General Poetry Thread.

[Sloth]

As dekstar just commented - please feel free to post any poetry that you have lying around. Please do not be overly harsh with any comments, as mostly poetry comes from the heart.

I think I'll start us off.

Here comes the tide
To sweep a country wide
Over the old green
Comes new red
Over the old green
Comes the scaring brown
Over the old green
Comes the shovels and the drums
To the land of no man’s claim.

As whistles blow,
Vaulting tunics
Over the line.
To the hail of lead
To the rain of war
As It flows
Mud Brown and Old Green
Will be sprayed new red.
To pool upon the land of no mans claim.

Have you heard the eagles cry?
For their mothers they wail
A land and a sea away
Did you hear the cries?
For that which they hold dear.
But those dearest will never know
The horrors they have seen;
Fighting the brown, green and red
Over the land of no man’s claim.

Within them all
The drums beat
The things of lead
The things of steel
Cause the old green,
Now tainted brown,
To become new red.
To stain the land of no man’s claim.

Hear the drums
Behind the lines.
As beings of Steel, Brass and power,
Soar as if eagles;
Above the land of no man’s claim.
Listen, to the whistle of war eagles
while shivering in the brown;
The drum’s thunder
The eagles cry.
All rumbling over the old green
To cause a new red.
Another unshaven chin.
Another drop in the pool.
Over the land of no man’s claim.

As brass falls
As lead flies
Old Green, now Brown
Is dug and pocketed.
Those fallen,
Just another in the brown
Of No Man’s Claim.

Did you know the Green?
Or will you only ever know the Brown and Red.
The grains of dirt
The droplets of water
And of Red.
Your boots are filled
Your tunic stale with the red mud
Your mind is filled with
The curse of Mud and Blood.

 

[Sheepo]

The bells bells bells bells bells bells bells.

 

[Dekstar]

Tunnel of Love

Last ride of the evening, and I stand
behind you, nudging you into the tunnel of love--
a run-down, dangerous-looking attraction, likely banned
from more up-standing fair-grounds. Above
us in the cart I see a spider web, though
whether real, or forgotten decal from the time
the ride used to be a haunted mansion, I know
you wouldn't appreciate its rich history so I'm
keeping your face occupied by kissing you
as the cart--a retrofit christmas sleigh, goes through
the threshold of the ride.

As soon as we're in darkness, I decide
to kiss you passionately, my hands
caressing your body like a slip 'n' slide,
not knowing where to end up. One lands
on your breast, and a swift contact
with my right cheek bone
causes an immediate retract
and apology in the form of a groan.
Soon though, we get back down to business.
We start it slow, with a kiss
and slight suck of your bottom lip.

Seems to work. Seconds later we slip
off the sleigh into a dark section,
and while we clearly don't have time to strip
to an acceptable state, my erection
couldn't care less. Finally able
to breathe, it pokes out my fly
like a counterweight keeping me stable,
on balance, but hard as I try
I just cannot find a suitable hole,
and as soon as I do manage to cajole
it into you, I hear a scream

like a banshee, and while I only gleam
the sight of a family with a young kid
staring in horror as I attempt to ream
you, I immediately think we should have hid
a little better. I hide my protruding flesh
as fast as possible, but the guard
is faster, and decides to refresh
my cheek pain with another frankly too hard
back-hand, followed with a punch to my side.
In an arm-lock, my hands tied,
I'm led out leaving behind my pride.

Onlookers watch as I'm thrown
out of the funfair, and, on the courtcase thereof
I may soon be widely known
as the guy in jail for sexual indecency in the tunnel of love.

 

[Reginald]

Dekstar this is your best yet. Although the word erection makes me uncomfortable in the context of an otherwise relatively clean-worded poem.

 

[Sloth]

Dekstar, that's an amazingly fun poem - it works well and flows nicely.

 

[Dekstar]

Thanks you guys, I do like the style but it's kinda hard to do, takes a lot of work to have it rhyme and read normally. I've done another (shorter) one and want some feedback as to if it also works.

Parental Obligation With Perks (Working Title)

I met a man. he looked surprised
to see my digital camera, upon exiting the strip joint,
pointed at his face. I simply advised
he got a real girlfriend, I suppose my point
being that he wasn't exactly in his prime,
and while his reply was along the line
of “I haven't the time,” I interjected, explaining that a dime,
or dollar, spent in there could take a real woman out to dine,
“you know, show her a good time,”
I'd say. He had none of it.
“I haven't got that much money,” he started
“I have a wife and kids to support,” and my eyes lit
up, for no sooner had that sentence departed
from his mouth, I burst out in laughter.
“Then what are you doing in this seedy place?”
I asked, adding “seeing your daughter
and helping pay her college fees?” And winked, but his face
suggested I was right. I thought it unwise
to pursue further questioning.

 

[Sloth]

I really have no idea what this is, but I'm tired and I like it:

In that careful hour,
when the eyelids are heavy,
The body tired and
the world a touch softer.
When the mind begins to slow,
those numbered sheep approach
as my muse whispers tidings

Shepherding away sleep
I embrace the shrill cry of
those majesties of imaginations
to let wander the mind.

So finally my eyelids close shut
My head falls onto the keyboard.
Asleep I heard my sheep through
fields that only a winged muse
Might ever provide.

 

[Dekstar]

Good poem Sloth. A few things that I didn't get were references to the muse. I define it as the source of inspiration, so are you saying sleep is your inspiration? If that's the case, perhaps making that a little more obvious would help. Also the 'winged muse' doesn't make sense to me, but probably for the reasons above.
The last thing is that by the third stanza, in my mind I had already imagined the character's eyes to be shut, but the first line kinda trips me up because of it. Perhaps rejigging the second stanza to make sure the reader knows their eyes are still open.

But yeah I did really enjoy it, though I can't say I've ever fallen asleep at my keyboard.

 

[Sloth]

2nd Attempt - not sure if I like it more or less...

Shepherding Sleep

In that careful hour,
when the eyelids are heavy,
The body tired and
the world a touch softer.
When the mind begins to slow,
those numbered sheep approach
waiting to be counted a herded, but
my muse whispers tidings, that
I must follow to the rim, tidings
that grow in size as my mind races.
Soon sings the muse as if
the assembled choir of angels
guides me to my mind’s eye.

Shepherding away sleep
I embrace the shrill cry of
those majesties of imaginations
to let wander the mind.
And let wander fingers across keys,
Spilling words that on screen
Then soak my eyes with light.
I type while the muse sings
only hearing her blissful song
balancing on the rims of waking and sleeping

So finally my eyelids close shut
My head falls onto the keyboard.
Asleep I heard my sheep through
meadows that only a winged muse
Might ever provide.

 

[Dekstar]

"waiting to be counted a herded, but"
that 'a' needs to be 'and'.
Also there's a repetition of 'rim'/'rims' in both poems. I'm not sure if that's your aim but for me the fact it's not an oft-used word makes it stand out as repetition. This could work though if you wanted it for that effect, but I didn't get the link.

Uhm the only other thing I'd say is more of a general comment with poetry, and that's that successful poetry tends to create very concrete images of things. This can seem cliched, but if you don't give someone a visual in their head reading it, then you've failed. Using common metaphors or similes to give this effect works better 90% of the time than trying to be too obfuscated in your imagery.