"Emails from an asshole"

[CptStern]

oh this is a hilarious site:

Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that ****s just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested.

Original ad:

summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.


Hi
I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
- Mike


Mike,
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?


Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike



From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=28
http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45
http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=13

 

[VirusType2]

Original ad:
im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female, and would prefer to ride with another female or young(21-ish) person.
From Mike Anderson to ************@*********.org

Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I'm 21, so you don't have to worry about riding with some old creeper.
Mike

From Melanie to Me
hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Melanie,

I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won't turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says "I'm Melanie" ? I'll look for you.

Mike

From Melanie to Me
wow i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Melanie, I'm sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don't want to stand out there with a sign?

From Melanie to Me
what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Well shit Melanie, I didn't think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I've done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I'll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren't crushed. You can have my video ipod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of Deadwood on it. You aren't fat, are you? I don't want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

Mike

From Melanie to Me
are you ****ing with me? this has to be a joke. there is no ****ing way im doing that

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Oh, you aren't a Deadwood fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit "Gigli" on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

From Melanie to Me
NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE ****ING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Okay, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can't fit in the duffel bag that's fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus. You can sit next to me if you want, but I want the window seat. I also have to get up a lot to pee so you will have to get up so I can squeeze out.

From Melanie to Me
IM NOT RIDING THE BUS! I'LL FIND ANOTHER RIDE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie
Well you owe me $70 for the ticket! I can't return it!

From Melanie to Me
I NEVER SAID TO BUY IT! THAT IS YOUR FAULT DUDE GOODBYE

Lol clowned.

 

[CyberPitz]

OK, this is one of the best sites ever.

Thank you Stern.

 

[MJ12]

hahaha

 

[MorganFreeman911]

Yeah, I love this site. Silver linked it in the chat today (probably from here) and I read almost all of them.

 

[Hurricane]

Tyrone's Dog Babysitting Service
Posted at: 2009-07-02 10:41:53 | 67 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!
From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

From Tanya ****** to Me
tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit

now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

From Tanya ****** to Me
I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the **** out and stop jumpin to conclusions

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

From Tanya ****** to Me
STOP IT



A few hours later...



From G Ice to Tanya ******
ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

From Tanya ****** to Me
GO AWAY

haha, "he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them"

 

[Maestro]

From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

Hey there,

I saw your ad looking for a European Scooter. Are you serious? Man up and get a real bike. I am selling a '03 Harley Davidson FXDL Low Rider. This bike will get you more bitches than you will ever get with a European Scooter. In fact, all you will probably get with a European Scooter is a bunch of metrosexuals coming out of Starbucks. If you are ready to ride a badass bike, let me know if you are interested in my Harley.

Yours truly,

Tim

From Erin ****** to Me

Hi there,
Thanks but I'm really not looking to "man up" and therefore am rejecting your bike and therefore your pre-owned facade of "manliness." Oh, and I'm good on "bitches."

-Erin

From Timmy Tucker to Erin ******

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman. You shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle anyway. I have some kitchen tools like pots and pans if you are interested. Let me know!

Tim

Sheer ****ing brilliance.

EDIT:

From Mike Anderson to *********@***********.org

Hey,

I'm selling my wife's 2003 Honda Civic while she is out of town. We are getting a divorce and I am selling it to spite her, so I'll sell it to you for 5k. It is nice. It has like 55,000 miles.

- Mike

From Andrea ****** to Me

I am very interested. Are you legally allowed to sell it, or does your wife have the title?

- Andrea

From Mike Anderson to Andrea ******

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman. What are you thinking? You can't drive! You better be e-mailing me from the laptop in your kitchen. Otherwise get back in there!

From Andrea ****** to Me

excuse me? this is the 21st century, and women can drive just as well as men! I'm a good driver! can I take a look at your car or what?

From Mike Anderson to Andrea ******

no. I won't sell this car to a woman. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I made the roads a dangerous place. You should be riding public transportation, or have your husband drive you around.

From Andrea ****** to Me

I cant believe this. youre a dick! why did you let your wife drive the car if you are so against women driving?

From Mike Anderson to Andrea ******

She just bought it despite my issues with women driving, which is why we will be getting a divorce. Now unless your husband wants to buy the car, go back to making sandwiches and ironing, you self-righteous ****.

From Andrea ****** to Me

YOU ARE A ****ING ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T DESERVE YOUR WIFE!!!! YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!

THIS is sheer ****ing brilliance.

 

[staticprimer]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=31

Simply quoting this one would never do it justice.

 

[No Limit]

Best site I've seen in a while, keeping me entertained at work.

 

[Remus]

It boggles the mind why these people even bother to respond to this trash.
Obvious troll is obvious.

Oh wait, what was I thinking, people are stupid.

 

[jimbo118]

I can't laff when i know it's fake

 

[jet_porkins]

My favorite:

Original ad:
im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email
From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
Hey,

I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

Mike

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
do you have a number you can be reached at?

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
i just tried that and it is not working

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait are you calling from Philly?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yes

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
IT ISNT WORKING

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
it says that is not a working number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
**** this. forget it

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?

 

[Baal]

What a magnificent asshole this fine gentlemen is.

 

[Sledgehammer]

Original ad:
litter of 5 kittens. two orange, two black, one mixed-grey. all are three weeks old and looking for a good home!
From Yin Chang to *********@***********.org

hello

i buy all kitten you have. how much?

- yin chang

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

Sorry. These kittens are not being sold for food.

Hehehehe.

Also, remember the read the comments from Duncan.