Whatever happened to jokes?

Shakermaker

Shakermaker

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Man walks into a bar ....

Is it me or is the joke in danger of getting extinct? It must have been ages since I heared a joke, let alone a good one. It could be coz of teh internets or TV or whatever, but it definitely is out of fashion. Does anyone else have the same experience?


btw What's green and sliding down a mountain real fast?

a skiwi
 
Two awful jokes -

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the fight at the fish and chip shop?

The fish got battered.

Shens actually posted a really good joke in that pun thread, it takes a while to read though :p
 
Two muffins are in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Boy, sure is hot in here!". The other turns around and yells "Ah! A talking muffin!"
 
JiMmEh said:
Shens actually posted a really good joke in that pun thread, it takes a while to read though :p
Click to expand...
That pun claimed far too much of my life... :LOL:


Personally, I'm into 'Tom Said's':

"Doc, Doc! I've got no left ventricle!" Tom said half-heartedly.

"I'm waiting for the leap year," Tom said lackadaisically.

"I've set the rear of the attic aflame," Tom fired back loftily.

"I used to own this gold mine!" Tom exclaimed.

"I need to be careful not to add too much water," Tom said with great concentration.

"I won't take another ham radio test!" Tom said without remorse.

-----------------------------------------

:E
 
there was a bear that clmibed to a tree and he falls to the ground

you liked the joke?

no?

the bear neither
 
jabberwock95 said:
That pun claimed far too much of my life... :LOL:


Personally, I'm into 'Tom Said's':

"Doc, Doc! I've got no left ventricle!" Tom said half-heartedly.

"I'm waiting for the leap year," Tom said lackadaisically.

"I've set the rear of the attic aflame," Tom fired back loftily.

"I used to own this gold mine!" Tom exclaimed.

"I need to be careful not to add too much water," Tom said with great concentration.

"I won't take another ham radio test!" Tom said without remorse.

-----------------------------------------

:E
Click to expand...
Those arn't very good ones.
"We'll have to amputate" the doctor said off-handedly
"I can't remember any others" ríomhaire said disapointedly
 
If a gown is evening wear, what's a suit of armor?

Silverware.
 
Q: What should you never do with invisible ink?

A:

----------------------------

Techniques to try when your computer doesn't work:
1) "Audio repair technique" - shout at it
2) "Vibrationary adjustment" - shake it
3) "Percussive therapy" - hit it
4) "Hot swap repair" - switch it for someone else's, when no one is looking
5) "Optical stimulation" - stare at it real hard hoping it magically works
6) "Gravimetric adjustment" - drop it out a window
 
jabberwock95 said:
Techniques to try when your computer doesn't work:
1) "Audio repair technique" - shout at it
2) "Vibrationary adjustment" - shake it
3) "Percussive therapy" - hit it
4) "Hot swap repair" - switch it for someone else's, when no one is looking
5) "Optical stimulation" - stare at it real hard hoping it magically works
6) "Gravimetric adjustment" - drop it out a window
Click to expand...


#5 usually works for me.
 
This is kind of a long joke, but I like it:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.
 
It seems I am wrong. I got a couple of good laughs out of it tho.

What do you call a smart blonde?

a golden retriever
 
Two Americans walk past McDonald's
You'd think one of them would have seen it
 
Shakermaker said:
Is it me or is the joke in danger of getting extinct?


btw What's green and sliding down a mountain real fast?

a skiwi
Click to expand...
Quoted for explanation.
 
So three women die in a car crash and go to heaven. They're at the pearly gates when that guy St Peter (Or something) walks up and tells them that if they step on any of his ducks, they will be chained to an ugly, ugly man for eternity.

So the first woman stepped on a duck as SOON as they walked in, as you see, ducks are everywhere in heaven. So St Peter comes up with an ugly, ugly man and chains him to her for eternity.

The second woman lasted a week and a half, and suffered the same fate.

The last lady lasted years and never stepped on one, St Peter chains her to a handsom man and she asks "Why amd I being chained to this man?" and the man replied "I don't know but I just stepped on a duck..."





And now for a random story

Frankin and his mathematically elite, heat-seeking toe-nail cutt0rs.

One fine day there was a dieseased yet healthy young teenag0r called "FRANKIN!1" who had a mathematically elite, heat-seeking toe-nail cutt0r.

They laughed and played and were the best of friends. Until one day FRANKIN!1 realised he could make money out of the clipper. So he exploits it with a large variety of assorted nuts and plate mail chairs.

The toe-nail cutt0r was pretty pissed off so he attacked FRANKIN!1 with his eyelashes and prepared to devour him.

So you see, kids. The moral of the story is:

Children everywhere yell and scream when they wish they could become superman after watching over 60 hours of the ABC news straight.
 
3 men get lost in the jungle and come across a tribe. They get on well with the tribe but after 3 weeks they have to a test.

First they are told to go into the jungle and get 10 pieces of fruit. After 1/2 an hour 2 of them come back, the first with 10 apples, the second with 10 grapes.

They then are told to shove their fruit up their ass without flinching or showing any emotion.

The first man flinches on the first apple and is killed. The second is on his last grape when he suddenly bursts out laughing and is killed.

The second man finds the first in heaven and asks "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
To which he replyed
"The other guy was coming out with pineapples"
 
So, a snail gets the crap beaten out of him by a turtle, and the snail ends up in the hospital. While he's in the hospital, his buddies come by and ask "what did the the turtle look like, we're going to go beat the crap out of him." The snail replied "I dont know, it all happened so fast."

stupid but funny for some reason.

:LOL:


Why do catholic boys always have their hair parted in the middle?

From the priests rubbing their heads saying "It's not a sin."

:LOL:

Why do black people always have sex on their minds?

Becuase they have pubic hair growing out of their heads.

:LOL:

When is bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

:LOL:

What to Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

They both like their childrens pants half off.

:LOL:

What do you call four mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro cinco

:LOL:

Feel free to ban me.
 
A bear walks into a bar.......ouch.


Thats gotta be the worst joke.....
 
have you heard the joke about the vacuum?



nevermind its sucks.


what do you call a guy with no arms & legs that floats in the water?

"BOB"

what do you call a woman with a wooden foot?

"PEG"

what do you call a women with one leg shorter than the other?

" ILENE"
 
Quadrapalegic jokes!

What do you call one in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call one in a hot tub?
Stu

What do you call one beneath a pile of leaves?
Russel

What do you call one behind a ski boat?
Skip

What do you call one beneath a car?
Jack

I've been laughing at these jokes since I was in fourth grade.
 
Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."
Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."

__________________


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." Thus the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?"

The bartender looks and finds a glumy looking man.

"Well, I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"
 
fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.
fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.
if fuzzy wuzzy wasnt fuzzy,
was he bare?

shoot me now
 
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