Uprising!

[Atomic_Piggy]

Okay, this is my first attempt at a fan-fic, so could I have feedback please?



Prologue
It was so dark. So cold. James Parnell couldn’t remember the last time he had smelt fresh air. No he could. It was before the Combine came. He could still barley remember such a time. The Combine drugged the water supply. Dr. Wallace Breen, the Combine’s traitorous human liaison, put it down as the Combine getting rid of your bad memories. “Forget your past, for it is a stage that no human will want to remember once we have transformed into beings of immortality”. James didn’t know about anyone else, but well, he would rather die free than live eternally under the Combine’s fist.
“Alert: Five minutes until City 17 central platform. Repeat: Five minutes until City 17 central platform,” the voice on the trains speaker blared. James picked up his suitcase, and prepared himself. There were bound to be Civil Protection or “Metro Cops” waiting to pounce upon him should he place one toe out of line. The others in the carriage were composing themselves too. As they passed through a tunnel, a Vortiguant in shackles shuffled in, taking litter off the floor, then slowly making his way back to the hind carriage.
James stared ahead. There was a platform up ahead. City 17. Home of the resistance. Ever since he was a little boy he had wanted to join. They were secretive though, so he never got the chance.
The doors slid open as the train ground to a halt. Dr. Breen’s voice filtered into everyone’s ears. “Welcome, to City 17…”

Chapter 1: New Perspective
12:30. By now, James was waiting in line to see where his next destination would be. He was two stops away from the Officer in charge of his fate. One citizen was sent to the City centre, and the next. James swallowed. It was his turn. The officer pointed to the left. He turned and looked. A razor tren. Nova Prospekt. “Look, this must be a mistake”, he pleaded with the officer. “I haven’t volunteered for Overwatch.” He said.
“No. You have been meeting with the resistance. Don’t play dumb with me, you were at Crosswalks avenue when the rebels launched a raid against those CP’s in City 20.” The officer retorted.
“I was going to my tenement block!” Screamed James. Suddenly, he was grabbed by the arms and dragged along to the station. “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I can’t become one of them, no! My whole family was transformed into those inhuman monsters. No.” James began crying. He had been allowed to visit his family once. Their eyes. His daughter, his son, and his wife. Stalkers. Monsters. He felt the pod close around him, and the gas was released. He drifted from consciousness.

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

He woke within the dark carriage of the Razor Tren. It was slowing down. Through the slits in the roof he could see he was in “The Depot” as it was called. It was silent. “Hey buddy”, a voice from the right startled him. The guy was blonde, with blue eyes. He had a scar on his face. “Don’t show the Combine your scared. Don’t ever show fear. They prey upon the weak. They prey upon the fearful. And we can resist.”
“I was never part of the resistance. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” James returned.
“Maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe they’ll kill us.”
Before James could reply, the sound of a gun echoed everywhere. He heard a Prison Guard request for backup, then a female’s voice. “Gordon, there you are.”
Gordon Freeman? Here? Alive? Maybe there was hope.
But maybe there wasn’t. Gordon and the female were talking, and their voices and footsteps getting further and further away. There was an electrical blast, a door opening, and a lift going down. Then silence.

He woke again. This time his pod was being lifted out of the carriage. But sparks flew off the arm, and it groaned and stopped. Fire filled the lower Depot. A blue light illuminated the place. Then, an orb of white came shooting out, melting the walls and getting ever closer…

Chapter 2: The resistance
James awoke on a bed. His eyes shot open. The sky was bright. He was on a mat, on sand.
“James Parnell right?” came a voice. It was the scarred guy. “Its alright the Vorts told us”, he continued, gesturing at two Vortigaunts.
“Then it is true,” James said with awe. The resistance had Vorts in too!

 

[_Z_Ryuken]

smelt (smelled) No he could. (Not a proper sentence) barley (barely) ...
James stared ahead. There was a platform up ahead. (Try not to repeat words like this) ...One citizen was sent to the City centre, and the next. (The next what?) A razor tren. (A what?) Their eyes. (You use too many incomplete sentences) His daughter, his son, and his wife. Stalkers. Monsters. (Way too many) He felt the pod close around him, (Pod?) and the gas was released. (He farted?)

He woke (awoke) within the dark carriage of the Razor Tren. (What the hell is a Razor Tren?) ...“Don’t show the Combine your (you're) scared. ...There was an electrical blast, a door opening, and a lift going down. Then silence. (Whatever just happened was incredibly random)
...He woke again. (When did he go to sleep?)

Try to use more descriptive text concerning the surroundings and people and actions.

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

Well, the Razor Tren is what the guide calls the Nova Prospekt trains.
Anyway, I have taken in your advice, is this one any better? (BTW, sorry for lack of action and backstory it'll come )
EDIT: Also, I am aware there is too much speech, but it couldn't be helped.


Chapter 2: The resistance
James awoke on a bed. His eyes shot open. The sky was bright. He was on a mat, on sand.
“James Parnell right?” came a voice. It was the scarred guy. “Its alright the Vorts told us”, he continued, gesturing at two Vortigaunts.
“Then it is true,” James said with awe. The resistance had Vorts in too!
Fires were lit, causing shadows to dance upon the cavern walls. James chuckled at this, remembering one of Breen’s speeches. There was no roof, and as a result he could see the sky. It was clear blue. It was beautiful, he thought to himself as he remembered the grey sky in the Cities. The Citadel still dominated the skyline, though it was not as foreboding as usual.
“I’m John by the way, John Cooper. I was probably sent to Nova Prospect because of a raid I did in City 16. 6 Civil Protection units dead,” the scarred man explained. James let out a low whistle. 6!
“The destruction of Nova Prospect has afforded us hope, and the uprising has begun in City 17. The Vortigaunts are not so hopeful though.” James continued, an excited look coming to his face when he mentioned the uprising.
“Of course we are not hopeful”, came a heavily accented voice to the right. It was a Vort. “We have lost all dear to us. As if not bad enough, The Eli Vance, a human that almost surpasses the All-In-One, has been taken to the Combine’s throne on Earth.”
“He means the Citadel,” John explained needlessly.
“Yes. What is more is that The Free Man and The daughter of The EliVance are not on Earth.”
“What, Gordon Freeman?” James exclaimed.
“Alyx Vance? She’s too sexy too die. Someday some lucky fella will-” he was cut off by the Vort.
“They are in a state of limbo, we do not know when they will return,” the Vort offered.
“Either way, we should bail to the City,” John said.
At that moment, the Vortigaunt leaned forward, his face mere centimetres from James’.
“Ar hala galam.” It growled, and then walked to a small red box on the floor. It opened it, a rather cumbersome task for a creature with two fingers, and pulled out something. It looked like a turd with blue spores hanging off. Wait, it was! The Vort handed it to James.
“The Pheropods will be most useful in avoiding contact with the Antlions,” the hunchbacked alien explained.
“Er, thanks,” James said.

 

[_Z_Ryuken]

I'll re-write this line here to give you an idea of proper story structure.

James awoke on a bed. His eyes shot open. The sky was bright. He was on a mat, on sand.

"James awoke abruptly, the sun glaring into his weary, spasticly adjusting eyes. The sky was bright blue and clear, with intense light refracting off the sand particles surrounding him. He perished the thought of sandy trousers, for a comfy mat lay beneath him."

That may or may not be accurate to your story but it gives you the gist of things.

It is important to be very descriptive of even seemingly insignificant actions or objects. Telling a story is not about just getting to the good parts, but making every part good.

I can see in this passage you did a little better, but you are a little too straightforward, explaining things as cause and effect, which is not very artistic.

Fires were lit, causing shadows to dance upon the cavern walls. James chuckled at this, remembering one of Breen’s speeches. There was no roof, and as a result he could see the sky.

"Some fires were kindled, and as shadows danced upon the cavern walls James chuckled to himself recalling a certain Breencast. (Maybe explain why he chuckled, why he recalled a breencast, or what speech in particular)
(Why is there no roof in a cavern?) He gazed up into the clear blue day, contemplating it's beauty in comparison to the dull grey skies of the ruinous cities."

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

Dude, you sound like a proffesional writer.
Jesus. Thanks, I'll bear that in mind for the next part thanks.

 

[Sloth]

The most annoying thing is having a good idea which doesn't reach as far as it can go - the easiest thing to do is just to practise descriptive writing till it hurts, then it just begins to weave into your writing without trying...

Good Luck, sounds cool so far

 

[Rennmniscant]

I think you'll find that a "Razor Tren" is actually pronounced, and written as "Razor Train". Check the filenames in the mdl folders if you're not sure.

I think it's too breif. Too much happening in too little words. Add in that description and all that jazz, and see where that puts ya. Better than some I've read though Good job