Jokes, and the jokers who like them!

I love that joke, and hope for an opportunity to tell it IRL if I ever bother to memorize it.
 
I got lots :)

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3. The American thought - "That ****ing Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
gFrohman said:
Hee hee musician jokes...

I would post my trombone jokes...but I dunno, I'm a nerd.
Click to expand...

How do you recognize a jazz trombonist in the park?

He can't swing and he doesn't know how to use the slide.
 
In spite of the jokes, the French have historically done quite well in wars. It was only really WW2 in which their nation failed.


Anyway I wasn't amused by those jokes so there. What you need is more variety.
 
Farrowlesparrow said:
In spite of the jokes, the French have historically done quite well in wars. It was only really WW2 in which their nation failed.


Anyway I wasn't amused by those jokes so there. What you need is more variety.
Click to expand...

Ya. To many french jokes LOL. I'll try to find others.
 
Here are some Canadian Jokes I found, I'm Canadian LOL

CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada. sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Canada!!" said the manager.

The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
 
I've decided to get rid of the french jokes. Didn't mean to offend anyone.
 
I posted a joke about gingers. Who cares if you offend anyone?
 
I read that longest joke in the world.. It's a really good short story, I would tell everyone to think about reading it as a story, not a joke.

It ends with a god damn pun.
 
Where's the one Sulks posted a long time ago? That would take the cake.
 
Farrowlesparrow said:
In spite of the jokes, the French have historically done quite well in wars. It was only really WW2 in which their nation failed.


Anyway I wasn't amused by those jokes so there. What you need is more variety.
Click to expand...

I don't blame the French for losing to the Germans. Those were ****ing tough bastards.
 
French tanks have two speeds.

Reverse, and reverse faster.
 
You rise up and execute your leaders, like the French did, and then I'll listen.
 
There's no bread let them eat cake, there's no end to what they'll take.
 
Dog-- said:
I read that longest joke in the world.. It's a really good short story, I would tell everyone to think about reading it as a story, not a joke.

It ends with a god damn pun.
Click to expand...
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
Farrah Fawcett died and when she entered Heaven she was given one wish by God. That wish was for all the children in the world to be safe.
 
VirusType2 said:
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Click to expand...

I see what you did there. ^.^
 
Stigmata traded his wife for a case of beer.

Best joke evar
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top