The Wild Wastelands

Sloth

Tank
Joined
Jan 7, 2005
Messages
2,832
Reaction score
8
*I was playing HL 2 again and as I got off the train I saw/heard a woman asking if her husband was on the train that Freeman got off. Saying something about how the Combine took him when they were on the train coming to City 17. This is his story.
If I get one or two good reviews I’ll continue posting at least once a fortnight, maybe. Please note, i wrote this a while ago, i might re-write it if it really sucks :hmph: *

Chapter 1
“You Have Chosen or been Chosen…”

Her black hair rested against my shoulder, she looked beautiful as she slept. The train crept slowly through the night. The other people on the train slept uneasily on old plastic benches, one old man in the corner snored keeping Brian awake. He seemed to be one of the few of the relocated awake. The Gas-masked guard trudged over to the next carriage to maintain the already maintained peace. Being relocated was a pain many people had to go through, but not many lashed out during the process. Brian closed his eyes, trying to get back to sleep but something nudged the back of his mind, like he knew something was going to happen.

Suddenly the train screeched to a halt. The lights in the train blew out and darkness enveloped the carriage. Flashes of green light illuminated the train.
“Portal Storms!” The man next to Brian whispered under his breath, he glanced at Brian and spoke again.
“You awake,” Brian raised his eyes to the man, “It seems so, ok I’ll talk quick, a Portal just opened somewhere over there,” he pointed to Brian’s left, “Xen fauna and flora will be pouring out of there until the Portal closes so we better watch ourselves. I always sneak a knife past customs, so that could help. And my name’s Adam by the way. Been relocated seventeen times”
“I’m Brian; they won’t be able to get inside the train though?” Brian said as he shook Adam’s hand.
“We can only hope.”
Another flash of green light lit up a strange two-legged animal feasting on what appeared to be a head-crab. Some of the other members of the train were now looking out the window at the weird scene.
“Hey Mummy, that’s a bull-squid,” a little child said as he pointed at the beast eating the head-crab, “Mummy can I have one, please.” The child’s face turned puppy-like as he tugged on his mother’s arm. The other relocated citizens stared out the windows on either side, a murmur spread amongst the carriage.

The carriage door opened and two of the Combine Guards stepped forward into the carriage. Their faces showed no fear, gas-masks blocking all emotion. The lead guard glanced around the room his stare penetrated Brian, as if he was studying him.
“Citizens, as you may have noticed the Train has stopped, on account of the Portal Storms. The rail-road tracks are blocked by a form of Xen plant-life. To remove this flora the Overwatch will need the assistance of two citizens.” The officer paused as he looked around the room, “You!” The Combine Guard pointed a gloved finger at Brian, “And You,” His glove moved to the man by Brian’s side, Adam.

The two citizens moved to the end of the carriage, were they where pushed off the Train.
“Um, Sir,” Brian asked the Combine closest to him, “Why me?”
“Citizen, you will speak when spoken to!” The guard barked back.
Adam was pushed into Brian as they walked along the side of the Train, he whispered into Brian’s ear.
 
Sorry Evilsloth. I didn't mean to neglect your fic. :o

I'm glad to see someone addressing this story idea. I've always wondered about that part in the game and wanted to come up with something. Ok, critique time...

Your first sentence is in first person and then you switch to third. Watch those changes.

I had a couple of problems with the following bit. I think there should be a question mark after "awake" and the punctuation needs a little work as he continues to speak. Short sentences can add to the sense of urgency. Such as...
“You awake?” Brian raised his eyes to the man. “Looks like it. Okay, I’ll talk quick. A Portal just opened somewhere over there,” he pointed to Brian’s left...
I know you are setting up the start here, but you are skipping over some great oppotunities to describe Brian's feelings of apprehension and confusion. How does he react? How does his beloved wife react to him being selected to "assist" the soldiers? Is Adam a confident hero-type or a wild-eyed loony?

I liked the part with the child and the bullsquid and I like your overall premise. I understand it's something that you wrote a while ago so please don't feel like I'm judging you harshly. I look forward to any additions to your story. :D
 
That's cool,i've taken the idea, and started it again from a new POV, a bit further in time, having flashbacks, will be finished soon... (when it's done)
 
Nice to see you're still working on it!

I'd agree with tinyxipe (as always), and I'd add that if you tried to vary your language a bit more your otherwise competent descriptions would flow a bit better- for example, using "awake" and "something" twice in the same paragraph felt a little clunky.

I'm definitely looking forward to seeing your next incarnation though!
 
I might bother this weekend, it's become a good idea, as i might be using it for my MOD once we get going.

I'll post it under the same thread.
:thumbs:
 
A storyline Problem

In the game the women says that CP stopped the train and took the guy for questioning not to remove anything from the tracks.
 
meh, it just got the creativeness going, that's all.

thanks, for reminding me to do the next instalement, different plotline
 
Back
Top