Just feel like complete ass..

[AKIRA]

Another thread from me feel free to read or not up to you but I just need to vent.

I don't know what's the matter with me, there may be psychologically wrong with me there may not be but all I know is that I don't feel right anymore.

I hate my job. It's a co-op job that I took in september until december 17th. I only took it because it was getting close to the start of the co-op term and I just accepted any sort of job that came my way. This position is called "data stewardship"..I do NOTHING all day. I complete my daily tasks in a few hours and the rest of the day I just roam the internet. I've asked my managers for work but they haven't really given me anything because there's just nothing for me to do really.

I live in a different city because going by car takes me 2 hours with 3 separate major traffic jam areas. The house that I live in I absolutely hate. I don't know about you guys but do you ever get "bad vibes" from certain places? I don't know just whenever I'm in that place I feel depressed.

So for the past 3 months I've been a mess, I'm not myself at all anymore, I feel anxious and depressed 9 times out of 10.

There have been periods where I'd wake up and just feel fine again, like my old self and would find joy in the things that I used to.

Then out of nowhere I'd look back at how I was a few days ago and remember the terrible feeling and then slowly but surely the anxiety/depression will kick in.

It's been a constant cycle and I just can't take this crap anymore. I'd also have these WEIRD dreams. Weird in the sense that they just give me extremely weird/negative feeling without the dream actually having anything negative in it.

I wake up and just feel out of place and not myself at all which makes the anxiety/depression worse.

I can't afford a therapist(not sure if Ontario's health plan even covers this sort of thing?) and I am NOT WILLING TO GO ON PILLS because I don't think there is something "chemically" wrong with me, just my mindset.

I know I've posted a few threads like this in the past but It's been going on like this since the end of july(when I had somewhat of a post traumatic stress episode) and it spiralled from there.

Sorry for another depressing thread and rambling but I just needed to get things off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Eejit]

You could try moving closer to work? Would help with 2/3 problems you mentioned at the start.

 

[Vegeta897]

Complaining about getting payed to browse the net?

 

[AKIRA]

You could try moving closer to work? Would help with 2/3 problems you mentioned at the start.

I did move closer to work, I live in Hamilton and my work is in Waterloo..2 hours away. I moved for my co-op. It's the house that I live in with my room-mates. The house itself just gives me a depressed feeling everytime I'm around it or in it.

Complaining about getting payed to browse the net?

See a lot of people said that but they just don't understand. It's not glamorous at all. It becomes so mundane and mechanical that it sometimes drives you insane.

 

[Remus]

With the risk of sounding too radical... Ditch the job find another one that you actually enjoy doing , and most importantly move somewhere else where you feel confortable.

 

[Ravioli]

Hm, i spend 12 hours a day on the internet, but that involves games, 4chan, porn, etc etc, stuff that wouldnt be allowed at work. So i see why it can become cumbersome. Try signing up on sites like quake live and just frag people all day long.

 

[CptStern]

talk to your doctor. OHIP does indeed cover some therapy. also if you find you're not doing anything at work it could be because of one of two reasons: there's no work OR there's work but since you're co-op student they dont want to give it to you because of potential to screw ups (you're a temp; generally your loyalty to the company is low) ..this is the rule at every place I've worked at; give the "joe jobs" to the interns. that said you could really improve your chances of being hired by the company after grad if you're proactive: look for work to do; find a need and fill it even if it's not your job; just dont step on any toes and above all else make sure you document your work with your manager

 

[AKIRA]

Hm, i spend 12 hours a day on the internet, but that involves games, 4chan, porn, etc etc, stuff that wouldnt be allowed at work. So i see why it can become cumbersome. Try signing up on sites like quake live and just frag people all day long.

I think it's too late for that. The depression has lasted so long that it's almost like I forgot how to enjoy the things I used to? Not sure if anyone has really experienced that but it's very distressing and makes whatever your feeling a lot worse. Like there's no hope.

With the risk of sounding too radical... Ditch the job find another one that you actually enjoy doing , and most importantly move somewhere else where you feel confortable.

Well I only have about a month left. One thing that scares me though is that the anxiety/depression will scar me and I'll never be the same. That's one thing that I'm worried about because it's been 4 months that this has been going on for and it just feels like theres no hope?

 

[Higlac]

You're being paid and they're not giving you anything to do? Find something that interests you and do it, bring a laptop to work and do something meaningful. Go get rosetta stone and learn a new language or something. Start reading classic literature, take an online class or two that interests you.

Or just find a new job.

 

[AKIRA]

talk to your doctor. OHIP does indeed cover some therapy. also if you find you're not doing anything at work it could be because of one of two reasons: there's no work OR there's work but since you're co-op student they dont want to give it to you because of potential to screw ups (you're a temp; generally your loyalty to the company is low) ..this is the rule at every place I've worked at; give the "joe jobs" to the interns. that said you could really improve your chances of being hired by the company after grad if you're proactive: look for work to do; find a need and fill it even if it's not your job; just dont step on any toes and above all else make sure you document your work with your manager

Thanks Stern, didn't know OHIP covered it (at least some of it) will definitely have a chat with my dr. Really scaring me because I literally feel like a shell of my former self lol never quite felt this way before.

I mean everyone get's depressed and everyone has their good days and bad days but my mind seems to make the bad days so extreme...so I guess there is something mentally wrong with me possibly..or it could be because I'm not happy with my job/living situation that it's just affecting every part of my life? Not sure.

 

[CptStern]

or it could be because I'm not happy with my job/living situation that it's just affecting every part of my life? Not sure.

could be this; especially if you're not seeing any sense of accomplishment at work. I bet when you're busy at work and not surfing the net you're happier

 

[AKIRA]

could be this; especially if you're not seeing any sense of accomplishment at work. I bet when you're busy at work and not surfing the net you're happier

Yea this whole terrible co-op experience definitely intensified the already very mild anxiety/depression I had (and was slowly going away) near the end of July.

It started one night with a random PTSD episode that I totally freaked out about then just went downhill from there. I calmed myself down and was relatively fine until I went on a trip to Norway near the end of August and just had a weird anxiety about flying (I've been on plenty of planes in my life and never had a problem with it) but I think the plane anxiety was just remnants of fading anxiety of my PTSD episode I had a month earlier. I don't know haha all I know is that before the end of July I was completely normal and myself.

 

[No Limit]

Totally agree with Stern, talk to your doctor. If you have PTSD that can be very serious and you need to get help for it.

 

[AKIRA]

Totally agree with Stern, talk to your doctor. If you have PTSD that can be very serious and you need to get help for it.

I looked up the definition of PTSD and it's sort of embarrassing for me to say what the actual cause of it is because in other people's eyes it's completely like "uh..wtf? THAT'S YOUR PTSD??"

The experience I had wasn't life threatening at all, it was just a scenario that caused me a lot of anxiety and heart-ache..so in the techincal sense it is PTSD but not nearly as bad as if it were a life-threatening experience.

 

[No Limit]

If it was a girl you'll get over it. If it's something more serious you might still have PTSD even if other people say it's no big deal. Only a doctor can help you figure that out.

 

[CptStern]

you mean you didnt jump on an ied to save our boys in afghanistan?


it doesnt have to be a battlefield or in the line of duty, plenty of civilians get ptsd

 

[Kisze]

You've got two options:

I am NOT WILLING TO GO ON PILLS

Shit, what happens now?

 

[AKIRA]

you mean you didnt jump on an ied to save our boys in afghanistan?


it doesnt have to be a battlefield or in the line of duty, plenty of civilians get ptsd

hehe well I guess you're right. It's just a feeling that I had last year that occured literally 1 year later with nothing leading up to it really. It was late at night and I was just doing whatever and then something popped into my head "oh shit, it's been exactly 1 year since so-and-so happened...hm...shit imagine if that happened again hehe?...**** what if that really happened? OMG NO. DON'T GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN" and that's how it all started.

I know it's all in my head but like I just don't know why i can't control it?? blech hopefully a therapist can help..maybe I need CBT or something?

It seems my constant fear is not being able to conquer this, and me being helpless and it returning sometime in the future, thats what I fear the most. This isn't really debilitating, like I can get up, go to work, whatever but sometimes it just gets really intense that I start pushing my friends/family and gf away and the fact that I'm doing those things makes it worse too.

 

[ríomhaire]

Complaining about getting payed to browse the net?

Browsing the net and have nothing else to do all day. Sounds really boring to me.

Bit of an out-there suggestion: Use your downtime at work to try to write something. Get some creativity flowing

 

[AKIRA]

I dunno it's really really weird. For example, I went to the CN tower with my girlfriend on saturday and it was a great time, I felt like myself for once. The next few days after that were good too except every once in a while I'd think back at the feeling of being depressed/anxious and then it'd hit me like a ton of bricks, like a feeling of pure hopelessness like there's an outside force controlling it saying "no, you're not going to get over this".

And speaking of that, I had a dream tuesday night(that whole day/night I was fine and depressed/anxiety free) where I forget where I was somehwere random and like I heard this voice literally saying "you won't get over this, it's not over" and in the dream, I felt the anxiety/depression sinking in..I woke up scared but then I brushed it off and was fine for the most part of wednesday.

I was tired all wednesday because I went to bed late on tuesday and woke up early wednesday for work and around wednesday night my mind just started to wonder and the depressed feeling started slowly creeping in and here I am now feeling low again.

That's the best way I can describe the events and it seems like every week I get really down and low then randomly I'd be happy and normal again for a few days to a week and then it'd go back to depressed etc..just an endless cycle.

 

[Vegeta897]

Browsing the net and have nothing else to do all day. Sounds really boring to me.

Yeah yeah I know, I've been there myself. I was just trying to be cool

 

[Raziaar]

Hang in there Akira.

If you have to, just make drastic changes to change your life in the way you want... or at least make it more exciting for you. What you can do, I don't know... just don't get too down about that rut.

And yeah I know exactly what you mean... some towns are just... terrible. Any town that feels old and not relatively modern makes me feel depressive, as if there's some sort of technological divide. Because I need that technology! This is why I'll never be able to happily live in a rural area if they can't get better internet speeds. Living in the ****ing 90's out there!

 

[AKIRA]

Hang in there Akira.

If you have to, just make drastic changes to change your life in the way you want... or at least make it more exciting for you. What you can do, I don't know... just don't get too down about that rut.

And yeah I know exactly what you mean... some towns are just... terrible. Any town that feels old and not relatively modern makes me feel depressive, as if there's some sort of technological divide. Because I need that technology! This is why I'll never be able to happily live in a rural area if they can't get better internet speeds. Living in the ****ing 90's out there!

Yea man it's weird. I'll try and explain how it really took a turn for the worse once I got here.

Last co-op term I worked for the same company and lived in the same city as I do now except it was a job that I enjoyed doing and kept me busy so life was good. I loved my 4 months working. Unfortunately I didn't get called back to the same team and had to start searching for other positions. For this particular company you send in your resume and fill out an online profile and from there job offers will be sent to you that match whatever your interests are that you indicated on the online profile.

The job I got SOUNDED ok..like I wasn't into it or really interested because it wasn't my field but at least it was a job and it would keep me busy...wrong. I took the job because it was getting close to the co-op work term and the other places I've applied to I haven't heard back from yet so I was getting worried and just accepted this job.

As soon as I got back here everything just seemed different, like the team that I was with were all so dull and boring, the "work" was incredibly dull and boring and instantly I just fell into a depression. Like I even worked in the same building as my first co-op except a different floor..and all the floors looked the same so it was like I was back to my first co-op job but..I wasn't you know? I'm not sure if that makes any sense but that's how I was feeling. I was familiar with the place but not familiar with it at the same time. I felt out of place and just depressed.

From there it got worse and worse until things got a little better but then they got worse and it's been an on going cycle. Like sometimes I feel like I forget how to be happy again you know?

So discouraging.

 

[Raziaar]

What is co-op work exactly? I think I heard someone else who lived in Canada mention it before. Maybe it was viperidae? I dunno.

Anyway, that's rough man... if I don't have enough to do at work, I go insane... always worried a supervisor is going to scorn me if I'm not actively doing something. Note, this was when doing past temp jobs. It was the worst when I had this one temp job for a day, and they basically had me standing around all ****ing day doing nothing... and that was the worst. I was just looking like a dick standing there doing nothing while people around me did stuff... and they kept not being able to give me work.



But the best way I can describe certain towns... is the feeling you have when you stay over at a friends or a family members house... and have to sleep in one of their beds. You feel comfortable there I guess, but it doesn't feel like home.

 

[VirusType2]

If you feel your mind starting to head down a "dark tunnel" of worry and anxiety, try to snap yourself out of it by bringing your thoughts back to the present, she said.

http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/645790.html

 

[JUL3]

Go work at a bowling alley... it seems pretty rad.

 

[ríomhaire]

Yeah yeah I know, I've been there myself. I was just trying to be cool

Oh right. Oops

I was serious about the writing thing though. Or at least some sort of project. Something to put some effort and passion into. People need to be doing things. Boredom is a real killer for your head.

 

[dfc05]

I hate my job. It's a co-op job that I took in september until december 17th. I only took it because it was getting close to the start of the co-op term and I just accepted any sort of job that came my way. This position is called "data stewardship"..I do NOTHING all day. I complete my daily tasks in a few hours and the rest of the day I just roam the internet. I've asked my managers for work but they haven't really given me anything because there's just nothing for me to do really.

I haven't read through the rest of the thread so sorry if this is repeating someone else...
but that isn't uncommon, especially for internships and co-ops. I worked at an air permitting consulting place, and by the last half of my internship, had absolutely nothing to do even though the secretary tried to help by sending emails out asking people to give me work. I ended up using my time to study for the GRE, because after a while, doing endless crossword puzzles gets kinda draining.

Good news -- Supposedly when you get a full-time job, it's not like that so much. Which isn't to say your job won't be mundane and/or boring, but typically they actually let you do stuff.

Granted, I never did a full-time job and just went straight off to grad school, where I can totally give myself 13 hours of work every day if I feel like it.

 

[AKIRA]

I haven't read through the rest of the thread so sorry if this is repeating someone else...
but that isn't uncommon, especially for internships and co-ops. I worked at an air permitting consulting place, and by the last half of my internship, had absolutely nothing to do even though the secretary tried to help by sending emails out asking people to give me work. I ended up using my time to study for the GRE, because after a while, doing endless crossword puzzles gets kinda draining.

Good news -- Supposedly when you get a full-time job, it's not like that so much. Which isn't to say your job won't be mundane and/or boring, but typically they actually let you do stuff.

Granted, I never did a full-time job and just went straight off to grad school, where I can totally give myself 13 hours of work every day if I feel like it.

I guess I can start giving myself extra work. Just the feeling of depression/anxiety and hopelessness have become the "norm" for me and that is what really scares me. Yea I have some good days but they aren't really good days because I'm still not happy with my life and I can't truly just stop thinking about what makes me feel bad and focus on having fun. After 4 months of this, I find it hard to go back to my old self and that's what I'm really struggling with.

I'm constantly in a state of thinking, and thinking and thinking to the point where I'm just drained and want to go to sleep.

 

[VirusType2]

You'll be alright, I think.

Bro, I don't even have any good memories. Even the select few good memories I have are painful because they are the way things used to be or something.

And I don't have things to look forward to in the future, either.

That's why I posted that link. Just focus on what you are doing right now, and if you aren't doing something, then why not?

 

[StarBob]

So wait you moved CLOSER And you're still 2 hours away? That's insane. I'd never live two hours from a job. You'd automatically have 12 hour days. Even if you were living somewhere free I'd rather live less than half an hour from where I work. That's probably part of the problem. A two hour commute would make me HATE everything everywhere forever.

Also having a job doing nothing is a terrible thing. When I first got my job I had very very few responsibilities and it sucked. I hated coming to work because I knew I'd just sit around doing nothing. After a while though I became better at what I did and now I have the responsibilities of entire projects which, while slightly more stressful, is stressful in a good way. It's part of Maslow's Need hierarchy... self actualization... I never pegged it as that important until I started working and realized that responsibility and corresponding success is vey gratifying.


Once you iron out some of the wrinkles you can sort of get on a roll. Like if you were driving half an hour and doing something that is rewarding then other things that were originally just time wasters seem more rewarding. Now when I get home from work, instead of being like "well at least I Can sit around and play video games," I'm more like "Awesome I get to play some video games!" It's less something I'm thinking about all day and doing and more somehing that I can be excited about at the end of the day because I've accomplished so much.

It's all part of that strange world of psychology. I'm not really a strong believer in anti-depressant medications. I'm sure they have their purpose but I really don't think they're necessary in as many cases as they're prescribed. I think a person is fully capable of beating much of their depression with the right mind set. Setting goals and achieving them. Rewarding yourself. Surrounding yourself with people who are supportive, caring and appreciative of the qualities you exhibit and help you strive toward personal growth. Having a realistic outlook so that when things go right you feel like something good has happened and when things go wrong you understand it was a possibility from the start and move on.

Now before the extrapolation trolls come along and pry apart everything I say to nitpick and take things out of context, I am in no way saying that anti-depressants have no purpose in the world. Nor am I saying every person can, on their own, drive themselves from any level of depression. But it is important to be able to help yourself in a lot of situations, if only to bring yourself to a point where you understand you need to ask for help from people like therapists and doctors. Not everyone is going to think the same way and reach conclusions in the same manner, but I think that a lot of people tend to use things like medications and therapy as a crutch that may not be the most stable, effective, persistant or most defintely cost-efficient means of dealing with problems.

Regardless of all of that, it is good that you are aware of the issue and can explain it to other people. If anything it will give you alternative perspectives which, as any person who spends their day solving problems, that can make all the difference.

 

[CptStern]

A two hour commute would make me HATE everything everywhere forever

sure if you live in a small town but in the big city a 2 hour commute isnt all that uncommon what with housing/rent prices being so high. unless you want to live in a shitty neighbourhood or can afford $500K + for a house your commute is going to be at least an hour.

anyways I bet his reasoning is to be closer to home/family/friends because there's quite some distance between Hamilton and waterloo. also waterloo is a university town; it's pretty dead when school is out

 

[AKIRA]

Sorry guys, I didn't word it well. I meant that the reason I moved to the house was because my actual home is in a different city that's 2 hours away. The house that I got in this city is only a 15-20 minute drive to work.

And yea I agree that anti-depressants do have their ups but I'm thinking that's more for depression which is caused by chemical imbalances which I don't think I really have..(I hope? lol).

One thing that I'm really working on overcoming is the fact that if I'm having a good day I sometimes look back at when I was depressed and it INSTANTLY puts me back into that mood even though there is nothing to be depressed about?

For example:

About a month ago I went out with my team for lunch at this place so that was kind of a peak for my depression. Fast forward to today when I'm having a pretty good day, we went out for lunch to the same place and it's like I was back to where I was a month ago, I felt depressed and anxious when really there was nothing other than bad memories that was causing it...so is that PTSD? Like it's not TRAUMATIC but it does bring back memories of depression and anxiety.

And I think that's what started this whole thing in the first place. I mean one random night I realized it was the 1 year anniversary to when I had that anxious/depressed period of my life and I just started looking back and then my mind started putting me back into that state and I completely panicked, so when I moved into the house and dealt with all this change so quickly all of the symptoms started to snowball.

The point of all my rambling is that now at this point I'm trying to find a way to cope with bad memories and not let my mind interpret them as it happening all over again but to just make them stay what they are - a bad memory, a bad point in my life that's in the past that I can move on from.

It's a struggle but I don't know maybe I can get over it? Things seem to be getting better little by little but who knows.

Anyone experience something like this?


BTW, thanks for taking the time to read/respond, it helps!

 

[VirusType2]

Well, I never really got over bad memories, so either it's normal, or I also need advice. I just don't think about them, because they make me feel bad. Usually, you don't realize you are thinking about them right away, so there's nothing you can do except stop yourself and then tell yourself "I'm not going to worry about it anymore. What's done is done." There are many new good memories to be had, and you just have to realize that.

See, the older you get, the more memories you accumulate. Maybe you and I need to pay attention more so that we can remember the good times we have today. And if you aren't having any, then it's time to surround yourself with different people. For starters, maybe take your Mom or Dad out to lunch or something.

 

[StarBob]

Bad memories tend to haunt people. That's just how things work with everyone for the most part. The best solution is to look forward. I mean you can't just forget things that happened in the past, that's how you learn things, but if you use the issues of the past to better cope with the future, you'll create positive things. Let me be a little open here. Years ago when my parents got a divorce, it was a very traumatizing experience. They yelled and fought and there was cheating and such involved and it really got to me in a lot of ways that ultimately changed my life for a period of time. Things that drove me to break up with my then long time high school sweetheart for no reason and compromised my work ethic to the point that my promising football career was nearly completely ruined amongst other things. Sure the effects rippled throughout my life and made me lose opportunities that would have certainly put me in a different position today, but I have worked to make the best of the way things have gone. Instead of looking back at issues and saying to myself "that was sad" I say something more like "that was how things went, now I can do things better." I don't even think about it as overly optimistic or anything, I just think of it as acquired knowledge. Not to just talk about me, but I just wanted to give you some examples of how things tend to flow for others. Some people seem to have more luck than others, but the very important part of dealing with issues is to not let them drag you down. It can be frustrating and just draining overall to deal with what seems like problem after problem, but every time you stand up to something that's shitty and conquer it, you're a little stronger, a little smarter, and a lot better off. And then if one day everything is just how you'd like it to be, you can look back and say "I win" to all that shit that got you down.

But you have to know that it takes time. In the short term keeping yourself busy with little goals and objectives will not only put you in a better position, but you will distract yourself from feelings that might make you feel bad. Like whoever that was who said it earlier, if you can't get work at your job, you can learn another language or skill. That's a great way to improve yourself in a situation where there's not a lot of opportunities to do so. I'd love to be able to sit at work and learn new programming languages, build marketable ventures, and maybe actually have some Spanish that's not borderline worthless. I think you've got a nice opportunity there.

 

[AKIRA]

Well, I never really got over bad memories, so either it's normal, or I also need advice. I just don't think about them, because they make me feel bad. Usually, you don't realize you are thinking about them right away, so there's nothing you can do except stop yourself and then tell yourself "I'm not going to worry about it anymore. What's done is done." There are many new good memories to be had, and you just have to realize that.

See, the older you get, the more memories you accumulate. Maybe you and I need to pay attention more so that we can remember the good times we have today. And if you aren't having any, then it's time to surround yourself with different people. For starters, maybe take your Mom or Dad out to lunch or something.

I guess it comes down to the fact that before all of this, I was just able to treat things as they were. A bad day was a bad day, a bad thought was just a bad thought. I never dwelled on them or made them any bigger than what they were.

Now after "relapsing" everything I do I scrutinize. Why am i thinking like this? Do I actually feel this way because I'm thinking like this? Crap, I'm ok now...when's the next time I'll feel depressed/anxious etc.. That's my biggest problem, I'm constantly on edge it seems.

Like I said, it's seems as though it's tapering off little by little each day but I don't want to get my hopes up. We'll see how it goes.

Typing all this out is actually helping a lot surprisingly. Just really hope that I can get back to being "normal" and not over analyzing every single thought and action and event like I've been doing for the past few months.

 

[Krynn72]

If you've been depressed for four months... just ****ing change things up. Stop doing the same thing every day and every week. Break the routine. Last time I was depressed was years ago because I felt stuck in a rut where I was bored out of my mind, and felt pressured to do "normal people" things. Then I just skipped school one day, and just walked around town doing whatever the hell I felt like at the time. I started getting interested in different hobbies, hanging out with different people, etc. and life just felt better. Then a few years later I started feeling the same way again, so I started impulsively skipping random college classes again and using those days to do whateverthe****. Viola, I started feeling better. Then when I felt real down because I was studying shit I didn't like, I decided to stop and do something more interesting, and moved to Florida and studied computer animation. I've not been depressed in years since then, since every few years I cause some major change in my life.

Thats not to say "don't have goals" or "dont stick with anything for a long time," because that wont work either. I'm just saying, when you look at your life, and take account of what you're doing, where you're heading, and how much you're enjoying yourself, and you realize its not how you want it to be... then f*ck it. Change shit up. Find something more interesting, more fulfilling. You don't need to sacrifice all the progress you've made and start from scratch again, but switch paths. I've never understood how people just let themselves float down one path to a dead-end job or do something they get no satisfaction from. That means they never took stock of their situation, never evaluated their decisions or had any foresight into what their life would be like in the future. Either that, or they never had the willpower or drive to divert themselves from a path they knew was going to suck.