April Fools Steam Update

[aeroripper]

Friday, April 1 2005

An update is available for Counter-Strike: Source. The update will be applied automatically when your Steam client is restarted. This update addresses requests for more realism in Counter-Strike: Source. The changes are as follows:


Features/Additions
Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect to cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
Cut price of AWP by 50%.
Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu.
Removed de_dust from mapcycle.
Realism Enhancements:

Knives:
Between rounds, it is suggested that you unsheath the weapon and repeatedly press the attack key to air it out as the leather now collects moisture and creates pits on the blade, making it less effective in the next round.

Shotguns:
1. Firing the shotgun without ammo loaded will now cause it to jam.
2. When the shotgun jams, press F2 to fill out form DA-1823-00/A12-H8.
3. You should then hear a scribbling sound. When it stops, press F3 to send the request to LIDM.
4. Failure to do paperwork before pressing F3 will result in the immediate return of the unrepaired shotgun.
5. The repairs can take 1-2 rounds for completion. During that time, you cannot purchase a replacement firearm and may only use your sidearm or knife.

Player Models:
Several models now feature eyewear. This is a completely cosmetic enhancement with the following exceptions:

Part EP-7829-292-2 must be purchased and worn correctly at all times in order to see during the round.

In between rounds, you may purchase and use part EC-2231-833-H34 to clean your EP-7829-292-2. Note: that this does not clean the eyewear itself!

To clean the eyewear, you need to purchase and use the designated cleaner, EC-2231-233-H34, EC-2231-523-H34, or EC-2231-239-H34a respectively depending on your model's eyewear. You can determine the part # of the correct cleaner by asking someone.

Machine and submachine guns:

At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.

Your Preventative Maintenance Status (either "cleaning" or "lubricating") is determined by the speed with which you press the F1 key and will be displayed above your head.

To accurately simulate real life maintenance mistakes, pressing F1 too quickly will lubricate either the bolt face or the trunnion block. Pressing F1 too slowly sprays lubricant directly into the buffer tube. All mistakes render the gun inoperable, though this may not become immediately apparent.

Experiment with keypress timing to avoid (and discover!) other common maintenance errors.

In order to balance the improved stopping power of a well-maintained weapon, the reloading process has been made much less reliable.

When reloading, you should listen for two or three distinct clicks over a period of several seconds.

If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.

omg that's crazy valve can't do that!!!111111

 

[hool10]

Lmao way to go Valve! Once again they prove that they love the people who give them their paychecks!

 

[Cunni]

No way that this is an April Fools joke!! It's totally serious.

 

[Jintor]

I know, especially the bit about filling out the forms and maintainance. you've *got* to do that.

Otherwise the bueracracy gets you!

 

[BillyJoBob]

Hehe that was funny, but I was hoping for a real update.

 

[Locust]

lol, valve is awsome!

 

[aeroripper]

I was actually kind of disappointed, i wanted a real update about the lost coast or whatever

 

[bliink]

I was actually kind of disappointed, i wanted a real update about the lost coast or whatever

/me bunnyhops over you with akimbo shields :stare: :stare:

 

[Naudian]

lol
wankers

 

[giant384]

i loved it wonder how long it took them to think of it

 

[Asuka]

Lmfao thats great.

 

[Hectic Glenn]

If you take a leaf out Bliink's book and hop over to the counter strike source forum section, smash is it? the steam admin guy reckons there still 'may be' an update later tonight..a real one.

 

[Cole]

I'd love to go into a Cs:S game and see some guy saying,
"Can you believe Valve messed up Cs:S with the new update!!"

 

[Deemo]

Valve is the best. there is nothing else to say lmao

 

[Datrix]

Cut price of AWP by 50%.
At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.
If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.

 

[Vegeta897]

It would be cool if they actually did this.

 

[Alix Mcdean]

rofl, I would have liked it if they did a small patch to actualy put some of that stuff in, just for a day.


-Alix

 

[Vegeta897]

It's like America's Army only 10x worse

 

[Dr. Freeman]

/me bunnyhops over you with akimbo shields :stare: :stare:

lolz
the part about the shotguns jamming is the best

 

[clarky003]

roflol,. (always wanted to use that, *relief*)

you know whats funnier, the amount of cs fans in a hissy fit, goin... "argh! im so angry, not cool guys"

 

[RakuraiTenjin]

Some people are taking this seriously

 

[Carmack]

Cut price of AWP by 50%

lol! n00bs ahoy!

 

[Varsity]

I was actually kind of disappointed, i wanted a real update about the lost coast or whatever

Yeah, it wasn't the smartest thing for Gabe to say that. I notice his post is deleted. Funny though.

 

[lePobz]

Yeah, it wasn't the smartest thing for Gabe to say that. I notice his post is deleted. Funny though.

It wasn't gabe, it was just the site admins hitting a new low. Atleast they think it's funny.

 

[JCampbell]

It wasn't gabe, it was just the site admins hitting a new low. Atleast they think it's funny.

Someone upset because they were fooled on APRIL FOOL'S DAY?

 

[Lord_PackRat]

I'd love to go into a Cs:S game and see some guy saying,
"Can you believe Valve messed up Cs:S with the new update!!"

this is what ive been listening to all day:

****tard A has joined the game
****tard A is joining the Counter-Terrorist Force
*DEAD* ****tard A: hey guys
*DEAD* Random: hey
*DEAD* ****tard A: so when are the new updates coming out?
*DEAD* Random: lol
*DEAD* PackRat: not again...
*DEAD* ****tard A: i wanted to try them out but i don't see them
*DEAD* Random: lol tool
*DEAD* PackRat: okay. just so we're clear:
*DEAD* PackRat: EVERYTHING IN THE APRIL 1ST STEAM UPDATE WAS A ****ING LIE.
Console: BADWORD: PackRat - please stop swearing or you'll be kicked.
*DEAD* ****tard A: wtf?
*DEAD* Random: april fools moron
*DEAD* ****tard A: aww man they were gonna bring back the riot shield
****tard A has left the game (Disconnected by user)
****tard B has joined the game
****tard B is joining the Terrorist Force
*DEAD* ****tard B: are the updates here yet?
*DEAD* Random: lol
*DEAD* PackRat: oh god...

that broken record gets a little agravating after a while

EDIT: lol language filter

 

[The Monkey]

That's awesome, at least it proves that they got some sence of homour.

 

[Dead-Inside]

Akimbo Shields will solve the 50% cost lowered AWP issue.

Oh yeah baby! Best AprilFools EVER.

 

[SimonomiS]

Bet they would've done a much much subtler April Fools if it didnt cause as much outrage as it would. Too many gullible people.
Still, nice to see them having a dig at the realism fanatics. (Deja vu )

 

[big_king_frosty]

Valve is awesome, its only possible to do something like that over steam, but i bet none of the other developers would have the balls to do something like that. I havnt actually played CS all week but now i wish i had.

 

[Jintor]

It's still really funny. Don't you just wanna fill out forms on the battlefeild? Or lubricate you gun in front of other knife-weilding men?

April Fools. The day the internet blew itself up.

 

[mactheman]

lol

dude i like your style>!

 

[dj v]

AHhhhhhhhhhhhh, that would have been an awesome update.

 

[mactheman]

lol, man

AHhhhhhhhhhhhh, that would have been an awesome update.

I wish, i would of loved that update, but aswell....
one day they will bring that update out. ! FOR REAL !

omg....

-yours Mactheman
--------------

GREENDAY RULES!!!! :frog:

 

[Phat-t]

haha someone should mod that just for fun.

 

[clarky003]

by all means mod the akimbo shield, and 50% awp price for a laugh, but the other additions where obviously a joke, I cant believe some people would want to have a gun maintenance/lubricator simulator , cleaning equipment and a shotgun that acutally got jammed.. looool

 

[$niffy]

Hahahahahahaha. Now thats a sense of humor!

*breath

Hahahahhahahahahahahahahaha. Can't imagine the amount of 1337 cs kiddies flipping out right now hahahahahahahaha!!!

 

[Dekstar]

/me bunnyhops over you with akimbo shields :stare: :stare:

/me is about to shoot bliink in the face, then his gun jams, and he starts to fill out the forms... :bonce:

 

[Zeus]

thank god that update was a joke ROFL

 

[Dowie]

wow, some of that sounded quite good, the Riot Shield and jumping anyway

The Models definately need fixed!