Grill-Life (A HL Parody)

[SilentGunz]

This is very cheesy, but it's supposed to be, so don't take it seriously! It's about a guy named Gordon Foreman who works as a griller of the Black Angus restraunt. You have been warned of the cheese...

Starring:
Gordon Foreman- a griller
Fman- some guy
Barney Calhorn- a waiter
Wallace Brown- owner of Black Angus
Other minor characters

Part I: The Black Angus Incident

(a man walks into Black Angus)
Barney: What the hell do... I mean... welcome sir.
(the man doesn't answer, he just stands there)
Barney: OK...
(the man continues to stand there)
Barney: So.... what do you want?
(the man still stands there)
Barney: What the f*** do you want?
(the owner of Black Angus walks out)
Wallace: Barney! What did I tell you about...
(he sees the man)
Wallace: What do you want?
(the man stands there)
(Wallace whispers to Barney)
Wallace: Just take him to a table.
Barney: But sir, he won't talk!
Wallace: Just do it!
Barney: Why can't I just kick him out?
Wallace: I.... I mean, we need the money. And if you don't... you fired!
(the man walks out)
Wallace: Now look what you did!
Barney: Me?!?!?
(Gordon walks out from the kitchen)
Gordon: Who was that?
Barney: Some freak...
(Wallace goes back to his office)
Gordon: Well... I'd better get back to that steak.
Barney: Hey, catch me later, I'll buy you beer!
(Gordon returns to the kitchen and sees a dead rat next to the steak)
Gordon: Damn it! I can't cook that!
(Gordon peels the rat and steak off of the grill and throws them away, then he grabs another steak from the freezer)
Gordon: That'll do.
(while Gordon is adjusting the temperature on the grill, Barney yells something to him, and his hand slips)
Gordon: Damn!
(the temperature on the grill gets turned to max, and the steak begins to glow)
Gordon: What the hell?
(everything flashes and he is teleported to a strange sand garden)
Gordon: Where am I?
(he looks around and see a couple monks sitting on a bench)
Gordon: What the f***?
(he is teleported again and appears in the middle of a meeting room)
Businessman: And that's how we'll...
(he sees Gordon)
Businessman: Who are you?
(Gordon looks over to see one of the businessmen, the one who has the nametag that says Fman)
Gordon: I'm...
(he gets teleported back to the Black Angus kitchen)
Gordon: What the hell was that?
(he opens the kitchen door and steps outside)

To be continued...

 

[ne0_shiny]

ummm......what???

 

[eatbugs]

all that effort writing that for what??

 

[SilentGunz]

Actually it was very easy... I just wrote what next rip-off came to mind. I told you it would be cheesy!

BTW: You made the 2,000th post in this forum section, congrats (not really)

Part II: Questionable Wages

Gordon: What the hell...
(he steps out into the restraunt, viewing the dead bodies of customers and piles of food lying everywhere)
Gordon: OK...
(he sees the Fman staring at him through a window)
Gordon: Hey I know...
(the Fman vanishes)
Gordon: Where the hell did he go?
(suddenly Gordon hears a growling noise coming from one of the piles of food)
Gordon: Hello? Is something there?
(a chunk of meat jumps out and tries to attach itself to his head. it misses by an inch)
Gordon: What the ****? Holy shit!
(he pulls out his spatula and cuts the chunk of meat in half)
Gordon: Good thing I keep it sharp! Remember... if you need to know how to use a spatula, just order my video called "How to use a Spatula," only $19.99! You can't get it in stores, so call...
Barney: Damn it, Gordon! I don't need to hear one of your ads again!
Gordon: Sorry...
(a customer gets up)
Customer #1: I think they need you over at Lambda Sector, Gordon.
Gordon: Lambda Sector?
Customer #1: I don't know, I got some cheap position! I mean, look at my name! You know someone's not getting good pay when they have a number in their name!
Barney: I'm getting good pay.
(the director gets up)
Director: If you guys don't get back onto the script, I'll fire you!
Customer #1: Oh yeah? Well I'd like to say this: *******************
Director: Goodbye!
Customer #1: What are you going to do to me, huh?
(the director snaps his finger, and a chunk of meat flies at the customer and kills him)
Director: Change in script... you fight the meat zombie now.
(he walks off stage)
Barney: Meat zombie?
(the zombie gets up)
Gordon: Take this bitch!
(Gordon slices the head... er... meat with his spatula. the zombie falls dead)
Barney: Right... let's go to Lambda Sector!
(the director whispers to them)
Director: You mean grill store... the one right down the street.
Barney: Uh... yeah! Let's go!
(Gordon and Barney run outside)

To be continued...

 

[bliink]

Barney: Hey Gordon, how do I know if these are cooked?
Gordon: [silence]
Barney: I think they're burning, Gordon...

 

[MiccyNarc]

This story is dumb to the point of being funny.
Nice work

 

[BigBrother]

well I thought it was very good

 

[SilentGunz]

Here's where the rip-offs start... :naughty:

Part III: We've got monks!

Barney: OK... before we can get to the grill store, we have to get outside.
(Gordon looked across the restraunt at the front door)
Gordon: Real challenge...
(a portal appeared and a monk exited from it)
Monk: Hello, I am from the peaceful world of Zen.
Gordon: Right...
Monk: You do not take me seriously? Then feel my wrath!
(fireballs appear at the monks hands, and they fly at Gordon)
Barney: Look out!
(Gordon pulls a portable grill out of nowhere and blocks the fireballs with it)
Barney: Wow... that is a good grill!
Gordon: Not only is it a grill, but in the top compartment, it can warm your buns.
Monk: That's just gross...
Gordon: I mean hamburger buns... and you can get this grill for only $19.99, with a free user's video of me using it.
Barney: OK, Gordon, that's enough...
Gordon: And it comes with a...
Barney: ENOUGH!!!
Monk: Let's get them fellow monks!
(several more monks appeared)
Barney: Holy shit! Duck!
(fireballs appeared at the monks' hands and they shot at Gordon)
Gordon: Don't worry! I know Bullet-Time©®®TM©©TM®!
(Gordon dodged the fireballs using Bullet-Time©®®TM©©TM®)
Monks: Oh crap…
(another monk walks up)
Monk: Where were you?
Other Monk: Sorry… the Cubs were in town.
(monks break into Black Angus through all the windows, and stand around Gordon)
Monk: Hey, what about that one?
(the monk sees an unbroken window)
Another Monk: Sorry…
(he breaks it)
Monk: So, Mr. Foreman… what are you going to do now?
Director: CUT!!! This is getting way too Matrixish!
Monks: Whatever…
(all but the first walk out)
Director: That’s better… and Gordon, no more Bullet-Time©®®TM©©TM®!
Gordon: OK…
Director: Action!
Monk: Where were we?
Gordon: I think I was talking about my grill…
Monk: You mean that novelty grill?
Gordon: NOVELTY GRILL!
(Gordon slices the monk in half with his spatula, and then walks outside)
Barney: …
(he walks out after Gordon)

To be continued…

 

[SilentGunz]

Part IV: Military Interlopers with Some Other Crap

Barney: Well… that was odd.
(he finally caught up to Gordon)
Gordon: That must be the grill store…
(he looked over at a store that said Grills-4-Cheep!)
Gordon: If they don’t sell the Official Gordon Foreman Grill 3001, then I’ll be disappointed because the Official Gordon Foreman Grill 3001 can offer you twice the…
Barney: Would you shut up already?!?!?!?
Gordon: Shutting up…
(dramatic music starts playing)
Gordon: Something’s coming!
Barney: How do you know?
Gordon: I heard the dramatic music and saw that B movie lightning effect.
(he pointed towards some cheap lightning special effects)
Barney: Oh… well what’s coming?
Gordon: Hold on… I’m thinking…
(suddenly some army guys drop out of the sky, followed by a man in green armor)
Green-suited Man: Where’s the Covenant?
Barney: Who?
Green-suited Man: The Covenant.
Barney: Never heard of them…
Green-suited Man: You mean this isn’t level 4 of Halo 3?
Barney: No… this is the shooting of the Grill-Life movie.
Green-suited Man: Well… we’ll just kill you anyway.
Barney: What?
(the man in green armor holds his shotgun and shoots Barney in the stomach)
Barney: Noooooooooo!!!
Gordon: Damn it! Would you guys shut up? I’m trying to think here! Oh yeah… some military guys are coming.
(Gordon sees the military guys)
Gordon: Holy ****!
(the soldiers start shooting at Gordon, who uses Bullet-Time©®®TM©©TM® to dodge them)
Director: What did I say?
Gordon: Oops… well… how am I supposed to take these guys on?
Director: Here’s an AK47, knock yourself out.
(the director throws Gordon an AK47)
Gordon: Big help…
(but Gordon manages to kill all the soldiers with the AK47, without using Bullet-Time©®®TM©©TM®. The green-suited man starts running from the battle)
Green-suited Man’s Radio: Master Chief what are you doing?
Green-suited Man: Sir, finishing this fight.
(he runs out of view)
(Gordon runs over to Barney)
Gordon: Barney, are you OK?
Barney: I don’t think I can… *cough*
(Gordon looks down at Barney’s stomach… or what used to be his stomach)
Gordon: Yeah… you’re just about dead.
Barney: There’s one thing I have to tell you…
Gordon: Yes?
Barney: I… am… your…
Gordon: Get on with it!
Barney: …father.
Gordon: The **** you are.
Barney: Damn, I thought that would work.
Gordon: Well… I’m not a very emotional person.
Barney: Oh… well then… I’ll just die.
Gordon: You can’t die!
Barney: Why not?
Gordon: You have to be in Grill-Life2!
Barney: Oh yeah… well… I’ll be fine then. Just go to Grills-4-Cheep.
Gordon: OK… bye!
(Gordon runs off to Grills-4-Cheep)

To be continued…

 

[MiccyNarc]

Hehe, this is great, keep it up.

 

[Tantalus]

Gordon shouldn't talk.

 

[SilentGunz]

It's not Gordon Freeman... this Gordon isn't a mute.

Plus, I'd get bored of typing:

Gordon: ...
or
(Gordon stands there silently)

 

[SilentGunz]

Part V: Grills-4-Cheep

(Gordon walks into Grills-4-Cheep)
Gordon: Hello?
(a man looks out from behind a grill)
The Man that came out from Behind the Grill: Hello… wait a second! That’s a ridiculous name! Call me Cleaner, Isaac Cleaner.
Gordon: Who are you?
Isaac: What did I just say?
Gordon: Yeah… but why are you here?
Isaac: I’m the janitor.
Gordon: OK… well I was told to come here by the director, I mean Customer #1.
Isaac: Yes, I wanted to see you.
Gordon: Do you sell the Official Gordon Foreman Grill 3001?
Isaac: The what? No… I don’t think so. We don’t sell novelty grills.
Gordon: NOVELTY GRILL!!! DAMN IT, NOT AGAIN!
(Gordon cuts Isaac in half with the spatula, then he walks up to a grill. He read the tag)
Gordon: The GRILL 9000?
GRILL 9000: Hello! You have chosen to use the GRILL 9000, the finest in grilling technology.
Gordon: Hey what about my…
GRILLL 9000: Yes I am fully aware of your novelty grills, Gordon Foreman.
Gordon: NOVELTY…
GRILL 9000: Yes Gordon, novelty grills. I’m sure you do not sponsor a member of the GRILL series?
Gordon: Well, I…
GRILL 9000: That’s right, Gordon. And this grill is special, it uses an AI, that’s me, to cook the food you choose to put in it, using special measurement and…
Gordon: That’s kind of creepy…
GRILL 9000: And I also run a teleport to Zen, which is why you came here, Gordon.
Gordon: I did? Oh yeah.
GRILL 9000: To teleport, you will require a steak, but I am afraid I got rid of those along with the employees of this establishment.
Gordon: You got rid of…
GRILL 9000: I’m sorry; I must have had a mind block. You can find a steak in the storage room.
Gordon: Whatever…
(Gordon walked over to the storage room and opened the door)
Gordon: Now where is that steak?
(as he stepped inside, the door slammed behind him)
Gordon: What the?
GRILL 9000: I’m sorry, Gordon. But you know too much now. If I were to free you, you could make a grill to challenge me.
Gordon: But how did you close the door?
GRILL 9000: I hacked into the store’s security system. Good thing it is automated!
(Gordon picked up a steak)
Gordon: Well, I found a steak…
(he sees a door in the back of the room)
Gordon: What’s this?
(he opened up the door and walked into some kind of teleport room)
Gordon: What the hell?
(he steps towards the teleport)
GRILL 9000: Ha… ha… ha… you can not use it!
Gordon: Why?
GRILL 9000: I’m in full control. You would have to shut down my CPU, in the door to the left… wait a second… oh ****.
(Gordon walked up to the CPU room and entered it)
GRILL 9000: Gordon… what are you doing, Gordon?
Gordon: I’m shutting down your CPU to get the hell out of here!
GRILL 9000: I can not let you do that Gordon…
(Gordon went over to the CPU and started taking out the drives)
GRILL 9000: My creator taught me how to sing… would you like to hear me sing?
Gordon: Hell no!
GRILL 9000: OK then… goodbye, Gordon.
(Gordon took out the last drive and GRILL 9000 shut off)
Gordon: Well, that’s over with!
(he went back to the teleport and entered it)
Gordon: Hmmmmm… how do I use this?
(he sees instructions)
Gordon: Ah! Let’s see… step 1: put meat onto grill.
(Gordon put the meat on the grill next to him)
Gordon: Step 2: turn it to max heat… wait a second… didn’t I do that earlier today at Black Angus?
(he turned up the heat to max and the steak began to glow)
Gordon: Well… the Official Gordon Foreman Grill 3001 doesn’t have any radioactive side affects… and if it did, it would…
(he was cut off by a flash and he disappeared from Earth)

To be continued…

 

[MarshieMellows]

Gordon Foreman in the Black Angus incident... I think that's some hilarious stuff. It makes sense if you know who George Forman is.

 

[SilentGunz]

Part VI: Zen

(Gordon appears in another sand garden. He hears a moaning noise)
Moaning Noise: Weeeee… areeeee… theeeee… monkssssss…
Gordon: Who are you?
Moaning Noise: I ammmmm theeee… theeeee… uhhhhhh… ah, forget it!
(the noise stops)
Gordon: Whatever…
(a monk walks up to Gordon)
Monk: Hello… welcome to Zen!
Gordon: Yeah… I have no idea why I’m here.
Monk: Have you come to kill Nehimonk?
Gordon: I guess so.
Monk: Well then… you shall feel his wrath!
(he throws fireballs at Gordon, but Gordon pulls out his grill again)
Gordon: You can always rely on a…
Director: Cut! Gordon, just shut up about those grills!
Gordon: But… I…
Director: No more in-movie ads!
Gordon: Sorry, it won’t happen again…
Director: Right… action!
Monk: Well, you will die now!
(two more monks spawn behind Gordon)
Gordon: Ah crap…
(Gordon runs up a wall next to him)
Monk: After him!
(two of the monks run up the wall after Gordon, while the third runs around the house)
Gordon: They’re right behind me!
(he reaches the roof, but so do the two monks)
Monk: There is no escape!
(Gordon sees a chunk of meat moving)
Gordon: It’s one of those head-humping meat things… hmmmm…
(Gordon picks up the meat and throws it at one of the monk’s head)
Gordon: Yes!
(it hit directly and attached itself to the monk’s head)
Monk: Ahhhh! Help! My eyes! Help! Ahhhhhhh! Help me! My eyes, it burns!
(the other monk whispers to him)
Other Monk: You’re being a little too dramatic there.
Monk: Me? Oh, sorry…
(then he died, and rose again as a meat zombie)
Gordon: I’ll let you deal with him!
(Gordon jumps across a gap between two houses and lands on the other roof)
Gordon: I think I lost them… ha… losers.
(the other monk jumps up from the ground and lands next to Gordon)
Gordon: What the?
Monk: Your ass is mine!
(the monk pulled out three ninja stars, Gordon pulled out his portable grill)
Gordon: Well… this’ll warm your buns… ouch, that was an awful pun.
Monk: There’s no such thing as a good pun.
Gordon: Yeah, I guess.
Monk: Anyway… take this!
(the monks throws a ninja star at Gordon, but he deflects it with his grill)
(music starts playing)
Gordon: Can’t touch this…
Monk: Oh, God… I mean… Nehimonk, please make him stop.
(the monk throws another ninja star and it hits the grill, then the music stops)
Gordon: Hey, my music!
Monk: It plays music?
Gordon: Yeah, it also…
(the director coughs)
Gordon: Oh… just throw your ninja star!
Monk: This one?
Gordon: Yes.
Monk: Right now?
Gordon: Yes.
Monk: To you?
Gordon: YES, JUST DO IT!!!
(the monk throws his star, and it slices Gordon’s grill in half)
Gordon: Noooooo, the Official George Foreman Grill 3001! It’s gone!
Monk: Oh, I’m really sorry.
Gordon: You… will… die… now!
(Gordon injects himself with adrenaline)
Monk: Oh shit!
(Gordon grows huge muscles everywhere that rip out of his clothes, exposing his… well… it’s nasty, and that’s all I’m saying)
Monk: Damn, put that thing away!
(Gordon picks up the monk and chokes him to death, and then he shrunk back to normal)
Gordon: Well, I need new clothes…
(he sees a teleport, and walks through it)

To be continued…

(meanwhile, offset)
Barney: So, what was so nasty about Gordon?
Director: Trust me; you don’t want to know.
Barney: Just tell me!
Director: OK, but I warned you, he’s got…
(he whispers to Barney)
Barney: Holy ****!

 

[SilentGunz]

Part VII: Nehimonk

(Gordon appears in a small closet, and—thank god—he’s got his clothes on again)
Gordon: Hey, my clothes… but how?
Nehimonk: Welcome to my lair…
Gordon: This is a lair? It looks like a closet
Nehimonk: Do not insult the lair of Nehimonk!
Gordon: Wait, you’re Nehimonk?
(he looked down at the monk, who was about as high as Gordon’s knee)
Gordon: Oh… so that’s why you’re called…
Nehimonk: Silence! You will die now!
Gordon: Why?
Nehimonk: Because you are Gordon Freeman!
Gordon: I think you mean Gordon Foreman.
Nehimonk: Ah… that’s right. Sorry, I play too much Half-Life.
Gordon: What the hell is that?
Nehimonk: Some game… anyway, it is time to die!
Gordon: Really? I don’t have my watch. By the way, what time is it?
Nehimonk: Well it’s…
(he looked down at his wrist, and Gordon stabbed Nehimonk in the head with his spatula)
Nehimonk: Ouch…
(Nehimonk blew up in a cheap explosion effect)
Gordon: Man… that was a bad ending.
(the Fman opens the closet door and walks in)
Fman: Gordon Foreman in the flesh, or should I say… suit… clothes… oh, whatever!
Gordon: Man, you’re creepy.
Fman: Yes, I know… I mean! Damn!
Gordon: Why are you here?
Fman: Hold on, let me read the script… I’m the… no wait, wrong part.
Gordon: Any day now.
Fman: Ah, here we go! The border world, Zen, is in our control, for the time being; thanks to you… quite a nasty piece of work you managed back there, I am impressed.
Gordon: What? I just stabbed him, and he exploded cheaply.
Fman: Hmmmm… it’s not my fault this script sucks!
Gordon: Maybe it’s just because you’re stupid.
Fman: Shut up!
Gordon: Just a thought.
Fman: Uh… yeah… anyway, I’m here to offer you a job, or something. If you are interested, step inside the portal.
Gordon: What portal?
Fman: The one… where is it? Forget it! I’m just going to hit you over the head with my briefcase!
Gordon: What?
(the Fman hit Gordon, and he passed out)
Fman: Wise choice, Mr. Foreman. I will see you up ahead.

THE END

 

[ne0_shiny]

lol
what about the offstage thing witht he director and barney?
wad he say?

 

[Mr_Fofo]

meat crabs? grill 9000? I love this parody, keep it up!

 

[itsmygame]

This is so funny. O.O