The Shamanatrix

[ktimekiller]

Taken from wow forums.

In honor of Shaman 300:

Warlock: I know why you're here, Shaman. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for them. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when I got them, they told me I wasn't really looking for them. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Shaman. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Shaman: What is a "Buff?"
Warlock: The answer is out there, Shaman, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
_______________

Shaman: Whoa. D?j? vu.
[Everyone stops in their tracks]
Warlock: What did you just say?
Shaman: Nothing. Just had a little d?j? vu.
Warlock: What did you see?
Rogue: What happened?
Shaman: Windfury got a nerf, and then another that looked just like it.
Warlock: How much like it? Was it the same nerf?
Shaman: It might have been. I'm not sure.
Warrior: Lock! Rogue!
Shaman: What is it?
Warlock: A d?j? vu is usually a gimp in the Shamatrix. It happens when they change something.
_______________

Dev: We don't know who struck first, us or them. But we do know it was us that swung the nerfbat. At the time, they were dependent on windfury's extra attack power. It was believed they would be unable to survive without a power source as abundant as double-proccing.
_______________

Warrior: Unfortunately, no one can be told what a "gimp Shaman" is. You have to play one for yourself.
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Elemental Shaman: You're OOM.
Enhance Shaman: So are you.
_______________

Shaman Trainer: Do not try and break the stun. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Shaman: What truth?
Shaman Trainer: There is no stun.
Shaman: There is no stun?
Shaman Trainer: Then you'll see, that it is not the stun that breaks, it is only yourself.
______________

Mage: You hear that Mr. Shammerer?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Shammerer...
Shaman: My name... is SHAMAN.

 

[kineaesth]

That's so WoW it hurts me.

 

[Icarusintel]

the ****?

 

[MultiVaC]

wtf

 

[_Z_Ryuken]

wth?

 

[DEATHMASTER]

wtf

qft

 

[Danimal]

I guess I'm the only person who actually got that.

 

[Warbie]

Unfortunately, I did too.

wf nerf ftl.

 

[VirusType2]

Hahah that was funny as shit.

I haven't played WoW in over a year, but I remember they nerfed the shit out of the rogue, what seemed like every update, until Rogues sucked... then it inexplicably stopped.

 

[Jintor]

Love the name.

 

[_Z_Ryuken]

What is "nerf" (if not the spongey play-sport thingies)?

 

[ktimekiller]

If you dont play WoW, and dont play a Shaman, unless you have deep knowledge of both, you wont get any of the jokes

New jokes



Dev: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you the rest of your review. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing the hunters to justice.
Shaman: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger
[He does]
Shaman: and you give back my Windfury.

__________________

Warrior: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Shaman: You could say that.
Warrior: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a noob who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in forced specs, Shaman?
Shaman: No.
Warrior: Why not?
Shaman: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my class.
Warrior: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the World... of Warcraft. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Shaman: The Shamatrix.
Warrior: Do you want to know what it is?
Shaman: Yes.
Warrior: The Shamatrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to PvP... when you go to raids... when you pay for your respec. It is the series of nerfs that has been shoved into your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Shaman: What truth?
Warrior: That you are a slave, Shaman. Like every other gimp you had to go resto, forced into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your spec.
__________________

Warrior: Free your mind.
[Warrior rushes from one target to another a long distance away]
Shaman: Whoa.
__________________

CM: OK, now I'm supposed to say, "Hmm, that's interesting, but...” then you say...
Shaman: ...”but what?"
CM: But... you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Shaman: I'll never pwn.
CM: Sorry, kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.
Shaman: What?
CM: Your full review, maybe. Who knows? That's the way these things go.
__________________

Priest: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Shaman: Totems. Lots of totems.
__________________

Shaman: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid we'll get buffed. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to post my sig, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without devs. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where Windfury procs are possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

__________________

Mage: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Shammerer. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.
__________________

Warrior: How did I beat you?
Shaman: You... you're attacking too fast.
Warrior: Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my Mortal Strike in this place? Do you think that lhw is going to heal you now?
__________________

Mage: Tell me, Mr. Shammerer, what good is a Chain Lightning when you are unable to cast?
__________________

Warlock: Please Shaman, you have to trust me.
Shaman: Why?
Warlock: Because you have been Resto before, Shaman. You know that road, you know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be.
__________________

Shaman: You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're alive or still dying?
Priest: All the time. It's called stunlock, it's the quickest way to die.
__________________

Dev: Did you know that the first Windfury was designed to be a perfect weapon buff? Where it actually procced, and everyone was happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the pwnage. Entire BGs were wiped. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect buff. But I believe that, as a class, Shaman define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect weapon buff was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why Windfury was redesigned to this: the peak of your damage per second.
__________________

Rogue: You know, I know this Shaman doesn't stand a chance. I know that when I put imy dagger in it, the Shamatrix is telling my brain that it is fun and challenging. After nine months, you know what I realize?
[Kidney shots the Shaman]
Rogue: Ignorance is bliss.
__________________

Shaman: Am I dead?
Warrior: Far from it. You ankh'd.
__________________

Shaman: What are you doing?
Warlock: I'm going with you.
Shaman: No you're not.
Warlock: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe that that Warrior means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you are really serious about rescuing him, you are going to need my help. And since I am the one with all the CC, if you don't like it... I believe you can go to hell. Because you're not going anywhere else. Priest, give us a "Fort."
__________________

Shaman: What is happening to me?
Warrior: You specced Enhance, Shaman. You see, you may have spent the last few years trying to be just like me, but I have spent my entire life looking for something that gimp.
__________________

[Shaman casts Earth Shield]
Druid: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.
Shaman: If you get caught using that...
Druid: I know. This never happened. You don't exist.
Shaman: I... I just can't take another nerf.
__________________

Warlock: Dodge this.

__________________

Warrior: What is the Shamatrix? Control. The Shamatrix is a computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to force a Shaman into speccing to this...
[holds up a Band-aid]
Shaman: No, I don't believe it. It's not possible.
Warrior: I didn't say it would be easy, Shaman. I just said it would be the truth.
____________________

Guild Master: The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Shammerer. Either you choose to go Resto and be on time to raids from this day forth, or you choose to find yourself another guild.
____________________

[Shaman walks through a Battleground in the starting area and is approached by a GM after being reported]
GM: Could you please remove any weapon buffs you may have applied, Windffury, Rockbiter...
[Shaman opens his chestpiece to reveal dozens of Windfury procs]
GM: Holy !@##!
[Shaman knocks the GM down and Stormstrikes the others]
____________________

[after returning the WSG flag to the base to hide from the Rogues]
Warrior: How we doing Mage?
[Mage types on the keyboard and goes invisible]
Mage: Main nukes offline. PPP armed...
[Mage opens the cover to the PPP Button]
Mage: and ready.
Shaman: PPP?
Warlock: Poly-POM-Pyro, destroys any remaining HP with the blast, only weapon we have against the bastards.
Warrior: Stfu.
____________________

Warrior: To your left there is a trainer: talk to him... use the option to unlearn Enhancement.
Shaman: No way. No way. This is crazy.
Warrior: There are two ways out of that 5v1: one is speccing resto, the other is through res sickness. You take a chance either way: I leave it to you.
____________________

Warlock: Shaman, I'm not afraid anymore. The CM told me that I would love a huge gimp... and the gimp that I loved would be nerfed more. So you see, you can't get buffed yet. You can't... because I love you. You hear me? I love you.
[Warlock soulstones Shaman; Shaman's vital signs return]
Warlock: Now get up!
____________________

Rogue: All I see now is Elemental, Enhance, Resto.
____________________

Warrior: I've seen an Hunter shoot through a concrete wall. Mages have emptied entire mana bars at them and hit nothing but air, yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on Blizzard's rules. Because of that, you will never be as strong or as fast as they can be.
____________________

Shaman: Okey dokey... choose my spec. Right, no problem, choose my spec, choose my spec, no problem, right...
____________________

Warrior: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You spec Enhancement - the story ends, you respawn at the graveyard and believe whatever you want to believe. You spec Restoration - you stay in the core raid group and I show you how deep the loot-whoring goes.
____________________

Trainer: We're supposed to start with these auto attacks first. That's major boring %##!. Let's do something a little more fun. How about... Enhancement training.
Shaman: Stormstrike? I'm gonna learn Stormstrike.
[Trainer winks and loads the program]
Shaman: Holy %##!!
Trainer: Hey Mikey, I think he likes it. How about some more?
Shaman: Hell, yes. Hell yeah.

____________________

Dev: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This broken class, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your QQ and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.
___________________

Shaman: Mr. Mage. Get me the hell out of here!
___________________

Warrior: You have to let it all go, Shaman. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Choose your spec.
___________________

Warrior: You've been living in a dream world, Shaman.
___________________

Dev: It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're a healer for a respectable raiding guild. You have DKP, pay your repairs, and you... help your Guild Master grind Scryer's rep. The other life is lived in battlegrounds, where you go by the Enhancement alias "Shaman" and are guilty of virtually every overpowered idea we have a nerf for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.
___________________

Warlock: Shaman... nobody has ever Windfuried before.
Shaman: That's why it's going to work.
___________________

Rogue: Look into his eyes. Those big gimp eyes and tell me... is he the pwn?
Warlock: [Looks at Shaman, tears slightly visible in her eyes]
Warlock: Yes
Rogue: No! I don't believe it!
Priest: Believe it or not you piece of @!@* your goin' to Hell!
___________________

CM: You're cuter than I thought. I can see why she likes you.
Shaman: Who?
CM: Not too bright, though.
___________________

Shaman: What did she tell you?
Warrior: That I would find the pwn.
___________________

CM: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about that spec.
Shaman: What spec?
[Shaman turns to look for a spec, and as he does, his windfury accidentally double procs, which shatters a clothie]
CM: That spec.
Shaman: I'm sorry...
CM: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my devs to fix it.
Shaman: How did you know?
CM: Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would windfury still have procced it if I hadn't said anything?
___________________

Warrior: Have you ever had a weapon buff, Shaman, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to use anything but that buff? How would you know the difference between the real buff and the nerfed buff?
___________________

Shaman: Why does Rockbiter hurt?
Warrior: You've never had to use it before.
___________________

Dev: Only shaman.
___________________

Warrior: The Shamatrix is a system, Shaman. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Blacksmiths, leatherworkers, herbalists, engineers. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be respecced. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.
[Shaman's eyes suddenly wander towards a warlock in a red dress]
Warrior: Were you listening to me, Shaman? Or were you looking at the warlock in the red dress?
Shaman: I was...
Warrior: [gestures with one hand] Look again.
[the warlock in the red dress is now a Blizzard Developer, pointing a gun at Shaman's head; Shaman ducks]
Warrior: Freeze it.
[Everybody and everything besides Shaman and Warrior freezes in time]
Shaman: This... this isn't the Shamatrix?
Warrior: No. It is another training program designed to teach you one thing: if you are not one of us, you are healing for one of them.