An essay I wrote for school

[JellyWorld]

I know this has -absolutely- nothing to do with HL2, but I want some feedback on an essay I wrote today in about four hours and I can't think of a better forum than this to post it in. If a mod thinks this is in the wrong place feel free to move it.

http://www.jia-han.net/downloads/water.doc

Sorry for hosting it offsite, but the school's a bitch about plagiarism and I'll be in trouble if one of my essays showed up on the Internet, it'll be a lot easier to prove it's mine if I hosted it on my own site. Thanks in advance

I haven't written in two years so I'm a little rusty, so don't be too harsh on me :/

 

[Sloth]

Holy shit! That blew my socks off...

What was the topic of the essay?

I've been trying to find a good Post-Nuke book, anything that's like what you wrote would hit the spot.

 

[JellyWorld]

Holy shit! That blew my socks off...

What was the topic of the essay?

I've been trying to find a good Post-Nuke book, anything that's like what you wrote would hit the spot.

"Water"

 

[Sloth]

Oh, that works...

Wait till the better literacy greats stop by, you might have the essay edited a bit. From what i saw it looks fine, but i'm a writer myself so i won't pick up on small things

 

[Darkwolf]

We need someone like Edcrab or Betamaster, sorry but I dont have time to read it myself atm

 

[[email protected]]

WOW! that is awsome

 

[Krabjuice]

Uh, thats not an essay >_> Its a story.

 

[BetaMaster]

We need someone like Edcrab or Betamaster, sorry but I dont have time to read it myself atm

Hiya -waves-

Overall, I thought this was a remarkably well-written story. One minor problem I noticed, while reading, is that the narrator alternates between writing with a very formal manner of speaking, to using slang, such as 'No dice'.

Besides that, this story was very interesting, and had me reading until the end. It portrays an in-depth, realistic view of a person trying to survive in a harsh world after nuclear fallout.

One thing, however: Is there any other surviving humans? This doesn't mention any sort of interaction at all, save for the person in the first entry who had died.

Now, this is something that confused me..Your first entry is June 4th. Your second entry is June 1st. Your last entry is June 4th (5th? 6th?). What date is the first entry supposed to be? As I'm writing this, it seems you might have intended it to be that the first entry goes between June 3rd and the final entry. You may want to either clarify that, or else change the order. A journal wouldn't be kept out of order.

No real grammatical errors that I noticed, though. Great job!

 

[JellyWorld]

Hiya -waves-

Overall, I thought this was a remarkably well-written story. One minor problem I noticed, while reading, is that the narrator alternates between writing with a very formal manner of speaking, to using slang, such as 'No dice'.

Besides that, this story was very interesting, and had me reading until the end. It portrays an in-depth, realistic view of a person trying to survive in a harsh world after nuclear fallout.

One thing, however: Is there any other surviving humans? This doesn't mention any sort of interaction at all, save for the person in the first entry who had died.

Now, this is something that confused me..Your first entry is June 4th. Your second entry is June 1st. Your last entry is June 4th (5th? 6th?). What date is the first entry supposed to be? As I'm writing this, it seems you might have intended it to be that the first entry goes between June 3rd and the final entry. You may want to either clarify that, or else change the order. A journal wouldn't be kept out of order.

No real grammatical errors that I noticed, though. Great job!

Yeah, the first entry was supposed to take place just before the last, I was intending to start the narration near the end of the storyline before moving back to the real start and proceeding from there, but I guess it didn't really turn out right. It's not really meant to be a journal though. Note taken about the inconsistent register, thanks for the feedback I've already handed it up so I can't make any changes, but it'll be useful when writing my next story though.