David Thorne Driving His Landlord Crazy

[CptStern]

some of you might remember David Thorne:

Thorne became an internet sensation in the late 2000s when one of his stories achieved massive attention whereby he tells a tale of a prankster who tries to pay his chiropractor bill with a drawing of a seven-legged spider. His back and forth banter with a frustrated debt collector began with his reply: “Dear Jane, I do not have any money, so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.”

well he's at it again:

Dear Mr Thorne

It has come to our attention ..that you have a dog on the premises ...animals are not premitted

his reply:

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

her reply:

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

his reply:

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

her reply:

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

his reply:

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

and so on

http://standardmadness.com/offbeat/david-thorne-driving-his-landlord-crazy?wow

 

[YROC]

This stuff is great. I love the spider one too.

 

[mechanicallizard]

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness.

the ****?

 

[Raziaar]

You've never experienced complete awareness?

 

[mechanicallizard]

WAIT-



















..........


not sure.

 

[Reginald]

Hahaha. The "punchline"/last reply from Helen is brilliant. And the complete awareness line is hilarious.

But it's not as good as the spider.

 

[Stigmata]

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness.

 

[bryanf445]

Wow, I looked like an idiot laughing out loud at these in the office. Checking out his site now.

 

[bryanf445]

Definitely strange humor, but I love it hahah.