Woud like some suggestions....

[15357]

Hey guys, I have to write something in the Opinions section of an Korean newspaper published in English, because my school requires me to, and I need you guys to read it and make some suggestions. No need for fact-checking or opinion differences , just the grammer, vocab, and other structure issues, and the general thing itself. Also, it might get longer as this is only the first draft that I wrote in an hour.

Thanks in advance

And here goes: (Oh, hadn't been able to make a title for it, need suggestions for that too)
================================

Over the past century, the free world has battled the oppressors and the tyrants, from Hitler and Stalin to the more modern-day despots such as Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. The fight for the protection of liberty around the globe is an endeavor that requires the support of all nations in the ranks of the free. Recently, we had asked ourselves (with the topic of sending combat troops into Afghanistan) if we wished to partake in that quest for justice. The answer, shamefully enough, was no. We would merely be sending our reconstruction aides, and the minimal amount of manpower we could afford to send.

I have to ask: Are we not members of the human race? Is this nation not a member of the international community? If we are, then why are we so hesitant to help our allies in their struggle to rid the world of the common enemies of Man, and free the oppressed from the jackboot of religious tyranny? It is not because our armed forces are weak; our allies would not have asked unless we were cut up to their expectations. Nor is it because we cannot afford it; we have the 13th largest economy in the world, with living standards high enough to be a member of the OECD. This hesitancy might be excused, if we were helping by other means. But no, our international aid has always been minimal, an amount just 3% that of Japan’s, making it the lowest figure in the OECD.

Have we forgotten the days that we had depended on such help from the international community, such as the Korean War in 1950 or the US aid package that we lived on for the next decade? Many people around the world suffer in abject poverty, despotisms, disease, and the horrors committed by religious extremists using them as human shields. There are little children today who wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land, in hunger and thirst, their wounded feet staining with blood the ground that they walk upon. Entire families have had their hopes blasted, and their lives blighted by militant groups that prey upon them. Have we no compassion? Have we no sense of justice?

Of course, it could be argued that we should not risk the lives of our young men. No doubt war is a terrible thing; smiling fields covered with the pale forms of the patriot dead, and the roar of the guns drowned out by the shrieks of the wounded writhing in pain. But such is the price of freedom’s survival. Many have sacrificed themselves for us in that fateful war in 1950. Now it is our turn to participate in the fight, so that justice among nations might prevail and mankind may enjoy freedom and inherit peace.
As the saying goes, you reap from what you sow, and without a doubt, if we make the right choice, the harvest shall be a good one.
===============================

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you have. This is kinda important.

*braces for constructive criticism and flames*

 

[VirusType2]

Some really good words, some that I don't even know, but probably should.

- but it's strangely written. Lots of questions. It's kind of patronizing or something. Like whoever is reading it must be the bad guy. It's very propaganda-ish.

But who cares, if that's you, then don't let people write your paper.

Just put a space between paragraphs.

 

[15357]

Some really good words, some that I don't even know, but probably should.

- but it's strangely written. Lots of questions. It's kind of patronizing or something. Like whoever is reading it must be the bad guy. It's very propaganda-ish.

But who cares, if that's you, then don't let people write your paper.

Just put a space between paragraphs.

Yeah... I guess I'm too much used to the whole "propaganda" style of writing... Ok, perhaps less questions and less anger.

 

[VirusType2]

You can have questions if that's the only way it works, but you should make statements, if you know them to be true.

We are members of the human race.

'are we not'? isn't necessary

 

[Eejit]

I wouldn't classify Osama as an oppressor or tyrant since he never really ruled any regions afaik.

 

[15357]

You can have questions if that's the only way it works, but you should make statements, if you know them to be true.

We are members of the human race.

'are we not'? isn't necessary

Got it. :thumbs:

I wouldn't classify Osama as an oppressor or tyrant since he never really ruled any regions afaik.

Oh yeah..... Need a new guy then. :frog:

 

[Dodo]

Got it. :thumbs:



Oh yeah..... Need a new guy then. :frog:

Kim?

-dodo

 

[CptStern]

Over the past century, the free world has battled the oppressors and the tyrants,

drop "the"

from Hitler and Stalin to the more modern-day despots such as Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden.

Osama is not a despot, he does not rule a country

The fight for the protection of liberty around the globe is an endeavor that requires the support of all nations in the ranks of the free.

the last part is awkward, I'd suggest dropping it as it's redundant

Recently, we had asked ourselves (with the topic of sending combat troops into Afghanistan) if we wished to partake in that quest for justice.

ok you set this "quest for justice" without explaining why ..you could simply leave it unexplained by saying "their quest for justice"

The answer, shamefully enough, was no. We would merely be sending our reconstruction aides, and the minimal amount of manpower we could afford to send.

you've going to have to get into more detail as to why it's a shame

I have to ask: Are we not members of the human race? Is this nation not a member of the international community?

what does this have to do with anything? this is not a compleling argument unless you provide reasons as to why those that you are fighting are worth fighting. all you've given is a vague idea of what you're fighting

If we are, then why are we so hesitant to help our allies in their struggle to rid the world of the common enemies of Man

this sounds like you're fighting animals or aliens. the terrorists are also fighting for their goals, they are also men

, and free the oppressed from the jackboot of religious tyranny? It is not because our armed forces are weak; our allies would not have asked unless we were cut up to their expectations.

this is kind of awkward phrasing

Nor is it because we cannot afford it; we have the 13th largest economy in the world, with living standards high enough to be a member of the OECD. This hesitancy might be excused, if we were helping by other means.

you just finished saying korea is helping in afghanistan in a non combat role. you just contradicted yourself

But no, our international aid has always been minimal, an amount just 3% that of Japan’s, making it the lowest figure in the OECD.

this is completely unrelated to your point. international aid is not the same as sending troops into a war zone. it's not even comparable

Have we forgotten the days that we had depended on such help from the international community, such as the Korean War in 1950 or the US aid package that we lived on for the next decade? Many people around the world suffer in abject poverty, despotisms, disease, and the horrors committed by religious extremists using them as human shields.

drop the last part because you're implying the use of human shields is widespread throughout the world ..I understand what you're trying to say but "human shield" is associated with one thing in particular; directly putting innocents in front of you in the face of firepower. technically it's not true

There are little children today who wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land, in hunger and thirst, their wounded feet staining with blood the ground that they walk upon.

awkward phrasing. drop "unfriended" ..it's uncommmon enough to be questioned as to whether it's a real word or not. "their wounded feet staining with blood the ground that they walk upon" ..come on this sounds so exxagerated as to not be believeable ..and still what does hunger, thirst, bloody feet have to do with the war on terror?

Entire families have had their hopes blasted, and their lives blighted by militant groups that prey upon them. Have we no compassion? Have we no sense of justice?

you have to tie the above sentence to your point. so far you've been advocating humanitarian aid instead of fighting against terrorism

Of course, it could be argued that we should not risk the lives of our young men. No doubt war is a terrible thing;

drop the rest, it sounds a little unhinged:

smiling fields covered with the pale forms of the patriot dead, and the roar of the guns drowned out by the shrieks of the wounded writhing in pain.

not too mention awkward phrasing

But such is the price of freedom’s survival. Many have sacrificed themselves for us in that fateful war in 1950. Now it is our turn to participate in the fight, so that justice among nations might prevail and mankind may enjoy freedom and inherit peace.
As the saying goes, you reap from what you sow, and without a doubt, if we make the right choice, the harvest shall be a good one.

you kind of allude to a harvest of dead bodies and blood. not a compelling picture to paint when talking about "freedom" or the for the good of mankind

 

[Jintor]

I agree with most of stern's points.

 

[Dan]

blue is suggestion
green is correction
red is words to delete

Over the past century, the free world has battled the oppressors and the tyrants: from Hitler and Stalin to Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. The fight for the protection of (repetitive wording) liberty around the globe is an endeavor that (also redundant) requires the support of all nations from the ranks of the free. Recently, we have asked ourselves (on the question of Afghanistan) if we wished to partake in that quest for justice. The answer, shamefully enough, was no. We will merely be sending our reconstruction aides, and the minimal amount of manpower we can afford to send (redundant).

I have to (makes your opinion sound weak)ask: Are we not members of the human race? Is this nation not a member of the international community? If we are, then why are we so hesitant to help our allies in their struggle to rid the world of the common enemies of Man, and free the oppressed from the jackboot of religious (First mention of religion in your essay is very unexplained. You should introduce it first) tyranny? It is not because our armed forces are weak; our allies would not have asked our help if our help was of no consequence. It is not because we cannot afford it; we have the 13th largest economy in the world, with living standards high enough to be a member of the OECD. Our hesitancy might be excused, if we were helping by other means. But it is not so; our international aid has always been minimal, an amount just 3% that of Japan’s, making ours the lowest figure in the OECD.

Have we already forgotten the days when we had depended on such help from the international community? such as The Korean War in 1950 and the US aid package which we lived on for the next decade are two such examples. Many people around the world suffer in abject poverty, despotisms, disease, and the horrors committed by religious extremists using them as human shields. There are little children today who wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land, in hunger and thirst, their wounded feet staining with blood the ground that they walk upon (sounds very melodramatic and vague). Entire families have had their hopes blasted, and their lives blighted by the militant groups that prey upon them. Have we no compassion? Have we no sense of justice?

Of course, it could be argued that we should not risk the lives of our young men. No doubt war is a terrible thing; smiling fields covered with the pale forms of the patriot dead, and the roar of the guns drowned out by the shrieks of the wounded writhing in pain. But such is the price of freedom’s survival. Many have sacrificed themselves for us during that fateful war in 1950. Now it is our turn to participate in the fight, so that justice among nations might prevail, and mankind may enjoy freedom and inherit peace.
As the saying goes, you reap from what you sow, and without a doubt, if we make the right choice, the harvest shall be a good one.

Overall the whole essay kind of wanders a lot in subject and tone. The last half of it doesn't really mention anything from the first half and you never came back around to your original argument... which I thought was about Afghanistan. I think you need to change your approach. Rather than writing from beginning to end as though you were talking, try starting with a skeleton of points that will make up your paper and develop the paragraphs around these points and draw connections between them. Once you have all the ideas set down, then choose the exact words that you will use.

 

[The Monkey]

You assume that "the free world", as you call it, is fighting for justice and liberty, without giving any evidence to support it. Doesn't your teacher want you to back up your arguments?

 

[15357]

Ok, great suggestions. I guess I didn't really plan my writing. I don't think too much when I'm writing, it just kinda comes all out, like I'm vomiting words.


Most of the redundancies come from having to make 500 words.