Dog.

[ZeroPointGun]

This is an unfinished work but I figured I'd see if anyone liked it and if not I wouldn't waste my time continuing. (This was written from Dog's point of view and I'm used to writing more of a "Hi" said Bob. "Hello" said Sally. sort of style)

If you guys do not like I'll redo it from 3rd person, makes it easier for me.

Alright here it is:

Fetch. It is possibly the world’s best game. I love the game, maybe because I am so good at it or maybe it is because it’s the only game I have ever known. Come to think of it, the only time I’ve left Black Mesa East is when Alyx and I venture into Ravenholm but we haven’t been there in a while. I wonder why we cannot go to Ravenholm anymore, the Doc seems really paranoid about recent events but I’m not sure what he means. What could possibly be so dangerous that we cannot visit Ravenholm anymore? After all Alyx has a gun and I have super strength, it’s not as if we are defenseless. I have listened to certain conversations between Doctor Vance and Doctor Mossman about some sort of plague spread throughout the city, not sure what kind of plague they’re referring to though. Maybe when Gordon arrives we can go back there and I can see once and for all what the Doctors are so worried about.

===2 Hours Later===

"Oh Gordon you just have to meet Dog." Gordon is finally here, maybe now we go to Ravenholm. "Dog let’s play fetch with Gordon, go grab that barrel so he can practice using the Zero Point Energy Field Manipulator." Which barrel should I use? I think I’ll use the empty one, less dangerous when he fires it back. "Heads up Gordon, here it comes." "Great catch Gordon but can you return it just as good?" "Excellent Gordon you have great control with the gun." "Dog try something bigger see how good he really is." What are those things? They look like scanners…oh no…Combine. "Dog not that…it’s too big you could hurt Gordon…oh wait…scanners…Gordon it’s time we got out of here, it’s not safe." "Come on Dog let’s go, we need to move it." Good idea I don’t like the look of these scanners one bit. "Dog take Gordon to Ravenholm and met me on the other side." Finally we get to Ravenholm. I can’t hold this barrier up much longer looks like I’m going to have to stay back here.

That's it for now.

Constructive criticsm and comments welcomed and appreciated.

NOTE: In case you didn't read the first part, this isn't my preffered stlye of writing, personally I don't like the story but we shall see what you guys think.

NOTE2: Quotation marks show Alyx's lines. Gordon does not speak and Dog thinks.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

Uppin.

 

[leib10]

Not bad, but try to use correct punctuation where necessary. It'll make the read a lot smoother. A few commas and quotation marks would make it a lot easier to read, and more interesting.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

I was going to put quotation marks but it didn't seem right, after all, most of the text is spoken.

Thanks for you comment though.

Should I continue writing or write a different version?

 

[leib10]

Keep going. Now that you've established a setting and occurences that we're all familiar with, it's time to start creating your own plot line.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

Ok. I'll see what it turns out like.

To get my creative juices flowing, I'm going to play some HL2.

PS. Don't quote my post and change it to say some kind of dirty juices.

 

[leib10]

Ok. I'll see what it turns out like.

To get my creative anal and semenal juices flowing, I'm going to play some HL2.

PS. Don't quote my post and change it to say some kind of dirty juices.

There you go. You asked for it keed.

 

[Viperidae]

If you're going to do the whole dialogue without quotes thing I'd sincerely suggest using paragraphs. Unless the forums messed up your formatting?

 

[ZeroPointGun]

In case you didn't notice (It may be hard to interpret because it's not normally done this way) the 2 hours later thing separates the paragraphs. I know it is normal but I felt like experimenting, after all, this is my preffered style of writing so I may as well just do whatever.

 

[leib10]

We're not asking you to change your writing style, which is acceptable. We're asking you to use punctuation so that we don't have to decipher narration and dialogue.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

Alright but I'm telling you it'll look messy.

 

[leib10]

Irrelevant. It will still be easier to read.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

Did you re-read my first post?

 

[leib10]

A step in the right direction, but go ahead and separate the dialogue into its own paragraph so it all isn't jumbled into one giant one. Also, let the reader know who is speaking. And yes, I suggest you switch to third person.

How old are you, by the way?

 

[ZeroPointGun]

15 in August why?

PS. Check your PM.

 

[leib10]

Curiosity. I see that you have more time to learn writing skills, so your mistakes are understandable.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

I'm a very good writer actually (So I have been told). The only reasons why there would be any mistakes are because I don't write well from a 1st person view. I actually don't know why I did.

 

[Jintor]

Imho it's going to be zarking hard to write first person for Dog.

/EDIT the whole point of Dog is that he's, well, a dog. A robot dog, maybe, but still a dog. He isn't supposed to have a human viewpoint. He's a robot dog that fights for freedom. Not much more than that.

 

[ZeroPointGun]

That's where you're wrong, my fine lad. You see, as in Dog's case, he has had his whole life revolve around human interaction and has been personally upgraded via a human. He has begun to develop certain kinks that a robot, deprived of human interaction, would not have. His perceptions are similiar to that of a human's because of the upgrades used on him. He was designed to protect Alyx but also to understand her. What better way to understand and perceive the world, as a human does, then by getting upgraded with human qualities?