Boat Names Are Shit

[Sulkdodds]

You heard me. Today I went down to the Brighton Marina with my mother and brother to watch Wall-E. We got fish and chips and sat on the dock of the bay, shoving the junk food away. But enough about that. We watched boats. This being a marina, there were many of them. Do you know what they were called?

Goldcrest.
Riptide II.
Seaspray III.
Great Escape.
Lady in the Lake.
Channel Diver.
The Grey Viking.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what the fuck is this? If I'm not mistaken, many of these boats are privately owned. After scrimping and saving for the ridiculous sums you'll need to buy and maintain this boat, after learning to use it and setting aside the time away from your horrible wife and screaming kids to get away in your 'Great Escape' from the suburban life that you loath (and yet, the same life that allows you to maintain the boat itself), you can't even be bothered to think up a decent fucking name? What the fuck is this shit? Iain M Banks does better and he's taking the complete piss! When I see things like this it makes me resolve that those who own boats simply do not deserve to do so.

But is there more to it than this? Look at this website. These names are, almost without exception, abysmal. Why? Why is it? Is it really that nobody has any goddamn imagination or aesthetic sense? Or is there something more sinister going on?

Until I have my answers, I have only this message for all boat owners with shitty boat names: fuck you.




Oh yeah, I guess if they want people can use this as the "what would you call your boat if you had one" thread.

 

[kineaesth]

My boat's called boaty.

 

[VirusType2]

I smoked boat before. Truly ****ing awesome TBH


If I had a boat, and seconds to pick a name, I'd name it

Moby's Dick
I HAVE A BOAT BITCHES
Ocean Motion
**** yeah America
Seamen Adventures
Pirate Ship
Dr. Octopus
Contraband
Wale Penis Express
Cocaine Cruiseliner
Captain Barnacle

or something completely different and good

 

[Dinkleberry]

I'd paint my boat brown and call it 'a big piece of shit'.

 

[Adrik_Senturu]

This thread reminded me of this:

Naming Success with Tom "Moof" Davies

Livestock: moof would you like to join me on the high seas
Moof: yes i would like that a lot
Livestock: you and i could hunt and kill the greatest of fish
Livestock: and turtlekind
Moof: yes and sea otters
Livestock: we will feast on brine tonight, you and i
Moof:
Livestock: i think we should name our ship the HMS Pago
Moof: that is an okay name but i think HMS Bayonet would be better
Livestock: yeah that name would be fitting when we stab the beach running ashore under your shady navigation
Livestock: we will be the joke of the maritime press
Livestock: no, we will name it HMS Pago
Moof: HMS Pago is a fitting name for a boat crewed by fools
Moof: if you ever come aboard my ship you will find your grave at the bottom of the ocean
Livestock: your ship? You mean the HMS Bayonet resting on the shore like a dumb whale? No I won't come aboard but i will wave to you from the HMS Pago located a distance out in the water.
Livestock: perhaps i will offer the services of my crewmen to help you wrestle your boat back out to sea when the tide rises.
Livestock: and maybe I can have my navigator give your navigator some pointers.
Moof: hms bayonet has so many cannons that hms pago will be more like hms swiss cheese once i am finished
Livestock: moof i know it's a little late but do you want to try to win the xprize with me and build a space ship???
Moof: yes okay let's do it
Moof: what about spaceshipone already winning it though
Livestock: spaceshipone is a dumb name they will take the prize away and give it to us
Livestock: we will name the ship Pago
Moof: i think we should probably name it bayonet but that isn't important
Livestock: no it is not important at all
Moof: nope so let's just name it bayonet and be done with it
Livestock: well moof i think that if we named it bayonet it would never get off the ground
Livestock: pago will get us more funding
Moof: well i don't really think the name is that important
Moof: so let's just stick with bayonet like we agreed
Livestock: well we didn't agree on anything other than pago
Moof: okay so let's agree on bayonet right now it isn't a big deal
Moof: i dont really mind what the name is so it should just be bayonet
Livestock: i mind
Moof: okay well what do you want the name to be
Livestock: i want the name to be Pago
Moof: okay well it is too late to change it now
Moof: so let's just stick with bayonet and move on to more important matters
Livestock: you know what moof you are the last person i would want to go to space with

i don't want to be the first human to strangle a man in space
Moof: dont worry because i would push you out the airlock
Livestock: moof that's not going to happen because nobody is going to fund a ship named bayonet
Moof: i think it is time we battled
Livestock: how
Moof: with cannons
Livestock: there are no cannons on spaceships
Moof: on boats there are
Livestock: moof you beached your ship we are aiming for space now
Moof: oh okay
Moof: then bayonet can have cannons
Moof: pago probably cant because it is stupid
Livestock: MOOF SHUT UP SHUT UP
Moof: STUPID LITTLE PAGO
Livestock: I WILL KILL YOU WITH THIS PIPE WRENCH
Livestock: PAGO IS THE BEST NAME FOR ANYTHING
Moof: LIVESTOCK IS AN IDIOT STOP ALSO BAYONET IS THE BEST NAME FOR A HORSE OR SPACESHIP STOP
Livestock: MOOF I WILL DESTROY YOU IN EVERY WAY, SHAPE, AND FORM
Moof: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT A SPADE TO SPACE SO YOU CAN DIG YOUR GRAVE
Livestock: YOU STUPID FOOL YOU WORE A REGULAR SUIT TO SPACE AND NOT A SPACESUIT, THAT TIE WON'T SAVE YOU
Moof: AARRRTGHrrghghhhhhhh
Livestock: you look dapper okay
Livestock: you are dressed for a funeral - YOUR FUNERAL
Moof: thank you
Moof: yes WAIT
Moof: AARRRRRGGghhhhhhhh

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/daily-dirt/my-theory-on.php

 

[lefty]

I'd call my boat Maurice *wee-weeoo*

 

[staticprimer]

S.S. Planet Express Ship imo

 

[Dekstar]

my boat would be called
"The S.S.Tutter"

 

[Lucid]

My aunt and uncle own a boat and being fans of Forrest Gump they named it "Lt. Dan II".
Great boat too, went fishing on it quite a few times.

I'd probably call mine "Serenity", for obvious reasons.

 

[delusional]

I'd call my boat, "boat"

 

[AtomicSpark]

I saw one on a trailer going down the road. It was called...

Student Loan

 

[VirusType2]

Atomix would have a boat named 'Scam!'

amirite?

 

[MJ12]

I'd name my boat the name of a Jet Fighter to confuse them.

 

[Dog--]

I'd call my boat Ship, they wouldn't know what to do!

 

[15357]

I saw a boat named "Catgirl" once.



Wtf.

 

[Shamrock]

I'd call it...

Coach Gordon Bombay.

 

[Acepilotf14]

I would name mine 'Midnight Chardonay'

 

[lefty]

WAIT no I'd call mine "dancing midgets".

 

[Saturos]

The U.S. NAVY ships are named after former U.S. presidents no less. While it's good to show some respect to our former commanders-in-chief, "U.S.S Ronald Regan" does not strike me as a very intimidating name to the enemies. I guess I could be wrong though for those targets that have fallen victim to U.S.S Ronald's firepower, but still.

The coolest U.S. NAVY name I've heard for a ship so far is the "U.S.S Nimitz".

Oh well, at least the NAVY's aircraft has cooler names.

 

[lefty]

REGAN
RAYGUN
cmon.

 

[Krynn72]

I would name my boat "The Necropedobeastialitist" and staple pitz to the side of it.

 

[MJ12]

Gordon Freeboat

 

[highlander]

Barney calboat.

I failed!

 

[Shamrock]

The G-Boat?!

 

[kineaesth]

Alyx Catamaran.

 

[Deadpan]

I'd call mine The Italian Chandelier.

 

[AmishSlayer]

I'd come up with something completely absurd like:

S.S. Weathermerryton
Reginald Box
Tomato Paste Surprise
The Going Merry
Thousand Sunny
S.S. More-powerful-than-Batman-Superman-Spiderman-and-The-Incredible-Hulk-Combined

 

[MJ12]

GLaBOS

Genetic Lifeform and Boat Operating System!

 

[kineaesth]

GLaBOS

Genetic Lifeform and Boat Operating System!

Excellent. You've made me smile.
Which hasn't happened since 18-odd-7.

 

[MJ12]

Oh don't be silly, I always make you smile.

 

[venturon]

Das Boot.

And just to confuse people, I'd name the lifeboat 'der Stiefel'.

 

[Overclock]

My boat is the SS Cheapskate.

 

[Phobie]

I read this as "Boats are The Shit" and was like "Oh sweet, Sulk is getting excited about boats!"

 

[Mr Stabby]

Bismarck and Dreadnought were cool boat names.

 

[Majestic XII]

My gf's boat is called Galadriel.

 

[Remus]

I smoked boat before. Truly ****ing awesome TBH


If I had a boat, and seconds to pick a name, I'd name it

Moby's Dick
I HAVE A BOAT BITCHES
Ocean Motion
**** yeah America
Seamen Adventures
Pirate Ship
Dr. Octopus
Contraband
Wale Penis Express
Cocaine Cruiseliner
Captain Barnacle

or something completely different and good

If I had a boat I would so call it the "USS I HAVE A BOAT BITCHES"

 

[Bad^Hat]

I'd call mine the SS hawtnelfslut01.

Edit - Or the USS SUCK MY DIIIIIIIICK I'M A BOOOOOOAT.

 

[Raziaar]

Any boat named Sea Cow is a winner in my captain's log.

 

[Saturos]

Any boat named Sea Cow is a winner in my captain's log.

BTW, why'd you change your avatar? It's not the same Raziaar without the cow.

 

[Raziaar]

Experimentation. I wanted to give the cute little penguin a test run and see what people thought about it. I am going to go back to the cow in time.