HL2: Human Apocolyps

[Blakrock]

Seing as I falied with Jin'set's freedom I desided to move on.

Prologue:

Daniel had the unknowing combine in his sights. His SV-98's scope is pointing at the combines head.

Daniel suddenly hears a shriek coming from the air and then an explosion. The combine runs away.

"DAMNIT! What was that?!" he asks himself

He hears combine reports on his hacked radio.

He hears "All units in sector BE 403211, report to coordinates, 123,84, ON THE DOUBLE!".

"Hmm I better go check this out." He thinks to himself.

He gets up straps his SV-98 to his back and runs over the roof tops, using specially placed boards to walk across roofs.

He comes to coordinates, 123,84, to find atleast 3 dozen combine soldiers, and a giant flaming ball.

"Woa!" he says. "I wonder what happend here."

One of the combines gives some hand commands and the others split up.

"Hmm that guy must be a higher rank. I might just snipe him." he says pulling out his SV-98.

He adjusts the scope and aims at the combine's head.

Then theres a giant white flash that blinds Daniel.

"Aghh! My eyes!".

The flash dissapears and he find the combine crouching behind some rocks.

He carfully aims at the combine's head again.

"OK... here we go." He whispers about to pull the trigger.

"Groarrrrr" Daniel hears coming from behind him.

Before he can turn around, hes blasted by something that knocks him off the rooftop twards the ground.

He blacks out just before hitting the ground.


Chapter 1: Escape from hell.

"Ughh... where am I?" Daniel says as he comes to.

When his eyes focus he finds himself in a prison cell.

"Your in prison citizen, got a problem with it?" He hears.

"Where are you... who are you?" Daniel asks.

"You can't see me but I'm in the cell to your right. I'm Prisoner 3024AC, but my friends call me Jack."

"Ughh.." Daniel replies still in pain. "Hello Jack, I'm Uhh I don't think I have a number yet but my name is Daniel."

"Look on your shirt." Jack replies.

Daniel looks down and notices hes in a prison outfit. He looks at his name tag.
It says 562EN.

"Whats your number?" Jack asks.

"562EN, whats it mean?" Daniel replies.

"EN means your safe from being executed. You're lucky." He replies.

"What about you? Your AC right?" Daniel asks.

"Ya... I'm not as lucky, AC is daily torturing." he replies

"WHAT?! They torture you daily?!" Daniel screams.

"SHH! Quiet! We're not even supposed to be communicating we'll get in trouble!" Jack whispers.

Daniel hears the door open.

"Whats going on in here?" A combine voice says.

Daniel stays silent.

"I said, What's going on in here!" The combine says a little louder.

"Sorry officer, this guys new and did not know about the no talking rule." says Jack.

"Hmm... I'll let him off this time because no one explained to him" says the combine.

"Thank you officer" Daniel says.

The combine leaves the room.

Daniel's head throbs in pain again.

"Ughh... What happend?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" says Jack.

"I can't remember what happened to me." says Daniel.

He gets a flash back of him sniping and the blast knocking him off the building.

Suddenly the room turns red and Sirens shriek.

"Ah! Whats going on?!" Daniel yells.

"It means the prison is under attack." Jack replies.

"WHAT?!" Daniel yells.

There's an explosion but Daniel cant see it. Daniel ducks in cover behind his bed.

He sees these bee looking things fly across his cell and he hears, "AghH!!" with a combine voice.

The bees fly around a little more and then go back across his cell.

He heres big footsteps.

As it gets closer Jack says "Oh my... God.. It can't be.....".

The footsteps get closer and Daniel sees a big creature step infront of his cell.

The creature is dark purple, it has 3 red eyes, and its top half is covered in some kind of carapace, it has a small third arm comeing out of it's stomache but also two big arms, on one of the arms is some kind of object thats purple andhas three claw like things coming out of it.

The creature turns to look at Daniel.

He hears in a deep scary voice, "Stand back human." Daniel does as instructed to.

The creature uses his free hand and grabs the cell gate. He pulls and it flys open, crumbled.

"Come..." says the creature.

Daniel gets up slowly and walks over.

"What... who are you?" Daniel asks.

"I am Sretix, and I have come for you." says the creature.

Daniel looks to his right to see Jack for the first time.

Jack is shocked and is in a frozen panic.

"Can you brin him too wherever you are taking me?" Daniel asks the creature.

The creature looks at Jack as Jack is freed from his motionless state.

"Very well human." the creature tells Daniel.

He walks over to the cell and rips it open just like he did with daniels.

The building shakes and rubble falls from the cieling.

"Come! We must go NOW!" says the creature.

He runs out the hole he made in the wall and Jack and Daniel follow.

They find a small strange looking space ship outside.

Sretix runs inside and Jack and Daniel follow.

The ship starts to take off before the bay door closes. Daniel sees the prison burning to the ground. THe door closes.

Gas starts to seep in the room.

"HUh?! What's going on?!" Jack screams as Sretix grabs them each in one arm.

"Do not worry humans, this gas will just put you to sleep, we have a long journey." sretix says as Daniel looses his vision and falls asleep.

End chapter 1

 

[tinyxipe]

I like your ideas. The Jin'set story had potential as well. I would strongly advise against writing in the present tense, though. It feels very unnatural. While there is nothing wrong with a one sentence paragraph, a whole chapter of one or two sentence paragraphs is a bit odd.

Add in some more description. Where is Daniel sniping from? Where does the explosion come from? Nearby? Does he see it? When he runs across the boards on the rooftops, are they wobbly? Is Daniel agile on the boards or does it make him a little nervous? These kinds of details can add a lot to a story.

I would suggest spending some time reading other authors (not necessarily on this site). Pay close attention to how they use tense, form their paragraphs and use description. Please understand this is meant as constructive criticism. I like the ideas that you've come up with and would like to see where you are going with them.

Good luck!

 

[Blakrock]

Thanks. I'm going to continue with this story for now. Now that I know what to do I'll take more time making each chapter. And how I seperate the lines. Its nnot a new paragraph each one its just something other people do... to make it easier to read if you will. Ok thanks for you opininon.. Hmm Im thinking about adding Jin'set to this story maybe... Ill combine the 2.

 

[Blakrock]

Heres chapter 2

Chapter 2: A planet unknown

Daniel's vision returned to him, slowly darkness became blurs, and blurs became shapes, and the shapes became clear.
"Ughh where am I?" Daniel thinks.
"Wait... Now I remember." he says as it comes back to him.
Slowly, he pushes himself off the floor of the strange space craft. He then remembers Jack.
"Jack are you here? Jack?" he says. No reply. "Jack?". No reply again.
Suddenly Daniel's grabbed from behind by a strong force.
"AHGH! LET ME GO!" He screams, but the thing wont let go.
Daniel hears, "Ontri! Let the human go! NOW!". It was Sretix's voice.
The thing lets go of him.
Sretix walks up to Daniel. "I must appologize for the rudeness of Ontri. We are... well... very cautious ever sense.... it.... happened."
Daniel turns around to see another creature like Sretix, only this one is a little smaller in size. He turns back to Sretix, "Where's my friend, Jack?" he asks.
"Your... friend... has already woken up and has been taken to Retukan." Sretix says.
"What or who is Retukan?" Daniel asks.
"Retukan is our ...dwelling... It has many uses."
"So it's like a castle." Daniel assumes.
"I do not know what a castle is." Sretix replies.
"Never mind..." Daniel says.
Sretix makes some growling/snorting noises to Ontri and Ontri grabbes Daniel again, this time gentler.
"Where is he taking me?" Daniel yells to Sretix, as Ontri takes Daniel off the ship without Sretix.
"Do not worry human. He is taking you to Retukan. I shall be there soon." Sretix says back as the ship's bay door emits a steam and closes.

The planet is barren. There are things very strange about it. Some of the ground has a texture of something like bubble wrap but much stronger. Also there are floating platforms of stone that seem to be floating in midair without any support. Though the gravity doesn't seem to be different than earth's considering the way Ontri is walking. The sky is not one color, but many, swirls of cosmic dust clouds and stars can be seen. There is breathable, cool air. There is no vegetation.

Daniel sees Retukan come into view, or atleast he thinks its Retukan. A few minutes later they are there. It doesn't even look like a building, just a giant hill made of the bubblewrap-like ground. There doesn't even seem to be an opening. When Ontri and Daniel get to a certain part of the hill, Ontri instructs Daniel to go inside.
"How?" Daniel asks.
"Follow.. Human..." Ontri replies. It was obvious Ontri didn't speak good english.
Ontri walks up and through a part off the hill.
"Wow.." Daniel thinks to himself, and carefully goes through the ....wall....
The inside of Retukan is all made of the same bubblewrap-like material. It seemed this race didn't care much about looks.
Daniel follows Ontri into a room where he finds Jack sitting on a flat elevated surface, kind of like a chair.
"Hey Jack!" Daniel says in excitement.
Jack, sitting slouched, with his head down, looks up at Daniel.
".... You won't believe where we are Daniel." He says.
"Where?"
"Xen."

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Well thats the end of chapter 2. Ya I know it didnt have as much excitement as the first chapter, but this chapter is more like a "Plot" chapter, kind of like chapter 1 in HL2. Anyways.. I'll work on it more.