Is your life eventful?

[Mr.Reak]

Sometimes I walk down the street, it’s a nice day, I am daydreaming again. I am at the point when if I am not with a person I care deeply about, I zoom out of the reality. She became my only medicine, I got bored of everything else. I go to college just because I started to go to college two years ago. I didn’t accomplish much, I am not good of an artist.

I walk down the street, I have tons of ideas I want to put on the canvas or my sketchbook, or just do my 3d project. I start it, it doesn’t work out, I get bored and give out my “I suck, who gives a shit” attitude, I move on. I do the same thing with everything, I don’t remember when was last time I accomplished something. Past 2 years feel dreamy, I can’t focus anymore. I got glasses recently, I though maybe the reason I can’t focus because everything is a blur, nah didn’t help, I still daydream.

I walk down the street, woman, a ugly-punk bitch, comes up to my face, asking something. I am wearing my headphones, I try to strife to the left, she is blocking my way again and again, until I say “I don’t know”. She goes to another person, I say, very quietly, almost to myself “**** off bitch”. I am pathetic, I can’t say anything drastic like that to a person’s face. I am still walking, but now the only thing I can think about is her, she annoys me, so I picture how I push her and beat her up in different ways. For some reason it makes me much calmer, I always do it with people who annoy me, in my mind at least. I have a problem, I know it, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. My mind became my world, where I see myself as someone else.

I walk down the street, disappointed in myself, in my life, in everything. I can’t wait until I come home and I can talk to my girl for at least a minute, she pulls me back. I need to see her at least 4 times per week, she makes me happy.

My life is a mess of putting of work and making up pathetic excusses, which don’t make any sense to a logical person. I wake up tired, I go to sleep tired, I yawn all day long. I don’t remember when was last time waking in the morning felt refreshing.

This is my life, it’s not important, I didn’t accomplish anything honorable, I don’t think I ever will.

What about you?

 

[Icarus]

You might be one of the most honest people I have ever met Mr. Reak...

Thats a compliment

 

[aeroripper]

This is my life, it’s not important, I didn’t accomplish anything honorable, I don’t think I ever will.

A casualty of our achievement based society ladies and gentlemen.... how can you say you didn't accomplish anything honorable? Maybe the same things you call "honorable" somebody else would call "cowardly" ... its not black and white

 

[The Dark Elf]

Sometimes I walk down the street, it’s a nice day, I am daydreaming again. I am at the point when if I am not with a person I care deeply about, I zoom out of the reality. She became my only medicine, I got bored of everything else. I go to college just because I started to go to college two years ago. I didn’t accomplish much, I am not good of an artist.

I walk down the street, I have tons of ideas I want to put on the canvas or my sketchbook, or just do my 3d project. I start it, it doesn’t work out, I get bored and give out my “I suck, who gives a shit” attitude, I move on. I do the same thing with everything, I don’t remember when was last time I accomplished something. Past 2 years feel dreamy, I can’t focus anymore. I got glasses recently, I though maybe the reason I can’t focus because everything is a blur, nah didn’t help, I still daydream.

I walk down the street, woman, a ugly-punk bitch, comes up to my face, asking something. I am wearing my headphones, I try to strife to the left, she is blocking my way again and again, until I say “I don’t know”. She goes to another person, I say, very quietly, almost to myself “**** off bitch”. I am pathetic, I can’t say anything drastic like that to a person’s face. I am still walking, but now the only thing I can think about is her, she annoys me, so I picture how I push her and beat her up in different ways. For some reason it makes me much calmer, I always do it with people who annoy me, in my mind at least. I have a problem, I know it, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. My mind became my world, where I see myself as someone else.

I walk down the street, disappointed in myself, in my life, in everything. I can’t wait until I come home and I can talk to my girl for at least a minute, she pulls me back. I need to see her at least 4 times per week, she makes me happy.

My life is a mess of putting of work and making up pathetic excusses, which don’t make any sense to a logical person. I wake up tired, I go to sleep tired, I yawn all day long. I don’t remember when was last time waking in the morning felt refreshing.

This is my life, it’s not important, I didn’t accomplish anything honorable, I don’t think I ever will.

What about you?

The problem is your too hooked on your girlfriend.. You just need to get used to doing things without her being around or you'll never get out of this state.

Look at it this way, well from her point of view, you've got nothing going for you now, and a bit of a waster, she's gonna get bored and move on while you end up stuck, best to try change now and not be as clingy with her.

Sorry to be harsh

 

[Mr.Reak]

A casualty of our achievement based society ladies and gentlemen....


Most people arn't happy, and if you live in the US, time are going to get much, much worse

Yes yes, I do live in USA, I became like that when I moved here. Than again, when I lived in Russia, I was a kid, kids always have fun, don’t they? I had lot’s of fun, now I am trying to do what most people do. I am part of the society, nothing I can do about. If I am not part of the society, I am an outcast that nobody likes, I hate to be like that. I like when people like me, it makes me happy, I am selfish like that. I guess I am still in “American Dream” mode, which I despise, but it’s the way I live for now, I hope to change it somehow, but without medicine, I don’t want swallow pills for the rest of my life.

Icarus, thank you, I guess. It’s funny, I don’t remember the last time I posted something serious, past summer all I did was laugh at people, make hilariously bad threads and troll. I got bored of that too.

 

[Icarus]

The problem is your too hooked on your girlfriend.. You just need to get used to doing things without her being around or you'll never get out of this state.

Look at it this way, well from her point of view, you've got nothing going for you now, and a bit of a waster, she's gonna get bored and move on while you end up stuck, best to try change now and not be as clingy with her.

Sorry to be harsh

I personally view his posts as a little deeper then face value, it's more about the stagnation...I could be wrong though

 

[Mr.Reak]

The problem is your too hooked on your girlfriend.. You just need to get used to doing things without her being around or you'll never get out of this state.

Look at it this way, well from her point of view, you've got nothing going for you now, and a bit of a waster, she's gonna get bored and move on while you end up stuck, best to try change now and not be as clingy with her.

Sorry to be harsh

No no no, I was like before her too, it all started two years ago, I am going out with my girl for 3 months. It’s just before her games were my escape, now it became boring. I sure hope I won’t become bored of her, but I know I will, I am Gemini

 

[The Dark Elf]

I personally view his posts as a little deeper then face value, it's more about the stagnation...I could be wrong though

If I view it any deeper I just see Teen Angst.. so I try not to.

 

[Icarus]

Icarus, thank you, I guess. It’s funny, I don’t remember the last time I posted something serious, past summer all I did was laugh at people, make hilariously bad threads and troll. I got bored of that too.

You are definitely one of my favorite forum members...you don't fit any stereotypes...You are someone completely unique and original that has never ceased to make me think after reading your posts...thats the highest compliment I can give.

Keep it up

 

[Mr.Reak]

If I view it any deeper I just see Teen Angst.. so I try not to.

Well I am not angry at the world nor do I sit home and cry myself to slip. I always make fun of teenagers who are angry at the world. Like Icarus said, I more of stark person, I drift somewhere, in-between my daydreaming and occasional waking up to the real world. If you know me in real life though, you won’t believe it, you will think I am just another guy, who functions normally in society and maybe bit on a lazy side. I never share what’s going on in my mind with people, because frankly people usually to busy with their own minds.

Also Icarus, thank you for compliments

 

[aeroripper]

The American Dream is a facade... it always ways. The idea of having this nice house, our freedom (well, what is left of it), and 2.5 kids and dog won't make you happy. Why do you think homemakers in the 50s were taking so much valium?

Humans arn't designed to be "happy" all the time and always want to seek more. For instance in america, materialism is the ultimate truth, the nirvana of our societal existance. Or so that view is commonly held among aspring college students nationwide. The endless pursuit of self will only lead to more unhappiness the farther you go. If you could have all the riches in the world but at the loss of your soul, which would you choose?

 

[MadHatter]

Sometimes I walk down the street, it’s a nice day, I am daydreaming again. I am at the point when if I am not with a person I care deeply about, I zoom out of the reality. She became my only medicine, I got bored of everything else. I go to college just because I started to go to college two years ago. I didn’t accomplish much, I am not good of an artist.

I walk down the street, I have tons of ideas I want to put on the canvas or my sketchbook, or just do my 3d project. I start it, it doesn’t work out, I get bored and give out my “I suck, who gives a shit” attitude, I move on. I do the same thing with everything, I don’t remember when was last time I accomplished something. Past 2 years feel dreamy, I can’t focus anymore. I got glasses recently, I though maybe the reason I can’t focus because everything is a blur, nah didn’t help, I still daydream.

I walk down the street, woman, a ugly-punk bitch, comes up to my face, asking something. I am wearing my headphones, I try to strife to the left, she is blocking my way again and again, until I say “I don’t know”. She goes to another person, I say, very quietly, almost to myself “**** off bitch”. I am pathetic, I can’t say anything drastic like that to a person’s face. I am still walking, but now the only thing I can think about is her, she annoys me, so I picture how I push her and beat her up in different ways. For some reason it makes me much calmer, I always do it with people who annoy me, in my mind at least. I have a problem, I know it, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. My mind became my world, where I see myself as someone else.

I walk down the street, disappointed in myself, in my life, in everything. I can’t wait until I come home and I can talk to my girl for at least a minute, she pulls me back. I need to see her at least 4 times per week, she makes me happy.

My life is a mess of putting of work and making up pathetic excusses, which don’t make any sense to a logical person. I wake up tired, I go to sleep tired, I yawn all day long. I don’t remember when was last time waking in the morning felt refreshing.

This is my life, it’s not important, I didn’t accomplish anything honorable, I don’t think I ever will.

What about you?

That is frighteningly weird. I do the same thing; I go for long walks (sometimes 10 - 15 miles long) with my headphones and just day dream about my life, schtuff, my future, schtuff, some people, schtuff and some schtuff.

 

[MadHatter]

The American Dream is a facade... it always ways. The idea of having this nice house, our freedom (well, what is left of it), and 2.5 kids and dog won't make you happy. Why do you think homemakers in the 50s were taking so much valium?

The American dream isn't a dream, per se. The 'American Dream' is more like a goal or a sense of ambition.

 

[aeroripper]

The American dream isn't a dream, per se. The 'American Dream' is more like a goal or a sense of ambition.

Well you can "dream" of achieving something can't you?

 

[MadHatter]

Well you can "dream" of achieving something can't you?

You can dream of accomplishing a goal, yes.

 

[Mr.Reak]

The American Dream is a facade... it always ways. The idea of having this nice house, our freedom (well, what is left of it), and 2.5 kids and dog won't make you happy. Why do you think homemakers in the 50s were taking so much valium?

Humans arn't designed to be "happy" all the time and always want to seek more. For instance in america, materialism is the ultimate truth, the nirvana of our societal existance. Or so that view is commonly held among aspring college students nationwide. The endless pursuit of self will only lead to more unhappiness the farther you go. If you could have all the riches in the world but at the loss of your soul, which would you choose?

Oh I know all those stuff, I thought about it long time ago, I got bored of thinking of it, I am not a philosopher, I am 3d-animation artist. Hey, I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about random materialism. I buy stuff, sometimes they make me happy, sometimes I buy stuff I really need and use it everyday. Hey I can talk here and write essays about how America is materialized, but who cares, because in the end of the day I will go out and buy HL2 and that new short from Mays’s. The only way I wouldn’t be caring about stuff if I couldn’t afford them.

As for your question, it’s all in the moment, depends on how I feel. Right now, I don’t care about either of those choices.

 

[aeroripper]

Well what else is making you sad? Something underlying your not saying?

 

[Mr.Reak]

Well what else is making you sad? Something underlying your not saying?

Probably not doing anything with my life and being tired all the time. Sometimes I get very angry at myself (I don’t blame other people for that) that I don’t do work I can do. Plus it seems most of my goals are born in my head and die there, which is a sad concept itself. I guess I need some strong motivation, but even if I have one, it goes away so fast, maybe in a week or a month. As I said, same thing for the past two years heh, nobody else feels like that?

 

[aeroripper]

Maybe your just lazy :-D i'm defintely guilty of that

 

[Icarus]

Probably not doing anything with my life and being tired all the time. Sometimes I get very angry at myself (I don’t blame other people for that) that I don’t do work I can do. Plus it seems most of my goals are born in my head and die there, which is a sad concept itself. I guess I need some strong motivation, but even if I have one, it goes away so fast, maybe in a week or a month. As I said, same thing for the past two years heh, nobody else feels like that?

I've had that before...It went away after I started getting healthy and working out...

 

[Tr0n]

The problem is your too hooked on your girlfriend.. You just need to get used to doing things without her being around or you'll never get out of this state.

Look at it this way, well from her point of view, you've got nothing going for you now, and a bit of a waster, she's gonna get bored and move on while you end up stuck, best to try change now and not be as clingy with her.

Sorry to be harsh

Well...he is in love...He gets something most of us have never felt before.I say stay hooked on her and don't ever lose her...cause she might be the one.

 

[Icarus]

Time you enjoy wasting is never wasted

 

[oldagerocker]

Probably not doing anything with my life and being tired all the time. Sometimes I get very angry at myself (I don’t blame other people for that) that I don’t do work I can do. Plus it seems most of my goals are born in my head and die there, which is a sad concept itself. I guess I need some strong motivation, but even if I have one, it goes away so fast, maybe in a week or a month. As I said, same thing for the past two years heh, nobody else feels like that?

I feel like that. and life plods on around me, yet nothing major happens, ive been like that for months. I just carry on, nothing good happens, i dont make anything good happen. im too scared of change... i want to go home.

 

[Spartan]

What about you?

Extremely uneventful and meaningless at the moment. I may try to join UN forces in the future, but that's only an idea at the moment. I'd be interested in that, because it doesn't seem as uneventful as normal life.

 

[Toffee]

Youre too pessimist..

I have nothing going on in my life right now. Im unemployed, I live with my parents helping at the farm, dont have a boyfriend, dont have a lot money, dont see my friends that often, and am dreamer, but Im still a constant optimist.
Something good is going to come when you least expect. as the chinese proverb goes; If you dont believe in your abilitys how can anyone else believe in them either?...

 

[Spartan]

Youre too pessimist..

I have nothing going on in my life right now. Im unemployed, I live with my parents helping at the farm, dont have a boyfriend, dont have a lot money, dont see my friends that often, and am dreamer, but Im still a constant optimist.
Something good is going to come when you least expect. as the chinese proverb goes; If you dont believe in your abilitys how can anyone else believe in them either?...

What part of Finland do you live in?

 

[Toffee]

What part of Finland do you live in?

Lapland, why ?

 

[Spartan]

Lapland, why ?

No reason.

 

[Icarus]

Lapland, why ?

cause you're a girl...bad combo on these forums

 

[Spartan]

cause you're a girl...bad combo on these forums

Hmm....

 

[Ecthe|ioN]

Sometimes I walk down the street, it’s a nice day, I am daydreaming again. I am at the point when if I am not with a person I care deeply about, I zoom out of the reality. She became my only medicine, I got bored of everything else. I go to college just because I started to go to college two years ago. I didn’t accomplish much, I am not good of an artist.

I walk down the street, I have tons of ideas I want to put on the canvas or my sketchbook, or just do my 3d project. I start it, it doesn’t work out, I get bored and give out my “I suck, who gives a shit” attitude, I move on. I do the same thing with everything, I don’t remember when was last time I accomplished something. Past 2 years feel dreamy, I can’t focus anymore. I got glasses recently, I though maybe the reason I can’t focus because everything is a blur, nah didn’t help, I still daydream.

I walk down the street, woman, a ugly-punk bitch, comes up to my face, asking something. I am wearing my headphones, I try to strife to the left, she is blocking my way again and again, until I say “I don’t know”. She goes to another person, I say, very quietly, almost to myself “**** off bitch”. I am pathetic, I can’t say anything drastic like that to a person’s face. I am still walking, but now the only thing I can think about is her, she annoys me, so I picture how I push her and beat her up in different ways. For some reason it makes me much calmer, I always do it with people who annoy me, in my mind at least. I have a problem, I know it, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. My mind became my world, where I see myself as someone else.

I walk down the street, disappointed in myself, in my life, in everything. I can’t wait until I come home and I can talk to my girl for at least a minute, she pulls me back. I need to see her at least 4 times per week, she makes me happy.

My life is a mess of putting of work and making up pathetic excusses, which don’t make any sense to a logical person. I wake up tired, I go to sleep tired, I yawn all day long. I don’t remember when was last time waking in the morning felt refreshing.

This is my life, it’s not important, I didn’t accomplish anything honorable, I don’t think I ever will.

What about you?

I am a Gemini too btw.

I usually feel the same way. I kind of hate my life, except my fiancé. She's actually the only thing that matters much. The problem is that I've gotten so used to feeling down, that I'm usually scared of feeling otherwise. It's depressing. After I joined this community I have started feeling a bit better actually. Talking to people helps a great deal.

I'm just hoping that I'll find a job and start a life with the girl I love, instead of being stuck at a college with no interest in learning anything.

 

[Raz]

Is your life eventful?

Why, yes. Just yesterday I saved an entire planet from a terrible evil.

Wait, no, that was a game.

 

[NeonSpyder]

Probably not doing anything with my life and being tired all the time. Sometimes I get very angry at myself (I don’t blame other people for that) that I don’t do work I can do. Plus it seems most of my goals are born in my head and die there, which is a sad concept itself. I guess I need some strong motivation, but even if I have one, it goes away so fast, maybe in a week or a month. As I said, same thing for the past two years heh, nobody else feels like that?

*sigh* often i feel the same way Mr.Reak, i feel like there are so many things i could be accomplishing if i just put any sort of effort in but i'd rather float lazily along the passing days, doing nothing that requires any challange.

the only thing that ever makes me want to do anything is music, for some reason song is the only thing that can really connect to me.

life is funny isn't it?

 

[Bad^Hat]

Life sucks. I've been depressed so much over the past 3-4 years, even feeling an emotion nowadays is a minor victory. My anxiety is so bad now I feel uncomfortable and antsy just walking around the corner to the store, so I never really leave the house for anything. I can't see my friends unless they visit, and even then I feel uncomfortable and even fear seeing them. Besides that I only really have one good friend who's around at the moment...

I was feeling on top of things just over a month ago, it took me so long to get to that point, and one little incident (if you could even call it that) sent me back to square one. I could start over, but what's the point?

Sometimes I think this is what I wanted... I'm miserable... but I don't have to do anything. I've got it made so long as I block out any thoughts of the future.

 

[Gray Fox]

Mr.Reak
Me= you, only without a girl.
I don't even play games, only a little bit cs, and I have a lot of good pc games lying around, I just spend a lot of time on the net.
But I think it will finally change for me when I a little older, wiser, when you'r in your teens the feeling of uselessnes is multiplyed by the fact that you do know a lot and want to make changes in the worls but your still powerless and dependent on your old folks, when you get a sparate income and responobilty it might actually make it better, thats at leat what I think, but altleast we all have got these forums.

 

[Fat Tony!]

Ok first thing first Mr reak is this one of your crazy stories?

edit- Oh yeah well My life is exceedingly uneventful
my daily routine is go to school, come back do homework, play games go to sleep. Everyday until I just happen to go out in an odd occasion. There is simply nothing to do

 

[IX00]

Advice to all who feel this way. I've been there. The solution is to find some children in a school or charity. Help them out. Show them what you do, what you like to do. Start here, when you see the look on thier faces it will revive you. You'll start to see other things that are worth experiencing. Kids are great, they'll make you feel better and you'll see how it will prepare you for life with a significant other.

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"

Corny but true.

 

[Gray Fox]

Advice to all who feel this way. I've been there. The solution is to find some children in a school or charity. Help them out. Show them what you do, what you like to do. Start here, when you see the look on thier faces it will revive you. You'll start to see other things that are worth experiencing. Kids are great, they'll make you feel better and you'll see how it will prepare you for life with a significant other.

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"

Corny but true.

Thnx, :| :| :| :| :| :| :|

 

[Gray Fox]

Sorry I had some problesm, and posted the above message 2 times.

 

[Mr.Reak]

Life sucks. I've been depressed so much over the past 3-4 years, even feeling an emotion nowadays is a minor victory. My anxiety is so bad now I feel uncomfortable and antsy just walking around the corner to the store, so I never really leave the house for anything. I can't see my friends unless they visit, and even then I feel uncomfortable and even fear seeing them. Besides that I only really have one good friend who's around at the moment...

I was feeling on top of things just over a month ago, it took me so long to get to that point, and one little incident (if you could even call it that) sent me back to square one. I could start over, but what's the point?

Sometimes I think this is what I wanted... I'm miserable... but I don't have to do anything. I've got it made so long as I block out any thoughts of the future.

I think you have Clinical Depression. I found this little essay by Flying-Squid from SA.com forums. Interesting read, does it describe the way you feel most of the time?

First of all, I didn't post this thread for sympathy because, if you read the essay below, you'll see that sympathy really doesn't do shit for me... especially not from people I only know through text and the cute little icons they have under their names- no offense meant. It's more of an informational thing.

I have clinical depression. I've had it for as long as I can remember (I'm 27 now and I remember feeling like this as a very small child). For about five years, I was taking 200 mg of Zoloft per day (the typical dose is 50 mg) and recently have been unable to afford it thanks to not having health insurance (this will hopefully change soon) so I had to stop taking medication for my condition. There is currently no cure for the condition, which is at least partially a physical neurological condition- an imbalance in my brain chemistry. Antidepressants are about as good as it gets and they are by no means the 'happy pills' they are advertised as.

In an attempt at a small amount of catharsis while not being able to take medication, I wrote the following short essay on what it feels like to have clinical depression. It's not funny, at least it isn't intending to be... so sorry it's not the typical 'omg my gf i had for three days left me because i slept with her best friend im gonna kill myself' e/n thread. I don't even plan on killing myself much to the chagrin of many in FYAD. But hey, maybe those folks will still be entertained by it and either way it will win.

Anyway, back to the essay- several people who read it who also have depression said they thought it was a pretty good description of what it feels like. Several others said they appreciated the education. I thought I'd share it with people here too.

* * * * * * *

What Clinical Depression Feels Like

One quick warning: Some of this might be kind of disturbing to read. I'm basically telling you what is going on in my mind which is not a very pleasant place to be, even if you're just visiting.

Oh, one other thing before I start, and I need to make this very clear... Rationally, I know that most of what I feel isn't true. This isn't about rationality. This is what my emotional self feels... and as I'm sure most of you know, how you feel emotionally can sometimes fly in the face of logic. But I do know most of this is in my head and not the way the world really is.

I have been this way as long as I can remember and the only time it was any lessened was when I was on Zoloft which, as I said, I'm not on right now. I still felt like this on Zoloft, but it wasn't as intense a feeling... I was able to function better.

First of all, the pain. Yes, depression is very painful... but you know, if it was just pain, that would be okay. I can handle pain. As an illustration, when I was 19 or 20, I had one of two wisdom tooth extractions. Although the other was done with a general anesthetic, this one was done with a local. Somehow the novocaine didn't work, [skip the rest of this paragraph if you're squeamish] so I was able to very clearly feel not only the tooth being extracted but they had to actually crush the tooth to get it out. I felt every single bit of the excruciating pain but I was too sedated with the nitrous oxide to even flinch... it was the most painful experience I have ever had to go through, far more painful than depression, and all through it I was able to deal with it. It's not the pain. What is it?

It's the exhaustion. Everything is just exhausting... and I truly mean everything. Every inhale, every exhale, every blink, every finger movement is, well, hard. No, more than hard... almost impossible. It really feels like just living... just existing... takes every fibre of my will... that it would be so much easier just to go to sleep and not wake up. Again, as I said in an earlier post, I'm not planning to kill myself. I don't think I'm suicidal thanks to the rational side of me being powerful enough to stop it... but emotionally death feels like it would be such a wonderful relief... again, not from the pain, I can deal with the pain... but- have you ever, maybe in college studying or on a cross-country drive, gone for a really long time without sleeping and you know you have to stay awake no matter what despite the fact that your entire body is telling you to sleep? It feels like that from the moment I get up in the morning to the moment I go to bed at night... and to make things even more difficult, I can't let most people even know that I feel this way. I have to use even more energy to hide the fact that it is so incredibly hard to do anything at all.

When I'm at home, I don't do anything other than either sit in front of the computer or sit in front of the TV. Going to the store is a monumental task. Just because I knew I had to be physical, I forced myself to walk to a restaurant yesterday to have lunch and it felt like I was going through one of the trials of Hercules. I know how stupid that sounds, but that's really how it feels. If there were some way I could spend the rest of my life just lying flat on my back, not moving, not talking, not doing anything, I would do it... except: my mind doesn't stop functioning. In fact, it is going into overdrive.

A lot of people with depression are creative types. I know I'm creative. I've been told it my whole life. I have a lot of creative outlets... and my mind is bursting with ideas... I really, really want to express the ideas... except it's too hard. It's too damn hard to get them out... I just can't do it... and it becomes a never-ending spiral downward... the more ideas I get, the harder it is to work on any of them and because I haven't released any of them, they just keep piling up. Even ideas that I have all planned out... things I know exactly how to do, and do easily, are just too damn hard to do... reference back to the really tired thing. My body is basically telling me, "you are too exhausted to do these things, so don't bother..." And it's not a matter of just biting the bullet and forcing myself to do it. I wish it was. I simply can't force myself.

Now, on to my relationships with other people. I feel, literally, like everyone... and I mean everyone... either hates me or will if they spend much time getting to know me. And when I say everyone, well- on the way home from work there was a homeless woman standing on a corner with a sign asking for money. There are literally hundreds of such people in this city. Now first of all, I don't have any money to give and even if I did, I'd quickly go broke giving it to all of them, so I didn't give her anything... This woman didn't make eye contact with me. She probably didn't think much of me since she sees thousands of cars every day, but all I could feel as I drove past was that she hated me... really deeply and significantly hated me... hated me like I murdered her father and raped her mother. And I feel like most people hate me that much... and those who don't yet will. It also feels like I'm always about to do something very wrong and someone will be really angry at me... always. Even if I'm not doing anything. In fact, when I'm not doing anything it feels like someone will yell at me for not doing anything. If I'm doing something, it feels like someone will yell at me for not doing it right.

My family (my wife and parents, the people I'm closest to in the world), of course, are the exception when it comes to feeling like people hat me. I know they won't hate me... but they're worse in some ways. Why? Because they love me so they either try to comfort me or cheer me up... and it makes me angry. Really angry... Angry at them because they will never be able to help me but they keep trying anyway, coming back again and again like a dog whose owner beats him up but can't ignore the loyalty... and angrier at myself because I feel that way about them and because I can't appreciate all that they do to help me. A lot of times I feel like it would be better if they just hated me too... at least then I wouldn't have to feel so angry at them... is it wrong to be so angry at people you love so much, especially when it's not their fault? It feels wrong. And you know, I would just abandon all of them because of it... except I know how much that would hurt them and I can't bear to hurt them because I love them. It's probably the worst part of my depression. So I shut them out... which also makes me feel awful because it hurts them and it hurts me to shut them out... but at the same time, I can't bring them in. They can't feel what I feel. They can sympathize, but they can't know... no one can know... just how bad it is.

And then, of course, I feel really stupid and whiney because it shouldn't be this bad. I have a wonderful wife, I great apartment, a good job- and I'm doing exactly what I love to do, great friends, a comfortable life... so why is it always so awful? I should be happy, but instead I'm miserable. Always miserable. I would literally do anything other than end my life to make it stop... but there's nothing I can do. The best I can hope for is a pill that will make it not as bad... but it will always feel like this for my entire life and it makes me hate the universe because I'm like this and, worse, because I'm an atheist, it makes me hate it that there's no god I can go to and blame for making me this way... and at the same time, I can see all the wonderful things in life, and enjoy them even while feeling so horrible. I can laugh uproariously at a joke, and truly find it funny, while at the same time wishing I was never born.

And that is what my depression feels like. Again, I know most of that isn't true... but that's how I feel anyway.