I failed my essay on relegion and science, and would like a little help..

[soulslicer]

Just a little. Mind you, I'm a 17-18 year old student who is going to sit for my GCSE A Levels and not some insane Uni-Thesis so don't mind the simplicity. So we got this essay recently, and the title was "Society lives by relegion/faith and develops by science. How true is this?" Well, I think I gave a pretty decent set of points tackling the social, political aspects of the issue at hand. Not to say it was fantastic, we had some insane time limit of slightly more than an hour.

Of course, I failed the essay miserably 22/50. I don't exactly get why, but the teacher says I didn't get to the crux of the issue and what the question was asking. Do give my essay a quick read, critique me perhaps, even tell me where I went wrong if your kindness prevails. Thank you helplife2.net.

Spoiler

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The 3 pages are above

 

[Rapstah]

Seems like a strange teacher seeing as he or she marked your grammar in a test that didn't depend on grammar at all.

Also wrong forum.

 

[DEATH eVADER]

GCSE A Levels

I didn't know you take those qualifications in Singapore?

 

[repiV]

I didn't know you take those qualifications in Singapore?

British qualifications are used all over the world, especially in the Commonwealth and former British colonies.

 

[Tyguy]

seems to me you made the assumption that the two are connected, which I think IS true, however your teacher apparently does not. Id talk to her and explain that the two are not seperate entities

 

[soulslicer]

Yeah I remember this kind of nonsense at leaving cert english - the teacher is both right and being a dick about it.
While the essay on it's own is actually reasonably well written if lacking some eloquence, the key to final level school essay writing is to slavishly answer the question, and I mean slavishly.
So the question is society lives by religion/faith and develops by science. How true is this?
So every paragraph has to refer to something in that question, tangents are very much forbidden.
When you started talking about medical fields you missed the questions thrust

What you need to be doing in each paragraph is take one example of society using faith as a guide for a living their daily lives (justice for example) and contrast it in the next paragraph with how science is able or unable to progress that example.
Then you move to say communications and write how religion/faith acts as a guide for how people should interact in community and then use the next paragraph to compare how technology has rewritten the rules using internet etiquette, global instant access to others etc. - aka how science has created development in society
For me it would be a way of using examples of 1. how religion/faith recommends how to deal with a situation (laws, morality, value of life, conflict) and ask does society live bythose recommendations and then 2. comparing/contrasting how science has changed the way that situation is actually dealt with and whether progress/development has occured in society as a result (you're not measuring raw development, you take telecommunications and ask has society become more or less communicative - you don't write that 100 years ago we had Morse code now we have mobile phones because that is not what the question asks). Then you conclude by saying if science is causing so much change, is living by fixed religious morals possible. A+

Rewrite the essay twice - 1st time answer the essay title robotically and get the teacher's feedback. The using that feedback your new essay will be near to exactly what is required. It's a style of writing that takes some practise is the first thing you need to realise - you need to learn to be laser beam like focused on the question in every paragraph you write. Good news is, a week is sufficient to get in the habit as long as you are willing to rewrite the essay each time it is corrected for as long as it takes to get the grade up. After that, you'll be sorted for any question type...

wow. Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I could have written in that style as you stated above. Although rewriting an essay which I failed does take some self-discipline, I think I would do it this time round, perhaps using the points you stated. Thanks!

 

[99.vikram]

Your teacher is right. He's also an a*shole to only give you 22/50.

 

[DEATH eVADER]

British qualifications are used all over the world, especially in the Commonwealth and former British colonies.

You learn something new everyday

 

[Escaep]

I hate to sound like an ass but maybe you should spell "religion" correctly?

:|

 

[Xendance]

Heh, soulslicer has always been one with poor spelling.

"Retarted" ... "Relegion"

LOLOLOL. Relegion. Ha, that's got to be my favourite.