Global Resistance

[Dsty2001]

This is my first attempt at writing a story. If people likes the beggining, I will add more content. View the story here!

 

[The DemonWithin]

nice job man, if your up for it, you should make some hl2 fan fiction as well, i always enjoy reading those.

 

[Dsty2001]

Thanks, I've had some mixed feelings on other boards. I've already got the 2nd part planned out, just not written down.

 

[SidewinderX]

It's a start, but i;d like to see more

 

[Tr0n]

Oh yea I like how to start the Intro out.I always like to read stuff that deals with global destruction or something of that nature.I hope you get the second part done!!!Hurry!!!!

 

[Dsty2001]

Oh well, I guess I'll put part 2 in tonight, cause this is when things start to tence up. I need to see if people like the approach im going

 

[Tr0n]

I like how you started it out.I liked how you try to pull the person in by giving a little tease about what happens later into the story.

 

[Dsty2001]

Did you like the 2nd part?

 

[Tr0n]

Hell yea.You going just keep this as a story or make a book?

 

[ductonius]

Dude, you might want to drop the second person writing style. Choose first or third, much better than second. Only choose-your-own-adventures are written in second person.

 

[Tr0n]

What do you mean second person.To me it seems like first person.

 

[ductonius]

Originally posted by Tr0n
What do you mean second person.To me it seems like first person.

First person = "I did this, I did that"

Third person = "He did this, he did that"

Second person = "you did this, you did that"


From the first section:

It reeks of a horrid decay down here, making you want to gag almost everytime you inhale.

At least, he's mixing first and second in with each other, which is also not advisable.

 

[Tr0n]

Well in my opinion he should keep it how it is.Anyways that was only 1 sentence.The rest is 1st person like how he wrote "When I arrived at home, I immediately headed to my room to sleep, but that task alone was hard to achieve".<thats first person

 

[Tr0n]

I say he should keep mixing it.At least it is making it diffrent from other books,novels,stories, etc...

 

[ductonius]

Originally posted by Tr0n
I say he should keep mixing it.At least it is making it diffrent from other books,novels,stories, etc...

Different in this case = bad.

A novelist is aiming for suspention of disbelief. They want what the person reads to be translated into an image in thier head.

When a novelist starts throwing "you" in there, it sucks a person out of that happy little dreamland and into the real world and makes them think about themsleves, which sucks immensly.

But dont believe me, I've only been writing storeis since I was a child and have a web-novel thats up to 43 issues now.

 

[Tr0n]

Well i read over it again.I guess your right.But I'm going to to bed now.So i'll argue about this tommorow.

 

[Dsty2001]

Doh, I meant to keep this at first person, I will go through and change some of it when I get home.

 

[Dsty2001]

I have a feeling you guys will LOVE part 3

 

[Dsty2001]

Part III will be up in a few, I'm tired so I need sleep first

 

[Tr0n]

Can't wait for Part 3!!!Hurry!!!!

 

[Dsty2001]

Sorry for the delay guys, I came down with strep(sp?) throat last night and fell asleep and I just woke up.

 

[Farrowlesparrow]

At least, he's mixing first and second in with each other, which is also not advisable. [/B][/QUOTE]


Thats something people do all the time without thinking.

They don't use proper English. Instead of saying things like "One does this" they say "You do this" Not necessarily meaning the person they are talking to but just people in general.

Anyway, your right im just saying that

 

[ductonius]

Originally posted by Farrowlesparrow
At least, he's mixing first and second in with each other, which is also not advisable.

Thats something people do all the time without thinking.

They don't use proper English. Instead of saying things like "One does this" they say "You do this" Not necessarily meaning the person they are talking to but just people in general.

Anyway, your right im just saying that [/B][/QUOTE]

I know what you mean. I wasnt saying he was a bad person or anything for doing it, just that he was, and he should try to avoid it.

The setup for the story seems to be good, and he seems to have a good sense of the location he wants when he writes.