Antidepressants

[AKIRA]

Up until I was about 12 years old, I remember having instances where the likes of children's nursery rhymes, laughter, or just generally watching groups of young people have fun would bring me close to tears, combinations of such would literally bring me to tears. I couldn't help but think of how their fun/lives could be ruined by someone else so easy in such devastating ways, and it was something that I couldn't really control thinking.

The most specific example I remember was when I was going to Primary(elementary) school, in grade 7, I watched a bunch of Grade 2 kids eating a pizza for lunch, seemingly on top of the world about it - I then thought of how easily an older kid could take the box, beat them over the head with it, and laugh at them mockingly while they crush each piece into the ground. I'd then break into tears, because it would be looping in my head, becoming more detailed and in cases extended every time it went through the sequence.

The specific looping nature of it was what I hated most. I couldn't stop it, and from anywhere between an hour to a whole day it would be the only thing on my mind - especially when I was trying to sleep at night. I spent a lot of nights where scenarios of people's lives being ruined/ended in horrific ways would play over and over, one I remember, when I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old, I had this particular sequence kind of like a slide show, showing somebody from birth up until being an adult, living a good life, popular kid, straight A's etc.

While sitting at home one night, a person breaks through his window and beats him to death with a hammer.

The slide show part comes back, as though it were a eulogy, showing a baby playing with a pet cockatiel surrounded by a happy family, the choppy-dull-coloured nature of the slide show made me think it was another reflection on the man's childhood.

I'd start to cry.

It plays in my head again, until I fall asleep.





Not these days though LOL I get similar sort of "vibes" when foster caring for abused/neglected pets on behalf of the Animal Welfare League, but their pain isn't fictional like what I was saying above.

WTF...NO SERIOUSLY WTF did you steal a part of my brain? I GET THAT EXACT SAME THING.

I get it at times too, I don't know what it is..it's like something bad happening is the only "right" thing in this world. It seems as though when people are happy it's wrong..it's too good to be true..something has to ruin a persons happiness..I don't know what this stemmed from although I have always remembered to be like that.

Now - a - days it comes and goes but not nearly as intense and I've learned that all these things are just in my head. Still weird though. I wonder if this is normal?

 

[Dodo]

@Stigmata, It may sound stupid, but are you eating healthy? A good meal makes the brain feel happy, ...and im not talking about chocolate. A healthy normal diet... maybe some workouts (not to please your dads legacy or any of that BS) but just to break some sweat and get your mind of things.
PM me if you want some feedback or help with hammer and the architecture.. I'd love to help you out!

While meds are ok to quickly get you back up and out of depression, its not a solution you can cling on to for the rest of your life! You ARE stronger then the depression, and you WILL get over it. Good luck bru, send me a PM and show me your map!

 

[Stigmata]

I am eating much healthier these days. I basically eat fruit for breakfast and home-cooked meals for dinner. Snacks consist of veggies, more fruit, deli sandwiches, fruit cups that are intended for my younger sister, things like that. I haven't eaten potato chips in like two months, and the weird thing is, I don't really miss them anymore. I mean they're delicious as hell, and I remember how much I love them, but I don't really have a desire to buy any.

Workouts are going to begin soon. Working my way up to it. It's getting easier to motivate myself.

 

[Raziaar]

I am eating much healthier these days. I basically eat fruit for breakfast and home-cooked meals for dinner. Snacks consist of veggies, more fruit, deli sandwiches, fruit cups that are intended for my younger sister, things like that. I haven't eaten potato chips in like two months, and the weird thing is, I don't really miss them anymore. I mean they're delicious as hell, and I remember how much I love them, but I don't really have a desire to buy any.

Workouts are going to begin soon. Working my way up to it. It's getting easier to motivate myself.

It's good to hear you're eating healthy. I honestly believe that's a key way to stay mentally healthy.

I started eating like shit lately... and my mental state has taken a sharp dive.

I sleep for 18 hours, I don't want to get out of bed, I feel mostly utterly devoid of emotion and I'm constantly sad.

Diet is the reason I think. For me at least.

 

[Sulkdodds]

All of these things are just bit-part measures for coping in a shitty world and a shittier society, where the 'wisdom of the ancients' about winds of fate and all of that - how little control any of us have - has never seemed more relevant. It sounds like you're doing the right things. Just keep going, man. From a bad place getting any better is always a slow process.

 

[Tyguy]

i had a grand mal seizure after stopping the med cold turkey. i managed to dislocate my shoulder in the process and had surgery to repair the damage.

 

[Dynasty]

I cant remember if I heard or read about this somewhere, or even if its true or not, but isnt depression as a result of failing to meet your own expectations?

As in you have goals you set out for your life at some point, beit short-term or long-term (I for one want to own an Audi at some point in my life), and when your dreams/plans, whatever you want to call them, fall short, dont come true or dont turn out the way you expected, you become depressed as a result?

Thats just a case of be realistic and stop swinging for the fence all the time isnt it?

Im not knocking anyone that is currently suffering from depression, my cousin was severely depressed after his girlfried ''the one'' broke up with him a week after his mum got cancer, and 2 days before his birthday, to the point where he was apparently thinking of suicide, but im a true believer in that medication cant help you. At the end of the day, what does it do, null the effects of depression?

Its like malaria tablets surely? It can do nothing more than help, it cant stop you from getting malaria. Its a treatment that doesnt always work anyway. Everyone takes them as they're scared of getting Malaria, something you cant really control, and they think the tablets put up some magical barrier against the disease. Wakey wakey people, malaria tablets reduce the effects, helps you, oh I dunno, not die as a result of getting malaria, but it doesnt STOP you getting it in the first place. Ive had it before, and its not pretty, but I always knew what the tablets did.

If what Ive said is right, depression is all in your head and is something you need to force out. You're in complete control.

 

[morgs]

I also believe that medication can't help, only numb. As for the cause, it could be any number of things, I don't think there is just one cause for depression.

 

[Bad^Hat]

If what Ive said is right, depression is all in your head and is something you need to force out. You're in complete control.

Haha, okay.

Please tell me you're one of those people who believes brain chemistry is just wishes and dreams and shit, and you can change anything with the power of ~POSITIVE THINKING~. This would amuse me greatly.

 

[Asknoone]

If what Ive said is right, depression is all in your head and is something you need to force out. You're in complete control.

lol. A flawed masterpiece of stupidity, to be sure.

I also believe that medication can't help, only numb. As for the cause, it could be any number of things, I don't think there is just one cause for depression.

Medication is a springboard.

 

[Stigmata]

Wellbutrin plus one goddamn beer: never again. To be fair I also smoked a bit last night, but I don't think that's what caused anything; bupropion and thc/cbd/etc don't contraindicate, and it felt almost like my... sense of touch was having a seizure - and both bupropion and alcohol lower the seizure threshold. It started in my heart as a feeling of heat, which spread to my left arm, then my hands and chest, then my feet and face and whole body. At which point an intense feeling of vibration followed the same arc, producing both intense pain and intense pleasure.

I mean, afterwards my body felt great (and I had a more expansive sense of touch, as I could feel the nuances of all my muscles flexing and being pushed around), but never again.

Also, for the record, depression is most definitely a chemical imbalance in the brain. The concentration of neurotransmitters and their receptors is dictated by a sort of bell curve, where if one goes too far off either side of the "ideal amount", it begins a negative feedback loop. The neurotransmitter starts depleting, so a few receptors disappear, which makes the neurotransmitter less effective, so less is produced, and so on. Like Samon says, medications are a springboard. They force the brain to produce more of a given neurotransmitter.

 

[Tyguy]

Take into account that although most of these drugs have been proven to work, we aren't actually 100% sure how...which is unsettling. That's why I hate taking pharmaceutical drugs, I feel like a guinea pig.

I also don't like how taking some drugs long term can cause your amygdala to basically reprogram itself. I've read that people with anxiety disorders often have this problem where their normal state is at an anxious level and the only way to reprogram that part of the brain is to engage in relaxation/exposure exercises...which never seemed to work well for me.

 

[AKIRA]

Sorry for digging this up but just wanted to see how you were doing man.

I'm sort of going though a weird relapse of my depression last year and it's kind of freaking me out.

I really don't want to hijack the thread but I'll post up my situation in case any of you are interested in reading it:

I was heading to norway on august 27th until the 4th of december. I haven't been on a plane in 5 years and for some reason a week before my flight I started to get all of these crazy thoughts of the plane crashing and me dying. I couldn't escape those thoughts. I went into a weird semi-anxiety/depression mode but once I landed in norway I was fine..so I thought.

It was a relaxing stay for the most part but here and there I would get these mini relapses that didn't last for too long. On the flight back I started getting really anxious/depressed on the plane for an unknown reason.

I was fine when we landed again. Then, I started my new co-op job on the 7th in a position that I didn't want to do at all but took it because I was running out of time and needed a job and couldn't find what I was looking for so I took what I could get.

Day 1 was terrible, I realized that I was stuck in this position for the next 4 months and everyone on my team were extremely dull and boring and I don't do ANY WORK AT ALL. I've asked for work on a number of occasions but they don't really have anything to give me.

I've read and re-read the same "training" docs so many times that I'm sick of it. So I just browse the internet all day..and even that is just ugh.

Since then I've been having heavy relapses of depression/anxiety and it feels the exact same way as last summer.

I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just want to sleep all day. The very thought of what I'm going through just intensifies the feeling and makes everything worse. I don't know what to do.

The other day I just broke down crying and just felt absolutely terrible. I felt so pathetic and sad and just generally horrible. I really am getting scared because I can't shake this one off. Meds have also been something that I really want to avoid but I don't know what else to do. I don't like the fact that meds dull your feelings and that they mess up your sex drive and that they increase suicidal tendencies.

It just really sucks because for the longest time I was extremely happy and barely anything bothered me. I HATE that this freaking thing is looming over me and I HATE the fact that I'm going through this again.

Venting here helps as you guys are cool and I feel comfortable talking with you guys. I'm sorry for hijacking the thread so ignore this if you feel like it.

Really hope you're doing well Stigmata, I can relate.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Firstly there are a few meds that don't mess with your sex drive, or heighten it instead of diminishing it ( :naughty: ) - bupropion is one, I think, but there are others.

Otherwise, is there anything you can do at work to try and give your time a bit of meaning? I know how horrible it is to just sit in front of a computer as if hypnotised, feeling as incapable of stopping as you do of continuing. It can be very difficult to motivate yourself, but one way to do so (I've found) is ritual. The idea of rituals in the first place are that they acquire their own power and energy that isn't linked to any actual material benefit or purpose - i.e. that soon becomes independent of such purpose. If you can ritualise essential things you can sometimes force yourself to do them. Just going through the motions has its own value which builds up over time.

Are you allowed to read on the job? If so you could buy a few good heavy magazines (e.g. Harpers) or pick out some books you'd like to read. You could deliberately try and learn something - read an introductory book on philosophy or suchlike. You could get a bookfull of crosswords or sudoku puzzles. Or you could do all of these things, setting an alarm on your phone and forcing yourself to change what you're doing every couple of hours so you don't just expend an entire day on filling in numbers on a square sheet.

Lastly, you may not feel like going out or talking to anyone, but isolation is the killer in these situations. Humans are naturally social creatures, and their identities are predicated on the views of others. A person can withstand long periods of isolation if they have something to occupy with - a passion, or work that they are passionate about. But when you're in any kind of depressive state it's difficult to devote yourself to such things. Whereas if someone starts talking to you, especially a friend, it's difficult not to talk back. Try inviting friends for a drink, just making sure you do something or see people regularly, otherwise it's easy to start feeling like you don't exist at all. If necessary drop hints to someone really close to you, so that they in turn will drop hints to your friends that they need to come around some time and take you out.

 

[AKIRA]

Firstly there are a few meds that don't mess with your sex drive, or heighten it instead of diminishing it ( :naughty: ) - bupropion is one, I think, but there are others.

Otherwise, is there anything you can do at work to try and give your time a bit of meaning? I know how horrible it is to just sit in front of a computer as if hypnotised, feeling as incapable of stopping as you do of continuing. It can be very difficult to motivate yourself, but one way to do so (I've found) is ritual. The idea of rituals in the first place are that they acquire their own power and energy that isn't linked to any actual material benefit or purpose - i.e. that soon becomes independent of such purpose. If you can ritualise essential things you can sometimes force yourself to do them. Just going through the motions has its own value which builds up over time.

Are you allowed to read on the job? If so you could buy a few good heavy magazines (e.g. Harpers) or pick out some books you'd like to read. You could deliberately try and learn something - read an introductory book on philosophy or suchlike. You could get a bookfull of crosswords or sudoku puzzles. Or you could do all of these things, setting an alarm on your phone and forcing yourself to change what you're doing every couple of hours so you don't just expend an entire day on filling in numbers on a square sheet.

Lastly, you may not feel like going out or talking to anyone, but isolation is the killer in these situations. Humans are naturally social creatures, and their identities are predicated on the views of others. A person can withstand long periods of isolation if they have something to occupy with - a passion, or work that they are passionate about. But when you're in any kind of depressive state it's difficult to devote yourself to such things. Whereas if someone starts talking to you, especially a friend, it's difficult not to talk back. Try inviting friends for a drink, just making sure you do something or see people regularly, otherwise it's easy to start feeling like you don't exist at all. If necessary drop hints to someone really close to you, so that they in turn will drop hints to your friends that they need to come around some time and take you out.

I understand, my roommates that are living with me help a lot actually so I feel fine when we all hang out.

But as for reading at work and stuff, I can try but it's the place and the people that I can't get away that contribute to it.

I don't know it's hard to explain but I'll try..I've been thinking about it alot and how/why I feel the way I do.

Last summer when it first happened it was new and I didn't know what was happening and it was really scary.

Now that it's happening again, it's even more scary because well, it's happening again. I get times where I'm ok but deep down, I can still feel it lingering. As soon as my brain realizes it's still there, the feeling comes back and it's like a cycle.

I feel like whenever I'm fine, it won't last long because my brain is telling me that the anxiety/depression will come back. It's very discouraging. I hate it because it just ****s everything up for me.

I get really upset/sad/depressed that things just aren't the way they used to be, that I'm no longer the happy guy I used to be just months ago. I don't want to put my girlfriend through the crap I put her through last summer that caused us to break up and I'd do anything to avoid that because *get ready for lame cliche comment* I love her dearly.

I'm going to try and start exercising regularly and just do anything to keep my mind off of it and see if that works, if not, then I really don't know.