HL2:Jin'set's Freedom

[Blakrock]

Hey. This is my first post and my first story but I've been thinking about it for a long time here we go.
Prolouge:
"Is everything ready commander?". Commander Arko replies, "Yes sir Administrator Breen the troops are in position.". "Good... Good... that is all Commander". "Yes sir." Arko gets up and leaves the office.
Down at the base of the citadel:
The combine troops are waiting for the command to move out to crush the rebellion. Sargeant Tropid steps up to the troops and says "It is today fellow overwatch. The day we shall crush the rebellion!" The hundreds of combine thrust up their fists and yell "HOOAH! LONG LIVE THE COMBINE OVERWATCH!".

Tropid eyes the troops and says "You know what you must do! You may fall in battle, but you will be dying for a great cause. The ruleing of the Overwatch!"
Again a "HOOAH!"
"Do not fear for you also have the strength of the great combine technology beside you!" Tropid motions to the fleets of dropships, gunships, and striders as he says this. "Now MOVE OUT!".

Chapter 1:
Jin'set was different then the rest. He had given itself a name because he had a mind. Jin'set wanted to be free. He didn't want to be along side his mindless shells. He desided. I'm going to get out of here no matter how I have to do it. Suddenly he knew. The attack had commensed. He started by obeying orders. Then he thought "After I get far away enough from any 'intelegent' forces, I'll make my escape." He put leg after leg after leg in front of him to march forward. It would be hard for him to make his escape for its not easy for a towering giant to slip away unoticed.
They had made it to the outskirts of City 17. The beach was only a few hundred meters away. Jin'set moved his "eye" around looking to see if the coast was clear. It was. He slowly stepped away. He made it without anyone seeing him. He traveled as fast as he could. This giant. This combine creature with a mind unlike the others, had escaped and made use of his gift. Strider 05232AR was no longer just Strider 05232AR. He was Jin'set a free living creature.

Chapter 2:
In City 32:
Jenny walked up to Dr. Mensik. "Dr.?" she said. Dr. Mensik revolves in his chair and says "Yes Jenny? what is it?" "Eh... I'm curious if you could tell me more of your story.". Dr. Mensik looked down and shook his head. he never wanted to remember those days. Those what seemed endless days of horror and destruction. He never wanted to remember Black Mesa. "Very well Jenny, where was I before?". "The middle of day 03.". "Ah very well... ok. So me and my friends Drs. Derek and Hensley were preparing the final procedures for the portal testing. We were at our posts. And everything was going well." Jenny asks "Was that the day?". Dr. Mensik replies "No the black mesa incident was day 04. The next day. So after the testing was complete all the science personel retreated to our rooms. I woke up the next da...."
BRAAAAWWWWRRR BEEEEEEERRRRPPPPPP BRAAAAAAAWRR BEEEEEERRRRRRRRRP! "What now?!" says Dr. Mensik. The pesky alarm was going off. Mensik enters the elevator and takes it up to the 3rd floor. He walks into the security room to find Jim at the console. "whats going on Jim?" " well doc. We got a stray strider coming this way." "What?!" "You heard me doc a strider"... "Oh dear."

END chapter 2.
More to come soon.

 

[Blakrock]

Chapter 3:
"Well doc? What do you suppose we do?" asks Jim. "Put automatic defenses to standby but dont fire yet. We must see what a strider is doing here.". "Yes sir Doc". Jim presses a sequence of buttons on the console. The lights go out and are replaced with bright yellow lights. "Building on standby doc" says Jim. "good good.".

Jin'set notices the building. "This may not be good" he thinks as he turns twards the building. "I hope they dont fire at me I mean no harm to them. " "But... how can I show I mean no harm..."

"Doc, its coming this way." says Jim. "Dont fire Jim Dont fire!" replies Dr. Mensik.
Jenny comes up to the console. "Ken, I thinnk its confused" she says. Dr. Mensik turns to her. "how could a strider be confused I dont believe they have a mind.". "Yes but look at it. If it was against us it would have surely attacked by now." says Jenny. "Hmm... Perhaps you are right". replies Ken Menisk. "Im going out there to see whats going on.". "Doc, be careful that thing could crush you." says Jim. "Yes but Jenny has a point, it would have attacked by now."

Jin'set is just watching the building when he notices a door open. A buggy comes out of the door and is headed twards him. "Not good. What do I do?" he thinks to himself. The buggy stops about 50 meters away from Jin'set. He moves away. Inside of the buggy a man in a white lab coat gets out of the buggy. He says " Hello there. Are you uh... Lost? Why are you here?". Jin'set steps twards the man and widens his legs so his body can get to the man's level. He swivels his eye around observing the man. He thinks "If only I could communicate with the humans.". The man in the lab coat steps up and touches Jin's shell, then jerks back in fear in case the strider attacks. Jin does nothign though. "Hmmm You are different. You wandered off from the rest of your kind?" says the man. Jin, understanding, uses his legs to shake his body in a nodding sort of way. The man jumps "Remarkable! You understand english?" Once again Jin nods. "Amazing! Simply Amazing! Can you speak it too?". Jin shakes his body in response. "Oh well.. But Remarkable that you can understand English." "Tell me. Do you mean us any harm?" Jin shakes his body in response. "Why are you here then?". Jin does nothing. "Oh wait... that wasn't a Yes or No question" The man realizes. "Uh... would you like to come inside" the man says gesturing twards the building. Jin nods in reply. "very well follow me."

ENd chapter 3.

 

[Blakrock]

Chapter 4: Jin'set's past.

Jin could not remember his past well. He does'nt remember anything before the day. Day E042. Day E042, also known to the Citezens as Combine's Day off. It happened once a year and for some reason on that day every year nearly half of civil protection would be missing. No citezen knew what the Civil Protection were doing. Only The Combine knew. Day E042 is the day that Civil Protection mus answer an annual role-call. All Civil Protection had ot report to the citadel in City 17. However, the combine could not leave the other cities in the world without Civil Protection, so A half of civil protection was taken at a time. One shift in the day time. And one shift at late night when all Citezens were required to be in their homes. Aloso day E042 was a manufacturing day for the Combine. Along with the role-call, Many Striders, Dropships, Gunships, and Gunship Helicopters are created that day.

Day E042, year 2008. Darkness... nothing Jin could remember. Then suddenly, his "brain" is created, and he is born. However a striders body is completed before the legs are attached, so Jin just lays there waiting not knowing what is going on. He feels a crane clamp on to his body and lift him up. He sees and feels his legs attach to his body as he is finished. From then on he is fitted to be a strider war machine. His "brain" is programmed but it does not effect him much for he has a "mind".

The man in the lab coat now known as Ken Menisk, opens a collasal door and gestures Jin into it. Jin cant realise it, but Ken Menisk seems so familiar, the name and his looks, but Jin Can't exactly remember. Maybe his past goes farther back then his creation as a strider. Perhaps..
End chapter 4.

 

[BetaMaster]

Ok, I keep trying to get this through to people. I'll try again. Make the chapters MORE THAN one paragraph, ok? All of these put together could make a short first chapter. Try expanding on the world you've created. Make it a living, evolving universe that your character is interacting with. Also, run spellchecks. Citezens should be 'citizens', 'collasal' should be 'colossal'. There's a bunch of grammar mistakes, and such. It's also confusing when you don't end a line when a new character speaks.

Sorry if this is hard on you for a first post, but, I'm sick of all the half-assed stories made by people. Your story idea seems interesting, but with the writing, it's not nearly living up to its potential.

</rant>

 

[Edcrab]

Well, in an attempt to be a bit more positive, it's irrefutably an original idea.

But I'm going to have to agree with BetaMaster- spend a little longer on the editing, and make your chapters longer- I'm hardly the best example of this myself, but ensure that you round up paragraphs into chapters depending on what story developments occur, not just on their size.

 

[Blakrock]

No problem guys. Thanks for your help . Im going to abandon this story and start a new one that will be easier to make.