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For Immediate Release
July 31, 2004
FEC ANNOUNCES BOLD CHANGES IN WAY PRESIDENTS ARE ELECTED
WASHINGTON -- The Federal Elections Commission today announces a new process to determine the winner of the 2004 Presidential Election.
After the voting problems experienced in Florida in 2000, the FEC worked closely with Florida officials to design amd develop new ballots and voting procedures designed to minimize confusion and eliminate uncertainty as to voter intent.
However during extensive tests of the new ballots, a disproportionate number of voters still managed to vote for Patrick Buchanan-- even when Buchanan's name didn't appear on the ballot.
Since it is well known that nobody would ever knowingly vote for Pat Buchanan. Three things were determined. 1) that all the new ballot designs were a failure, 2) that it was impossible to design a fair ballot. 3) A bold new approach to elections was required.
The US constition mandates that the US President is chosen by Electors in the Electoral College. However it is not specific onn the method by which electors are chosen. There is no requirement that electors be chosen by popular vote.
The FEC has designed a new method to choose electors that will be utilized starting in the 2004 race. It will involve the candidates competing in a series of competitions for points. Each point translates into one electoral vote.
The events are as follows:
50 meter Bicycling Event
A point will be given for each meter completed before the candidate takes a tumble. There will be a 10 point penalty for plowing into any UN observers.
Swear off
The candidates and their wives will participate in this event. The idea is to hurl as many expletives as you can at the other side. The challange is that there will be roving FCC commissioners, Five points for a sucessful expletive. However, a Ten point "fine" will be levied if an FCC commissioner hears it. New York Times writer, Adam Clymer, Senator Patrick Leahy, and Colin McNickle, of Pittsburgh Tribune-Review will be on hand to help provide inspiration to the candidates.
Medal Toss
The candidates must toss medals over a fence. 5 points for each successful medal tossed, a 5 point penalty for tossing ribbons, 10 point penalty for tossing somebody else's medals, and 20 point penalty for tossing a medal directly at a UN observer.
Pretzel-Eating contest
Candidates will be required to sit on a sofa and eat pretzels for two minutes while watching a football game. Two points will be granted for each pretzel successfully eaten. A Choked-on pretzel will not be considered successfully eaten, Nor will the clock be stopped if the candidate passes out
because of it.
Snowboard slalom course
Candidates must successfully snowboard around strategically placed Secret Service agents. 5 points for each Secret Service agent successfully missed. If the candidate hits a Secret Service agent and yells an expletive at him, that expletive will not count towards the "Swear off" event. However if the candidate hits a UN observer, any expletives successfully uttered will be considered valid.
Segway Race
Similar to the bicycle event, except on Segway scooters. Since it is known to be impossible to fall off of a Segway, the first candidate to cross the finish line will be awarded 90 points.
These events will be aired live on Election day in a special prime-time reality-style show.
July 31, 2004
FEC ANNOUNCES BOLD CHANGES IN WAY PRESIDENTS ARE ELECTED
WASHINGTON -- The Federal Elections Commission today announces a new process to determine the winner of the 2004 Presidential Election.
After the voting problems experienced in Florida in 2000, the FEC worked closely with Florida officials to design amd develop new ballots and voting procedures designed to minimize confusion and eliminate uncertainty as to voter intent.
However during extensive tests of the new ballots, a disproportionate number of voters still managed to vote for Patrick Buchanan-- even when Buchanan's name didn't appear on the ballot.
Since it is well known that nobody would ever knowingly vote for Pat Buchanan. Three things were determined. 1) that all the new ballot designs were a failure, 2) that it was impossible to design a fair ballot. 3) A bold new approach to elections was required.
The US constition mandates that the US President is chosen by Electors in the Electoral College. However it is not specific onn the method by which electors are chosen. There is no requirement that electors be chosen by popular vote.
The FEC has designed a new method to choose electors that will be utilized starting in the 2004 race. It will involve the candidates competing in a series of competitions for points. Each point translates into one electoral vote.
The events are as follows:
50 meter Bicycling Event
A point will be given for each meter completed before the candidate takes a tumble. There will be a 10 point penalty for plowing into any UN observers.
Swear off
The candidates and their wives will participate in this event. The idea is to hurl as many expletives as you can at the other side. The challange is that there will be roving FCC commissioners, Five points for a sucessful expletive. However, a Ten point "fine" will be levied if an FCC commissioner hears it. New York Times writer, Adam Clymer, Senator Patrick Leahy, and Colin McNickle, of Pittsburgh Tribune-Review will be on hand to help provide inspiration to the candidates.
Medal Toss
The candidates must toss medals over a fence. 5 points for each successful medal tossed, a 5 point penalty for tossing ribbons, 10 point penalty for tossing somebody else's medals, and 20 point penalty for tossing a medal directly at a UN observer.
Pretzel-Eating contest
Candidates will be required to sit on a sofa and eat pretzels for two minutes while watching a football game. Two points will be granted for each pretzel successfully eaten. A Choked-on pretzel will not be considered successfully eaten, Nor will the clock be stopped if the candidate passes out
because of it.
Snowboard slalom course
Candidates must successfully snowboard around strategically placed Secret Service agents. 5 points for each Secret Service agent successfully missed. If the candidate hits a Secret Service agent and yells an expletive at him, that expletive will not count towards the "Swear off" event. However if the candidate hits a UN observer, any expletives successfully uttered will be considered valid.
Segway Race
Similar to the bicycle event, except on Segway scooters. Since it is known to be impossible to fall off of a Segway, the first candidate to cross the finish line will be awarded 90 points.
These events will be aired live on Election day in a special prime-time reality-style show.
