmentioned in this expose. *cough* *cough* Valve *cough*
Now, I am here to present information that might come as a surprise to many, please have a seat before proceeding
<intermission>
Why didn’t the ghost have any children?
……………………………………………………….______________________-----------------------------------------…………………………………….____________________------------------------________________________---------------------<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Cause he’s not apparent!!! NOW YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT JOKE EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS THE WORD AND HATE ME FOR IT!!!
<intermission/>
Are you seated yet? Good, Gordon Freeman was in fact responsible for very little of the events of Half Life, The true man responsible was a very enigmatic character simply named Lulz. Very little is known about this man or where he was even found, but he was indeed the perfect stuntman. Lulz had a rare condition which allowed him to be the perfect man to take on all of the challenges which Gordon was pitted against; since birth he could not feel any pain. He was completely immune to pain which gave him superhuman like strength and agility (comparable to that of James Murphy but a lot more cost effective and less rusty with much less maintenance required) the V word saw this as a great asset because of everything they could subject him to.
The second thing that must be known about our enigmatic protagonist is that due to some otherworldly rip into the space time tabouleh continuum he is also virtually indestructible. He is able to break bones, tear skin, and take lightning blasts to the dome, (and does because of the sheer enjoyment he gets out of it) now, he does die but because of the above mentioned reasons he rematerialized completely unharmed and with no memory of the incident. Vavleh (name changed to protect parties which would prefer to remain anonymous) could not resist, within days he was shadowing Gordon and was being taught the trade. Everything seemed to go swimmingly, until Gordon’s fateful first day at black Mesa. It was thought that the enigmatic antagonist GMan orchestrated the resonance cascade by bringing in a specific set of Anomalous Materials which would cause such a reaction.
This was a misconception, which was made by a lot of us here (IRL) but something occurred that changed the world as we know it today. It was discovered that a crowbar was dropped from the upper platform in the Test Chamber which chipped the test materials and caused this horrific accident. The irony is that same object was the only reason Gordon Freeman was even able to escape unscathed from the whole ordeal by finding it shot through a wall in a hallway (which also explains why a crowbar was found on the floor of a research center completely out of place and with no other obvious use, CONSPIRACY??! I THINK SO!). It was later discovered that it was in-fact Lulz’s doing that caused this accident and was hidden to not embarrass Vulva (name changed to protect parties which prefer to remain anonymous).
This is when Valgus (name changed to protect parties which prefer to remain anonymous), realized that they made a grave mistake by hiring Lulz, whose overt and quite amazing abilities were only overshadowed by his Intelligence, which can only be compared to that of a wet sock and whose attention span could not even be measured in the smallest measurement of time known to man (Planck time: 5.391 × e?44 seconds, That's 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000005391 of a second! Impressed?? You should be, if you don’t like my story at least you learned something) which made any task impossible for the big lovable retarded lug yet strangely entertaining because he seamed ridiculously annihilation resistant. Thus the truth behind the Epoch begins; from now on you will learn the real story about The Man behind the Crowbar.
