Jokes, and the jokers who like them!

What's does Eric Clapton and coffee have in common?

They both suck without cream.
 
Here's one I heard in the back of a band trip bus (from a trombonist, no doubt :)):

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

a quarter-pounder with cheese
 
gFrohman said:
Here's one I heard in the back of a band trip bus (from a trombonist, no doubt :)):

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

a quarter-pounder with cheese
Click to expand...

And if she's a lesbian you hold the pickles and mayo.
 
i like this the best:

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
Click to expand...
 
...So a nuetron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The nuetron says "How much?". The bartender replies "For you, no charge.".

:l
 
A man calls the hospital as his wife goes into labour:
"Hello, my wife is going into labour!"
"Calm down, is this her first child?"
"No this is her husband you idiot!"
 
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second half a pint, the next a quater of a pint, the next an eighth of a pint, the next a sixteenth of a pint and so on.
After a while the barman says "You're all idiots," pours two pints and walks away.
 
ríomhaire said:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second half a pint, the next a quater of a pint, the next an eighth of a pint, the next a sixteenth of a pint and so on.
After a while the barman says "You're all idiots," pours two pints and walks away.
Click to expand...

i remember reading this on here a little while back, pretty amusing
 
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW CUZ YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!
 
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

Stolen from some one else in a previous joke thread, but hey.
 
How do you make a gay man shag your girlfriend?

Shit in her c unt.

It's the only joke you'll ever need.
 
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
 
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

What's worse than the Holocaust?

Finding half a worm in your apple.
 
I chuckled at Stigmata's post. That is the most reaction I've had from all these jokes so far.
 
What do you call a ginger at a party?

Unwelcome.
 
Joke's been around for a while.
 
Stigmata said:
Try the day after the electron was discovered.
Click to expand...

Yeah.. I guess. But I've really never had it said to me except in Fallout 3.

One more from Fallout: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other an asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" That joke.. is absolutely... not funny. But I feel unfunny jokes still bring entertainment.
 
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.'
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Pat and Felice are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Pat pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Felice: What in the hell is that?

Pat: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Felice: Where did you get it?

Pat: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Feice hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
 
"Two atoms are in a bar, one turns to the other and says, 'I believe I lost an electron'. The other atom says, 'Are you sure?' to which the first atom replies, 'I'm positive.'"

This is my absolute favorite from F3.
 
Why doesn't Jesus like to go into bars??

He's afraid to get hammered and hung over


Why did the bald guy cut holes in his pockets??

So he could still run his fingers through his hair
 
Man... my family was so poor when I was younger, at christmas they'd cut holes in our pockets so we'd have something to play with.
 
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

The first time I heard that joke, it was hilarious.


Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
\


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
 
... I hope you're joking (this being a joke thread), because I actually used to be that poor. We didn't play with circular pieces of denim, but you get what i'm saying.

My first guess is "Dick Joke".
 
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