Jesus of Nazareth Arrested, faces death penalty

CptStern

CptStern

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CNN: Dateline April 5, 2007

Jesus of Nazareth, self proclaimed king of the jews Arrested in Gethsemane, Jerusalem

Before the last matza bread was broken thursday evening, residents of the sleepy little suburb of Gethsemane, Jerusalem were disturbed from their passover dinners by the sound of a small army of police in their parking lot adjacent to the Olive grove visited by Jesus and his followers.

"They had tank trucks, snipers, police in the trees," said Moshe A. Zippor, a 19-year-old sheep herder who lives next door to the olive grove.

Jerusalem police surrounded the garden around 6 p.m. to arrest Jesus of Nazareth, self-proclaimed messiah, described by police as a "main player" in the neighborhood's recent religious upheaval and unrest.

Jesus, 34, known as "the messiah" on the streets, refused for two hours to come out of the Gethsemane olive grove before surrendering to police. Four other suspects also were arrested but later released. One police officer had his ear severed in an altercation with a follower of Jesus but miraculously had it reattached ..medics on scene remain preplexed by it's reattachment but a few spoke to CNN on the condition of anonimity saying that it could only have been devine intervention that led to the reattachment of the police officers ear

Jerusalem police had an ongoing undercover investigation into the group led by Jesus of Nazareth. Thursday's bust was part of Pontius Pilate's and the Police Department's religious anti-terrorism task force effort in east Jerusalem, an area inundated with followers of Jesus.

Gethsemane, also known as the Mount of Olives, Jerusalem appears to be a quiet neighborhood, located next to a recently built community center and close to a synagogue. Children played football in tattered clothes at an adjacent public park thursday while residents sat outside at sunset. They talked on the telephone, braided hair, combed their beards or simply relaxed.

A maintenance worker spent the evening painting the garden wall, but some residents think it will take more than a fresh coat of paint and Thursday's arrests to change the garden's image.

"This place is a hell hole," said Hadassah Feinstein, 29. "People can't sleep out here because they fear for their lives. Some of the security that comes out here looks scared. Jesus and his followers often attract bad elements to this neighbourhood and local police are afraid of retribution from Jesus and his followers"

Feinstein said she's lived at Gethsemane for about six months with her 2-year-old daughter.

"You hear gunshots and you don't know where they're coming from, but" she said. "I've lost weight since I've moved here because I'm stressed out. I mean what if he is the son of god? he wont be too happy we ratted him out"

On Thursday, about 6:20 p.m., Jesus came out of the olive grove, police said, and ducked into the adjacent building when officers tried to arrest him. A hostage negotiation team led by Judas Iscariot tried to get Jesus to give up. About 8:12 p.m., he finally did.

Jesus, of no fixed address, was charged with seditious activity against Roman authority, blasphemy, heresy, plotting to destroy the Temple wall and then claiming to rebuild it 3 days later, preaching within 1,000 feet of a synagoge, and impersonating the son of god. He was in jail late Thursday on $2,000,000 bail. Trial is set for tomorrow. If convicted Jesus faces death by crucifixtion
Click to expand...

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/jesus_arrested/

omg!
 
Saw "Jesus of Nazareth Arrested..." in the "Last Post" field and immediately knew who made this topic :>
 
meh if jesus is not powerfull enough to not get arrested them he dont deserve worship
 
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Was this a piss-take or is it legit? If so, lol @ crucifixion.
 
Keep him locked up...we don't need him corrupting the minds of our youth!!
 
Screw all you naysayers, I hope when he resurrects in a few days he comes back and smites you all with AKs and Uzis
 
Icarusintel said:
Screw all you naysayers, I hope when he resurrects in a few days he comes back and smites you all with AKs and Uzis
Click to expand...

Before acending into the heavens ( aka the clouds and presumably space) in a holy light. He's proboaly floating through space right now...
 
If he does resurrect...I'm changing religions.
 
I'll bet he was screaming obscenities at the cops, spouting racism. I hope he gets the cross for this.
 
imagine if this douche actually resurreceted. I mean, we allready got rid of him once...
 
Not fully reading articles?

Only in America...

ｷﾀ━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ )━━━━━ !!!
 
sort of ..more precisely I took a news story about the arrest of a drug dealer in tampa florida and rewrote it as the arrest of jesus :)
 
Send it to CNN and see if they post it> :D

At least send it to the Onion or something...

Good job though.
 
I'd like to see what Ann Coulter would do. Proboaly call you a ******.
 
I was originaly like "Oh snap, is this legit" then went to the link and reaffirmed my "Kill Stern" attitude

JK, nothing against you.

Edit: This has earnt it's way into my Best Posts EVOR!
 
Jesus Christ, dude. This is 3 years old. I thought Beerdude had returned...
 
I met beerdude in manchester once. Was awesome.
 
stern from now wil celebrate this day as the day of jesus arrest and execution

celebrating it together whit his son,wishing it to be true one day
 
Something was definitely resurrected, but it wasn't Jesus. It was this ancient thread.
 
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