Democritus
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- Aug 18, 2003
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Ok. I'm a bit bummed about the lack of anything interesting coming from the ATI event, so I write this kind of stuff when I'm bummed.
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Alcatraz, Sept 30th, 2003 -- Today, Valve President Gabe Newell announced that Half Life 2 would no longer be available for the PC or Xbox, but instead would be a live action game hosted on Alcatraz island. "The Alcatraz(r) platform is really the next evolution of gaming," he said. "Immersive, real environments populated with convincing enemies with near human AI." Event goers were presented with a "demo" of the action as Zombies harassed them for the entire evening, keeping everyone from getting properly drunk.
Newell admitted that the Alcatraz(r) platform required some sacrifices. "Most of the flying aliens -- well, most of the aliens period -- had to go. We did have some success using real crabs on bungie cords as headcrabs and painting dogs to look like houndeyes, but PETA threatened to sue so that was that." The weapon arsenal has also been limited to paint ball guns and an array of Nerf weaponry, and the HEV suit is a rain poncho with headphones.
To placate gamers, Gabe announced that they have added additional, frightening enemies, only two of which were revealed at the event: the Dominatrix and the Plastered CEO. While some criticized the Dominatrix enemy as "exploiting women for the sole purpose hogging cash," Newell countered by saying it was alright because his wife didn't mind. Rumor has it that the Half Life 2 on Alcatraz(r) may also feature the dreaded "Strapped for Cash College Student Alien Soldier" and disturbing "People Who Dress Up for Star Wars Movies Assassin."
ATI announced that they were partnering with Valve for the optimization of the Alcatraz(r) system as part of their "We'll Do Anything To Look Cooler Than Nvidia" initiative. While there were no official benchmarks, sources tell us that the Alcatraz(r) platform can only serve about 8 FPH (Fools Per Hour) at current efficiency. Newell explained that there would be no benchmark available to the public as, quite frankly, they couldn't afford to fly a dominatrix out to everyone who was interested in testing the Alcatraz(r) platform at home.
When asked what would become of Steam, Newell turned red, looked away, and said, "Steam? I have no idea what you're talking about." When reminded about Erik Johnson, Counter-Strike, and 500,000 existing users, he returned. "Oh yeah, that. Well, uh, we'll see." We didn't get any word on whether Valve would convert other games over to the Alcatraz(r) platform, though we did see a "Team Fortress 2: Coming Soon" sign painted on a nearby park bench.
When Doug Lombardi was asked about the release date, he adamantly stated, "Half Life 2's release is Holidays 2003 and always has been. Also, the earth is flat, right is wrong, and O.J. Simpson didn't kill anyone." Valve reiterated that there would be no new HL2 media or information as they didn't want to spoil the surprise, let their competitors know more about their new technology, or make their fans excited for the release.
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Alcatraz, Sept 30th, 2003 -- Today, Valve President Gabe Newell announced that Half Life 2 would no longer be available for the PC or Xbox, but instead would be a live action game hosted on Alcatraz island. "The Alcatraz(r) platform is really the next evolution of gaming," he said. "Immersive, real environments populated with convincing enemies with near human AI." Event goers were presented with a "demo" of the action as Zombies harassed them for the entire evening, keeping everyone from getting properly drunk.
Newell admitted that the Alcatraz(r) platform required some sacrifices. "Most of the flying aliens -- well, most of the aliens period -- had to go. We did have some success using real crabs on bungie cords as headcrabs and painting dogs to look like houndeyes, but PETA threatened to sue so that was that." The weapon arsenal has also been limited to paint ball guns and an array of Nerf weaponry, and the HEV suit is a rain poncho with headphones.
To placate gamers, Gabe announced that they have added additional, frightening enemies, only two of which were revealed at the event: the Dominatrix and the Plastered CEO. While some criticized the Dominatrix enemy as "exploiting women for the sole purpose hogging cash," Newell countered by saying it was alright because his wife didn't mind. Rumor has it that the Half Life 2 on Alcatraz(r) may also feature the dreaded "Strapped for Cash College Student Alien Soldier" and disturbing "People Who Dress Up for Star Wars Movies Assassin."
ATI announced that they were partnering with Valve for the optimization of the Alcatraz(r) system as part of their "We'll Do Anything To Look Cooler Than Nvidia" initiative. While there were no official benchmarks, sources tell us that the Alcatraz(r) platform can only serve about 8 FPH (Fools Per Hour) at current efficiency. Newell explained that there would be no benchmark available to the public as, quite frankly, they couldn't afford to fly a dominatrix out to everyone who was interested in testing the Alcatraz(r) platform at home.
When asked what would become of Steam, Newell turned red, looked away, and said, "Steam? I have no idea what you're talking about." When reminded about Erik Johnson, Counter-Strike, and 500,000 existing users, he returned. "Oh yeah, that. Well, uh, we'll see." We didn't get any word on whether Valve would convert other games over to the Alcatraz(r) platform, though we did see a "Team Fortress 2: Coming Soon" sign painted on a nearby park bench.
When Doug Lombardi was asked about the release date, he adamantly stated, "Half Life 2's release is Holidays 2003 and always has been. Also, the earth is flat, right is wrong, and O.J. Simpson didn't kill anyone." Valve reiterated that there would be no new HL2 media or information as they didn't want to spoil the surprise, let their competitors know more about their new technology, or make their fans excited for the release.
sooth a gamers sole:cheers: in these hard times we're facing.
