SpuD
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- May 29, 2003
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http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2984889949&category=1#ebayphotohosting
Ill take a screen shot and upload it too, for when the bid goes away.
Heres the text:
Hello. The item that is up for sale is something I don’t think that any person who is deeply religious would want. It is a toaster. Now before you close the browser or hit the “return to list of items” page, I need to tell you something about this toaster. Granted yes, it does toast bread like any other toaster would, but it also has something that no other toaster has- a soul. I first discovered this a few months ago when I came home from work. I was alone in the house, and it was rather late. No one except for me had been in the house all day, even when I was gone (I would have noticed if the locks were tampered with), but when I walked into the kitchen, I saw my toaster sitting in the middle of the counter with a few slices of burned toast around it. Naturally I was confused and slightly amused, but soon passed it off as the work of a fellow friend or co-worker who had somehow gotten into my house and left me a “surprise.” I was very mistaken. Over the next couple of weeks my toaster, which had always been reliable, began to malfunction for no apparent reason. Although it’s quite a few years old, I was still surprised nonetheless to see that it had suddenly begun to burn my toast severely and often fire the scorched pieces of bread across the room or straight up into the ceiling (literally). I didn’t really want to spend money on a new toaster because I figured it was just being odd and would correct itself after a few times of messing up. Instead, it chose to get worse. I would repeatedly walk into the kitchen and find the toaster in places where I didn’t keep it. After a few of these incidents, I began to keep it in a cabinet with a built in lock (which I used) out of frustration. Somehow, it still managed to get out. I didn’t understand it. The lock was strong, and couldn’t possibly be opened from the inside, however, almost every day, it was always there, sitting on the counter… almost staring at me (if a toaster could stare I’m sure it would have been). After that incident I decided to throw it out. However, that night, I heard this loud rattling coming from downstairs. I immediately assumed the worst and thought that someone was trying to break into my house. I jumped out of bed, grabbed the phone and something to attack them with and bolted downstairs. When I got into the kitchen, I saw no one and heard nothing. All of a sudden the rattling started up louder than before. It was coming right from the trash can. I hesitated, but walked forward and opened the trash can. The toaster rattled. I immediately seized it up and brought it outside into my backyard. Upon retrieving a shovel from the garage, I dug a hole that was roughly two feet deep and kicked the toaster in. After the dirt was replaced, I went back inside and went to bed. One would think the story was to end there, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. The next morning as I walked into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, I saw the toaster, covered in dirt sitting on the counter, only this time, it wasn’t alone. In the bread slots it held a small cross and a pocket bible. At this point, I knew what had to be done. I consulted the church by phone and they told me to rid myself of the toaster immediately. I threw it in my car and drove to the nearest bridge that passed over moving water. I stopped the car and threw off the edge. It made a satisfying splash. I thought my dilemma was through… but after all this time I should have known that it wouldn’t be over, and it wasn’t. When I arrived home, about 20 minutes later, the toaster was waiting for me; it was sitting in my driveway with the bible and cross as I rolled up. I snatched up the toaster, still dripping, and threw it down the stairs into my cellar whereupon I slammed the door and bolted it shut. It’s remained there ever since and I’ve decided that since destroying it hasn’t worked, perhaps someone else would be interested in it. The item is listed for sale, the starting price $10.00. The toaster will come with the bible (which is actually a lot darker than it looks in the picture), but unfortunately not the cross. I checked up on it a few days ago and found that the toaster had scorched the cross to a small pile of ash. If you want it, by all means bid, but I must caution you, the toaster is evil.
Ill take a screen shot and upload it too, for when the bid goes away.
Heres the text:
Hello. The item that is up for sale is something I don’t think that any person who is deeply religious would want. It is a toaster. Now before you close the browser or hit the “return to list of items” page, I need to tell you something about this toaster. Granted yes, it does toast bread like any other toaster would, but it also has something that no other toaster has- a soul. I first discovered this a few months ago when I came home from work. I was alone in the house, and it was rather late. No one except for me had been in the house all day, even when I was gone (I would have noticed if the locks were tampered with), but when I walked into the kitchen, I saw my toaster sitting in the middle of the counter with a few slices of burned toast around it. Naturally I was confused and slightly amused, but soon passed it off as the work of a fellow friend or co-worker who had somehow gotten into my house and left me a “surprise.” I was very mistaken. Over the next couple of weeks my toaster, which had always been reliable, began to malfunction for no apparent reason. Although it’s quite a few years old, I was still surprised nonetheless to see that it had suddenly begun to burn my toast severely and often fire the scorched pieces of bread across the room or straight up into the ceiling (literally). I didn’t really want to spend money on a new toaster because I figured it was just being odd and would correct itself after a few times of messing up. Instead, it chose to get worse. I would repeatedly walk into the kitchen and find the toaster in places where I didn’t keep it. After a few of these incidents, I began to keep it in a cabinet with a built in lock (which I used) out of frustration. Somehow, it still managed to get out. I didn’t understand it. The lock was strong, and couldn’t possibly be opened from the inside, however, almost every day, it was always there, sitting on the counter… almost staring at me (if a toaster could stare I’m sure it would have been). After that incident I decided to throw it out. However, that night, I heard this loud rattling coming from downstairs. I immediately assumed the worst and thought that someone was trying to break into my house. I jumped out of bed, grabbed the phone and something to attack them with and bolted downstairs. When I got into the kitchen, I saw no one and heard nothing. All of a sudden the rattling started up louder than before. It was coming right from the trash can. I hesitated, but walked forward and opened the trash can. The toaster rattled. I immediately seized it up and brought it outside into my backyard. Upon retrieving a shovel from the garage, I dug a hole that was roughly two feet deep and kicked the toaster in. After the dirt was replaced, I went back inside and went to bed. One would think the story was to end there, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. The next morning as I walked into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, I saw the toaster, covered in dirt sitting on the counter, only this time, it wasn’t alone. In the bread slots it held a small cross and a pocket bible. At this point, I knew what had to be done. I consulted the church by phone and they told me to rid myself of the toaster immediately. I threw it in my car and drove to the nearest bridge that passed over moving water. I stopped the car and threw off the edge. It made a satisfying splash. I thought my dilemma was through… but after all this time I should have known that it wouldn’t be over, and it wasn’t. When I arrived home, about 20 minutes later, the toaster was waiting for me; it was sitting in my driveway with the bible and cross as I rolled up. I snatched up the toaster, still dripping, and threw it down the stairs into my cellar whereupon I slammed the door and bolted it shut. It’s remained there ever since and I’ve decided that since destroying it hasn’t worked, perhaps someone else would be interested in it. The item is listed for sale, the starting price $10.00. The toaster will come with the bible (which is actually a lot darker than it looks in the picture), but unfortunately not the cross. I checked up on it a few days ago and found that the toaster had scorched the cross to a small pile of ash. If you want it, by all means bid, but I must caution you, the toaster is evil.
