Apartment Raid

[Colonel Kernel]

This short story hit me yesterday when I was feeling a bit bored. I know, It might not be as good as you would expect but I thought I might give it a shot, so here goes.

- Hay Willie boy, get up. We’ve got uplink again.
- About bloody time, I though we’d never have another chance.
- Yeah, you and me both. I heard those boys at Station 5 were having some pest problems. God, how I need some dope right now.
- Dude, I though you got rid of the funky sh*t? What if those cops catch us again? We won’t get away that easily this time.
- Relax, give me a break…
- Hay Shotgun, what’s the matter?
- Shh, listen.
And then there was the voice of a citizen downstairs:
- Raid! It’s a f*cking raid! Cops are coming from f*cking everywhere!
- Zipper, hide that radio before..
Then there was a bang.. and silence. Moments after, five masked med in gray and green uniforms stormed the downstairs apartments.
- Sh*t, here we go again!
- Shotgun, what the hell are you doing?
- C’mon, we gotta go! Grab the gear and go!
- …* LT, spread out. Neutralize point for objective. I want status on ZILOG *…
- …* Copy that, sir. ZILOG is clear. Proceed objective, out *…
- …* LT, we’ve got a positive suspect, out *…
- … * Runaway spotted! *…
Then there was a pistol shot and the whole scene buried itself in silence once again.
- Man, ‘you trying to get yourself killed or something? Get out of that f*cking window!
- I ain’t turning in, not a chance!
- No!
And then there was silence.. briefly. Until his body hit the cold pavement below. Three agonizing seconds for the two citizens and it was over right before they’re very eyes.
- Sh*t, now what Willie?!
- I don’t know, just.. give me some time to think… oh god.
- Time? Think? Are you serious?! We can’t turn our selves in, not with all that stuff we’ve managed to steel from those CPs. There won’t be a minute and those chicken heads will put holes in us! We got to run, now!
- Oh-Ok.. grab the sack and lets go. We’ll have to take the stairs to the roof tops, come on…

Also feel free to criticize, I need to know if it is higher than "garbage" level.

 

[Darkside55]

I need to know if it is higher than "garbage" level.

Writing's just not your thing, man.

 

[FrostedxB]

I have no clue whats going on. Who were the main charcters? Did someone jump from the window or get shot out? Why were the cops raiding?

Its not garbage but it needs A LOT of work, more descriptions and details. A working plot/storyline. A real setting other then just an apartment building. Those kinds of things.

 

[Darkside55]

Its not garbage

Don't lie to the man, he wanted an honest opinion.

 

[FrostedxB]

Don't lie to the man, he wanted an honest opinion.

If he hasn't printed out the story and physically thrown it into a dumpster then its not garbage. Even the worst stories can be made better/decent/good with a lot of hard work.

 

[Yorick]

I don't think it's a matter of this being either good or bad. I've always subscribed to the Ernest Hemingway quote "The first draft of anything is shit". But this is just, you know, empty. There's no substance to it. It's just some conversation filler. Like Frosted said, there's not enough information. We don't know anything about these people, and the formatting is so far beyond minimal that it barely exists. It's kind of hard to judge based on what's there.

It does have some silly mistakes, such as Hay instead of Hey, they're instead of their, steel instead of steal, and some strangely awkward phrasings. Look at "What if those cops catch us again? We won’t get away that easily this time". It doesn't flow very well. Same with things like "We got to run". The basic rule with conversation is to read it aloud, and see how it actually sounds.