S
swftchck
Guest
I know that I have always been a bit of a loner, and always wanted to have a big circle of friends. But over the last 6 months I have been trying to change, and get more self confidence. At the very least, I thought that maybe I had gained more confidence. But that was proven very wrong tonight.
I went to a works night out, and was really looking forward to it, even though I just found out today about it. Now I wish I had never gone, it was a disaster. I thought I had changed alot but it appears that it is externally only. I got there and immediately felt like leaving. I felt out of place even though I have worked with these people for the last 12 months. It then occured to me that no matter what, I would never fit in, that I will never be like other people. And I just feel so defeated, isolated more, and just wish I had another place to go to work on monday. I don't think I can face those people. I made a fool of myself, and just wish I could disappear. And all I did was sit there like a bump on a log, I didn't try to talk to anyone, I choked, didn't know what to say. Just sat there, almost trying to get away as far as I could from the group. I could have cried. Right now I feel that I could end it now and who would miss me other than family. No one. I have never felt this way so hard. Is it so much to ask for to just have friends, and do things that normal people do? Why do I always feel this way.
The worst part is I am not even diagnosed Avoidant, but this just proves to me that there is a major problem in my life. I am secure at home and work, but take me out of my secure situation and I fall to pieces. I simply don't know what to do. I am totally lost. Why can't I have a life with friends and a active social life? Most people take it for granted, I would love to be able to do what other do. I envy them for the ease in which they are able to have fun. Right now I am crying, knowing that no matter what, I am always going to be an outcast, and I am only 38. But I have been this way my entire life, and was hoping it would change before I was too old to enjoy life. Looks like I will die this way. I hate being me, I hate my life. And no one can understand how it feels, my dispair and my hatred I feel towards myself.
I went to a works night out, and was really looking forward to it, even though I just found out today about it. Now I wish I had never gone, it was a disaster. I thought I had changed alot but it appears that it is externally only. I got there and immediately felt like leaving. I felt out of place even though I have worked with these people for the last 12 months. It then occured to me that no matter what, I would never fit in, that I will never be like other people. And I just feel so defeated, isolated more, and just wish I had another place to go to work on monday. I don't think I can face those people. I made a fool of myself, and just wish I could disappear. And all I did was sit there like a bump on a log, I didn't try to talk to anyone, I choked, didn't know what to say. Just sat there, almost trying to get away as far as I could from the group. I could have cried. Right now I feel that I could end it now and who would miss me other than family. No one. I have never felt this way so hard. Is it so much to ask for to just have friends, and do things that normal people do? Why do I always feel this way.
The worst part is I am not even diagnosed Avoidant, but this just proves to me that there is a major problem in my life. I am secure at home and work, but take me out of my secure situation and I fall to pieces. I simply don't know what to do. I am totally lost. Why can't I have a life with friends and a active social life? Most people take it for granted, I would love to be able to do what other do. I envy them for the ease in which they are able to have fun. Right now I am crying, knowing that no matter what, I am always going to be an outcast, and I am only 38. But I have been this way my entire life, and was hoping it would change before I was too old to enjoy life. Looks like I will die this way. I hate being me, I hate my life. And no one can understand how it feels, my dispair and my hatred I feel towards myself.
