Platinum
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September 16th 12:00 P.M. Still no Gold Date
Gabe: Shit, we need screenshots!!!!!
Doug: Yes ... Let's release a low resolution, low detail extremely aliased version of a pre released screenshot already seen in a magazine ...
Gabe: That's brilliant, now I am going to play with action figures ... Dont bother me again until 2005.
Gabe: Shit, we need screenshots!!!!!
Doug: Yes ... Let's release a low resolution, low detail extremely aliased version of a pre released screenshot already seen in a magazine ...
Gabe: That's brilliant, now I am going to play with action figures ... Dont bother me again until 2005.
InZaneFlea
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Gabe : Hey Doug?
Doug : Yeah Gabe?
Gabe : The community hates us now...I mean, it's not our fault. It's our damn publisher...And the hackers! I mean, we've been working our asses off to get this game to them for the past...What? 6 years? And this is the appreciation they give us? I mean look! I found this listening bug! It's horrible...
Doug : Well Gabe...They're all asshats...All asshats... -pat pat pat-
-The Reality at Valve-
Doug : Yeah Gabe?
Gabe : The community hates us now...I mean, it's not our fault. It's our damn publisher...And the hackers! I mean, we've been working our asses off to get this game to them for the past...What? 6 years? And this is the appreciation they give us? I mean look! I found this listening bug! It's horrible...
Doug : Well Gabe...They're all asshats...All asshats... -pat pat pat-
-The Reality at Valve-
Element Alpha
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Once upon a time,
in a galaxy far far away ...
On an incredibly big spaceship, somewhere in the galaxy:
Pilot: "We are approaching our destination. Inform the emperor."
Trooper: "Yes, sir!"
Meanwhile, in the emperor's chambers...
Gabe: "Hahaha. Our time is near. They will never know what hit them."
The trooper walks in. "Sir, we are approaching our destination."
Gabe: "Very good. Inform the Minister of information that he should proceed with our evil plan."
"Yes, sir"
A few minutes later ...
Doug:"Prepare for battle gentlemen. We are entering a danger zone. I see reporters coming in from sector 7A. Transfer power from steam and release contradictory release information to confuse them."
Trooper:"Information released, sir"
Doug:"Good work. I see they are taking the bait. This trick works so easily on their fragile minds. Let's get them out of their misery. Divert power from steam authentication and engage updating lasers to 150%. They'll never know what hit them."
Trooper:"They are losing latency, sir. They are starting to crash as we speak."
Pilot:"Sir! I see a forum post with a quick fix coming in at 6! Shall I dispatch a moderator?
Doug:"Hmmm...I'm not sure. Inform the emperor."
Trooper:"The emperor is coming, sir."
A few minutes later...
Gabe:"You idiots. Must I do everything myself?! What's the dammage so far?
Trooper:"Their fix seems to be working, sir. It is bypassing our artificial database congestion. I don't understand how this could be happening."
Gabe raises his hand and - ZAPP - he sends a red energy bolt to the trooper, completely desintegrating him."You have failed me for the last time. Doug, you know what to do. Proceed with the evil plan."
Doug picks up the radio:"Reporters, this is Doug Lombardi, speaking from the Valve Destroyer. Please, come in. I repeat, please come in. Over"
A few minutes of silence, when suddenly ...
"Gamespot, reporting in. We hear you loud and clear Mr.Lombardi."
Doug:"We are announcing another delay. The game must go through some more beta testing, we expect it to be shipped to Vivendi by...erm...november! Yes, I repeat, delayed till november!"
Gamespot reporter:"Roger Roger Mr.Lombardi. The carrots are cooking. The stew will be ready. Parrot Coconut Eggplant. Over."
Gabe:"Status report, NOW!"
Doug:"It seems our plan has worked. All main sites are down, taking the workaround with it. Our spammers are doing their work as well. Critical confusion mass is imminent."
Gabe:"Hmmm...Good. Engage steam DDOS anyway, just to be sure.
New trooper:"DDOS engaged, sir."
Doug:"Critical confusion mass reached. They won't be recovering from this one anytime soon."
Gabe:"Muhahahahaha."
Just when Gabe's laughter was about to reach its peak:
New trooper:"Incoming transmission, sir"
ZAPP - the new trooper desintegrates.
Cliffe:"Gabe, sir, we have terrible news. We have reports of cs players enjoying homemade maps of cs-source even with steam offline. Our system protection can't detect it. They are having fun, sir! Situation is desastrous!"
Gabe:"I don't have time for this. Start deleting random accounts. Fire at will! Fire at will!"
Cliffe:"Affirmative, sir"
Doug:"Good work, your majesty"
Gabe:"I know Doug, I know."
in a galaxy far far away ...
On an incredibly big spaceship, somewhere in the galaxy:
Pilot: "We are approaching our destination. Inform the emperor."
Trooper: "Yes, sir!"
Meanwhile, in the emperor's chambers...
Gabe: "Hahaha. Our time is near. They will never know what hit them."
The trooper walks in. "Sir, we are approaching our destination."
Gabe: "Very good. Inform the Minister of information that he should proceed with our evil plan."
"Yes, sir"
A few minutes later ...
Doug:"Prepare for battle gentlemen. We are entering a danger zone. I see reporters coming in from sector 7A. Transfer power from steam and release contradictory release information to confuse them."
Trooper:"Information released, sir"
Doug:"Good work. I see they are taking the bait. This trick works so easily on their fragile minds. Let's get them out of their misery. Divert power from steam authentication and engage updating lasers to 150%. They'll never know what hit them."
Trooper:"They are losing latency, sir. They are starting to crash as we speak."
Pilot:"Sir! I see a forum post with a quick fix coming in at 6! Shall I dispatch a moderator?
Doug:"Hmmm...I'm not sure. Inform the emperor."
Trooper:"The emperor is coming, sir."
A few minutes later...
Gabe:"You idiots. Must I do everything myself?! What's the dammage so far?
Trooper:"Their fix seems to be working, sir. It is bypassing our artificial database congestion. I don't understand how this could be happening."
Gabe raises his hand and - ZAPP - he sends a red energy bolt to the trooper, completely desintegrating him."You have failed me for the last time. Doug, you know what to do. Proceed with the evil plan."
Doug picks up the radio:"Reporters, this is Doug Lombardi, speaking from the Valve Destroyer. Please, come in. I repeat, please come in. Over"
A few minutes of silence, when suddenly ...
"Gamespot, reporting in. We hear you loud and clear Mr.Lombardi."
Doug:"We are announcing another delay. The game must go through some more beta testing, we expect it to be shipped to Vivendi by...erm...november! Yes, I repeat, delayed till november!"
Gamespot reporter:"Roger Roger Mr.Lombardi. The carrots are cooking. The stew will be ready. Parrot Coconut Eggplant. Over."
Gabe:"Status report, NOW!"
Doug:"It seems our plan has worked. All main sites are down, taking the workaround with it. Our spammers are doing their work as well. Critical confusion mass is imminent."
Gabe:"Hmmm...Good. Engage steam DDOS anyway, just to be sure.
New trooper:"DDOS engaged, sir."
Doug:"Critical confusion mass reached. They won't be recovering from this one anytime soon."
Gabe:"Muhahahahaha."
Just when Gabe's laughter was about to reach its peak:
New trooper:"Incoming transmission, sir"
ZAPP - the new trooper desintegrates.
Cliffe:"Gabe, sir, we have terrible news. We have reports of cs players enjoying homemade maps of cs-source even with steam offline. Our system protection can't detect it. They are having fun, sir! Situation is desastrous!"
Gabe:"I don't have time for this. Start deleting random accounts. Fire at will! Fire at will!"
Cliffe:"Affirmative, sir"
Doug:"Good work, your majesty"
Gabe:"I know Doug, I know."
C
Cybernoid
Guest
Doug: Hey, Half-Life 2 is going gold. 
Gabe: Yeah...
Doug: ...
Gabe: ...
Doug and Gabe laughed until they pissed their pants. The end.
Gabe: Yeah...
Doug: ...
Gabe: ...
Doug and Gabe laughed until they pissed their pants. The end.
C
Cybernoid
Guest
Gabe: This is "The Source." It's our loading program. We can load textures and things.
HL2.net User: Right now, we're inside Source?
Gabe: Is it really so hard to believe? Your model is different. Your framerates are also gone. Your situation is what we call "below mininum system requirements."
HL2.net User: This... isn't the final version?
Gabe: What is a final version? How do you define a final version? If you are talking about going gold, then a "final version" is just some shit we burned on a CD with Nero. You've been living in a dream world, noob.
HL2.net User: No! I don't believe it! It's not possible!
Gabe: Well, tough shit.
HL2.net User: Stop! Let me out! /quit! Argh! Console!
Gabe: Impossible. Inevitable. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.
HL2.net User: Huh?
Gabe: Sorry, the mushrooms are starting to kick in.
HL2.net User: Right now, we're inside Source?
Gabe: Is it really so hard to believe? Your model is different. Your framerates are also gone. Your situation is what we call "below mininum system requirements."
HL2.net User: This... isn't the final version?
Gabe: What is a final version? How do you define a final version? If you are talking about going gold, then a "final version" is just some shit we burned on a CD with Nero. You've been living in a dream world, noob.
HL2.net User: No! I don't believe it! It's not possible!
Gabe: Well, tough shit.
HL2.net User: Stop! Let me out! /quit! Argh! Console!
Gabe: Impossible. Inevitable. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.
HL2.net User: Huh?
Gabe: Sorry, the mushrooms are starting to kick in.
C
Cybernoid
Guest
Chris_D said:
Please, write a full fan fiction
Only if the FBI can guarantee protection from Valve's death squads after I'm done.
Element Alpha
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Nobody liked my story? ;(
NeonSpyder
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i did Mr.Element
C
Cybernoid
Guest
Element Alpha said:
I liked it, but I didn't say anything because I don't want people to think that I'm a caring or friendly person. You bitch.
Element Alpha
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NeonSpyder said:i did Mr.Element
Thank you guys :upstare: I'm all warm and fuzzy inside now (I think I had too much gatoradeCybernoid said:
)I think this just gave me an idea, but I'm not sure about the thinking. If I come home tonight and resist the idea to just play games or do other random lazy things, I may even execute it. I just need to locate more gatorade.
Homercidal
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InZaneFlea said:
I will!
Doug: We don't have a Gold Copy yet sir, but we do have a Release Candidate. Would you like me to punch it up for you?
Gabe: Nah, I'll do it myself.
Doug: Very good, sir.
Gabe: What the hell is this? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a video game?
Doug: No, sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some?
Gabe: Of COURSE! I always have Coffee before I watch the Release Candidate. You know that!
Doug: Of course I do sir!
Gabe: Everbody knows that!
Valve staff, in unison: Of course we do SIR!
Doug: Here you are sir.
Gabe: Good. Now that I have my Coffee, I'm ready for the Release Candidate.... Where is it?
Doug: Here it is, sir. (Points to a machine labelled "Release Candidate.) This is the Release Candidate, approaching Gold Copy.
Gabe: Well, I hope it's a short release candidate, cause it's gonna be a Long Gold Copy! (sips coffee, burns tongue.)
Homercidal
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Or...
GABE NEWELL
(mask down) Have you found the Gold Copy?
DOUG LOMBARDI
No, Lord Newell, It’s still not on the scanners.
GABE NEWELL
Well, keep looking for it. (drinks coffee through his mask)
DOUG LOMBARDI
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me a copy of Half-Life 2: The Video Game!
CORPORAL
Yes, sir.
CORPORAL
Walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Warez." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.
GABE NEWELL
Doug, may I speak with you, please?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Yes, sir.
GABE NEWELL
(lifts up mask) How could there be a copy of Half-Life 2? We're still in the middle of making it.
DOUG LOMBARDI
That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in Video Game marketing.
GABE NEWELL
There has?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Yes. Warez Games. They're out on the Internet before the game is finished.
GABE NEWELL
Naaaaa.
CORPORAL
Here it is, sir. Half-Life.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL
Starts the game. It starts on the FBI Warning.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Preparing to fast-forward.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Fast-forwarding, sir.
Starts fast-forwarding through Ravenloft scene. Gabe sees press clippings of the leaked source.
GABE NEWELL
Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Try here. Stop.
The game stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. GABE looks at DOUG, then he turns back to the monitor. DOUG looks at the game when GABE looks at him, then he looks back at the Gabe. GABE looks at the Doug when DOUG looks back at the game. When GABE turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the game.
GABE NEWELL
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the game?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
GABE NEWELL
What happened to the release date?
DOUG LOMBARDI
We passed it.
GABE NEWELL
When?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Just now. We're at now, now.
GABE NEWELL
Go back to the release date.
DOUG LOMBARDI
When?
GABE NEWELL
Now.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Now?
GABE NEWELL
Now.
DOUG LOMBARDI
I can't.
GABE NEWELL
Why?
DOUG LOMBARDI
We missed it.
GABE NEWELL
When?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Just now.
GABE NEWELL
When will game go Gold?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Soon.
GABE NEWELL
How soon?
CORPORAL
Sir.
GABE NEWELL
What?
CORPORAL
We've identified the bugs.
GABE NEWELL
Where?
CORPORAL
It's Source.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Good work. Set a timetable and prepare for a press release.
GABE NEWELL
When?
CORPORAL
September, sir.
DOUG LOMBARDI
By the end of September, they will be our prisoners.
GABE NEWELL
Whoooooo? (mask falls down)
GABE NEWELL
(mask down) Have you found the Gold Copy?
DOUG LOMBARDI
No, Lord Newell, It’s still not on the scanners.
GABE NEWELL
Well, keep looking for it. (drinks coffee through his mask)
DOUG LOMBARDI
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me a copy of Half-Life 2: The Video Game!
CORPORAL
Yes, sir.
CORPORAL
Walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Warez." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.
GABE NEWELL
Doug, may I speak with you, please?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Yes, sir.
GABE NEWELL
(lifts up mask) How could there be a copy of Half-Life 2? We're still in the middle of making it.
DOUG LOMBARDI
That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in Video Game marketing.
GABE NEWELL
There has?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Yes. Warez Games. They're out on the Internet before the game is finished.
GABE NEWELL
Naaaaa.
CORPORAL
Here it is, sir. Half-Life.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL
Starts the game. It starts on the FBI Warning.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Preparing to fast-forward.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Fast-forwarding, sir.
Starts fast-forwarding through Ravenloft scene. Gabe sees press clippings of the leaked source.
GABE NEWELL
Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Try here. Stop.
The game stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. GABE looks at DOUG, then he turns back to the monitor. DOUG looks at the game when GABE looks at him, then he looks back at the Gabe. GABE looks at the Doug when DOUG looks back at the game. When GABE turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the game.
GABE NEWELL
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the game?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
GABE NEWELL
What happened to the release date?
DOUG LOMBARDI
We passed it.
GABE NEWELL
When?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Just now. We're at now, now.
GABE NEWELL
Go back to the release date.
DOUG LOMBARDI
When?
GABE NEWELL
Now.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Now?
GABE NEWELL
Now.
DOUG LOMBARDI
I can't.
GABE NEWELL
Why?
DOUG LOMBARDI
We missed it.
GABE NEWELL
When?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Just now.
GABE NEWELL
When will game go Gold?
DOUG LOMBARDI
Soon.
GABE NEWELL
How soon?
CORPORAL
Sir.
GABE NEWELL
What?
CORPORAL
We've identified the bugs.
GABE NEWELL
Where?
CORPORAL
It's Source.
DOUG LOMBARDI
Good work. Set a timetable and prepare for a press release.
GABE NEWELL
When?
CORPORAL
September, sir.
DOUG LOMBARDI
By the end of September, they will be our prisoners.
GABE NEWELL
Whoooooo? (mask falls down)
H
Hackerman
Guest
Gabe: You think they know?
Doug: Know what sir?
Gabe: That its done!
Doug: Whats done?
Gabe: Half Life 2 you dipshit!
Doug: Why dont you or the staff ever tell me these things?
Gabe: Thats the reason why! You never ask or pay attention! Go work for Ubisoft or something!
(Lights flashing outside, sounds of helicopters surround Vavle HQ)
Cop: Come out with your hands up and the finished product of HL2 and I promise no one or any food will get hurt.
Gabe: Awww shit!
(Doug and Gabe both walk outside with the finished HL2 product)
Gabe: Allright Allright. Here it is, just hurt my ding dongs and Ho-ho's. But if you want you can shoot this ding dong next to me. Its not like it really cares.
Doug: First of all, I'm an "it" now? and since when did I not care about getting shot by 30 something police people!
Gabe: Just now...
Doug: I hate you...
Doug: Know what sir?
Gabe: That its done!
Doug: Whats done?
Gabe: Half Life 2 you dipshit!
Doug: Why dont you or the staff ever tell me these things?
Gabe: Thats the reason why! You never ask or pay attention! Go work for Ubisoft or something!
(Lights flashing outside, sounds of helicopters surround Vavle HQ)
Cop: Come out with your hands up and the finished product of HL2 and I promise no one or any food will get hurt.
Gabe: Awww shit!
(Doug and Gabe both walk outside with the finished HL2 product)
Gabe: Allright Allright. Here it is, just hurt my ding dongs and Ho-ho's. But if you want you can shoot this ding dong next to me. Its not like it really cares.
Doug: First of all, I'm an "it" now? and since when did I not care about getting shot by 30 something police people!
Gabe: Just now...
Doug: I hate you...
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